Chapter 44: Ambience

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8sRPJbWZH0

After winter break, Lu Han had stopped speaking to me as he had declared to halt the (fake) dating.

One little thing can just cause everything to clash. It's like clumsily pulling out one block from a jenga tower and then everything just falls over.

I spent almost a week trying to figure out why he would act so angry and protective. And yet, I can't find the seed of the crisis.

I mean -- it was Kyungsoo, he acts as if he was some kind of who'll murder me. I acknowledge the fact that he was doing his job but he didn't have to grasp on to the degree of being physical. It is just wasn't worth killing each other.

Kyungsoo was sort of like a friend and it bothered me so much that I became angry.

The morning we come back school, I did not want to  get off of my bed. I felt compacted by the silent air surrounding my room, I couldn't bring myself to move an inch.

I stared at the white ceiling I only worry about the anxiety of seeing my fear. Lu Han.

The bedroom door suddenly creaked opened as my mother entered. She came up to me, looking tired than her usual. She told me to get up and get ready but I have not responded.

"Do you not feel good or--" She said, placing her palm to my forehead then switched to me neck. Her palms felt really cold and soft.

"I think ...you have a slight fever going on here" She pulled the comforter from my waist to cover my shoulders as well. "you better take a day off"

I knew my mother was lying. I didn't feel sick at all.

For hours, I still remained in my bed still staring at the cieling. The house was so quiet that my thoughts seemed like they were screaming in my head.

The following day, I woke up not feeling any better.

This time, I walked to school alone.

I had spent lunch by myself.

Walking in the halls by myself.

And in the end of the day I walked home alone as well.

I couldn't recall the feeling of being by myself; the kid I was in the beginning of the school year. As if I have always been accustomed by Lu Han being by my side. Despite of his coldness and strict attitude, seeing his smile once in a while made those natures fade away  in my memory.

The days continued with the same pattern. People at school began to catch on the news. I was sure that many girls were happy to see the ice prince seperated from me.

The girls began to hype up that blog that was dedicated to Lu Han again and a clump of those girls started confessing to him again.

I didn't realized how painful it was being  at a basis of seeing Lu Han down the line. It almost as if fate has been punishing me for authoring such lies that was for my benefit. I think Lu Han just did it because morally that's what you do? --- I think.

My friends tried their best to cheer me up but it didn't work out. Even though, I have known them for a long time, they have not even been aware of my situation.

"Is it really the end for you two?" Hana asked. 

I shrugged "I guess"

It became quiet inside Hana's coffee shop. There wasn't really anything to talk about because it was just an illusion. A beautiful one. I became blinded by the illusion we conducted and I wish I didn't had to go through it-- so that I won't be as pathetic as I am behaving now.

Hana looked at me sympathetically "You know what--"

I forced to chuckle and waved my hands "it's been more than a week. Obviously there's no hope for it anymore"

I was so pathetic. I found myself crying about it again. In fact, I shouldn't be crying about it at all, it was just a make-believe aura. A part of me doesn't want to let go, and the other is strangling me as a reminder that it was just an illusion. Lu Han didn't have any feelings for me.

Hana grab a hold of my elbow and pleated my hair behind my ear. "You shouldn't be tiring yourself like this. I don't know what happened because you never tell me anything-- But it's okay. As a friend, I respect the fact that there are things that you need to keep as a secret. You're feeling like this because you've probably haven't done what you wanted to do -- or say what you always wanted to say".

"So--what should I do about it"

"Tell him what you're feeling"

-----

It's coming along really fast OTL I'll work on chapter 45 after.

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