Chapter 45: Confession

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BH98EFBSHic

____'s POV

I sprawled on my bed, glancing up the blank ceiling without any thoughts but him again.

This is the reason why I loathed the night.

As I counted each breath I took for my eyelids to finally fall shut - every attempt to rest, I surely couldn't dominate the loaded feeling dispersing across my chest.

I also hated him. I just simply didn't want to remember him. His face always appears as I'm on the verge of sleeping and then I just find myself deploring over everything. I start to delve into the things I have done, analyzing every single thing that I messed up on.

The pain had been so familiar. Although, somehow... the feeling seemed worse than I recalled. Before I felt like the infatuation would just stop because I never really held a strong attraction towards a person.

And now it seems like it won't end at all, I guess I have fallen reasonably hard towards Luhan (Till now, I don't know why) and as much as it is satisfying to tell him my feelings, it doesn't seem proper.

I don't want to appear desperate or reckless. 

    A knock on the door bursted in for a moment and startled me. I knew it was my mother again and so, slowly I turned away from the door and hid under the bed comforter.

"Hun, are you not eating dinner?" She said, poking her head out the door.

"No. I'm tired. Please leave." I simply said.

"But you haven't been eating dinner. Plus it's 9 pm. You're becoming more and more sluggish!"

"I just don't feel like eating, that's all"

She stared at me in doubt.

After a few seconds, I sighed as if I gave up "I'm fine though"

With fretful eyes, my mother gazed at me as I remained under my comforter. She walked up to me and sat down on the side of the bed, grazing my shoulder as gesture for relief.

"I really am fine" I recounted, then sitting up from the bed.

I expected my mother to leave the room then after I assured to her my condition. However, she just settled in for a while, thinking for a moment or probably hesitating to say something.

"I need to tell you something" she admitted.

"What is it?"

Before she could reply, she exhaled rather audibly. It was obvious that it was something bad. My mother was always so easy to read due to her expression as she spoke.

She laid one hand on my shoulder and nodded lightly, biting her lips. Slowly, she parted her rouge lips, as she was about to speak; but the fatigued expression I beamed probably spurred her to halt right then. "You know what -" she laughed silently "Don't worry about it. Just rest"

"What?"  I asked

"Just eat" She smiled infirmly and finally took off.

Right after Umma left, I tumbled back on the bed, looking at the white ceiling again. Within a span of  three seconds, staring at it, I simply couldn't handle it. I was still thinking the same thing again, my chest felt as if it was becoming more and more heavy like I was slowly submerging in the water. It was so difficult to breathe.

I just need to talk to someone so I can go back to sleep.

I grabbed my phone and punch in Hana's number, knowing that she would still be awake. Before I could finish, the phone buzzed.

Wang Zi's name appeared, which was surprising since I haven't really talked to him in while plus after he asked for my number, we haven't really contacted each other.

"Hello, ____, I've got a huge favour to ask you" Wang Zi said, exceeding me as I was about to greet him first.

"Oh, what is it?"

"You know how I work at _____? the owner's looking for models to pose for the merchandise we're selling and the pictures are going to be published on a Ceci magazine. Well, I'm going to be one of the models, which --"

"So? You look like a model anyway" I replied rather bitterly.

"Besides the point, I showed them a picture of you and---"

"Wait" I interrupted "since when did you have a picture of me?!"

"I had to ask your friends"

I want to kill the two of them.. right now

"Actually, I showed you and your friends' photos, but your face caught the owner's eye the most" he continued. "He said you had potential"

Suddenly it remained silent.

"I don't know....how.... I should take that"

"Oh C'mon, it's worth it! This is a once in a life time chance!"

    After hours of Wang Zi's persuasion, the following day I ended up in a studio sitting infront of an illuminated mirror. Before tthey started the process of beautification, the director and other people who I haven't really recognized, scanned through our image one by one.

I wasn't looking very presentable that time but the others female models looked like they actually putted effort in it. It took about 2 hours which is obviously hell to me.

Next, they asked us to sit down. I really didn't enjoy the fact that the things they were doing were really unfamiliar. One lady was sticking layers of extentions on the back of my head while the other one was mounding a ton of makeup on my face. 

I could see a lot of beautiful girls as well, I was quite sure that they were professional models since they looked like they took care of their bodies. I mean compared to them, I looked polluted, and I already had confidence issues and being in this kind of atmosphere totally wasn't helping me with that problem.

I could also see Wang Zi being surrounded by girls on the mirror as he was already dressed up for the shoot. He obviously seemed uncomfortable around the girls but he just smiled his way through them. Eventually, the guy saw me looking at him through the mirror and then he beamed out a smile.

Meanwhile, the makeup artist kept on asking me whether I had some kind skin care routine, I knew it was a way of her suggesting that I need to make one since I have such cruddy skin.

"You're finish, Hun" The make up artist announced, gliding her brush tool across my forehead one last time. However, after many layers of beauty products, it definitely did its work. I can't believe I'm actually admitting to this but I couldn't stop staring at myself.

As soon as I stood up from the "make up" chair, another lady pulled me immediately to a corner and shoving hanged outfits on me. She didn't really talk to me but she would just nod or shake her head and maybe mumble some numbers here and there. So, I stood there and allowed her to do her job with flexibility.

Within a couple of minutes, I was totally finished, Wang Zi came up to me and even gave me a huge thumbs up. The photographer called over the female models on set and he asked each and everyone to pose for individual pictures. All 13 girls were simply astonishing, as I watched them, I, myself, couldn't decide what I should even do when I'm in front of the camera. By the time it was my turn, my heart pounded twice as hard, everyone in the background were staring.

The photographer waved at me and said "Okay, _____, look at the camera and imagine yourself on a date with your boyfriend, make the happiness sheer through your face"

Before doing so, I closed my eyes and it all came back to me. The times when Luhan protected me, those moments when our hands came in contact and when he just smiled for me. The pain was coming back.

"___"

I flutered my eyes open and realized that tears were already gushing out of my eyes. Every person on the set were extremely shocked. I couldn't wipe the tears away, I didn't want to ruin the makeup.

The photographer asked me to take a break first and calm myself down. Of course I felt bad but I needed it, I needed a break from everything. 

I went out to go to the backyard and sat on the swing seat, slapping my cheeks to stop myself for crying but the tears just continued. At this point, I wanted to go home already.

It's ridiculous.

Even if I was doing something that was completely irrelevant to Luhan and I, my thoughts are always filled with him.

I love him so much.

I suddenly heard someone coming towards my way.

I turned around and saw Wang Zi, standing with one hand on his pocket.

"It's about Luhan right?" He guessed and sat on the swing seat next to me. As he swayed while his feet were still on the surface of the pebbles surrounded, He demanded me to talk.

However, I didn't answer him back.

"Do you want to get back together?" he asked silently

When Wang Zi said that, I didn't realize the truth would be revealed like that. 

----

TO BE CONTINUED

OTL it's been 2 months huh? well. I'm still planning on finishing this fic and this wasn't the best update ever /sighs Thankyou to those who personally msged me on tumblr. I appreciated the reminder!! thankyou for the new subs!! I will try to update this monday or tuesday~ stay tuned.