(Listening to What is Love by Jaymes Young)

Flashback

"Skipping classes with lame excuses, breaking the discipline rules for so many times, mainly coming late to weekly assemble, disable to attend church routines and I'm sorry to inform you this Mrs. Liu, but your daughter here had been caught to be involved in forbidden relationship," Ms. Wilson's report was long and clear, enough to explain the actual thing that had happened.

Meanwhile then, the young Amber kept her head down, avoided for making any eye contacts with the nun of the school. Trying to be as silence as she could, Amber still hoping her anxiety could be hidden at that time. Having Mrs. Liu there, sitting by her side, the teenager's heart shattered into pieces as the nun mentioned about her and Minah.

"We will be letting this matter become your concern, Mam'. Maybe with your personal talk and advises, you can bring her back to the right path. Our school had tried our best in giving preach, and hoping she will realize for the mistakes she had done,"

"With the God bless, He may guide Amber once again to seek the truth of herself," added Ms. Wilson, staring straight into the early 40's woman in front of her.

Engulfing the bitterness of the nun's words, Mrs. Liu only put a firm smile at her face, nodding as she said thank you.

"I owe you a lot, Ms. Wilson, for taking care of Amber as your own child. I hope you'll be letting me to bring her home for a few days," asked Mrs. Liu politely.

"Sure you may, and she needs to be back for final examination. After all, I'm looking forward for her academic achievement, since, her grade is dropping as well,"

"Amber, I'm hoping you can do better," told Ms. Wilson as she shifted her attention to boyish girl.

Then, she earned only a weak nod from Amber.

"Your father must not know about this discipline thing," Mrs. Liu said while focusing on the road. She took a short glance at the passenger's seat then.

"I might not know what I have to say if he asks,"

Amber shut tight.

Secretly inside, she wanted to say, she deserves to explain, to defend herself of all those things happened.

About her senior, Grace Park who accidentally read the letter that Amber wanted to give to Minah. Where in there, she apologized and confessed how much she loves her and hoping to rekindled their broken relationship.

She just hoping for her mother to give her a chance to take a moment and listen to what she's going to say.

In the meantime, as she had been fighting to be brave, she also think of her family. Mr Liu had spent so much money to ensure that Amber would be able to enrol the school and how much Mrs Liu relies on her, to be a better person. Sending her straight to the convent school- the mother wished, Amber would be different and more girlish since she's under the church's supervision.

However at the end, she had decided to say nothing and tried to express her deep regret.

"Mother," Amber called with her husky voice.

"Mmmh?"

"I'm sorry,"

Mrs. Liu sighed. She glanced again at her daughter, "Sorry means nothing if you don't even think to change yourself,"

"I sent you to that school so that I can see you to be a real girl-like. To be what you need to be, Amber, naturally. See what you've done, you're ruining yourself and you're giving me headache, a painful one,"

Amber was hurt by her mother's words. She couldn't able to deny because Mrs. Liu speaks of the truth, but slowly, she's bleeding inside. She wished, she could vanish from the moment, even just for a while.

And adding to her hurtful pains, thinking about the whole school is rejecting her, talking bad about her meeting Minah and their rumors of having 'forbidden relationship', the young girl closed her eyes, fighting hard not to cry in front of her own mother.

"What is wrong with my way of raising you, Amber? For all the love and care, aren't you think of that? As a mother, I want the best for you. I think your father and I are giving you all the things which we must give as parents. He sacrificed his montly allowance, to make sure he could paid off your expensive tuition fees in school. If he knows, he must be so mad and disappointed," Mrs. Liu began to nag.

"The fact that you must accept, you are born as girl and should be living as one. As you already know, lesbian is an accursed race- it is a sin and it would be wrong if you choose to be. There's possible for all of us to get punishment from Him for this false path,"

"What is her name?" Mrs. Liu asked her daughter suddenly, between her words.

"Name? Who?" Amber was confused for a second as she was concentrating to her mother long murmurs.

"That girl who you disturb,"

Again, she felt like sharp thorns are poking down her heart.

Disturb?

Was that a correct term to desribe my action towards Minah all this time?

Loving her to death and trying to fight for our relationship?

"Minah," she replied short.

"After this, leave her alone and stay away from her, Amber. I don't want you to go and disturb her again, you need to focus on your studies more than anything. Like Ms. Wilson told us just now in her office, you must work hard to improve your grade. This year will be the last year for you, so just forget everything and concentrate to pass the exams," said Mrs. Liu.

When there's no sound from her younger daughter, she furthered again,

"I know it might be hard for you but you must know, to survive in this world, you need to follow how it goes, baby. I love you, your father and sister also love you. Nothing is important other than becoming who you need to be,"

"Do you understand?"

"Yes, mother. I do understand," Amber replied, letting the tears flowing slowly through her cheeks.

"There is my girl," claimed the woman as she caressed Amber's hair.

***

Amber's diary

I hate myself and I hate this life.

Why?

Because this goddamn world doesn't have a place for a lesbian like me. 

I will always remember what mother and that Wilson said, God accursed homoual and it is so un-natural to act like a boy like I did.

I will always remember how painful it was to take, those insults they threw on my face,

Those disgusting faces they made as when I walked, passed by them.

Those weird glances they gave to me when I'm eating alone at the eating hall and when I'm taking shower.

I will never forget what they had said to me.

Including what Minah had done.

I thought she loves me, because we shared moments together and it is so damn hurts to know she described my efforts to win her heart as disturbance. So, all this time, she's actually felt that I'm disturbing her life.

I bought her presents, I spent mostly the time with her to show how much she meant to me and I did what I think I should do as a person who love her unconditionally.

But the end,

She only sees me as someone who disturb her.

Nothing is valuable from me. My love and feelings are not instantly appreciated. So, what's the use of liking this life?

I'm not allowed to be me. Mother said, I need to act natually and become a real girl. As if she knows, I've been fighting alone- asking why I'm so different from others and trying hard to cope with the reality that 'I'm a girl', she might be sorry for saying, 'You should change and act like a real girl'.

I've tried.

And it was a total failure.

I'm not happy to wear those short-skirts, to act more girlish and the reason of why I hate it so much is because I don't know.

I don't know why I'm more comfortable to wear pants rather than skirts.

I don't know why I feel so comfortable having short hair.

I don't know why I walk like a boy.

I don't know why I act like a boy.

I don't know why I'm attracted to girls than boys.

I don't know a damn thing about all of this reasons and whys.

Only one thing that I know,

People hates me for who I really am and its so unfair!

***

(Listening to I Can't Make You Love Me by Dave Thomas Junior)

In the density of the crowded people, a pair of eyes manage to capture the figure she's missing at that moment. That tiny girl who make she spent hours in shower-crying her heart out and made her pillow wet of her own tears in the sleepless night.

She is chatting happily with her best friends, laughing sometimes and curving smiles sometimes.

Amber watched Minah from afar, with a heavy heart, wishing she should never fall in love with her.

How she wish, she's heartless and feel nothing at all.

As more and more she avoided her mind from keep thinking about her, the more it came.

"Hey, Amber is looking at you," told one of Minah's chatting friends. It made all of them to shift their attention at the table where she pointed at. Including Minah, she stared at the lonely Amber, who is eating by herself there.

"I've told you, Minah. She is creepy, you should avoid her at the first place,"

"Yeah, Janie's right. If you put away that respecful manner as a junior, by treating her nice like that, probably you aren't involved with her,"

Minah was hesitated what to say to her friends, either to defend Amber or, not to.

"No girls, she's a nice person. She just misunderstand I like her, that's all," eventually that was slipped out from .

"So... you don't like her?"

"...........yeah,"

Minah changed the topic as she rushed her friends to finish their lunch meals. Between their conversation on the table, she sometimes can't hold herself from stealing glances at Amber's table too.

She suddenly felt guilty towards the tomboy.

For telling Ms. Wilson that Amber had wrongly understand their senior-junior relationship and for giving all the letters that Amber had wrote to her to Grace Park, the head prefect of their school.

The story began when Grace passed by Minah's locker and accidentally saw a letter hang on the locker's door. She picked it up and read the content.

That's when she met Minah personally and asked what's going on between them. She even made her to give all the letters from Amber that Minah had received.

The story continues as Grace brought it to the nun's office and asked Ms. Wilson to investigate.

Minah was the first to face the nun and she's been bombarded by a lot of questions such as does Amber did terrible thing to her, does Amber forces her to be together and does Amber influences her to be a lesbian.

She denied all of that by saying it was just a simple misunderstanding and their relationship isn't more than friends or senior-junior type.

"I want to know, direct from you. Is she a lesbian?" 

Minah paused, munching slowly her food. "We're not close to each other anymore so I don't want to talk about her for now, Karen. Is she a lesbian or not, it it her own business, there's nothing to do with me,"

The whole table only nodded at her statement, agreed.

But, deep down, the greatest regret began to grow enormously as she completely realized that she had betrayed Amber's trust. She may feel easy for a while after the big denial about her closeness with the tomboy, but she can't deny one thing.

Her true feeling towards Amber which she herself couldn't able to describe what it is.

"Amber, I'm sorry... I'm really really sorry..." Minah monologued- as the same time she secretly gazed upon the lonely Amber.

***

She blew an amount of air, relief as she realized it is already the end of her battle with the question papers. Finishing the last check on answers, Amber grabbed all the stationary on the desk and inserted them into her pencil box.

Later, she rose from the chair, walking directly to the front while holding her answer paper and manage to pass it to the teacher. She thanked her before stepping out from the exam hall and made her way straight to the locker.

The moment her feet touch the lockers' space, she noticed the presence of Minah. Their lockers are not far away from each other so every day, every morning, they got a chance to be at the same place.

Amber didn't say anything, instead she opened her locker and took all the stuff, putting them into her favourite backpack. And when she closed it, she realized Minah is standing right in front of her, seeing up to her gloomy face.

"Well done, you had finally finished in high school," Minah said- smiling.

Still hurt with what happened to them, Amber just nod, still in her silent mode. She had decided to listen to what her mother had said, ignore everything and only focus on what she need to be doing.

She turned around and ready to walk away but stopped when Minah grabbed by her right arm.

"I'm sorry, Amber," she said. "I know I shouldn't say those things about you,"

The tomboy only stared at her face, says nothing.

"You are the kindest person I'd ever met, and I'm so---"

"Cut the out," Amber interrupted with her cold face, which made Minah's expression changed because she was so surprised to hear that from Amber.

"No need to be nice to me since I had disturbed your life, right? There's no use to congratulate me because I know you''ll be more happier since I'm leaving this school and going to be away forever from your life, Minah,"

"Don't need to say you're glad to meet me or to know me because I know you're telling damn lies," and Amber's eyes getting teary as she still stare right into the younger's girl eyes.

"I thought I've did my best to make you understand what I feel for you but the end you went around the school and bragged about me who misunderstand our relationship. So, what's those hugs and kisses meant then? Only just because you're afraid of me? Because I forced you?"

Minah stayed in silence, her face was red- almost crying.

"If I know actually I had disturbed you, I won't ever go close to you, then. I'd stay away as far as possible," Amber's voice cracked. She let the tears flow heavily as she furthered for more.

"Thank you for being nice to me, Minah. Thank you for saying you love me although you didn't mean it. Thank you for everything. Now I'm saying goodbye to you and you should pray we are not going to meet again because I'm afraid, I'll be disturbing your life for once more. Enough for this time, the sins that I've done, I take all the responsibilities for loving you and I pray the God will only punish me, not you,"

Amber wiped her tears,

"I'm sorry Minah, I promise to stay away and never to appear again," holding the pains inside her heart, the young Amber finished her words and didn't give the latter a chance to speak as she turned her body around and walked away.

______________________

Present Time

Amber let the running thoughts in her mind collapsed as she stared at the sky view from the window, having a moment reminiscing some of her old days back then.

The pilot's voice intruded at that time-announcing the flight to California was ready to land in 15 minutes, making her attention shifted to the screen on the backseat.

Then, Amber buckled up her seatbelt and urged herself to relax for a while as she rested her head back to the smooth cushion.

"You know, this is my first time seeing you quite excited to go back to meet mother. Last time, your face was all scrunched like a sulky cat," Jessica muttered, pushing through the trolley as she walked side by side with her younger sister, Krystal.

"What? Isn't that something good though? Which one you prefer, my face now or my face back then?" Kystal replied sarcastically.

The older only released a sigh then.

"Hhhh, I don't understand you. If not because of mother, I won't come with you, Soo Jung. You better fly alone,"

Krystal lifted her eyebrows together,

"Well... I don't mind. I have my travel company now,"

"Who?"

"Secret,"

"Hmm, you think I'm blind? I bet, that straight-forward Amber had been forced to stick with you, am I right?"

"No, nobody force her to stick with me. Everything came naturally,"

"Pfft, natural your ," the blondie rolled her eyes. "You grew closer to her now and I smell something's fishy,"

"What fishy? Ughh you and you maniac brain!" Krystal scoffed, "Is that wrong to be close with her by the way? Even you said, she's straight-forward and so nice. I can't see something wrong here?"

"I don't say something's wrong with you two, I'd just said something's fishy. Learn to differentiate, little sis,"

"The difference is?"

"You didn't notice how much you changed, aren't you?"

Krystal's forehead scrunched tight.

"Which part I changed?"

Jessica took a breath for a second as she furthered, "You are now less swearing. Your rudeness is much improved and... your expression, is way better than before,"

"Ridiculous," the younger said, shifting her eyes on the screen of her cellphone.

"Only the part that still can't be changed is... your anxiety to trust people," added Jessica. "I suppose that Amber had influenced you in good way,"

"That's why I said fishy. You and her seems to look... good together,"

"Do you even aware what you said, unnie?"

"Of course,"

"Me and Amber look good together? Despite the thing you don't know, we are like Heaven and Earth. She's too rigid and I'm too out-spoken,"

"So? Was that stopping you to have close acquaintance with her?"

The statement shutted .

"See? Now you can't find a reason to argue on my statement," said Jessica. Zipping off her hangbag, she furthered again with soft voice, "Come on mini princess, until when you want to run away? I know our parents had failed to show us how to build and maintain a good relationship but it isn't the main cause for you to choose to be all alone. I believe, their legacy is over and we should start our own,"

The younger sister said nothing, pretending she didn't listen to what has been said although in her thoughts- she couldnt deny the truth of it.

Krystal still remember how devastated she was when their parents ended their marriage with divorce as two of them decided to separate ways afterwards. Her father moved back to South Korea- continued his profession as philosophy lecturer while her mother remains in California, taking the responsibility to raise both Jessica and her by working hard day and night as the founder of cosmetic company.

She began her lonely life when she knew the father remarried and live happily with the new partner. That's also the starting point where Krystal became a 'rejecter' rather than being friendly and out-going. Her experience as an eyewitness for a sacred-love which shattered like pieces of glass made her hard to trust people or letting strangers come into the empty life. For her, what's the use of having so much people around you, when at the end nobody cares and remember any single thing?

And Krystal had changed herself from a small little girl with many silly dreams to a grown-up woman who live the life as a persistent loner.

"Are you done preaching?" she asked Jessica sarcastically.

"No, I would never give up on my role as your preacher until you'll know how to love people," replied the blondie. "Like how you love father so much,"

The sensitive word had caught in her ears which made the brunette stared at her older sister with a slight glare.

"You should prefer silence before I change my mind and tell mother what you're up to these days,"

"Go on, tell her if you dare," Jessica said or more like to challenge her sister's patience. "I'm not afraid to reveal to her who I am because I'm not a coward who still live with the dark past, Krystal. I am not like you,"

"You sure?" the challenge burns the flame of anger of the youngest. "I'll go directly then and expose for who you really are,"

Jessica crossed her arms casually, giving a smirk.

"Really? I'll be waiting for that moment to come, little sis because mother and you never have a conversation which lasts more than 15 minutes. I would love to see how it goes,"

"Must be pretty interesting,"

She grew furious to hear that and the siblings engaged in a burning stare contest before Amber's voice intruded them.

"Hey Krys, I'm thinking it will be nice if I can treat you and your sister some brewed coffee," asked the boyish, smilling. She bowed politely to Jessica and shifted back her attention to Krystal. "A long flight made me sore, both mentally and physically. I read somewhere that caffeine can help to reduce that,"

"I'm not interested, you go with this and I'm going home," the reply from Krystal made Amber's smile faded automatically. Her forehead scrunched so hard and she isn't so understand what she had done wrong to receive the cold treatment.
 

"Uhm... I'm sorry, what's going on? I'm lost," Amber tried to ask.

Krystal gave Jessica a sharp look before dragging her own luggage and left without a word. The older also said nothing although she was so mad with her younger sister's rudeness. Looking at the tomboy's face, Jessica flashed an apologetic smile.

"It was so nice of you to treat us but now isn't the perfect moment to cherish it, Amber-sshi. I hope we could hang out some other time when Krystal is cool enough and make up her mind. I'm sorry for her unnecessary behavior and you've done nothing wrong. It was me who started the fight,"

"Don't worry, siblings' fight is normal, right?" she added.

"O-oh... I see..." Amber muttered, watching Krystal who is walking away to the airport's exit door. She felt a little disappointed because they didn't able to say goodbye before departing ways to their different hometown. However, she understood when Jessica had explained that Krystal is so emotional  when she's been pierced with sensitive topic which she's been avoiding since the day their father left.

"It's okay, Jessica-sshi. I got it, maybe she's still hurts for what happened in your family. I'd also tried to avoid talking about any topic related to relationship. She needs time to heal," answered Amber calmly.

A bit overwhelmed with the reply, Jessica tapped the broad shoulder, thanking the short hair for her quick understanding. "You know, it is rare to find someone who can understand her and even me, her real sister is still struggling. What's your secret huh?"

Amber chuckled,

"No, there is no secret. We just click maybe,"

"Click?" Jessica asked. "What kind of click?"

"Uhm, friend? Housemates. No reason, I think since I'm also struggling to live, Jessica-sshi, as the same as Krystal, perhaps we share common as human being. She's still searching the whole world to know what she needs although she isn't aware she is lurking like an empty shell. The same case, I'm like that too," told Amber.

Jessica smiled a little then,

"You know, if one day I will be able to see Krystal is happy, I hope you are the reason,"

The statement made Amber went into silence. She felt like something heavy hanging at her lips as she had nothing to further on. Instead, the latter glued in her quiet mode for a second, figuring out what she have to say though.

Looking at Amber's expression, Jessica was so sure, there is something fishy going on between her sister Krystal with the skinny figure. Deeply she is confident, it is a fishy thing in a good way.

_________________________

Fishy thing not always bad, isn't it?

Thanks for waiting for me to update guys. Thanks for everything!

The next chapter is in making and let's see what happen to our KryBer :p

Love Love,

YOUR RYAI.