“Daehyun!” You opened the door to the dressing room slowly and smiled brightly. Looking through the camera lens, you saw him look up from his iPad, startled at first, but then a shattering smile replaced it.

            “Hey, what are you doing here?”

            You weaved skillfully through the tables and chairs to continue filming. “I have something to tell you.”

            You stopped the video then. This remains to be your favorite memory and you smiled, trying to stop the tears that were already forming in anticipation of what you knew was about to come. You leaned forward and pressed rewind until the video started from the beginning. You paused at every second, trying to drink in every detail. There was Daehyun with his head bent, his hair curly from all the stylists’ teasing. He was concentrated on the pad in front of him and even when others noticed you, you had placed a finger to your lips. He was not supposed to know yet.

            You had stared at him for a good few seconds until, as if sensing a new presence, he had finally looked up. He looked surprised, almost confused and you stopped the tape again. The emotions were overwhelming now and you had to fight down the lump in your throat. It slid down to settle painfully in the middle of your chest.

            As if addicted, your hands went once more to the remote to press play again. Now, millimeter by millimeter, you saw recognition light in his eyes and staring into those dark orbs had the hard rock shift back into your throat. His eyes were round and you remember teasing him, calling them hungry begging puppy eyes. A smile tugged on your own lips at the same time a trickle of tears cascaded from your lower lids.

            The video continued. You watched hungrily as his eyes turned up and his chipmunk pouches appeared as Daehyun gave you his signature smile. As hard as it was, you rewound the tape to examine everything in slower detail. It was as if you were seeing it all for the first time, rather than being the one to witness it all from behind the camera in the first place.

            Again and again, his smile went up and his eyes welled as recognition lit his features and finally, once you have reabsorbed his smile and the light in his eyes, you allowed yourself to continue.

            “Hey, what are you doing here?” His voice. That honeysuckle, slighting husky tone. The laughter that could never be hidden even when he wasn’t actually doing it. It has been too long since you’ve heard his voice in your ear. You hugged yourself tightly and started to replay again.

            “I have something to tell you.” From here, you settled back into the couch and watched. He glanced down at the iPad, turned it off and put it next to him.           

            “What’s up? Must be important if you’re going to be recording my reaction to it,” he teased.

            You stuck your tongue out at him, and even showed him your face so he could see. “Aren’t you the wise one?”

            Daehyun leaned back and spread his arms across the back of the chair. “Alright, come at me. What did I do wrong?”

            “Do wrong?” You were confused.

            “Aren’t you here to scold me about the dishes I forgot to do this morning?”

            There was a sharp gasp that had you cringing. The you in the video had clearly forgotten you were so close to the recorder. “Jung Daehyun! You didn’t do the dishes?” Your voice went up a full octave that would put his high range to shame. The comic relief was much needed and you laughed and wiped your tears as you watched his face change into one of horror and then anger, at himself probably for giving himself away.

            “Oh no, that was a joke,” he protested hastily, and the camera’s angle settled from the awkward tilt it had been to focus fully on his face again.

            “No it wasn’t. I washed them already. But that wasn’t why I came here although I admire the force of a guilty conscience.”

            He smiled sheepishly and it took all your control not to stop and stare at the screen again. You were going to see the video to the end. “Alright, so what is it? Do you want to get someone else to film? Come, sit here,” he patted the seat next to him invitingly.

            You shook your head. “I’ll tell you through this.”

            “Ayyy,” he gave you his disapproving look. “Youngjae, take the camera, remember my good angle, and you, Princess, you come sit here.”

            Suddenly the view shifted as Youngjae took the camera and his distinct mutterings were not lost as he adjusted the screen. “Good camera angle, my . You have nothing but ugliness.”

            Now face to face with your husband, you were nervous and your face showed it. You clearly remembered the feeling as the words you wanted to say were forced to the front of your mouth before inching back away. “Daehyun,” you began.

            He took one of your hands. “What’s up?” And now you wanted to cry. At the time you were too focused on your own panic to notice the look in his face but now you saw. He was worried. Somehow, your hesitance to speak had made him so worried, his eyebrows had drawn together unconsciously and he was searching your expression for a clue.

            “I,” you took another deep breath and then everything came out because there was no point hemming and hawing. “I’m pregnant.” Two very simple words, but a lifetime of meaning. A couple syllables, sound traveling through the air, but a permanent change.

            He was slow on the uptake, and even though you had witnessed his reaction already, knew what was happening, you still slid to the front of the couch, and held your breath. The camera swung wildly as Youngjae also took in the surprise.

            Daehyun’s eyes widened and then in a split second, he was shouting. He let out an almost dolphin-like bark and pulled on your hand as you toppled over into his arms. The hug he gave you wasn’t a proper one; in his excitement, he was half jumping out of his seat. You saw yourself turn red. Soon you were surrounded by people and there was noise everywhere and then you heard a small wail next to you.

            You looked down and stopped the video. Your baby had woken up. She sniffled and coughed as opened and closed, clearly hungry. You picked her up, wiped some of the tears off your face, and placed her in your lap.

            “Do we miss daddy too?” you asked her softly. tightened around the bottle and she vigorously, until the contents were almost done. She turned her head away and kicked her feet.

            You kissed her cheek and let her nibble on your finger. You looked up at the screen and saw that you had paused with Daehyun’s face right against the camera, bright-eyed and exhilarated, his mouth open as if saying something. Jaylie turned her head and maybe it was your imagination, but you saw her squint her eyes, as if identifying the person frozen in front of her.

            She has met Daehyun before, and you wanted to believe that she still remembered him. You missed him with an ache, a pain that dulled but woke up with a fresh vengeance whenever you chose to relive memories. It would be perfect if he could be here, next to you, gazing down at your daughter, and making the family complete.

            It had been a lonely eighteen months, with who knows how many more months in your future. You stared down at your baby and rocked her as you tried to picture his features again. Again and again, you would see the bright eyes, the cute pouch in his cheeks when he smiled. Jaylie turned her eyes on you and at least, she took after him there. At least you could have her to remind you of him.

            A tear dropped down on her cheek and puckered into a frown. Her fist went to wipe it away and she held out a hand to you. Her expressive eyes were downturned now, as she tried to take in the sadness you were showing.

            “I’m sorry,” you whispered as you hastened to wipe away the tears. “Daddy wouldn’t like to see mommy sad, right?”

            “I don’t think daddy would like it to see his two girls sitting lonely, staring at an image of him when he’s right here.”

            You looked up, and time took a while to catch up to you. He was standing in front of you, smiling and two strides forward he was right there, all you had to do was stand. Daehyun held out his arms and took you by the elbow, gently standing you up. His eyes went to his daughter and a proud smile spread across his face.

            “You’ve taken good care of her.”

            There were no words. Daehyun on the screen was nothing compared to this. This was beautiful. This was real. He took Jaylie from you, gave her a second to familiarize herself before staring into your eyes.

            “I’m back, Princess.”

I want to thank every single one of you. Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for being here for me.

I took a break because I was feeling overwhelmed, and it's been two weeks. I miss writing, but not enough to do it. Now, I'm back and I cannot guarantee a strong start; I'm still sorting things out. But I can promise that I'm a lot happier and ready to get my life back on track.

Thank you for supporting B.A.P, Daehyun, and me. I saw the pictures of him at the concert, saw how happy he was and that drew me back in. 

And I'm happy to be back ♥

I miss you all so much. Thank you