The problem with Himchan was that he was insecure. He was insecure to the point where he needed constant reassurance. And constant meant all the time. He was also a control freak. He had to be in charge of everything, and had to know that everything and everyone was on the same page as he was. It was a disease. Or so he had thought.

            The truth was all in the mindset. There was no right, no wrong. There was only a ‘how can you look at this?’ To everyone else, he was the constant. He was the rock that held everything together. But to Himchan, he was the one they went to only when they needed him and he was the one they all knew would just be there at the end of the day.

            It was difficult describing the pain he felt as he wondered to himself. Did his own friends even like him? If they did, why would they disappear for days and cut off ties with him? It was a consuming obsession. Why couldn’t people just like him? Why was that so hard?
            It could be seen as almost selfish, how everything is about him, and him. But the real problem was if Himchan was used to bringing all negativity to himself anyway, then why not do it again? Everything was his fault, and he always found a way to fix it.

            If there was a fight or disagreement, he’d tell himself, this was the last time he reached out to fix it. But then the doubt and the fear would settle in and within hours, he would be typing out long responses, hoping, praying that one of them would get through and everything would be fine again.

            He’s taken all these psychological tests and knows that on the scale of prevention to promotion, he was prevention plus plus. If 3.4 was the norm for a prevention dominant person, he was definitely an 11. Everything to him, psychologically, was about staying at the zero point. All he wants is to be able to have stability. He wasn’t a promotion person, concerned with gaining more friends or having more, getting to that one. He just wants everyone to stay at zero, because then that would mean there was no change at all.

            Change was a scary thing, and so were emotions. He’s great at reading them, great at advice when it comes to other people, and he doles them out like free pastries at a bakery when they came to him. But that was it. They came to him and once they were done, it’s as if they were no longer there.

            Himchan always felt a sense of responsibility to the people around him. He’s been called considerate, overly kind, very dedicated, all good things, but he wasn’t sure if they meant it. If he was going to allow himself some bragging rights, he can admit that he was a good friend. Maybe a little clingy on the inside but he cared. He was both tough love and unending support pillar. But who did he have to lean on?

            It was a lack of confidence that made him gasp for air the way he did when he feels his world falling apart, people dropping him. They say that a person should not care if he’s liked. But that’s the biggest bull he’s ever heard.

            How could he explain the fear of being alone, the fear of putting in everything and getting out nothing? The imbalance in his head, Himchan was a psychology major. He could go on and on about input output ratio and everyone can nod and say, “Oh I know.” But would they really know?

            It took a lot of growing up for him to get to where he is. There are fewer obligations now. He’s learned to take a step back, to give them some room to breathe, to breathe himself. He no longer feels the need for constant reassurance. At first it was because he was detaching, detaching. Detaching meant no more emotional ties.

            But he thought about it again. He thought and wondered if it could be true that he can be loved, that people do genuinely like him. Everyone was busy, everyone had their excuses. But if made his own excuses, wouldn’t he be the same? Then it would be alright.

            At the end of the day, it’s the little things that may not necessarily matter, and that, Himchan, realizes, is what he should always be looking for. The little things add to the big picture but in the large painting called “Friendship,” who cared if there were a few splotches here and there that was supposed to be light but turned out a few hues too blue?

            It was about love. Loving them, but loving himself. It was about giving his most, but not giving his all. Because giving his all was too dangerous, but giving most would be appreciated. It was about finding that balance, and most of all, knowing that he could only control so much, and in the end, he was a person to be deserved, not just the other way around.

Ending the year on this note.

There has been a lot of growing up and a lot of changes for me this year, and I'll be honest, I'm really ready for this year to be over. The last two years have been ones with a lot of ups and downs and I'm ready to go into 2015 happier, healthier and just better.

Happy New Year everyone.

Until 2015, my Potatomatoes