I splash the cold water all over my face, trying to wash away my thought that keeps lingering inside of my mind. I repeat it for a few times before lift up my head to the mirror in front of me. My face already become wet due to the cold water as I ignore them falling down over my face, dripping down to the sink above me. 

"What's wrong with you? This is totally not you, Kyungmi" I mumble under my breath as my voice echoes all around the air in the empty restroom. I’m too desperate about how horrible I was in the class a while ago. I kept losing my attention in the class which was almost getting me into punishment by the teacher, and more horrifying is I got caught twice. The teacher started to worry about me when she saw me in such a bad state even though I was trying to convince her that I’m perfectly fine.

I roughly grab some of the tissue that stuck on the wall then quickly wipe my face with it. I don’t have any idea that all of this could bring me into a bad situation, it simply gives me a huge impact to me. The moment I finish dry up my face, instantly I push forward my upper body to the mirror before letting out a quick gasp, when I notice my eyes get slight swell and the colour turn into red a little, probably because a lot burst the tears today.

“No wonder, Mrs Jang keeps asking me I was okay or not in the class” I mutter as turn around immediately, letting my back hit the sink. I shut my eyes for a few moments then open it back along with a heavy sigh.

I feel my heart tight with the million thought running in my brain. It’s suffer me so much. How badly I wish I could stop this kind of feelings. How I wish I could stop for..loving him.

“I can’t keep silence like this, I have to do something to get rid this kind of feeling!” I exclaim, letting my voice echo once again in the air but in the end I found myself lost again. That was quite the simple word to burst out from my mouth but I never intend to do it. It’s because I can guarantee that it won’t work as easy as I thought. It might take me into two or four months or maybe a year to erase those feelings.

“Then how? I can’t let myself down like this.” my fingers weary massaging my temple to get rid the stress off, hoping there will be a better way for me to choose but nope, there is absolutely nope. I feel very very frustrated now, very angry until my tear roll down to my cheek again. But being the stubbornness I am, I violently wipe it back with the back of my palm as I breathe out loudly. Just a moment something hit me.

“Myungsoo..” I spit out his name in whisper. The picture he has come to me in this morning, pop out into my mind instantly. I speedily turn around to face the mirror again as I tie up my hair into the ponytail immediately. I give the last look into the mirror, making sure that my face not to obviously look pale or dreary at the time.

The feeling of confidence starts rushing all over me all of a sudden, though it’s not a strong one but still this could help at least for me to get out of the situation. But does it sound like I’m going to use him? just a moment the guilty begin to bother me slowly, completely make me near lost again but I quickly throw the thought away, didn’t want it hunted me without even try it.

I dash out from the restroom and quickly to be greeted by the students who is walking pass by. They seem busy having a cit-chat with their close friend and the laughter could be heard by the group of guys not really far from me but those didn’t bother me at all as I begin to walk forward straightly to the hall. I don’t have any idea how long I’ve been in the restroom but all I know now the period of our recess almost over.

The moment when I’m about to reach his class, my step start to be slow, very slow as if a snail. The nervous, restless and anxious is mixed together as they begin rushing all over me abruptly as if giving me that is not a good sign. I take some breath for a moment, trying to calm myself. The beating sound has weakened me for some reason, however I attempt to brush it off.

The most importantly is focusing what am I going to do then think them later. I don’t know why but the confidence I’ve been set into myself early has faded away gradually, that is because the two figure catch my sight instantly through the window of the class. Two close friends who have a different personality that I used to confuse it. I know they would be there cause the fact that they are exactly in the same class to the one who I’m going to meet sooner or later. But the most attractive me is the one of two friend, who is more interesting to look outside of the window while his friend just read a book beside him in silence.

“Should I stop and go back to my class?” I whispers under my breath, biting my lower lip. I shift my eyes a moment toward the middle of the class then found out the person I’ve been looking from the beginning. He seems like in his own world as focusing to the phone in his hand without moving anywhere. His seat quite far with two friends I’ve been staring at a while ago, completely give me a strength again.

Perhaps turn back is not a good option for me. I stroll to the door then with a huge breath, I step into the class and apparently my presence has grab one of the two friends instantly. He rose up his head, lower his book down as well. His eyes become wide as if they are going to pop out of the socket, completely make him in shock state.

“Kyungmi...” it’s seem like his habit, saying my name with a tone like that.

Hearing my name has been mentioned by Youngjae, Daehyun quickly turn away from the window then slowly look in front of him. his eyes wander around before they perfectly land on me. just a moment our eyes meet to each other but it didn’t take so long as I quickly avoid it before dropping my eyes to my feet instead. I notice Daehyun’s reaction absolutely opposite with his friend, it looks more calm and nope expression written on his face.

I press my lip together as I’ve not realized that I’ve been stopped and stand right in front of the class like a statue.

I slowly make my way to the unaware Myungsoo who is still in his own world, I assure myself walking in the right way since I lower my head down. I could honestly feel two pair of eyes still glued on me as silently watching me. The curiosity and confusion obviously written on youngjae’s face and he doesn’t have any clue with my presence to his class. Therefore he doesn’t have any option but only wait for my next move in his place just like Daehyun do.

I stand right in front of the male’s desk as I try harder not to glance at the two figures behind Myungsoo. I boldly knock down the desk, attempting to grab his attention.

Seem him still not notice me from the start I'm coming, make me curse hardly inside of my chest. he just makes me in irritate state. The sound of knocking finally awake him as he slowly lifts up his head and about to yell but saw me who is the one disturbed him, his mouth shut instantly. His face revealed a same expression like Youngjae a while ago, shocking face.

“Oh, hye what are-”

“let’s go on the date” I perfectly cut his word just in time, his eyes become wide due my unexpected word as his lip apart a little. On the other hand, Youngjae gasp on his seat, found himself very hard to believe what just out from my mouth. Though, the distance between us quite far but it’s don’t mean he can’t hear every single of my word.

Youngjae can’t hold this anymore as he throws his book on the table before stand up on his spot, staring deep into me.

“Yah, Park Kyungmi, what the hell are you doing?” he bursts out, his face show half confused half anger. Daehyun seems like didn’t bother to stop his friend instead stare at me with nothing expression.

I pretend like I didn’t hear him as I only set my eyes to Myungsoo, waiting for his response. Myungsoo’s face bright up a little but still he’s not convinced by my decision. He knows the way I dismissed his demand in the morning obviously show him how hardest I was to be persuaded for a date. Plus, with my position that already be taken.

“Kyungmi, are you serious-”

“Yes, I am and pick me up this weekend at 8 in the morning” I quickly demand, can’t wait any longer. I feel like forever just to wait for Myungsoo to speak.

I know youngjae might come to me to stop me but I already forward, there is no way to retreat back. In the corner of my eyes I can see Youngjae begins take a first step to approach me, seeing him bravely make a move I turn around immediately. didn't even give him any chance as I walk to the door such a hurry, ignoring Youngjae who is now calling out my name non-stop. The way he calls my name look like he will kill me soon.

I didn’t wait for Myungsoo’s reply either because that’s not important for me. I want to escape from the place as soon as possible before I change my mind again.

Youngjae stops in the middle of the class when my figure disappear behind the door, making him stop chasing after me dramatically. He stares at the door as if there is someone standing over there. He doesn’t have any idea what was rushing over me until I dare to ask Myungsoo out while he know well that I dislike the guy.

Silently, he clenches down his fist hardly and make his knuckles turn into white pale. He turns his head around, looking over his shoulder. For the first time, he gives a sharp stare that full with outrage to his lovely friend. The time is perfect when at the same time daehyun’s eyes meet his. They exchange the stare that no one understanding before Daehyun casually break the contact by looking out the window again. it simply didn’t give him any effect at all.

..and Youngjae completely done with him.

At last, he lets out a weary sigh.

.....

Right after the school over, I didn’t straightly go home instead go to the mall that I used to go before I met him. Yeah, I’m back to my old life. Sighing, how many sigh I’ve made for today, once? Tenth? Or maybe hundredth. I’m tired, and now my life simpily seems different than before even I make it turn into my old life but it's still not same. I can compare how different is my life now.

I stop at one of the shops that serve an assortment of drinks to wet my throat. I bravely buy an unfamiliar drink that I've never tasted before, well, trying something new is a great idea. When I start to drink up, my first expression come out and it looks like more horrible than I thought. Although it tastes very sour with slightly bitter, but at the end I try to finish it up in one shot. It’s such a waste if I throw out them.

It didn’t take me that long in the mall as I change my destination and decide to just go home. However, on my way to my home, the park that I used to go abruptly attract me as well as I eventually be in the park. I wander around the park and didn’t even realized that the memories about him unwillingly greet me again. My pain starts to take over again, remembering how bad today that I’ve to face it.

I take a seat at an empty bench, trying to relax my mind for a while. The evening wind crazily blow toward me as I shut my eyes for a few minutes with a desperate smile on my face. Why there must be hardest situation for me to respite it? For whom should I put a blame on? Me? or him? but when I currently think again, there is not really his fault. It should be me who technically make a thing become harder. I started it first, I contempt to death let my heart taken by him. I put myself to love him. it’s my fault.

I shot my eyes open when I heard something quite loud near me. I turn my head to the side and saw the same Ahjussi who sell the ice cream with wheelbarrow before. Seem like he strolls to my direction through the path and then when he totally in front of my sight. I quickly make a surprise greet to him who seem unnoticed yet my presence or maybe he forget about me.

“Ahjusshi!!” I exclaim, shocking the older.

He respond with a small yell as he jumps a bit on his spot. He stops immediately on his spot then turn to look at grinning me. he starts to frown and at the same time try hard to recognize me. Seeing him still in clueness, a sigh escape my lip.

“Ahjusshi, it’s me” I place my palm on my chest. “ Who was the one bought your ice cream then distribute it to random people walked by, even though only four could I afford to buy. Remember me?” I shortly explain, trying to make his memory that day back again. his face shows he is thinking for a while before gasp silently.

“Ah, you. I remember now” He nods his head then flash me a huge smile. I only return him with a thin smile but then my smile slowly replace with awful smile.

“Ahjusshi, since you’re here, can I have three cup of ice cream?” I look at his tired figure. He frowns again as looks at me in curious state.

“Again? to whom are you going to give this time?” he shakes his head lightly, thinking that I’m too kind to make like this way. He somehow feels guilty.

“No one, me. me who the one will eat all of them” I breathe out, blink my eyes for a few moments. Is this the best way to release my tension? Well, I hope it works.

“Are you serious? Why?” He seems doubt with my word, as he asking for my reasonable.

“Because I feel like wanting to” I lie, letting out a nervous laugh at how bad I am when it come to lie but I already used with it. He gives me a suspicious look and about to speak up but I quickly interrupt him just in time.

“Ah, ahjussi, give me the ice cream now” I pretend to pout in front of him, whining like a little kid. The older can’t help but smile at my dramatically behaviour. Without asking twice, he starts to prepare three cups of ice cream an instant. Meanwhile I watch his movement in silence soon I on my own world with my gaze still glued on the older with a blank expression.

“Here” the older’s voice startled me as I snap from my deep thought immediately. I blink my eyes again before quickly take the ice cream in his hand. I begin to eat them impatiently, shoving them per spoon into my mouth without giving a space for me to taste them. I forcibly swallow down through my throat even the cold slowly hurting inside of my mouth, luckily today is hot day. I finish the first cup just only less than one minute then I replace with second cup followed by the third cup but I begin slowing down eating the last one, no rush anymore.

The older totally could breathe properly upon seeing me slow down eating the ice cream at the end. I lightly punch my chest with my fist when I feel cold under it , almost choke myself. The ahjusshi only shake his head at my action then he starts to speak up.

“You know what, seeing you in this state just remind me of someone” His sentence completely attract me as I look up at him, frowning. He didn’t continue instead approach me then take a seat next to me.

“Who?” I curiously ask.

“I don’t know, he just some buyer and he had come to me today then brought five ice cream from me, what surprise more is he ate them all in one time, in front of my eyes. That’s why I was not really surprised when you wanted to eat three cups of ice cream, I didn’t even stop you either. because I already watched someone eat more than three cups” He bluntly say. On the other hand, I nearly choke upon hearing his story. What the..

“Oh, really ajusshi? That’s unbelievable.. how could...” I pause, losing my word at the moment. How could he do that? I almost died ate three cup of ice cream a while ago but there a guy ate five cups and he ate them in one time!

“Ahjussi, are you sure he is not..” I let the word hang in the air as I point my forefinger to the side of my forehead then roll it in a circle. It's easy to say, I describe the word ‘crazy’ with language body.

“it’s not nice to say like that, miss” He kindly advice, shaking his head then a smile form instantly on his dry lip when he heard I mumble ‘sorry’ while lower down my head.

“He is actually a student, just like you, I bet he is exactly in the same school as you since your uniform look same like him” He adds, slightly chuckle. “but for some reason, it’s a bit strange seen him eat a lot like that. So, I asked him why make him ate that much but he just said because he was confused then nothing out from his mouth further more. I don’t have any idea behind his word, maybe he has his own story in his life. At the end, I just let him be and one more thing I just realized he was the one who buy a lot of ice cream that day..”he pauses when he notices I haven’t not really paying attention to him, I still have my head down. Seem like I’m in my own world again.

“Miss, Are you even listening?” He carefully nudges the side of my shoulder. I snap from my deep thought again as I look up at him immediately, in clueless state.

“huh? Yeah..ah no.. I’m sorry, can you repeat again?” I ask with an uneven voice as I mentally slap my face for spacing out again. He shakes his head, smiling.

“Never mind, seem like you’re not interested to hear about the boy. So I will stop”

His voice makes my heart break, suddenly I feel bad and I know he might consider me as rude one. I bite my lower lip in silence as mentally slap my face for not paying attention to him a while go. I should give some respect to him. it’s all because the guy named Jung Daehyun. He had put me into this kind of position, its real hard position for me. I keep spacing out because of him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and how much I want to cry about it.

I quickly stand up then bow for a few times in front of the ahjushi, His expression reveals a shocked one by my unexpected action.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry ahjussi.. I didn’t mean to-”

“it’s okay miss, stop apologizing, you’re embarrassing me” he lets out a soft chuckle, amusing. I stop my movement then watch the Ahjussi laugh joyfully on his seat. I soften see the view of him laughing before I join him along. Our laugher fills in the air with full of happiness. For a moment I manage to forget about him and then replace with someone else.

‘I miss my father’

I miss BAP so much !!!