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"Did you really need to come over my house wherever you have a problem with my friend?" he hands me a glass of juice then rest his next to me. it's not like he was meant it each word he said but he just couldn't figure out it what exactly brought me up to his house at this time, at the early night.

My presence totally surprises him a bit.

I lower my head down, squeezing the glass in my palm that I place in my lap. My voice didn’t come out yet since I appeared in font of his door. I know, it’s not nice to come to someone's house just because you’re feeling down. But I need someone, desperately need someone who can fix my mind back and the right person is him. he is everything to me now.

Youngjae lets out a heavy sigh when he earned nothing from me, leaning his back to the bench. He can possibly guess that something must be happened between me and his friend. He clearly can remember when he opened the door for me a while ago and quickly to be greeted by my wry face. The red eyes and nose showed everything to him.

“You can tell me everything you’re thinking right now. I know you come here isn’t for nothing, right?” He starts the conversation first because he knows I’m not going to say anything until he do. I slowly bring up the glass to my lips then drink a little to fresh my throat.

“I just think why I keep being stupid” My voice finally out from my mouth. Youngjae frowns immediately before tilting his head toward me.

“Are you just calling yourself are stupid?” Youngjae asks back, sounding confused. I make a light sigh as throw the gaze up to the dark sky. Shut my eyes for a moment, feeling the light wind against the whole of my face.

“Being a fake girlfriend and kept saying you’d never  like him but end up fell in love with him ,doesn’t that sound stupid?” I add again. Youngjae presses his lip together, trying to involve himself into the situation. He isn’t sure either by my word but he won’t answer those questions because he knows, that’s not for him for sure. It’s mostly for me.

At this moment he will only let his ears wide open for me, becoming listeners.

“These feelings raised up into my heart about two days ago but why I feel like I’ve been keeping this for a year. I feel freaking stupid the moment I thought about he’d  look at me as a special one, as a girl not as his sister but the reality hit me, He just did treat me like one. I don’t know why but I hate it.” I tightly my grip against the glass, expressing everything that pent up in the liver.

“That’s fine if he doesn’t love me, I’m not desperate either to have his love but I can’t accept the fact he looks at me as his sister. I just can’t. It’s hurt me a lot. I want him to see me as Kyungmi not Hana.” I let the glass slip off into the ground as I cover my face with both of my palms. The orange juice spills around as the glass roll right to Youngjae’s feet.  Seem like youngjae didn’t even bother to pick up the glass since his attention has now been fully to me. I remove my hand from my face after a moment.

“I..I’m not blaming Hana for this and I know He misses his sister so much, I do understand the feeling but can’t he stop doing this to me. Things had changed when I’m starting to like him. There is not same anymore when I had realized my feeling for him. it’s totally different because all his words or action becomes my sensitive now, they will straightly go to my heart, I can’t handle it but to feel it” I bluntly say, glancing for a while to Youngjae’s face.

“You know what? This is what I am afraid of. You’d fall for him while you’re being his fake girlfriend. I can surmise this thing was going to happen.” Youngjae turns to face me, putting his hand on the top of mine. His touch is full with concerned as I just let him do so.

He gives me a thin smile when my eyes meet his. I let out another sigh as just admit it what just he said because it’s really happening now. There is no way for me to deny it.

“yes, you’re right and I’m a fool one for not even thought about it, anyway, your conscience is good” I sincerely say, slightly smile. He pulls away his hand then bend down to take the glass off the ground.

“You too, you’re good how to control the mood” He enunciate with half joke. I response him with a soft laugh. He knows me well cause I will change my mood so dramatically. I take some breath then let out the heavy sigh of relief when I feel the weight on my shoulder has been lifted up. My heart feels a sense of spaciousness for a bit but Youngjae’s face is not longer have a smile instead an anxious face.

“But, there still have something I want to tell you” He abruptly says, sounding a bit hesitate. I look at him as I raise my eyebrows a little, the smile still plastered on my face.

“Go ahead” I give him a quick nod. He gives me a guilty face as he bites his bottom lip, debating with himself. I still wait for him to say something as I stare deep into his eyes. soon, the frown is starting to draw on my face when I heard nothing come from his mouth yet. The sound of his sigh quickly greets my ears as well and the second thing I see him begin shake his head.

“Let’s forget what am I going to say” He states as get up from the bench with the empty glass in his hand. Before he makes a first step, I quickly grab his wrist, preventing him. he looks down at me. The face he is showing me right now making me sure that he really wants to tell me something but he just endures it.

“What is exactly bothering you?” I voice up to him. he slowly pulls his hand away from me while shutting his eyes for a moment. He gathers all the courage into his chest before open his mouth again.

“I know you’re going to hate me if I say this but I really hope your fake relation will end so soon” He bluntly say, split everything on his mind right now. He completely shut my mouth with his unexpected word. I can’t believe he just said such a thing like that. I always thought he didn’t even mind with this relationship because he’d always tease me with Daehyun but now his word is unable to take.

“Y..you are what?” I found my voice a little stammer. I stand up immediately as my stare turned into a dark one. He saw my facial expression has changed as well, making him more confident to continue his unfinished word. He places the glass on the bench before holding both of my shoulders, gripping them.

“Look Kyungmi, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I hate you with Daehyun being together or anything but the relation you’re having with him now is not real. You should be aware of all of this. I think this fake relation is getting more more ridiculous, isn’t? Now you like him, it will be possible for you to continue all of this. You will get hurt, kyungmi” He breathes in and out a little when he could eventually find some air. He stares at me but only to be greeted by my emotionless face.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. Daehyun is so hard to predict his feelings, even he’s my best friend he never once shares his own feeling with me.  I still clearly remember, he didn’t even let all of his friends know about how was he feeling when his sister died. We only saw his calm face but we couldn’t guess anything that stuck inside of his chest.” Youngjae says in an uneven voice.

“I know you’ve been thinking the same way as me before, right? you want to end all this fake relation, right? but like you said, things all changed when you’re falling in love with him.” He makes a heavy sigh as release both of my shoulders with a heavy heart. He takes the glass back into his hand then turn around letting his back facing me. I silently bite my lower lip on my spot as I lower my head down, the tears start to fill in my eyes.

“When you start to love someone, you will always want to be by his side even you have to pretend” He says again, with a low voice that could be heard only me and him. The outside of courtyard his house is filled with silence when I hug him from behind all of sudden as bury my face into his shirt.

“You are right, I really wanted to escape from him. I wanted to end all of this but that was before I like him and now everything has changed. I’m scared. I’m starting to scare he will let me go for real. He can do that anytime he wants and I don’t think I’m ready for that.” I burst into tears as tightly my hand around his body.

“I rather pretend to be his fake girlfriend than become the stranger to him, I know he will possibly do that right after he lets me free.” I add again, my voice sounds quite terrible behind his back. I really need someone now and I know I come to the right person.

.....

The next day I’ve found myself, sleeping in the bed of someone. I’ve fallen asleep in youngjae’s hand last night and eventually let me slept over his house. It‘s because we still have a school today he took me home super early in the morning because I have to wear my uniform first before going to the school.

Since my condition still in unstable from all the emotion I’ve showed up last night, Youngjae offered himself to take me to the school instead while he told Daehyun that he don’t need to come over since he will give me a ride. Youngjae seems has been reading my mind at the moment and I’m too thankful for that. He’s done a lot to me.

But my happiness didn’t stay any longer when I thought I’d safe in the school without unruliness into my brain. But here, I am now, being followed by another one.

“Stop following me!” I shout as keep my feet to walk forward and the person behind me seem like didn’t bother to listen my demand as long as he can’t get what he wants. I’ve been walk almost around the school, hoping he will stop follow me but he doesn’t.

“No, until you answer me” He stubbornly insist which make me want to burst into a anger now.

“I won’t give my answer.” I reply him back. Although our distance quite far from each other, I can sense his figure out behind me. I don’t understand what exactly has come into him until he bravely asks me such the thing.

“why? It’s just a simple request from me” He seems like don’t have a sign to stop.

“Are you kidding me? your demand doesn’t make sense at all! You asked me to go on a date and you already know I have a boyfriend.  You’re freaking insane Myungsoo!” I raise my voice a little, frustration.

“Only one day, you have just go out with me only one day, Kyungmi. I won’t ask you more.” Myungsoo states, attempting to convince me. I can’t believe I’ve to go through all of this. Am I looking like a book for them to borrow anytime they want? I somewhat looked like a toy for a guy to play with including Daehyun.

“I can’t do that, Myungsoo I-”

“Can’t you please once understand me? at least understand my feeling” He cuts my word as starting to beg this time. His statement completely makes me stop on my track. My feets automatic being glued to the ground due to his word. Myungsoo also stops on his spot just like I did.

“You don’t have any idea how much I love you, and I understand you can’t love me back but can you at least understand my feeling for once. it’s suffocating me a lot.” His voice low but enough for me to hear clearly each word he said. I make a deep sigh as I shut my eye for a moment.

‘you want me to understand your feeling then how about mine? Daehyun never once to try to understand my feeling, he just full with himself and now I have to help someone who has the same problem like me, Oh gosh. Why love is so hard? ” I mentally scream in my heart.

I breathe in for a moment before letting them out through my mouth. This is huge sigh I’ve even made today. I turn around on my heel, facing the guy in front of me. Through his face I can literally see his big hope.

“I will think about it again” I give him a desperate smile as I can see his face bright up a little when he knows there still have some hope for him. but I’m not sure this is right choice or not but I hope it will. He spreads me immediately a smile he used to give to me then wink to me once.

“Hope the answer won’t disappoint me” He bluntly says then turn around to walk away. I stay still on my spot, just watching Mungsoo’s figure out until he disappear from my view. I bite my lower lip hardly then turn around again. I should be in class now but right after I turn around. I’ve been greeted by another presence as I’m a bit flinched on my spot. My heart starts to beat faster again when he is in my sight now.

Why must he appear at this time? I complain in my heart. I’m about to walk away but he quickly cuts me off.

“Why are you didn’t go on a date with him?” His question quite surprises me. I raise my head up instantly to him, slightly frowning.

“Are you just eavesdropped our conversation, didn’t you?” the question reply with the question. I stare at his eyes, and suddenly I feel uneasy inside of my chest, as if telling me that something wrong is going to happen sooner or later.

“Why don’t you just say yes to him?” He ignore me as attacks me with another question again which make me a bit frustrated. What’s wrong with him?

“why should I?” I look away from him, throwing a gaze to the three that place not really far away from us.

“Because our rules is over now, you don’t have to pretend to be my girlfriend anymore..”

Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black keys represent sadness, but as you go through life, remember that the black keys make a music too. :)

-Bang Yong guk, BAP

#ForeverWithBAP

#StayStrongBAP