Before we left the prison, the officer who interviewed us gave me the exact address to the cemetery where my father laid to rest, and as expected he assumed the identity of the killer Park Jaeyeol. He also said that they will take care in informing the family members about the situation we are in.

At least their Park Jaeyeol was still alive. Mine was long gone, and we never even had a clue.

Suho fulfilled his promise to me by driving me back to Seoul. He seemed too cautious of his actions before we head home and during the long drive. In fact I don’t even recall myself talking to him or to anyone after the confrontation, maybe because I was too preoccupied by my own thoughts.

“Jaehee ya…” between the two of us, Suho was always the first person to reach out, and again, it’s all my fault. I didn’t plan to ignore him throughout the trip, but I don’t know what’s happening to myself anymore. I was too troubled to talk back.

Suho pulled over. He also couldn’t bear on looking at how I am acting right now. He was silent for a few seconds, maybe trying to find the right words to say, something that I lack right now.

“Jaehee ya…”

I snapped back to reality. I don’t want Suho to get mad at me as well, “I’m fine.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” I slowly turned to me, and saw his eyes strongly focused to mine.

"You are anything but fine Seo Jaehee,” he answered back, his tone not as restrained as before.

He was right. I am not fine, and I never will be. I thought that it was only my illness that hindered me from feeling alright. Now I feel that the sole cause of all my struggles in life, is myself.

"What should I do then Suho ya?” right now I don’t feel the urge to cry even if there is sadness in my voice, “Tell me… because I don’t know what to do anymore.”

I’ve never been disappointed to myself before. I’ve never blamed myself for being sick, for not being strong enough to take care of myself. I thought I could handle everything well, that if I could just live through another day, just concentrating on the present, I’ll be just fine. But the truth was that I was too afraid if my own problems become too big for me to handle.

Moving on has always been my excuse. Facing my fears has never been part of my way of life.

We arrived at my house, still not talking, and instead of going straight to his home, Suho got out to his car as well. I went inside the café first, while Suho was a few steps behind me. Mother was waiting by the counter, with Joowon looking cheerful as always. I wanted to smile back, just out of courtesy, but I think my brain doesn’t want to function well right now.

“Jaehee ya…” mom approached me and automatically gave me a hug, “How did your trip to your father go?”

My father. Again the thought of it made me sick. How can I tell her that I did not see my father there? That we’ll never see him again? Instead of answering my mom, I just reciprocated her very tight hug.

“Jaehee ya,” my mom’s tone changed. She could feel something’s wrong, “Are you okay?”

I thought I was going to have another crying episode with my mother, but tears wouldn’t flow out of my eyes. I wanted to cry, now that I’m under her embrace, but I couldn’t. Now I’m convinced that there’s someth