☆*:.｡. ✧{You're Only Mine}✧ .｡.:*☆

Story Reviews

»You're Only MineReview«

☆*:.｡. ✧{You're Only Mine}✧ .｡.:*☆ - main story image

Story

Title (3/5)

The English is wrong and apart from it being a slightly fluffy title it doesn't draw your attention. I am however able to see a relationship to the story; the boys have shown an interest with a tinge of possessiveness. 
 
Foreward/Description (8/10)
 
Sums up the story nicely without giving too much away. Well done here. 
 
Appearance (3/5)
 
The front page is beautiful but the rest of the chapters should not have that layout, the font becomes extremely tiny and its hard to scroll, making the read very uncomfortable.
 
Plot (11/15)
 
I am giving you a score as such based on what could potentially have been a great story. You need to work a lot harder on your language and planning to bring the story across. 
 
Some misleading content:
- In chapter 5: I don't recall Kai seeing Suzy and L sharing intimate moments
- Also didn't Suzy already announce L's reason for being absent and yet they ask again?
 
Suzy coming from a broken family; a lot of emotional development for her can be done; L as the childhood friend who has always been there for her. Along comes Kai who shares a history with Suzy as well. All these can potentially make up an intricate plot but your language is bringing it down.
 
Originality (12/15)
 
Fact that it's highschool based love triangle its hard to get a highscore but credit given to matured themes of broken family and complex history between characters.
 
Language (8/20)
 
Your grammer and tenses face a huge number of mistakes. General expression of story telling needs improvement:
 
-you mix their speech and thoughts along with actions that makes it very confusing
-you might want to look into paragraphing and layout too
 
Flow (4/10)
 
You switch POVs in the middle of the chapter with no warning and that's a huge confusion caused. 
 
I do credit your pace within the story.
 
Characterization (5/10)
 
As mentioned earlier, a lot of effort can be put into Suzy's character. Her emotional trauma and you haven't focused on the fact that she doesn't believe in love, instead of being cynical right now she just seems ignorant and (sorry but a little stupid as well) being unaware of the fact that she's physically attractive. 
 
I really don't know why L and Suzy are disliked within the school.
 
I can't tell if Luhan is interested in her or just being clingy.
 
Overall Enjoyment (4/10)
 
A potentially good storyline with nice choice of characters, work needed in writing it out. Also do edit the layout.
 
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
 
58/100!
 
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Comments

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aya-ELF #1
Chapter 85: Thank you for the review dear! I was relly shocked with the language part OTL, I'm gonna go fix it right now! By the way, do you think it will be better if I write a simple prologue to explain the life of a demon and what's the benefit to have a mate??
EPIONE #2
Heyy,

I don't know if you remember me, but I was just wondering where you're currently working this year as a reviewer?
I'd love to request from you again.

Best,
Epione
teenme14 #3
Chapter 72: Okay.. Thanks for the review ^^

Now to clarify XD
Title: As you said, the highlight/ of the story has not yet come. So yeahh..
Plot: This is my first chaptered story after my long hiatus from writing. After the hiatus, I wrote a two shot. So, I kinda forgot how to write a chaptered story XD The present time of the story is at the end of Summer (hence, their summer break). Oh, and I plan on making this fic a 40 chaptered fic.
- I guess I haven't mentioned the type of phone she is using. Samsung phones are quite cheap in Korea but are also expensive for people with financial probs. So, back to her phone. The phone she is using is a Samsung Galaxy Win Pro G3812. And she is using pre-paid which you'll have to top-up each time the credit finishes or it expires, whichever comes first.
- The cafe's delivery system works like this: A person will order through phone, and they jot down the name and address of the person. One of the workers will be asked to deliver the drink/food. If the house is near enough, they deliver by foot. If it is rather far, they ride a bike.
-I am not a dancer and... OTL I really need a dancer to help me whenever dancing scenes come up TT.TT
- About Mr. and Mrs. Kim, it will be known in the next chapter that I'm writing now.
Characterization: I am really bad at this XD Jongin's feelings at first was just merely interested. It's not a crush. He just simply feels interested by the girl. Hana & Sehun... We'll know more once we're more into the story XD

So.. yeah.. Thanks ^^ Sorry for the English mistakes. English is not my first language
teenme14 #4
Chapter 62: Thank you for the review! Glad you liked it! ^^ it's a bit fast paced coz I had a deadline to follow and finished it in 2 days xD I was planning on making a special chapter for the part before jongdae confessed to get to know Hye Sun better and how Jongdae came to like her. I was in a rush, so yeah. I was thinking that a LIFETIME to forget was that, he WOULD eventually fall in love with another girl but he would never forget Hye Sun since she was his first love. About the part where she died: I wanted her to die in an accifent rather than in the surgery was because Jongdae's parents died in an accident too which would somehow, idk, increase the pain (whut)
hanajoe #5
Chapter 32: Thanks for the review^^
I know my i'm not good enough in English T-T but i will try my best to write it!
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