Hotmess - Review
Story ReviewsTitle (2/5)
It should be two words; hot mess. Personally, I don't feel that either characters really fit into the "hot mess" character so I'm not too sure if this is appropriate. Jongin might be a bit of it but since you're putting equal weightage on both characters you might want to choose a title centered around their relationship instead.
Foreward/Description (8/10)
Good background introduction to characters.
Appearance (4/5)
I like it, it gives a sense of mystery and the usage of red roses signify passion.
Plot (11/15)
Generally a good storyline but I have a couple of feedback:
- Chapter 15-16: To a reader it does seem pretty obvious that Kyungsoo has indeed fallen for Jongin and it does seem that Jongin has caught onto it which explains why the courage to kiss him as a mode of confession. However at the next moment you declare that Kyungsoo himself and Jongin both are not aware of Kyungsoo's feelings.
- I would have liked more emphasis on the turn of events in terms of parents' attitudes (both Kyungsoo and Jongin; especially Jongin) We have no idea why Kyungsoo's parents suddenly changed and its a surprise how Jongin's father is able to let him go so easily. I think you showed throughout the story how their parents were the main reason for their current personalities so it's only fair emphasis is placed on them when things got better between the boys.
- I would have preferred that the story ended at chapter 19. Chapter 20 was quite redundant since a proposal was more than enough to mark a happy ending. Also gay marriages are a bit tricky and it seems quite awkward for me to have Kyungsoo become a girl and taking Jongin's surname. Note Kyungsoo's family is of high valued background so I do not think a change is surname is advisable here. I don't know much about gay marriages but you might not want to tackle it if you're not confident as well. Also the bringing in of Jongin's extended family makes it questionable; if he had family to rely on why did he not? My suggestion is to write it as an epilogue and a wedding makes sense to me if you were going to include ; bringing their relationship to the next level.
Other than that the development of their relationship is well written with a good pace.
Originality (14/15)
Not something out of the blue but two unique characters nonetheless
Grammer & Spelling (12/20)
Overall your language is a bit lacking; watch your tenses, phrasing and even spelling.
Flow (6/10)
Relatively good in terms of story development except for the pointers mentioned above. The one thing I am not comfortable is is the heading/title of each chapter. You have labelled everyone of them "chapter one". The initial few chapters you labelled them as Chapter One - First Day - Pure; which does not look good; my suggestion would be Chapter One: Pure First Day; Chapter Two: Impure First Day. Also the font appears horribly on my computer; they are overlapping and unreadable.
Characterization (10/10)
I'm going to give you full marks here as you did a good job in building up of their characters and relationship.
Overall Enjoyment (8/10)
Good storyline, good plot development, good relationship build up. However language can be improved upon.
Total: 75/100
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