Unimpeachable Fugitive: Rebirth
Story Reviews»Unimpeachable Fugitive: Rebirth Review«
Title (3/5)
So far it does fit and I give credit for choosing a good word for your title which draws people in using a contradiction/irony. However in current standing I am not sure if the word "innocent" is better than "unimpeachable"
Foreward/Description (10/10)
I really liked it, from the way you put a dictionary definition for your title to the short descriptions for each character and your short and appropriate description. Well done. Perfect.
Appearance (5/5)
Very nice. I have the feeling of rebirth which is essential and deep. Good choice of colors.
Plot (9/15)
It's honestly too early into the story to determine anything but here are some pointers:
-Be careful when you're dealing with laws, prisons etc because different countries have their own types of punishment. I assume this is in Korea so note if a death penalty is a bit too severe for multiple robberies
-Also, I don't think cell mates are allowed to abuse each other without getting caught by the wardens
-This is a personal opinion: I feel that Jageun is instead Victoria's sister who got kidnapped and Victoria's hoobae is actually Lu Han. If I am indeed right, you might want to reconsider how you phrase your words, how you drop hints and overall how to construct your plot because I know you are trying to keep your readers in suspense. (which is a good thing but the suspense isn't strong enough unless you planned for a plot twist but let's skip this discussion or take it private ;-))
-Things to consider: the fact that Victoria has the power to investigate a lot of things; ie she will know most truth. Jaegeun eventually needs to say more about her background.
Originality (11/15)
Definitely interesting with a touch of maturity which is rare for EXO-based stories. Penalizing you here because (I really don't know how old you are really) but it lacks the level of maturity the writing is supposed to achieve to match the plot. Ie; sometimes Jageun doesn't sound/act like a 23 year old who has been through a lot in life.
Language (13/20)
Tenses, punctuation and overall phrasing. Here are but a few I picked out:
I heard mom screamed at the police officer
I heard mom scream at the police officer
I was struggling hard to free myself from his clasp but the police officer was strong, strong enough to break a door with one hand.
I was struggling hard to free myself from his clasp but the police officer was strong; strong enough to break a door with one hand.
I'm alone in this prison cell, I'm scare.
I'm alone in this prison cell and I'm scared.
Flow (5/10)
A bit lacking in terms of development for me; ie time in prison and losing of parents is a huge thing I would have liked to have more time spent there in development (of character)
Only 5 chapters and these much have happened:
-prison time over
-parents dead
-first love disappeared
-new life found
Characterization (5/10)
Connecting this to the above comments.
Jageun as the lead needs a lot more development. I still don't know anything about her past and how her family was to decide how she is supposed to react now that she found an older sister who cares a lot.
What exactly was she doing when her parents were captured? Studying or? You can't get into a good university if you don't have the basics. Also, note 5 years is a long time, and the psychological damage of prison.
Victoria, noted on efforts on her story to success but why would you randomly take in a stranger as your sister; it has to be something more to Jageun than just "looking like her sister"
Also; what exactly is Lu Han to Jageun; note and develop.
Overall Enjoyment (6/10)
It wasn't a bad read at all; I sincerely hope the comments above aid in the future development of this story and feel free to reach out to me =)
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
67/100!
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