Immortality Isn't Enough
Story Reviews»Immortality Isn't Enough Review«
Title (2/5)
It's a nice title but I personally felt that it didn't suit the story. Having read the title and knowing this story was about death, it felt like it would lean towards the idea of unfinished business but it wasn't so. The main gist is the transition between the two worlds and the relationship of the characters.
Foreward/Description (9/10)
Nice introduction into the main character without giving away anything, enough to keep readers going.
Appearance (5/5)
It is a gorgeous poster. Also credits for including the "glimmering house" and for the good choice of colour and texture to fit the atmosphere of the story.
Plot (13/15)
I really liked the story. There was a feeling of inception crossed with Peter Pan in there. I think fantasy, alternate reality is not an easy topic to handle but I thought you did justification. I also liked how you made the ending a twist though it was quite expected. Leaving the ending as a cliffhanger with Yongsaeng waking up or not was a beautiful touch.
Just one feedback; I understand that this is a one-shot but there is so much room for development, explanation and dramatization.
- Their relationship could have expanded so much, they should feel more connection that just pure . Connection could have been made in the midst of lust but there should have been some more bonding. Following, it would have been nice to see Kyujong missing Yongsaeng more.
- I think death is a frightening thing so more drama could have been added to Kyujong's transition and how Yongsaeng managed to coax him
- I think the major lacking point in your story is Yongsaeng's character development which I will go into in the characterization section
Originality (13/15)
Definitely an original idea here in AFF, but you did mention if as a rip-off from Peter Pan so I'll give you points as such.
Grammer & Spelling (16/20)
Overall no big errors, readable language but the flow in general could have been improved upon in terms of phrasing. Certain sentences come off a bit abrupt.
Small spelling mistakes spotted:
In the next few days Kyujong found that Youngsaeng was right, he could do whatever he waned.
Days passed where they did nothing but enjoy one another's company; Kyujong found that Youngsaend was shy to talk about himself,
Flow (8/10)
Generally well done except for the point mentioned above on being more in-depth at certain parts. Does feel a bit weird that one moment they are ghosts and strangers and the next moment they're having .
Characterization (5/10)
Yongsaeng's initial suspicious character of not wanting to reveal his past made me wonder if he was some kind of stalker to the idol or had a relationship with Kyujong in the past which he hoped would not surface. If the crash was the only thing, Yongsaeng had nothing to worry about because Kyujong obviously did not recognize his face. I say this because if Yongsaeng could open up a bit more and find once again some form of connection and bonding with Kyujong, the ending could have been made more beautiful because your readers can see how much Yongsaeng means to Kyujong and vice versa. Also, I could not comprehend the attraction Yongsaeng had towards Kyujong.
Hope this is helpful in some way.
Overall Enjoyment (9/10)
Creative, well-written, short and sweet.
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
80/100!
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