My Heroine, My First Love

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»My Heroine, My First LoveReview«

My Heroine, My First Love - main story image

 

 

Title (4/5)

Suitable enough but a slight suggestion; "His heroine, His first love"
 
Foreward/Description (7/10)
 
The Luhan bit sounds like he had an ex who looked like Celeste (but is not) and he was only fell in love with Celeste because she reminded him of something else. Other than that it was fine. 
 
Appearance (4/5)
 
I like the poster. Sweet choice of colours and suitable characters being portrayed.
 
Plot (10/15)
 
Overall a good storyline. Interesting and has a lot of room for story development.
 
Just a couple of pointers which I hope can help improve your story:
 
-As per mentioned, your foreword makes it seem like Lunan's "first lover" isn't Celeste
-You confirmed this suspicion in Chapter 3 when you went into the flashback
-Transition from chapter 2 to chapter 3, you did not state how, why and under what circumstances did Celeste return to her apartment
-Back in chapter 1, I also have no idea why she ended up in Luhan's bed, why not Lay's?
-Also in chapter 2 whilst it was written in "your" POV, you suddenly knew Xiumin's name without the introduction
-I didn't particularly like how you explicitly stated it as a "young Luhan" yet you want to keep a sense of suspense that Celeste's recurring childhood dream was an unknown male, contradictory. Why wouldn't Celeste recognise Luhan if she knew the small boy was a young Luhan?
-In chapter 3 as well, when you returned to work after a long break, does your friend not bother questioning your disappearance?
 
Just ensure that you don't allow for all these missing gaps to surface. Hope you understand where I'm coming from and hope you find them useful for your following chapters ;-) Good luck!
 
Originality (13/15)
 
Giving you credit here. It is indeed an interesting storyline.
 
Grammer & Spelling (17/20)
 
Generally no huge mistakes that affect your overall story.
 
But a couple of mistakes I spotted:
-Chapter 2: "Furthermore, you helped LAY; it's only fair that we let you rest here."
-Chapter 3: "A few days HAD past"
 
You might want to improve the sentence structure and flow of words overall.
 
Flow (5/10)
 
I have to penalize you here due to the gaps you left in the story as mentioned above. It causes abruptness to the story. Apart from that the basic storyline development speed is going rather smoothly.
 
Characterization (8/10)
 
Not too bad at all in this aspect. I can understand the characters, their personalities and emotions pretty well. Just note the way you write; who's POV and what expressions should be made prominent.
 
Overall Enjoyment (7/10)
 
A comfortable read on a whole with an interesting plot.
 
Reviewed by: eunhyuksgal
 
75/100!
 
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aya-ELF #1
Chapter 85: Thank you for the review dear! I was relly shocked with the language part OTL, I'm gonna go fix it right now! By the way, do you think it will be better if I write a simple prologue to explain the life of a demon and what's the benefit to have a mate??
EPIONE #2
Heyy,

I don't know if you remember me, but I was just wondering where you're currently working this year as a reviewer?
I'd love to request from you again.

Best,
Epione
teenme14 #3
Chapter 72: Okay.. Thanks for the review ^^

Now to clarify XD
Title: As you said, the highlight/ of the story has not yet come. So yeahh..
Plot: This is my first chaptered story after my long hiatus from writing. After the hiatus, I wrote a two shot. So, I kinda forgot how to write a chaptered story XD The present time of the story is at the end of Summer (hence, their summer break). Oh, and I plan on making this fic a 40 chaptered fic.
- I guess I haven't mentioned the type of phone she is using. Samsung phones are quite cheap in Korea but are also expensive for people with financial probs. So, back to her phone. The phone she is using is a Samsung Galaxy Win Pro G3812. And she is using pre-paid which you'll have to top-up each time the credit finishes or it expires, whichever comes first.
- The cafe's delivery system works like this: A person will order through phone, and they jot down the name and address of the person. One of the workers will be asked to deliver the drink/food. If the house is near enough, they deliver by foot. If it is rather far, they ride a bike.
-I am not a dancer and... OTL I really need a dancer to help me whenever dancing scenes come up TT.TT
- About Mr. and Mrs. Kim, it will be known in the next chapter that I'm writing now.
Characterization: I am really bad at this XD Jongin's feelings at first was just merely interested. It's not a crush. He just simply feels interested by the girl. Hana & Sehun... We'll know more once we're more into the story XD

So.. yeah.. Thanks ^^ Sorry for the English mistakes. English is not my first language
teenme14 #4
Chapter 62: Thank you for the review! Glad you liked it! ^^ it's a bit fast paced coz I had a deadline to follow and finished it in 2 days xD I was planning on making a special chapter for the part before jongdae confessed to get to know Hye Sun better and how Jongdae came to like her. I was in a rush, so yeah. I was thinking that a LIFETIME to forget was that, he WOULD eventually fall in love with another girl but he would never forget Hye Sun since she was his first love. About the part where she died: I wanted her to die in an accifent rather than in the surgery was because Jongdae's parents died in an accident too which would somehow, idk, increase the pain (whut)
hanajoe #5
Chapter 32: Thanks for the review^^
I know my i'm not good enough in English T-T but i will try my best to write it!
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