And slowly we fell apart. I didn't know how to be fine anymore. I just can't keep on smiling anymore and pretend that everything's fine; that I am indeed fine. Because I am not and never will I be. After he left, I just can't wrap myself together. I feel like every day is a day to face with my head up high but I can't.

At first, we had the lengthy call before we both go to sleep. We even spend our free time sending photos to each other just to update whatever we are doing.

Then after a month, we just grew tired of doing such routine. The lengthy phone calls became short text messages. The photo sending just became sticker messages. And the same "us" is slowly fading.

I tried to convince my heart that we are just busy and don't have much free time that's why we are acting that way but it does not change the reality that we are both unhappy with our situation, that things in the past are different from the things in this present time.

And then I heard he was set to debut with a male idol band. I wasn't only taken a back but I also felt the same feeling when he told me he was moving knowing that he actually lied to me about studying. He lied to me for 3 years that he'd been secretly training. But that was the moment when things between us felt right. He was calling me all day and night, explaining his side, asking for forgiveness for not telling me the truth, and trying to fix things between us.

"It's okay. I am not angry anymore. It's just that I hate people who keep a secret from me especially if it's the one I love." I told him and the only thing he can say is "Sorry."

"Just go to sleep," was the message I sent him via Kakaotalk. It should have been longer like "Just go to sleep and rest. You need strength for your training tomorrow." But I couldn't bring myself to send such so I cut it.

I just don't know anymore. This feeling, I don't even know if I am still firm in our promise of not changing hearts. Maybe i am not really changing hearts, maybe I am just hurt and I wanted to give up already.

-Hiding the pain and always trying to smile

That's hard; I'm not good at that

I might be acting cold because I'm scared -