To say that Taeyeon is a wreck is an understatement. It's been 3 months since the whole incident happened, yet she could still imagine Jessica's face when she held her in her arms... seconds after she hit the cold, hard ground. There was no single day and there was no single night that she wouldn't dream of her.

"Taeyeon, dinner is ready." Yoona called out and peeped from the door.

"You and Yuri can go ahead without me. I'll just eat later."

"You've been saying that for the past weeks but you won't actually eat." Yoona pouted.

"I'm not hungry, Yoona."

"Just come down whenever you feel hungry, okay? Or better yet, just yell my name or Yuri's name. Or if you're too tired to yell, you can text or call me if you want something to-"

"It's okay, Yoona. Thank you for offering but I'm not hungry." Yoona sighed and closed the door. It's been this way for the last three months. She would visit Taeyeon in her room and call her whenever it's time to eat, but the latter would always reply that she's not yet hungry, or that she has already eaten, even if she clearly hasn't eaten anything for the whole day. Sometimes Yoona would sneakily leave candy bars or fruits on her bedside table, just in case she really does feel hungry and thankfully, she would eat it when she's gone.

Because of that, she noticed that her cousin has become tired, restless, even irritable at times.

They would tell her to go out her room for she will grow weak if she stays inside her room all the time, and sometimes she would obey and sit on the couch and watch TV, but she isn't really paying attention. Her eyes are glued to the TV but her mind is somewhere else. She also lost a lot of weight, due to frequent skipping of meals. Sometimes, they would even hear her whimper and cry Jessica's name in her sleep. But despite these, she never cried in front of them.

-

"Taeyeon-ah, it's dinner time! I brought your food all the way up here so you won't have to go down" Yuri tried to sound very energetic in hopes that she'll be able to persuade Taeyeon to eat.

"I'm not hungry, Yuri." The girl answered without sparing her a glance. She's lying on her bed, facing sideways, staring at nothing in particular.

"Taeyeon, you've been in this room for God knows how long and you haven't left the house even once since the whole thing happened. Mom, Dad,... even Tiffany told us that she's been calling you to ask you how you are but it's either you won't pick up or your number cannot be reached. We're worried." Yuri noticed Taeyeon's phone with the charger next to it. The battery life of Taeyeon's phone was only at 4%. She decided to charge it for her so she placed the tray on the table first. 

"Look at those big and black bags you have under your eyes. Your eyes are so red you look ike you're into drugs because of excessive crying. It hurts us, Taeyeon. What can we do?"

"Nothing, Yuri. You can't do anything."

"Taeyeon, you can't stay like this forever." Yuri said with a serious expression. She decided to call her by her first name to emphasize the things she's saying. "I know it hurts a lot, but I think you should-"

"No." Taeyeon laid on her back and looked at Yuri for the first time since she entered the room. "I know what you're planning to say but no, I won't."

Yuri creased her brows for a couple of seconds before she relaxed. "No, that's not what I'm talking about. I j-just mean that you should at least talk to us about it. Don't bottle it all up inside you. Cry, scream, or whatever. Just don't keep all your emotions inside of you."

"All for what? For you to tell me to stop crying in the end?" Taeyeon slowly sat up. "Why? If I cried or screamed my heart out, will Jessica come back to me? Will she, Yuri? Will she??"

Yuri knew she couldn't answer her question so she sighed before she continued. "We will listen to you, Taeng."

"And then what? You guys will tell me to get over it and move on?"

"It's more dangerous and unhealthy to bottle it all up inside you. If you release it, at least it will make you feel better. And after a few more weeks, maybe everything will be alright."

"Everything will be alright?" Taeyeon removed the blanket covering her legs to lean forward. She closed her eyes and began to clutch the sheets. Yuri witnessed it and started to get worried. "Everything will be alright? Yuri, are you freaking serious?!" Yuri was taken aback by her best friend's outburst that she failed to come up with an answer.

"Are you even sure that you know how I feel, Yuri-ah? Do you know how it feels?!" Taeyeon stood up and walked towards her, her eyes piercing through Yuri's soul, and the name of endearment,Yul, long forgotten. "How would you feel when you made your lover cry minutes before she was hit by a truck, brought to the hospital, lost a lot of blood, and then disappeared just like that? I don't even know where she is!" Taeyeon bowed her head.

"You're telling me that everything will be alright? No! 'cause everything is wrong and messed up! And to top it all off... I-I don't even know if she's dead or alive." This time, Taeyeon failed to control her tears to fall. It was the first time she ever cried in front of other people since that day. Yuri witnessed the scene before her and she didn't know how she should react. She finally succeeded in making Taeyeon release her feelings, but at the same time, she tried to approach the crying girl to comfort her.

"Taeng..."

Taeyeon ducked to avoid Yuri's arms then pushed her, enough to get her off-balanced and land on the floor. She grabbed her coat, that was hanging on her door, before she quickly ran out her room.

"Taeng, where are you going?" Yuri shouted and quickly got up, ignoring the pain of her arm.

Yoona was watching a show in the living room when she heard someone dash down the stairs. She tilted her head to see who it was.

"Taeyeon?" The other girl wore her jacket and suddenly stopped to meet her eyes for only a second, but it was enough for her to see her eyes, gleaming with tears. She had a shocked expression, seeing Taeyeon cry after all these months. "Taeyeon, what's-"

"Yoona, stop her!" Yuri dashed down the stairs, her hand still holding her right arm. Taeyeon remembered what she was supposed to do and bolted out the front door.

"Unnie!" Yoona called out.

"Don't look for me!" The short girl shouted as she ran out. "I'll be back soon." She added, but it was more of a message for herself. 

She ran and ran, relying on her feet to take her to a place where she could vent her emotions out. After several minutes of running, her feet stopped, and she panted to catch her breath. When she looked up, a surge of memories flooded back her mind. She approached nearer the pond and sat down before it. And there, in the absence of her friends, she let herself loose and finally, let her tears flow freely.

Yes. She's at the park. The same park they went to the day they made up, the day before Jessica's birthday. She could still remember how Jessica's head felt on her shoulder while watching the sunset, and the conversation they had.

"Taeyeon, can I ask you something?

"What is it?"

"What will you do if someone likes you, but you like someone else?"

"Follow your heart. You can't teach your heart who to love.... same as with your dreams, if you want something, you should fight for it... you should go and get it. If you won't fight for it, you will never have it."

"All right. I'll remember that."

Taeyeon wanted to beat herself up for being an idiot, for ignoring Jessica, for hurting her, for being a dense fool. 

"As long as I'm here, you'll never be alone, Taeyeon. I promise." Jessica's voice rang inside her ears, remembering the words Jessica told her.

"You promised me, right?... You told me you won't leave me alone."

"I told you that I didn't want to hope.. but you told me not to be scared 'cause no matter what happens, you'll keep your promise." Taeyeon took a deep breath as her tears, which were held back after several months, are now forcing their way out.

"I should've stopped you from saying that P word." 

The night was getting colder. Thankfully, Taeyeon had worn her coat. However, she wasn't able to wear any gloves. She placed her hands inside her jacket's pockets to keep them warm, but she felt something like a piece of paper in her right pocket. She took it out. Taeyeon wondered when she ever picked up the habit of making notes and placing them in her coat. She didn't remember that she placed something like this in her pocket. She decided to just open it to satisfy her curiosity.

*****

Taengoo-yah,

I returned your jacket earlier but you placed it on me again so I forgot that it was on me until I reached home.

I know not eve