I tucked Eunjung further into my arms and yawned. The summer sun was blaring through the window and it was making me sleepy. I glanced down at the girl in my arms and smiled. She fell asleep ages ago. I decided to shut my eyes once again but snapped them open when there was a knock on my door.

Gently, I manoeuvred Eunjung onto the couch and arranged a few pillows around her to prevent her from rolling to the ground. As I stood up, I stretched my arms above my head. Once again, I yawned and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

I looked through the peephole and noticed that there was a mail man on the other side of the door, holding a parcel.

I signed for it and shut the door. Curiosity got the better of me as I shook the box. It made a soft noise as I shook it. Carefully, I ripped the brown wrapper that was concealing the actual box inside. Without wasting any time, I lifted the lid. Inside the box was a doll. My hand was shaking as I held the doll gingerly in my hand.

She lay limply in my hand like a dead squirrel swung by one arm. One eye stayed closed while the other eye lazily winked, flashing the scratched hazel iris beneath. It’s hair had been roughly trimmed with a child’s blunt scissors to give an irregular looking mop of a coffee brown colour. If the doll had ever had clothes, it had been gone for some time. The once white fabric body that had plastic limbs and head attached had become a dirty grey stained with yellow patches.

Shivering in terror, I leaned forward to peer inside the doll’s cranium. The inverted contours of the cheeks and chin showed dimly, light glittered between the parted lips with her teeth a black, animal silhouette. Above all, were her eyes that were speared by a wire rod that cruelly pierced her head. Blood appeared to be rushing out from the doll’s wound. The colour itself was surprising, people expected blood to look red, but in reality it was a dark colour, with maroon shades around the edges. The vile smell travelled up my nostrils.

It was then I realized that there was a white coat (which appeared like a doctor’s lab coat to me). Immediately, I assumed that it belonged to the doll. Dark red blood decorated the coat.

Strangely, the doll looked a lot like me. 

To me, blood was no more interesting than any other mess that needed cleaning. Every day it coated my sterile gloves and sometimes a spurt would catch my disposable gown, but I neither noticed or cared for its smell. It was so ubiquitous and to me no more significant than the smell of the roses in the hospital gardens or the undertone of bleach that was ever-present. But as I sat on the couch, staring blankly at the doll in my hand I felt an ominous feeling creeping slowly into my mind.

Frantically, I rummaged through the contents of the bow and realised that there was a letter. Without realising, my fingers were shaking slightly as I picked up the letter. Taking a deep breath, I peeled it open. Scrawled across the paper were angry red letters. I felt tears forming in my eyes.

What had I gotten myself into?

…

I felt like I was dying as the words in the letter hit me in waves, throwing me against jagged rocks as I struggled helplessly. The rude words the author used echoed in my mind, bouncing against the walls of my skull endlessly, where I cannot escape it. The writer was throwing words at me but they felt like daggers, stabbing me with every syllable. I felt like I was dying a slow and painful death, drawn out for so long that I could only yearn for that sweet peace that death may offer. But there was no foreseeable end to this pain because every time I thought I might finally die, I just kept on living because of my loved ones.

“Eunjung ah, don’t get involved with a celebrity when you’re older,” I whispered into her hair.

I could feel her head nodding to my words against my shoulder as I tried my best to suppress the sniffles.

I choked down a sob as I rocked her gently, “I…I won’t leave you. Mommy will protect. You. Forever.” The broken sentences her mom used made her heart clenched in her chest.

“Mommy,” Eunjung tightened her hold on my neck. The comforting smell of her baby shampoo helped to calm me down a little.

My mind couldn’t help but to drift to other undesirable thoughts.

The dark red blood made its way out of my body. It oozed between the space between my fingers. My vision became blurrier as my red shirt turned darker and all I could see was the scarlet blood that once flowed in my veins. Each drop of blood slowly took away the life in me, leaving me pale and weak, yet defying death. I felt faint, as numbness took control. I gathered the energy to look down, to look at the wound. The glass shard had pierced into my intestines, and blood oozed from the infliction. I noticed that blood was a glossy dark red, perhaps even maroon. I inhaled the strong, iron scent, savouring its distinct metallic taste. I stared at the blood that splattered all over the glass, forming pretty splashes and patterns. A beautiful death, I thought as I ran my hand down my abdomen, dipping into the thick liquid. I closed my eyes and trailed my blood-wetted fingers over my eyelids. My final mark. Because now I could think of only one thing - when the last drop of blood carried away the last bit of life left in me, I could finally be less of a burden.

“Jagi,” The familiar voice broke my thoughts. “Where are – Oh there you are!”

I rubbed the tears with my sleeve and inhaled deeply.”Hmm.”

He gave me a slight grin and pecked my cheek “Let daddy tuck Eunjung in.”

His daughter shook her head and refused to release her grip from around my neck. “See, she likes me more.”

“Ha. Who was she wailing for a few days ago?” He scoffed, his volume suddenly dropping. “Your eyes are a bit puffy.”

I glanced ta him out of my peripheral. “Well, not really.”

JongIn quirked up an eyebrow at me, “Sounds like you’re lying.”

I blinked and looked away from him. He always said my eyes gave me away. If he looked now, he’d know I really was lying.

“I am here if you need someone to talk to,” He stated. “Your problems are my problems too.”

I felt a blush cover my cheeks. He laughed and hooked my chin with his finger. “I love you.”

My heart broke into pieces when I heard those three words. He cared about me a lot. Cared too much.

He wouldn’t say it if he knew what I had been doing to myself.

…

“Yah. Are you really going to wear that all day?” Soo Eun asked.

I glanced down at the long sleeved shirt I was wearing. “Yeah,why?”

She stared at me, “It’s the middle of summer. DO you really want me to believe you’re comfortable wearing that?”

I laughed softly. “”But it is comfortable. My place is air conditioned anyway.”

“Whatever suits you,” She chuckled. “Can I borrow your haematology book?”

I pointed at the study room at the end of the hallway. “You know where it is.”

Soo Eun nodded and walked toward the room. Row after row of neatly lined up books with their spines facing outward; colour coded with dots greeted the young doctor. She glanced at the books on the shelf. Her finger traced the spine of the books as her eyes tracked down the medical books that she was searching for. As her eyes did the work, her gaze fell upon a box that was hastily hidden in the corner at the bottom of the bookshelf. Soo Eun looked around and made sure no one else was around before she took off the lid from the box.

Her face was slightly pale and was parted.

“Gosh, I’m the worst friend ever.”

I walked back into the study room and saw Soo Eun with the box that I tried to hid from her. “What are you doing?”

My voice was so quiet. She took out a few pieces of paper and flashed the angry contents in front of me. “How long has this been going on?”

I blinked and everted my gaze to the ground. “Not that long.”

She could hear the shiver in my voice. That was a lie.

“It’s been going on for a few months right.” She said. I knew form her voice that it wasn’t a question.

Soo Eun narrowed her eyes at my covered arms and placed the box on my table before standing in front of me.

Her hand lashed out and grabbed my left arm. “Soo Eun! What are you doing?” I exclaimed.

She pulled the sleeve up on my left arm. Her eyes traced the faint lines that crossed  my arm; some were white and fading, other angry and red.

“I fell down,” I explained dumbly.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” She whispered. The tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks and dripped from her chin. She was too sad to cry out or wail, she just stood there as still as a statue while the magnitude of the plight of her best friend took over. Her eyes traced every single cut.

She pushed up the sleeve on my right arm. The same markings littered my right arm.

She frowned, “How long have you been doing this?”

I gazed down at my exposed forearms, “The first letter came a couple of months ago. I was bothered at first. I thought it will go away if I ignore it. After getting them for so long., I just…I mean…I,” I broke off.

Soo Eun took a step closer to me and enveloped me into a warm hug. “I am so sorry I took so long to find out.”

I felt my eyes go wide before tears started to stream out. “I’m scared, Soo Eun. I don’t know what to do.” Slowly, I wrapped my arms around my best friend.

Memories were the soul torturer of me. 

I couldn't escape them, or hide from them; they were the worst kind of monster. 

I was scared of what the letters might mean for me, all the words that seemed to never escape me. They were pin point needles, piercing my skin. I couldn't scream or fight back, I had to just endure the pain as the picture of the doll flashed through my mind. 

I had experienced pain before. 

But nothing amounted to this. 

I could neither hide or run or fight them. The threats were indeed my worst enemy and the thing that would most likely destroy me.

We hugged for a while. Cautiously, Soo Eun patted my shoulder gently and I released from her hug. Her eyes connected with mine. “Does JongIn know about his?”

I bit my bottom lip and shook my head.

“You have to tell him. This is really serious!” Soo Eun voiced her opinion and rubbed the back of my hand with her thumb.

“I can’t.”

“You’re seeing that moron tomorrow, right?” The writer of the hate letters I received had a new nickname; ‘that moron’.

My jaw fell open and I stared at her. “H-how do you know?”

She poked my forehead lightly, “You can never hide anything from the awesome Choi Soo Eun,” My best friend purposely stressed the word ‘awesome’.

She smiled slightly once she noticed that I was smiling again.

I laughed. “But I changed my password a few days ago.”

“I’m just too smart, that’s why,” She bragged and flipped her hair to the back.

I rolled my eyes and nodded lightly.

“I want you to be strong for me. For you. Especially your family. I’ll give that bonehead a piece of my mind,” She said. “No more of this.”

I knew she was talking about the cutting.

“Promise me you’ll stop this,” She said.

I looked up into her eyes. Soo Eun’s gaze was unwavering but extremely concerned for me. I swallowed down a sob that wanted to escape. “Only if you’re with me.”

“Stupid,” She knocked my forehead with her knuckle. “Isn’t that what I have been doing for 23 years?”

 I giggled.

Soo Eun ah, thank you for standing by my side when times get hard. Thank you for making me laugh when I didn’t even want to smile.

“Gelato, ----?”

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WOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo another update !~

Last update before I start school on Monday ^^