I bent to button up my son's shirt. It was blue checked with orange, a favourite of them both. When I got to the second button I was flooded by a feeling of danger. My fingers and face froze. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. There was no danger, just a simple bike ride to the park. "Come, let's go," I smiled, pushing the intrusive thought away.

The bonsai trees lined the perfect lawn in their wooden boxes. In the centre there was a pond as large as a small lake with flowering lily pads and a wooden bridge that crossed the middle so you could look down at the koi carp. There were even a few ducks in sight. I took in the calming and fresh air. The flower beds were a riot of May colour and even on close inspection they were weed-free.

The flower that had been a tight bud only days ago had begun to open. Within a few days it was already a deeper blush of pink. The winter should still be in force but already spring had pushed it back to moderate temperatures and the kind of gentle breeze you don't notice unless you stop and be present in the moment. I stretched out my fingers to touch the silky pink petals; they were cooler than I'd expected, smoother too. I tried to will it to open faster, to see the beauty I knew was inside. But nature has its way, its timing, and she wasn't ready yet. A few more days of warmth and it would bloom, I just had to wait.

“Do you want to feed the duckies?” The boy nodded enthusiastically as he pulled me towards the pond.

He threw his head back and giggled like only a young child could. It was that infectious kind of laugh that lights up adults – like an echo of the children they once were. On the surface of the pond there was a duck, white with the most orange bill I ever saw, dipping its head in the water and shaking it. The drops fly outward, landing in the almost ripple-free water to make tiny waves that move outward in ever growing circles. The boy clapped before digging his hands into the bread crumb bag and throwing it as far as he could, which wasn’t that far actually. The duck quacked and swam in, his wake stretching behind in a classic v-shape. It waddled out following the trail and now I had to restrain the pre-schooler as he dove forward to greet it. The duck raised its head, moving it side to side, deciding if the treat was worth the danger. I dragged him back a few paces and the duck went back to the bread, eating it in the same way the toddler approached spaghetti.

 “Mommy, I want to ride my bike.”

I nodded in agreement as I walked behind him. Time flew so fast. When I was a teenager, no one in school expected me to become a mother to a healthy boy before I was even out of medical school. They didn’t even think that I would get into a relationship with EXO’s Kai. Not just any boy with that name. I meant the Kai. His best friend; Lee Taemin from SHINee? Yeap, that one.

“Mommy will go get us some ice cream.”

“Yay! Thank you mommy!” He cheered and planted a kiss on my outstretched hand. I giggled softly at his cute actions.

I paid the man in the truck the few dollars he asked for and in return he gave me a packaged cold treat. I grinned and thanked him before I turned away. I glanced down at the ground and my eyes widened. I looked around the area I was in.

The item in my hand fell to the ground and I clutched at my head.

I began shouting out for my son’s name. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. There was an uncomfortable feeling at the pit of stomach.

I called out his name once more. Panic seized me as I felt my voice was on the verge of yelling.

My heart began to beat frantically. My brain was screaming to go back and look around the whole park for him but my feet kept going forwards, breaking to an almost-run. The cool spring air was beginning to feel unexpectedly warm.

It was only minutes later that his bike swerved unexpectedly into the usually busy road.

I woke up dripping sweat and placed a hand over my heart, willing it to slow down.

I looked over to see Kai sleeping peacefully next to me.

“Oh, thank goodness it was just a nightmare,” I whispered to myself. But it was such a vivid dream. Gosh, I’m going to become a bad mother. I closed my eyes and saw the depressing subject of my dream again. I opened them quickly and felt tears prick the corners of my eyes.

At that thought, my hand flew to my bulging stomach. Slowly and gently, I began to rub circles on my protruding belly. Without realising, the pearl shaped tears rolled down my cheeks from wide luminous eyes.

“What if I’m not good enough for our baby?”

My husband’s eyes slowly opened.

“I thought I heard you.”

His eyes travelled to my face, and his brows creased in worry.

“I’m okay.”

I didn’t want to go back to sleep now. I was too scared.

“Uh huh,” he replied, “Look into my eyes and say that nothing’s wrong.”

I did as he said and looked into his hazel brown eyes that were staring back at me attentively. All this while, I thought that I could keep it to myself. That was the bad part. He knew my actions inside out and there was no possible way of weaselling myself out of situations with him. Once he knew something was up, he would get me to let everything out.

A few moments of silence pass and I looked into his eyes.

“What are you hiding from me, Kim ----?”

“I’m not hiding anything,” I pointed out quietly, “I just haven’t told you yet is all.”

He opened his arms as an invitation and I gladly accepted. I snuggled into him and he made a soothing circular motion with his fingers. One of his hands rubbed soothing circles on my belly.

“Why are you awake?”

I slightly stiffened as I remembered the nightmare. “I just felt like waking up in the middle of the night … “ I didn’t even sound that convincing.

“Did you have a bad dream?” He asked, ignoring my bad attempt to cover up.

He moved his head, so he can look at me directly. “Or do you not want to talk about it.”

“It was nothing really.”

Kai looked at me, a little confused. “Are you sure?”

I nodded and closed my eyes. My head fitted perfectly into the crook of his neck and my hands pressed up against his chest. However, my protruding belly prevented the both of us from snuggling very close to each other.

“I’m not normally like t-this. It was just … tonight.”

He sighed and sits up on one of his elbows.

“No, you’re like this almost every other night. Tell me, what was your nightmare about?”

When did he get so observant?

I shook my head. “No.”

Lifting my chin with his hand, I’m forced to look into his eyes.

“Kim ----. Tell me.”

I had an internal debate whether or not I should tell him. But as I noticed the look in his eyes, I realized I had no choice. His gaze was burning into the depths of my soul.

“I … killed baby.”

The words hung in the air before Kai fully understood what I meant.

He pulled me into his arms once again, and held me tightly to his chest. I wrapped my arms around him in return.

“Stupid,” he muttered in my hair.

“Oppa, I’m scared,” My words were desperate and it pained him to see me like that.

Kai pressed his lips to my forehead. “I’ll sing you a lullaby, okay?”

His voice was still husky from sleep but it was music to my ears.

Closing my eyes tightly, I tried to fall asleep.

You have to be at your strongest when you are at your weakest.