Tina's P.O.V

 

If you have ever thought for once in your life what can hurt you the most, your answer is most likely a needle. I'm just kidding. It can't, but it can at the same time. 

I'm trying to be funny, cheerful at the same time, but it feels like I'm trying to be someone who I'm really not. I don't wanna be this way. I don't like the "me" right now. 

You know what's really funny about me? It's that I kissed Mean, and somehow I feel relieved that I did kiss her. I know it's not the right thing to do considering the fact that I only treat her as a sister, and I've been extremely nice to her because I was the one who made her lost her memories.

But something it tells me that it's not the only reason. 

I kissed Mean; it's not because I thought she was Aom; it's not because I thought she was the last option for me, but it's because I've come to realize that she's always been there for me when no one else could. After all this time that you've heard my story, but you've never heard this side of the story. 

From the very moment that I kissed Mean, I felt something was sparkling, but it just wasn't any butterflies. When I kissed Aom, I knew she was the one. When I kissed Mean, I know that it was my desire, but I couldn't help but felt that something was missing. 

"You're not serious about it, right?" P'Air is having another talk with me about my journey abroad. 

So, I've been applying my name to one university in England and I don't know if I can get an acceptance or not, but I just have to leave. 

When Aom's dad came to talk to me that day, it wasn't exactly because of him who made me wanted to leave. It has to do with another person, and you all know who it is. 

The only person who I could have spent my entire life with can also make me spend my entire life running away from her. And to be honest, I can't spend another second looking right through her eyes like I used to before.

I've totally kept this in my mind all the time that I am now officially dating Mean (go figure that), and the fact that I've already broken up with Aom, and finally, the fact that her father doesn't want me to stay in her life. 

You know, I don't blame him at all, but I just get this feeling that he's lack at understanding. Don't get me wrong, I mean I still respect him as I always do, but at least, he should exercise how to be selfless. 

So, with all of these reasons, I've made my mind that I should leave her for good. I still wanna visit my parents regularly every time I have my school break, but I just don't wanna be here anymore. I talked to my mom, first all all, and she totally agreed without a question. Then I went to my dad, who generously helped me applying my name to England. I've gotta be honest, I owe my family a lot.

My parents are totally generous to me; they agreed to let me go without any questions, but there's this thing that I know, P'Air must have told them about Aom and me. 

The day that I broke up with Aom was the worst day of my life. Yet, I found another ray of light right after it. I could see how much Mean cared of me. I could know that P'Air wouldn't let me go on my own without any proper explanation. My mother would let me stay alone as long as I favor (she usually asks you quesitons if she reckons that you're in mood to talk), and my father would hide himself in his studies so that I wouldn't get any pressure trying to behave myself in front of him. 

My family totally loves me for who I am. 

"Why is it have to be a problem?" I ask P'Air back. 

"I'm just saying that you broke up with Aom because of her and now you're taking her to England with you. What exactly are you thinking?" she blurts out. 

"She's my girlfriend." I shrug. 

P'Air rolls her eyes just before she leans down to smell her flowers at the garden. 

"You don't even love her." then she picks one flower up.

"But I like her." 

P'Air simply smiles this time. 

"T, can you see all the flowers that I've planted on this garden? I like all of them. I really do." Then she leans down again to pick up the white rose. "But this white rose is the only rose that I love." She smiles again and smells the rose. 

"Hmm." I don't know what to say. 

"Just like you. You may like as many girls as you may, but the only one you love still remains the same. And you know the answer." 

"I don't wanna get hurt anymore."

"I know... but listen to your heart sometimes because it tells the right things too." 

"I've made up my mind, P'Air. I'm not going to get myself involved with her again. She hates me now, and her father doesn't even want my presence in front of his family again. Why are you trying to match me with her again?"

P'Air looks sad for a moment. 

"Probably you getting into this is my fault, T. I was kinda hoping that you guys would turn out well just like the way my girlfriend and I do. But who knows how this can happen? But I'm not trying to match you with her, Tina. I'm trying to tell you what your heart tries to tell you. Sometimes you can't hear it. That's why I'm acting instead of it." 

I stare down at the remaining white roses and think why of all a sudden, my whole life has been tangled like that? 

"Don't blame yourself, P'Air. I'm just falling for a right person at the wrong time. It feels so right to be with her, but the circumstances feel so wrong. I don't know how I can put this into words, but I'm always grateful that I have you as my sister, and I'm not going to let you forget that." Tina smiles. 

P'Air looks so overwhelmed when she hears all of this stuff. 

"Promise me you'll talk to me everyday when you get there?"

"Of course! With Facebook, Line, Whatsapp, Skype, FaceTime, and other social apps, why would I miss a single chance talking to you?" 

With that, I know I can promise to do so. 

---

Author's P.O.V

 

Mean is starring down from her window, which has a full view of the garden outside of the house. Of course, she wants to know what Tina and Air have been talking about, but she can't seem to join the conversation because it is very intruding if she does so. Instead, all she can do is wonder about their conversation. 

What if they find out that her memories are back?

What if Air talks Tina out of her?

What if Tina still wants Aom to be in her life after Tina has told Mean that they can work their relationship out?

No, this can't be happening, and it is not going to happen. 

Tina is a person with her own words, and she's not going to go back to Aom, for that Mean is sure about.

For all the past experience, Tina might be a playfull and cheerful person, but she respects her own decisions. If she finally decides what is best for her, no one can stop her unless she stops herself. 

With that, Mean smiles to herself again. It's not because she thinks Tina knows the truth, it's because Tina will keep going on with her even if she finds out the truth that Mean has her memories back. She thinks to herself of how she gets the memories back.

It was just a few weeks ago that I finally got my memories back. Well, I'd always been on my process on getting it back. I got it little by little, then I put all the pieces together then I knew I was back to myself again. 

I'd been recieving all these memories ever since a few days after I left the hospital. I remember I had a family, but I just didn't know who they really were until I saw her face. Tina's. 

I knew I had a connection with her when I woke up in the hospital, but I couldn't really tell what it really was until she took me home. She took me everywhere that she thought it would help, and it did. 

But the memories weren't good to remember. It didn't help me to feel better just to find myself back. 

It was a painful memory.

She took me to the garden and sat nearby the pool just to bring me back to the memory where I first met Aom, and where I first saw them flirting. 

She took me to the kitchen where she denied that fact that I was in love with her. 

She took me to the music room where she told me that she and I could never happen. 

She took me back to my room where I spent most of time in there crying because of her. 

But the only memory which was nice to me was in her bedroom where I knew she could belong to me, and now she does. 

I remember how her lips touched mine softly that I almost forgot to breathe and I still want to feel it now. I still remember her scent when she leaned so close to me. I still remember her warm breath touching my face as she was looking at my face. And of course, I still remember that very first real kiss. I somehow wish that should have been our first kiss together. 

When she leaned back from our kiss, she whispered in my ears that she finally liked me and she wanted to try out the relationship between us two. And I agreed without any second thoughts. And that was the best memory I've ever had. 

I know it was so selfish of me by knowing that she only got to me because she was finally over with Aom, but I couldn't help the feeling of wanting her in my life.

I don't want anything else but her. I did what I could just to have her back. I tried to fake myself as if my memories hadn't come back just for the sake of having her nearby, and I really did. She spent all of her time with me until she didn't have enough time to spend with Aom. I know I was the reason of their break up, but Tina is now finally mine. I'm going to do whatever it takes to have her with me. Forever.

 

Mean is running back her thoughts and it is actually the first time ever since she knew Aom that she is finally alive again. She has no worries. No matter how much anybody tries to talk Tina out of her, Tina will never ever change her mind. That little kiss was the seal and she will not allow anybody else to break it.

However, there's a small possibility that it can be broken. Aom. 

She knows that the kiss that Tina gave her was just a rebound and clearly, her head was all about Aom when Tina kissed her. It hurts but it can never hurt like the thought of Tina leaving her. Call her crazy but it is just the way it has to be.

"What are you doing?" Tina asks just as she's entering the room.

Normally, Tina will knock the door first just in case Mean does not welcome anyone into her room. But now, there's no point for her to knock anymore. Mean will always welcome her in. Strangely enough, she feels uncomfortable with that. 

"Just thinking." Mean whispers just as she's running into Tina's arms. 

It's strange for Tina to hear out that Mean is actually thinking because ever since Mean lost her memories, she hasn't put herself much into thinking. No one pressures her to do so because the thing that everybody wants her to remember is nothing but pain. 

Surely, everybody in the house knows that. But nobody knows about Mean's little secret. 

"What were you thinking about?" Tina asks again just again when they're breaking their little hug. 

Fairly enough, Mean's a fast thinker and she knows how to solve her own problems right on time. She's always a person with reasons. And yes, not all reasons are right but they're still reasons. 

"Ah, you know. Just this and that. I was admiring the pool when I saw you and P'Air came and sat by." 

Tina breaks into a little smile and Mean knows that she's safe now. She can't risk telling Tina that she was thinking about their future together with Mean hiding all the dark secrets. If Mean has to be honest, she will lose Tina. If Mean hides the secret forever, there's a good chance that Tina will always remain by her side forever. It's always risky, but it's worth a try. 

"About that, can you please sit down? I have something to tell you." 

Now, that's not good. It's really not good. Call her a stupid believer or something. But she gets a bad feeling that Tina might wanna tell her something that she doesn't need to hear. Or even know. 

Still, she sits down. And Tina follows. 

"I have two things to tell you, Mean, and I think they are important for you to know. It wouldn't be fair for you if I didn't let you know and it woudln't be fair for anybody." She sighs and Mean tries to shake her head off. 

"Please hear me out." Tina places Mean's face in between her hands. If it's in other time, Mean would have been happy about it. But not now. She feels weird.

"Okay." Mean nods slowly and Tina finds herself relaxed a little. At least she doesn't have to force someone into listening. It's not professional. 

"I love you, Mean. I'm sorry for not being able to tell you which love I am offering to you, but I love you. I have always loved you ever since we were kids. I took care of you and I wanted nothing but the best for you. But what happened to you was never fair for you. If it wasn't me, you wouldn't have been in this condition. Your memories involve me, Mean. It's too much for you to remember. 

"I was absolutely selfish for allowing myself to kiss you, Mean. I'm a terrible person." Tina shakes her head and Mean feels worse and worse about the condition. She just wishes Tina would stop so that she can go straight into her arms and tell her everything is alright. But not yet. She can't. 

"Don't say that..." Mean couldn't find her voice but a whisper. It's almost an air. 

"I do, Mean. I do. Aom caused me a terrible heartache, and I'm not even blaming her for that. It's always been me who mess all these things up." Tina takes a deep breath. "I've decided to leave only because I want to have a better education. It's nothing better than that!" 

"It's Aom! It's always been Aom! You chose to leave only because you're avoiding her! Why do you even have to do that?" 

Then it hits Tina like a slap on the face. The very same expression that Mean had before her accident came back and it sounds like the real Mean is coming back.

"You remember, don't you? You have your memories back?" Tina is choked because she's always thought Mean has been nothing but innocent. It's just her all along who messes the two women's heads. 

"Yes!" Mean pratically shouts because she no longer can hold what's beein going on with her brain. "Don't you get it? I pretend I lost my memory just so you can squeeze me into your so-called busy schedule. You spend almost every breathing hour with Aom while I'm the one who you're supposed to be with! What I had before was the same and now it's the same!" 

Tina shakes her head a disbelief. Her decision to go to London is now crystal clear. She has made a right choice to leave rather than staying here with a lunatic. 

"You know what? I've never had any regrets in my life or whatever good deeds I do to people because I always think everyone should care for anyone. What I intend to do to them is purely from my heart and I never want anyone to fall in love with me and that includes you. Whatever I did to you, it has always been a must. Like a sister must her sister. And it's only after you do I feel regret. My good deeds are painly destroyed by a sister I adore dearly." She takes a step back from Mean and gives her a glare that could sent the cold feeling to Mean. 

"And what have you done to me so far? You know how much I'm into you and yet you're still running away from me!" 

"That's not the truth! I keep my distance just so you can have your time thinking why I'm thining it's a bad idea. Even if we aren't related by blood, we are still sisters." Tina sighs and continues. "But never mind. I'm just here to tell you I've made up my mind and I'm leaving. Please don't expect me to be home soon." 

With that, Tina leaves without giving any glance back to where Mean is standing. Life, as Tina discovers, is full of surprises. People always fall for the wrong person. Mean is one of them. And yes, Tina is also another.