Tina's P.O.V

 

Not every word is easy to say. Not every word is easy to prove. That's why I leave it all inside me for so long. I've never spoken about it to anyone because it's just something I can never have; why should I even bother it?

When I got into the shop, Aom's parents were chatting about their days and such and they were laughing along with each other which I actually thought that it was sweet. They all looked at me by surprised when I came into the shop and they even asked if I came here for Aom. I told them a yes and they smiled as if they were relieved that I wanted to see their daughter and they even told me that she was asleep. I think I was relieved back then because I finally knew that she didn't really do anything stupid which might have hurt her at all. In fact, she was sleeping like a sleeping pig, huh? So, instead of waking her up immediately, I just thought that I should wait until she woke up so that I could surprise her.

I remembered bringing 2 coupons of a five-star restaurant with me along when I left the house; so, I just took them out of my pocket and gave them eventually. They were suprised again and didn't understand why I gave them that. I told them that they deserved it and I really wished that they would be having a great evening together for only two of them. Aom's dad showed his grateful to me by leaving the house to me and her daughter too and they got themselves ready immediately. I told them to come back late as much as they want since the restaurant provided many pleasant things to do there. Like dancing and stuffs. Sometimes, there are even fireworks.

They got ready and they handed the keys of the house and told me to lock the key when they got away because they were scared for my safety. Finally, they gave me a goodbye kiss and hopped inside the car and drove away.

Just as they left, I happened to hurt my earlier injury by accident when Aom's parents left the house. Just as I was told, I was trying to lock the shop's door by kneeling down my on knees and yes, it bleed again. I found no first-aid box in my car anymore because Aom might have put it inside her bag earlier this morning. Of course, I couldn't find it in the shop as well; so, I decided to go into her room for my first-aid box. 

I had a hard time walking on the stairs since the would kept on bleeding (not much) but it hurt. Nobody actually told me which room was Aom's, but I took a wild guess and yeah, I kinda sensed it that it was the room which was exactly nearby the stairs and I was right. The door wasn't locked and I just got in there.

She was still asleep just as I had expected. Basically, I wasn't even trying to wake her up and she, well, was so lost into her sleep and she didn't even bother to toss and turn at all. It took me a while to finally realize that I was standing by the door way, staring at her sleeping, admiring her inside my head of how much beautiful she was when she was sleeping like that. If I was the ice, I would melt immediately.

Then I had to remind myself that I wanted the first-aid box, not to look at her like that. So, I walked around the room, trying to find her bag which she used this morning. I walked from the door way without shutting the door, crossing the table then a photo of a little girl standing there in a frame on that table caught my eyes immediately. The girl wasn't complicated to remmeber. She was her.

I stood there again, looked at the photo like I was lost like I was looking into Aom's beauty sleep earlier. This couldn't be that. There was that little bracelet that the little girl wore when I first met her, placed on Aom's table, nearby the fame. 

All of a sudden, just as I touched that little bracelet, a thousands of pictures magically appeared inside my head. I remembered the idea of how much I was into that little girl. How much I was clumsy back then. How much I wanted to be a part of that little girl's life. How much I left everything unspoken when that little girl got to leave me when she had to switch the school. I remembered I was waiting for her. Waiting.

Is it really unfaithful that I happen to like a new girl before I even realize that that girl is that little girl? I've been telling myself when I was younger that I would wait for her even it she takes me forever. It would seem that when I grew up, new people kinda distract me but I have never fallen for anyone. Until her.  

I suddenly didn't need that box anymore, though I was a burglar now. I took the photo out of the frame and put it inside my wallet because I have always wanted a photo of her photo.

I ran into the door immediately though shutting the door quietly then went to the downstairs. I sat around in the shop for a while, trying to figure out why this could be happening. How can the girls I have liked are exactly the same person? Of course, it hurt by having to wait for that little girl but it would hurt me more that the matured version of that girl didn't even have an idea of me existing in her earlier time. Aom truly doesn't have any idea of me existing when she was younger. She doesn't even realize I was that cruel who would pick up fights with everyone I met.

To look at the good side of it, is it faith that god brings Aom to me again? If so, does he decide whether he wants me to be with her or not? Or he wants me to wait for her for any few more years? Or he wants me to see her be taken? I just don't know what to do.

I really wanted to let her know that I was that little girl and we were in the same class for years. I wanted her to know that not now that I have pretty much interest in her, but it's been a long time and she would almost forget the old version of me. Or maybe she doesn't even remember?

---

Aom's asleep and she doesn't even say anything about my stupid bed time story. I bet she knows exactly who I am talking about. It's as if it's too fictional but it's true. I didn't expect myself to stay the same for her for this long, but indeed, it's what I feel now. Wanting her that badly. Wanting her to be mine. Wanting her to see the beautiful world with me. Wanting everyone to see me falling in love. Is that even possible?

Here I am, lying so close to her that I can hear her even breathing like a newborn baby. She is younger in her sleep. I would lie here forever just to watch her sleep and stay awake every night just to hear her talks in her dream.

Just as I quit looking at her sleeping, I pull myself out of the bed then an arm hugs me by my belly and that I can't really move out of the bed. Her arm is crossing my belly with her voice murmuring "Don't go". I thought she is awake and I am ready to answer her back that it's getting too late though she's still asleep and I really have no choice but to let her do whatever she wants.

"I'm scared." She's sleepy-talking.

I lie myself next to her again and I let her rest in my arms. I hold her as if I would never see her tomorrow ever again. She's having a bad dream.

"Don't be." I whisper to her back. 

"Tina. Don't go" She whispers again and that shocks me. I thought what she is having is just a bad dream then there's me in there and she can't bear the thoughts of me going away from her. It's stupid that I'm smiling even though I know she's having a nightmare, it at least proves me that she wants me too. Much or not, I still have to find out.

I'm her hair now and her whispering is all gone. I bet she likes it when someone her hair to sleep. I lose myself into a deep thought again now. I'm thinking about a lot of things. 

First of all, it's about the possibilities of me and Aom. I mean, I do love her and there's no doubt about that. I would give her anything. anything. But I would be killing myself if she asked me to walk away from her because I know to myself that I can't bear the thoughts of having to be away from her again. It hurt me enough when I was a little girl that she had to switch the school and I could no longer be with her. 

Another thing is about the proof. Mean is such a big deal to Aom and she just almost gets out of control every time we talk about Mean. I don't know how I can prove to her that Mean is just a sister to me though she still doesn't believe in me. And I can't cut off the relationship with Mean too, right? It's totally stupid.

*ring ring*

My phone is ringing from the pocket and I bet it's gonna be my family because I didn't really tell them in details much when I left the house. 

"Talk to me." I answer my phone at the second ring without bothering to wake Aom up.

"Where are you?" This voice is so familiar; yes, it's Mean's. 

"I'm just out for a while and I'll be-" I couldn't finish the sentence then Mean cuts me off.

"Just tell me exactly where you are." She almost shouts to me and is pretty much annoyed.

I take a deep breath and sigh. "I'm over at Aom's house." 

There's a silence in between our conversation which actually makes me think if the phone is dead but actually it's still alive but she just doesn't talk.

"Mean?" I try to call her name and there's another silence again. She goes like this for a 6 or 7 seconds then finally speaks again.

"Why would you do this to me?" There's a pain laid within her voice and I just go speechless for a while until I find the right words to say again.

Honestly, I don't want to wake Aom just to listen to this creppy conversation between me and Mean that's why I rise up from her bed carefully and walk out of the door. I lift her head back on her pillow and walk out. She's just asleep like a dead pig.

I shut the door behind me and get back on the phone.

I sigh heavily this time and I bet she can hear me.

"Do what?" I act dumb.

"You should think about it, Tina. At this hour and you're at somebody's house?" she raises her voice a little so that I can get the idea that she's not in a good mood."

"What exactly do you wanna talk about? Just tell me." I speak patiently.

"You would rather be staying at HER house instead of yours over at this hour? What if mom and dad -" She emphasizes HER and she even put our parents into the scene and I just have to cut her off.

"First of all, I don't think it's wrong to SLEEP OVER at a friend's house and second of all, if you can, don't put our parents into the play. Even if they knew I wasn't home, they wouldn't be blaming me either because they know it that I am perfectly safe at this house." I emphasize the word of "sleep over" back and hopefully she gets the idea.

"Tina, you know it's wrong to do that. And not only that, do you know how panic I was when you left the house without informing everyone? When I got back from the school, I looked for you everywhere and you were not seen. What is that supposed to mean?" Mean raises her voice back.

"So is that it? You're calling me because you're just worried of me? You know you shouldn't be because I know how to take care of myself, Mean. I'm not a kid and I know what I should do. All I need is now is some space and it would be great if you could just give me it." I don't raise my voice and I just speak calmly though painfully and I know she's also in pain. Somehow, I feel like she should know it. It's not just her and I anymore. I told Aom that I would try to  prove whatever it takes for her to believe me and I have to do it, starts from here.

There's another silence on the phone and she might be trying to find the right words to talk to me back.

"Are you trying to tell me that you're so into her and you totally like that you start to ignore me?" There. I know this will come.

"Mean, we're adults and you know this is going to happen eventually when you first saw me with Aom." I sigh.

"Yes, I knew it was going to happen but then I didn't because I was stupid that I believed in your lies which I knew that you were trying to make it sound like real. " then she sighs and continues "Whatever, I'm tired. I'll just end it here." Then she shuts down her phone. Of course, she's tired because she's upset. I know that a part of me definitely aches to go back home and comforts her and tells her that everything is okay and such. Though another part of me tells me to stay here and lets her adapt to whatever it is coming ahead. I choose Aom, and I know that. Mean's important but Aom is also important to me. How can I comfort two important people at the same time. How?

I stand there a while, thinking what I should do. Why does it have to be so complicated? I don't even try and yet, I get that feeling from Mean. Oh lord! What's happening?\

I put my phone back into my pocket and get back into the room where I left Aom alone a while ago. Everything in the room stays the same except one thing, its owner is sitting there, wide awake.

I shut the door behind me then smile to her patiently. "You're awake?" that's all I could bring myself to ask her since I am still thinking about the conversation with Mean earlier.

"Yep." She smiles back and it doesn't feel any awkward at all with Aom. I feel like I"m the happiest person ever by staying in a room with her alone.

Then I come down to her bed and sit at the edge of it.

"Tina?" she calls me and I turn to her immediately.

"Yeah?" I reply then she hesitates a little while then finally says it. "Can you come and sit next to me?" it's actually the first time that she has ever asked me to do such a thing like this. She never and ever asks me to sit next to her and at the moment of speaking, I am totally in shock. Then I try to restraint myself back and go back to sit where I did 10 minutes ago.

She moves a little so that I can have enough space to sit beside her and I lay my legs on the bed while she, is sitting so close to me that our skin touches each other. We sit there without talking again then I can feel like a head is resting on my shoulder. Indeed, it is hers.

"Will you stay tonight?" She whispers.

"I can stay here as long as you want though your parents might not want me here until dawn." I rest my head on hers.

I can hear her giggles and I swear, it's the only sound that I love the most then she speaks. "No, Tina, really. They really really like you. And I'm sure they will never open that door when they arrive because they know you'll be asleep with me." then she giggles again.

I laugh too then get ourselves into this converstation again. "Why do you suddenly want me to stay?" 

"Because there are things I want us to settle before I let anything else happens." she sighs but doesn't move her head out of my shoulder. She's still resting them at the same position.

"Which are?" I ask silently and yes, she turns away from my shoulder though she's focusing on my face as I turn my eyes to meet hers.

"That little cruel girl is you and the girl she fell in love with is me, is that right?" she doesn't laugh, doesn't smile, but is being serious as well.

I nod then she sighs in a relief. "You don't know how much you have tortured me." I whisper then she laughs. "It's not that bad, right, Tina? I'm sorry that I didn't notice you back then." she smiles and giggles.

"Do you still want to declare it again that you love me?" she continues and puts her head on my shoulder again. I find this question hard to answer that I have to swallow.

"If you love me, you'll have to say it out loud. If not tonight, then someday in the future. It's gonna happen eventually. Why not now?" she continues again.

"Aom, I loved you. I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you and you know that. Some words that are sometimes not said but you always know." then I grab her hand though she doesn't slip away. Instead, she my hand as well.

"I know." 

"You know?" 

"I don't know why and I told you before that I didn't like tomboys. Actually, I didn't really like you at the first start of our meeting. But then, I feel like you have that little power to hold me to you. Every time you do something, I can't resist of not watching you. I have always looked at you and you're not watching. Whispering that everything's gonna be okay when you're not listening." she sighs then hugs me.

"Then why are you telling me now?" 

"Because I don't want you to feel like you're in this alone. This is our journey and we're all trying together. I'm also in this and so are you."

"Then can you say you love me?"

She giggles then says. "No, not yet."