Tina's P.O.V

 

"So.... How was I like before I lost everything?" Mean, of course, just keeps asking me the same question whenever I try to spend my time. 

I really feel bad for everything. Not just for Mean, but for all the things that I have done. I don't know how I should really feel but while I'm trying to make everything right, everything seems wrong to me instead. When I try to do whatever it takes to have everything, I lose everything. 

I, as a normal person, have never wanted anything more than happiness, but happiness seems hard to obtain. Most people would feel proud of themselves when there are many people hitting on them, but I wouldn't do so. Like I said, I am a normal person, I don't need attention, I don't need anything more than my family being happy, and the person I love is happy with the sight of me. Though the question is, "How"?

Basically, most of my wishes are never granted. And if they are ever granted, then God will somehow find another reason to ruin them later. As simple as an lucky person can be. I want to wake myself up in the morning knowing that nothing bad can ever happen to me. I just want to live peacefully sometimes, but you know, things are as hard as they can be. There are many things I can face each day, and challenges are also included. My dad doesn't let me handle his business even if he wants me so badly to be in his company, but he seems to realize that if he does so, then I will lose my conentration on my studies. So instead, he just lets me do whatever I want during this time. You might be laughing that I wouldn't have anything to be stressed about, but in fact, there is. 

I don't care about what students in my school think about me, whether they're hitting on me, or whether they're my haters, but I just don't care. The person that I care the most just doesn't care about me. 

I've tried and tried and tried to balance everything, but really, there's no such thing as balance because everything is always biased. You might think balance exists, but it only exists in the court, not in the reality world where everyone sets their priorities differently. Probably I've set mine wrongly.

After Mean's accident, I've wanted nothing more than just to say sorry for what I did to her, but whenever I see her face, I remember the tender care she had for me, the loving look of her face toward me really breaks me down. Whenever I see the face, the urge of telling her everything before is all gone. I don't want her to remember anything from the past which might affect her. I don't want to repeat the same mistake again. 

But is it really possible?

The kinder I am to her, the more confusing things can get. But when I try to distance myself from her, she will have no one to talk to.

"You were... um... kind... and lovely." 

Mean smiles like a little kid and continues. "I wanna know more. How was I like? What was my education degree? How many languages did I speak? Did I have any friends besides my family?"

"You ask so many questions at the same time!" I laugh and continue. "Well.... You're at the same year as me, a freshman. And you speak two languages, which are English and Thai. You're very good in terms of English. And I don't know about your friends, because we'd never really discussed about it." 

"Really?" She raised on eyebrow. 

"Uh.. Yeah?" 

"Well... I'm just wondering. We are sisters and why hadn't I ever told you about my friends?" 

"You'd never felt comfortable about talking about any of them before." I roll my eyes and sigh.

"So... What did I mainly discuss?" 

"Feelings." The word comes out of my mouth without me planning it. 

"Feelings? Like what?"

"Mostly your personal problems and stuffs." 

"Have I ever told you who I really liked then?" 

"That's out of topic, Mean. And I'm tired. Let's just go back to our room." 

But both of us don't even move an inch. We both sit there quietly without interfering each other. She's thinking about her stuff while I have mine to follow. 

---

Aom's P.O.V

 

Humans' mistakes are uncountable. They're probably countable but you just don't have enough time to count all of them at the same time. It's like counting from 1 to 1 million. You can always count it, but you will lose the counts and you will eventually get tired and stop counting. 

If you ask me how many times I have forgiven people, you can refer back to the example which I have just given you. My forgiveness to people are uncountable. I do it just because I want to, and if I don't feel like I want to, then nothing can make me want to. 

I've always been a rational person; I think before I act and once I've decided to act, I don't need excuses. 

I've thought a lot about Tina and myself, actually. And I totally broke my own rule when I agreed that I would try to go out with her. I love her, and there's nothing which can change my mind about it. It's a fact from the heart which cannot be denied by anyone. But the doubt lies on her instead. I don't know, but I feel like we're just separating every time we see each other. 

I know what Dew told me yesterday wasn't a lie. I, too, keep looking for her but the problem is that I don't want to be seen by her. 

To me, I really feel like I want to be with her again, but it seems strange whenever I try to bring all my guts back just to tell her what I really feels. I keep asking myself the same question all over again like "Can I really trust her? Does she feel the same way as I do? Is the way I did to her on that day harsh at all? Why am I even thinking about her?"

You see, acting is easy, but thinking is hard. 

And the problem just doesn't lie on her completely. 

It's about my family. 

Can my dad take me for who I am? What will he think about me if I am determined to be with Tina? Will he be disgusted at all? 

"Aom?" 

"Yes?" 

My dad wakes me to the reality again while I am just losing myself to my thought. 

Ever since I told my mom to deny Tina's offer for rides to go to school with her, my dad has always been my driver. Somehow, he seems pleased.

"What are you thinking?" 

"Just random things, I guess." 

"I hope your random thoughts don't involve anything which are useless?" 

"What are you talking about?" I stare back at him. 

"Or do you want me to talk about what I am really thinking?" 

"Dad, is it really a good time to pick up a fight? If you do this every morning, I'm gonna ask Mom to drive me instead." I roll my eyes. 

Ever since he knew about me and Tina, he's never been in a good mood between me and her. He hasn't said anything bad to me at all, but instead, he picks up a fight with me every time we try to have a conversation. Sometimes, I think he wants to torture me for doing things that he doesn't like. Like being attracted to the same . 

"Or just call Tina instead?" 

"Dad! What exactly do you want from me?" 

"I want you to stop thinking about her. Is that hard?" 

"How many times do I need to tell you that I don't feel anything for her at all? And more importantly, we're done!"

"Aom, have you ever realized how much your short time relationship with Tina has destroyed my long time trust on you? I trusted you to do every best for the family, but you're just slipping everything away from my hands!"

"Dad! What kind of morning is this? And what kind of mood are you in? I haven't said a word to you and you're just throwing everything at me!"

"Are you saying that it's my fault?"

"I'm saying that you're nonsense!" I shout back at him.

"Aom! You're disrespecting your father! Have you realized that what you just did is wrong?" 

"Yeah? Then what about what you did? You just picked up a fight with me out of blue!"

"Is there a problem when I'm just trying to-"

"Whatever youw wanna do, can you just stop talking about this?" 

"I want you to think about what I have offered you last night, Aom. Almost time."

"Yeah, I know. If that's what you really want me to think about, you shouldn't have bothered picking up a fight with me."

"I'm your father and I have every right to talk to you about this."

"Stop saying that word, Dad. I love and respect you, but please, don't let your love to cage me because I'm not an animal. If you love me, you have to trust me. When I tell you that I'm done with her, I'm really done."

 Then he's silent again, and he just drives me to school like usual. We don't talk much, but once we do, it's only all about the fighting. 

---

Tina's P.O.V

 

It's one of those usual mornings when I have to wake up early because of Uncle John, and dress myself quickly so that I can join the breakfast, pretend to pay attention to the family conversation, which I'm not interested in, and of course, saying goodbye to Mean before I'm off to school.

As I drive to school, not every single monring has passed have I ever missed driving on Aom's home street. I still want to know about her, still want to see her by any chance. Still want to communicate with her even if I understand that she can never tolerate me. Still want to see her smile like she did to me in the past. And more importantly, I still want to know if she's okay. 

I've never seen her; let alone talking to her. I want to talk to her, to ask her how have her days been. But I know all my questions will never be answered, and she will never look at me the way she did before. I know it's all because of me; and I'm ready to accept everything. 

There are times that I actually think that it's only because of me in the beginning, which makes me become this sort of person, who is lonely while having many friends around. There are also times that I think I really should let Aom go and be with Mean forever. 

But is that fair for the three of us?

Is that even fair for me?

Is that even fair for Mean?

Is that even fair for Aom?

We all know that there is that bond we're having for each other. The Love bond. 

I wish that time could rewind itself back so that I could jump in and fix everything but time isn't a clock. You can't just turn it around like the way you do it with the clock. You can't fasten the time nor rewind it back. It's just like this. All you have to do is to suffer the consequnces from the things that you've made. 

As I pull into my parking spot, my heart almost dies. My heart almost screams out loud like a train pumping up its air. 

Aom. Aom is standing exactly at my parking spot. Does she want to talk to me?

As she sees me pulling in, she takes a step backward so that I can park my car nicely. But how can I?

I jump out of the car immediately and jump in to hug her, but she just takes another step back, which I totally understand. 

"Hi." Aom says.

"Hi." I try to crook my smile, hoping that she wouldn't recognize it. 

"How are you?" She asks. 

I have to clear my throat twice to answer her this question back.

"Good. You?"

"Spectacular." She smiles and continues. "Can we have a little talk?" 

My heart almost burts out of my chest. Finally, I can really talk to her. Maybe we can settle this thing out. Maybe we can be good again.

"Yeah, sure."

"Can we end everything?" 

"We what?" 

"It's like exactly like I said. Can we end everything? Can we forget everything? Can you forget what I said and I forget what you said." 

"If it's about that time between Mean and us, please, Aom, I want you to give it a chance. Please don't give up on us. Please stay."

"Tina, there's more to us than you think it is. And it's not just about that. I've been thinking a lot lately ever since the day I stormed off from you. I thought that maybe because I was mad; that's why I spoke what I did that day. But when I did my own thinking, I realized I did the right thing. You've had many second chances, and i want you to know that it's only better for us if we're just friends. I don't want to be disappointed again. Love hurts, and you hurt me. I don't know how I can explain this, and I'm not trying to be a dictator. 

But have you ever thought about the future of us rather than just sitting here and wanting me back? I've been thinking a lot. There are more factors than just the love issue. But it's also about the family issue and everything. To be honest, I don't think my family is ready for this."

"So that's it? You call it off because of your family? Then what about me? Is it even fair for me?" I look straight into her eyes. 

She dares looking back at me. "You're demanding for your own benefits when you already tore me into pieces? Was it even fair for me then when you thought of spending your time with Mean and avoided me?" 

"That's different. It's what I have to do."

"No, it's not any different. Loving my family is what I REALLY have to do. If you can step back and think twice about everything that we did, you'll see that we've made a mistake, and I don't want myself to repeat the same mistake."

"You're implying that I'm the mistake?" 

"Yes, you're the biggest mistake that has ever happened to me. You're the only person who makes me feel that true love exists, but it just can happen to the love between the same gender. I told you I liked you, but quite honestly, I didn't even know it myself if it was the feeling of love, or just friends. After a while, I've finally realized that I've never felt any different for you than just a best friend. I demanded you to care for me; it's only because a girl wants everyone's attention. I've never felt that for you. And because of this, because of making sure that you can get over me, I had to change the class. Sorry that I didn't tell you in advance." 

"You... have... never.... felt.... anything for me?" I choke. 

"Never."

"You've really... changed a lot." 

"I've never changed. But you just never know me from the first place." 

"I..."

"Please... Can we just be friends?"

And she looks me straight into the eyes, demanding the thing that I don't even want to say.

"I gotta go.