double update....

Hyun Joong

I wasn’t expecting Jaejoong Hyung to come at my place that day. He never come unannounced unless it was something urgent and the moment he stepped inside my apartment, I instantly knew that something was off.

He looked awful. His hair was in terrible mess and he looked like he had just waked up. Knowing Hyung, he will never leave his house without being perfectly polished. His narcissist side was often shown and it was one benefit of being an idol he enjoyed the most. But that day, it was different, way different from what he used to be.

The way he dressed was also terrible. That King of Fashion Kim Jaejoong was nowhere in sight and I was truly astonished by the sight presented in front of me. Dragged in sweat pants and a wife beater covered in some hoodie, he carried his feet lifelessly inside my apartment.

I greeted him, hiding the thousand questions filling my brain up. I wanted to panic realizing that Hyung was probably kidnapped by some terrorist-a fashion terrorist, but the look on his eyes stopped from blurting out the joke playing on my tongue.

“Hyung.” I greeted and gave him a hug and he answered with a nod and went straight to my couch with two feet on top of the small table in front. It had been ages since we last saw each other since we were both busy handling our career, him with DBSK and I as a solo artist. I sighed with that thought but dismissed it immediately.

 I offered for some tea but he requested for soju instead. I was well aware that he likes to drink but not soju. I mean, he was a high class drinker and soju would always be last on his list but obviously not that time. Reluctantly, without a question, I went to my kitchen and got him a bottle of the famous beer and we talked about things and life and before I know it, the poor drink was gulped down. I stared at him unbelievingly, not that I was surprised that he actually drank soju, it was a different story, but the fact that he drunk it like he was thirsty for water. It looked like he was desperate, hungry for something I can’t even name.

I finally got the chance to unleash what was in my mind. I told him what I’ve noticed and I also told him how terrible he looked. He just laughed at me and said that everything was okay but it wasn’t. Blame me for I am a keen observer and I knew my Hyung very well not to notice that something was wrong. He kept on mumbling words I think aliens could only understand.

And then he blamed himself for something I was just starting to find out what. Like a jet, I was alarmed for it was the thing I hated the most. He was showing things that I once condemned. I wanted to ask a lot of question but I can almost see his refusal to answer any of it. Knowing Kim Jaejoong, he won’t admit anything.

For the following days, his attitude didn’t change or maybe I was wrong, it did change but for the worst. He became more drowned to alcohol and every time I came to visit his house, he wasn’t in his usual self. He became the king of denial, saying to everyone that he was okay. I wonder why s, my Hyungs and Changmin weren’t doing anything. I didn’t blame them though, Jaejoong Hyung can be tough at times or make it most of the times. No one can force him to do something he doesn’t like.  I was one of those unlucky people who cannot make him stand up from his couch or leave his room for some sunshine.

But I knew something no one else did. And that urged me to something. I brought Hyung to my Uncle, the person who helped my through my darkest days. And yes, he’s a psychiatrist.

Hyung almost knock the living daylight out of me when I told him that I was going to help me. He was so angry and pitied himself. He kept murmuring that he did something wrong so the heaven was punishing him.  He said that it was a sin to love his own blood and he will rot in hell soon. I got scared and that gave me the courage to help him. If s can’t, I will.

“So, Mr. Kim,” Uncle started and Hyung fidgeted. I couldn’t tell if he was bored, pissed or nervous. I wanted him to feel the last one. Because at least, he knew something was going on and that he needed help.

I knew a lot. I knew that the first step to his full recovery was acceptance. Believe me, I knew it.

Been there, done that.

“How are you feeling today?”

“Good.” Lie. Everyone in that room can tell that he was far from being what he said. But then, Uncle just nodded.

“Tell me how many hours do you sleep at night.”

“Ah…” He looked above as if the answer was on the ceiling and looked at the person in front of him in utter boredom. “Two.”

“Two?!” I gaped. That was ridiculous; we maybe some sort of superstars but a two-hour sleep was just over board and considering that it was happening every night? Mercy.

“Hyun.” Uncle warned sternly so I muffled all the screaming protest inside my head. I wanted to help Hyung and my uncle was doing it so and all I need to do was to shut up which I couldn’t. I was almost kicked out of that room because I constantly batted into the session and for that umpteenth time that day or maybe that hour. Uncle also reminded me that I wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place so if I couldn’t close my mouth, he would happily throw me outside.

Hyung just looked at me without any expression. On normal circumstances, he could’ve laughed his off at my embarrassment. So like an obedient child, I finally shut up with the help of some books on the rack beside me. I got one that read: Understanding Human Brain’s Activities. Well, that was the field I wouldn’t want to get my involve. I’ll leave it to the experts’ thank you very much.

But that also didn’t mean that I didn’t throw the two men inside that room some unbelieving glares. Hyung was just too much, too much for me to handle.

“I have to drink whiskey to make me fall asleep.”
“How much whiskey?”

“Two shots at least, five to seven at the most. I had to add alcohol to my body because it somehow makes me calm since I’m getting nervous most of the time.” That’s Kim Jaejoong for you, that man who couldn’t live without his alcohol but his dosage was really bothering me.

 “So you’re nervous most of the time?” They continued. “Would you mind telling me what this nervousness feels like?”

“Heavy. Heavy breathing, it felt like my heart was about to jump out of my rib cage.”

“Was it like the feeling when you are up on stage and about to start a performance?”

Hyung shook his head looked at the doctor nervously. He was starting to show some emotions and I can really tell that he was somewhat scared. His eyes were never focused since we entered the building and they became worst. Little drops of sweats form on his forehead and his hand were shaking a little. I was starting to panic but Uncle looked at me with so much understanding, as if telling me that leave it all to him.

“N-no, it was different.”

“Have you talk to anyone about how you feel?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to be a burden to them.”

“Jaejoong, you’re just nervous and talking to anyone especially your friends won’t cause anything, unless there is something that you are hiding.”

Woah finally. I sensed some psychological thing in that last statement. My Uncle was doing his thing. What do they call it? Reverse Psychology? Whatever.

“N-no… of course not. of course not.” Hyung straightened his back and lied once again but of course, we knew better.

“So if there is nothing wrong then tell me why you have trouble catching your sleep.  I studied at your schedule that you gave to me a while ago and I found it pretty loose. You have a lot of time to rest and your nights are always free except for some radio shows that won’t last till 9 pm. That can give you a full 8 hours of sleep.”

“I am in the middle of composing  songs for our future albums.” he started to get defensive. His already weary voice went a notch higher but it didn’t make the doctor flinch. As much as I wanted to barge in, I stopped my self from doing so because I wanted to hear all his alibis and how Uncle will handle him. The two of them were like a prosecutor and a criminal under a brutal interrogation.

“On a drunken state?”

“What?”

“Mr. Kim, you told me a while ago that you have to drink a good amount of alcohol to make you sleep so I suppose that you write songs while you drunk. Because 2 to 3 shots can surely make you dizzy.”

“Call it a talent.” he looked away, obviously pissed and running out of words to say. I fought the urge to laugh at his words. Don’t get me wrong. Writing songs when you’re drunken dizzy? A talent? Only Kim Jaejoong can do that.

After another two hours of bloody questioning and an almost fight scene, the session was finally over. I stretched my back as I stand only to be punched in the stomach by Hyung as we go into the lobby to wait for the prescription.

“You have a lot of explaining to do and I suggest you start rehearsing your lines because I wont accept any crap that will come out from that crappy mouth of yours.” he scowled and glared at me like I murdered one of his family members. I was taken aback but just shrugged it off. Like I said before I’ve been, there done that.

Uncle called me and I left my angry Hyung at the counter before I entered his office. I was in for a huge surprise. Well, maybe not that surprising anymore.

I was right. My Uncle assessed him and told me that Hyung was suffering from depression and it was on its way on becoming severe. I was too late to bring him to the experts but it was enough to save him from killing himself. All of his friends know that Hyung is suicidal and at his state, it wasn’t that far from happening.

“But he can still perform. I watched his performance and there wasn’t any sign that he’s suffering from what you are saying. He looks so fine.” I gave Hyung some benefit of the doubt. Too late I guess.

“Every case is different.” My Uncle simple said.

He gave me a medicine and I looked at him. Uncle then smiled and nodded like he read what was on my mind.

“Yes, that’s the same medicine I gave you when you were on that state. You were like him Hyun, the only difference is that you were willing to help yourself.”

Yup. Uncle said it right. I suffered from the same disease. I call it a disease because it almost crashed me to the floor and got the best of me. The separation of my band, SS501, was not that easy to handle. Being the leader, I held my self responsible for everything. It wasn’t easy and I learned from it but the scars of the past were forever printed and it alarmed the hell out of me when I saw the same symptoms on Hyung.

“These medicines will not immediately take their effects. It will depend on how he will respond to them. Medicines won’t cure him alone. He needs the help of others and himself to get through this battle. I suggest you tell his family and friends about this.”

“But he won’t allow me.”

“You have to.” It was clearly a command.

I was drowned so deep into my thoughts that I disregarded what he said about the medicines. I became busy thinking of a good way to tell everyone about the situation without him blowing me into tiny bits. It never came to me that it will be the biggest mistake that I ever did.

I bought and gave the medicine to Jaejoong Hyung and carefully watched and checked if he was drinking it. Weeks past and to my surprised, he asked for another bottle and another saying that he needed more because the effect was too slow.  I have an access to my uncle’s pharmacy since the one in charge had a crush on me. I only had to use my to-die-for wink and wallah!

I was so happy that he was responding great at the medications. He came back to my uncle with a huge smile on his face and told him that everything was going okay. Uncle took some notes about his behavior and progresses and I was a very happy dongsaeng, proud of the accomplishment that I did only to be blamed in the end.

Jaemi

It was the third time that week that Mi Young woke up and immediately ran into the bathroom and puked all her stomach’s content. Her week was hectic since she had a competition for her debate club and a test made her lose some sleep. But her appetite astonished me. She had been eating like a hungry pig since I could remember. I just laughed it off at first and didn’t go gaga over it but her morning rituals were simply unavoidable.

I have two sisters and one of them was married already and has a child of her own so I have the right to say that Mi Young’s behavior were not mere behaviors, not at all. I have this little itchy feeling inside me that said that Mi Young, my soul sistah is pregnant. I gasped at my own thought. Mi Young is single, an innocent single lass but she has a boyfriend in the name of Kim Jaejoong, the mighty Kim Jaejoong. I gasped for the second time. If Mi Young’s body was giving some hints that she was pregnant, that meant that she wasn’t that innocent. Again, I gasped. Oh holy Molly, Kim Jaejoong just implanted a little creature inside her womb. Oh dear!

But then again, I need to prove it.

It was one of the mornings where she couldn’t even lift a finger because she was so dizzy. Thank heaven because it was Saturday so school was out. She just stayed in bed as I ran to the nearest pharmacy to buy something important. I can still vividly remember the look the pharmacist gave me when I asked for it. She looked at me in disgust and mumbled something like… ’Gosh, she barely even reach five feet and she’s pregnant?’ The person beside me scanned me from head to foot and said loudly… ‘A high school student buying things only a couple should buy. What a shame.’ I wanted the Earth to swallow me that instant. Mi Young owed me a lot and for the record, I’m not a high school student.  The person I was getting that thing for was the high school student, not me. Should I be thankful? At least nobody had mistaken me for an elementary student that would be heartbreaking.  And a cliché just popped out. Don’t judge a book by its cover.

“Here, try this.” Mi Young gave me a bewildered look like I was the weirdest thing ever stepped on the planet as I handed the kit to her.

“Why are you giving me a pregnancy test? This is so freaky Jaemi. I don’t need it.” She stood from her bed and put down the kit on the side table. I won’t back down just like that. I had so much trouble getting that kit and trust me; it won’t just get thrown away. And I have all the credentials to prove that I was right with my suspicions.

“It’s just a test Unnie. It won’t harm you and it will answer all the questions on why you are experiencing things that only a pregnant woman should experience.”

“I am not pregnant, period.” she tried to stood but nausea took over. I had to help her lay down again and with pleading eyes, I asked, “Please?”

“Jaemi?” she was too tired to argue.

“There’s nothing wrong with being one. I mean, it’s a blessing and you have a boyfriend.”

“But we never did –“ She suddenly stopped and I looked at her suspiciously.

“Unnie… is there something you need to tell me?”

“Two lines.” she went out from the bathroom and looked like she was a victim of a bomb scare.

“Positive!” I jumped on her bed out of happiness but her reaction was the other way around. “Eh? You’re not happy?” she sat sloppily at the edge of the bed.

“I can’t be pregnant.” she whispered as tears threatened to fall from her eyes.

“Why not? I’m sure Jaejoong Oppa would be so happy to hear the news.

She shook her head desperately and grabbed my arms like her life was defending on it. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone about this.”

“Why?”

“Just because!” her voice rise a bit but instead of being taken aback, I more felt bad for her. She was choosing to handle everything on her own but I know eventually everything will come out.  “I will tell everyone when I’m ready but not now.”

So even if it was against my will, I kept her secret. It was the biggest secret I had to keep. I was as nervous as hell and I can’t even look Jaejoong Oppa straight in the eye. I felt like a criminal. It was only because of Yunho that I stayed sane.

Everything was going okay until Mi Young told me that she was going back home in Jeju. To be honest, I was kinda skeptical about it. Call it woman instinct but it didn’t sound right but who am I to tell her not to go. I knew that despite her sister’s mean attitude, she was missing her and her home.  I wished her good luck not really knowing what for and kissed her goodbye. Not knowing that it was the last time we will see each other.

Yunho told me what happened to Jaejoong and I really felt bad not only for him but also for my Unnie. She was carrying a life inside her womb and yet she was left alone in Jeju. I started to ask my self what if Jaejoong Oppa knows that she was pregnant, will he still leave her there? I was sure he wouldn’t but Yunho’s news startled me. Mi Young was Jaejoong’s sister. What?

“Are you sure?” I looked at my boyfriend with a frown. He gently nodded and shrugged his shoulders. He was serious.

“But you told me that Rei Unnie is his real sister.”

“Their family hides so many secrets and all of us couldn’t handle them.”

‘It can’t be.’ I thought and looked down.

“Jaemi? Honey? Are you alright?” He asked and I nodded yes. I was lying.  I hate hiding things from him but that time, I had to.

“How did you know all about this?”

“Changmin told me. The news was from Rei. Jae won’t tell us anything. I told you because you live with Mi Young and I know you are waiting for her return but I’m afraid that it won’t happen anytime soon.”

With all his words, I could only answer with a nod. I was too lost for words, too much news for a day.

After my boyfriend left, I immediately went to Mi Young Unnie’s room and prepared her things. I didn’t know, call it woman’s intuition again but I felt the need to ransack her room looking for nothing in particular.

… Until I stumbled upon a small box. I was about to get something under her bed when that old box caught my eyes. Out of curiosity or nosiness or whatever you want to call it, I opened it and came face to face with some letters. Most of them were so old that the paper turned yellow and looked so fragile. I was afraid to touch them knowing that Unnie wont be so happy about it but then again, something inside me told me look further. Damn I was the female version of Sherlock Holmes, petite edition.

Kim Eun Mi. That was the name written on one of the old letters and it was addressed to KJJ. KJJ? Could it be Kim Jaejoong? I cover my mouth, shocked at my own thoughts. I don’t want to conclude so I immediately dialed Yunho’s number and ask one very important question.

“Hello. Missing me already.” I can imagine his smile but I’m sorry Yunho, I don’t.

“Yeah.” I’m honestly turning into a big fat liar. “Ahm... I just want to know something. Do you know the name of Jaejoong’s Oppa mom?” Of course he does but I was playing oh so innocent here.

“Hmm? Why are you asking?”

“I’m just curious.” Buy it Yunho or I won’t let you kiss me for a year!

“Kim Eun Mi.”

I heard his answer and my body felt numb. I hanged up on him without saying goodbye as I looked at the letters on my lap. Kim Eun Mi. KJJ. Kim Jaejoong. Now I have two secrets.

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unedited

Hi ^.^ I’m sorry it took me forever to update. I know the last chapter was rushed. Sorry…  ^.^

aejae22

BY FATE