Chapter forty-six: She who loves him 

I stayed with him all night in the hospital, he didn't want me to but I insisted, and slept with my arms leaning against the side of the bed, my head resting on my arms. I wake up to the morning sun shining brightly through the curtains feeling a slightly pain throughout my body because of this sleeping position. I stand up and stretch a bit, accidentally , I think Jaejoong got woken up from that. 

"That sounded ual." I hear him say. I blink twice and change the topic, "Are you feeling better now?" 

"Yeah, but I don't want to go to work today, can't be ed." He replies, rubbing his eyes and fixing his messy black hair. I don't know why I am attracted to guys with messy hair but he looks so... hot. 

"Let's go home." I say, emphasising the last word, but he doesn't really notice. 

"Okay." 

I rub my eyes vigorously, they hurt, I didn't sleep well. "I'll go and fill out the forms." I say, also as an excuse to leave the room. It still hurts, what do I have to do to get him to like me too? Why don't I just confess? But... if I confess, it will ruin the relationship we currently have. I don't think it's possible for us to be together, and even if it is, the chances would be so slim and almost non-existent. If we can't be a couple, I don't want us to lose what we currently have, and I don't want to hear his voice rejecting me. Tears begin to well up in my eyes but I quickly wipe them, I can't let him see me like this, I can't. 
I can't and I won't. 

I will never. 

I fan myself but the tears won't stop spilling, I've been holding everything in yesterday night when I was by him side, I didn't dare to cry, I didn't dare to move, I didn't want to wake him up from his rest. I didn't want to disturb him, he's sick, I want him to be fine. I struggled with myself not to cry but it wasn't too difficult because watching him sleeping in peace made me happy, but at the same time it stung. 

It stings even more now. 

I lean against the wall and begin counting to five, taking deep breaths in between but tears keep spilling out. I cover my face with my hands and try to calm myself down, steady my breathing but instead I let out a loud sob, lucky this place is empty right now. I hastily wipe every teardrop threatening to fall down but I'm not fast enough, I begin to slide down the wall in a sitting position with my knees up, my hands refusing to leave my face. 

Stop it, get a hold of yourself Ka Eun. 

He hasn't rejected you yet. 

You're just not trying. 

These optimistic thoughts run through my head but the negative ones do too. How am I not trying? For him, I can wait all night to get a glimpse of him and talk to him, for him I can stay by him all night and make sure he's doing fine, for him it's worth it being all alone. The feeling of waiting and just admiring the night sky for him to return home is bittersweet, it's sweet when he's back to talk to me, even if he's being mean... but it's bitter when he doesn't come back, like these two days. 
I hold onto the sides of my head, why am I so clingy? Why am I being so annoying?

I didn't know everything would hurt this much, and if it did I should have stopped myself from even developing feelings for him. Why would I like Kim Jaejoong? He may look flawless but he definitely isn't. 

This man has commitment issues, this man is rude, this man is vulgar, this man has slept with so many girls, this man is mysterious, this man is weird, this man has issues, yet I don't know what they are. 

This man doesn't tell me anything.

This man doesn't like me.

Why?

I continue to weep as if I haven't cried for years. 

But this man wants to go home.

He is waiting. 

I get up on my feet with much struggle, wiping away all the tears that stained my face, yet the tears welling in my eyes refuse to disappear, clouding my vision. I'm not here to cry, I'm here to fill out the forms so Jaejoong can discharge out of the hospital, I'm here because he needs me to do this for him, I'm here for him. I begin to walk towards the doctor's office but pause when I hear two people communicating. 

"Jaejoong's doing fine right?" A girl asks, I don't dare to look at who it is but her voice is familiar to me.

"Yes, he's all good, he can discharge any time he wants." Silence falls in the middle of the conversation but the girl speaks up again, "Doctor Lee... I heard he had some psychological issues... many years ago." She mumbles, yet I am still able to hear it. 

"A patient's information is to be concealed." Dr. Lee replies. I sigh in relief, I'm glad he didn't tell her anything because then it would mean there would be another woman who knows about him more than I do... but why does she know this in the first place?

"What if I told you who I am?" She asks. 

"I'm sorry, but I have been told to not expose a sentence about Kim Jaejoong's past, I even refused to tell Mrs Kim when she asked earlier." 

"She knows something?" I hear the girl say, but the doctor doesn't answer, "Okay, forget it, which room is he currently residing in?" 

"Room 72, third floor." 

"Thank you."

I can hear her walking out, what do I do, what do I do... I quickly take many steps back and as soon as the door opens I'll make it look like I'm walking towards the doctor's office. As soon as the door swings open I begin to walk, eliminating all suspician. 

"Ka Eun?" I look up upon hearing my name to see the girl... that I somewhat expected to see here. I mean afterall, Jaejoong is sick from being with her, right? I'm jealous, but more envious, because he's actually showing interest in her... yet she's in my position, clueless about him. 

"Hey Tiffany, I was just about to fill out the forms to discharge Jaejoong. That guy can't sit still in a hospital for long, so before he starts complaining I better get everything prepared, and maybe cook him a nice and revitalising meal once we get home so he c-" She doesn't let me finish and cuts me in the middle of my sentence. "Ka Eun, why are you crying?"