Chapter fourty- Drunken 

I wake up to see no one beside me, no presence beside me, except for the gush of cold on his side of the bed. There's a morning chill but the weather will get warmer like the typical Spring days. I sit up on the bed and stare outside, I guess I'm wrong. It might just stay colder today as the sky grants us some Spring rain. 

I wonder where Jaejoong went. 

I tie my hair into a lose bun and proceed downstairs to the kitchen, turns out the kitchen is still like it was yesterday. I still have yet to finish washing some of the dishes, the kitchen is one of the only places where I disallow the maids to enter. Jaejoong is still no where to be seen. 

I continue to wonder around the house in a lonely matter as some of the maids greet me while they do their morning chores. As large as our house is, we don't have billions of maids, we have about six, which is too little for our enormous house, but I'm thinking of having no more full time ones and evict them. Recently I didn't enjoy the idea of having them practically living with us, maybe I should just call and pay them when I need them to clean the house. 

I'm rich but I don't want to sit there and do absolutely nothing, I already pretty much have nothing to do in my life apart from stalking and being stupid in which I shouldn't even be doing. 

"Morning Mrs Kim." A maid says, bowing and smiling at me.
"Good morning, do you know where Jaejoong is?"
"I saw him go to the roof top balcony around half an hour ago." 
"Oh, thanks." I say, making my way there. I'm not going to lie, but I can barely navigate around the house since I'm mainly only in the kitchen, living room and master's suite. 

When I arrive, I see him lying on his back next to the pool in his dress shirt and pants, one hand dipped into the pool as the water trickles down his hand, creating circular motions in the water. 

"What are you doing?" I ask. I stand there awkwardly for a little while more until he finally speaks up. "I have to go work and learn at the company starting today so maybe I should just relax a little before all the bull my parents throw at me." 

"I thought you were going to go back when your exam results come in." 

"Well, no qualifications are required when you want to learn something new, you become qualified after learning." He replies, still lying down next to the pool. "You're more wordy today Jaejoong." 

"I'm just trying to get used to it for now. Any vulgar language in the company will get me hit in the sorry and a huge slap on the face from the 'Mama Kim'." I laugh and roll my pyjama pants up and sit on the edge of the pool, dipping my legs into the water. 

"You better change those pyjamas for tonight considering you just plant your on the ground outdoors." 

"Whatever." I say, and kick my legs underneath the water, feeling the cold. At least we're under a huge verandah or else we would be soaked in the rain that seems to get heavier minute by minute. 

There is a long silence between us, and I have never felt this nervous next to him, not to mention how uncomfortable I feel with my heart pounding faster than usual. Jaejoong closes his eyes and starts singing, new lyrics that he has yet to teach me.

"Love love, the love that abandoned me
Love love, I live in memories and reminiscence
You are already my soul
How to live, without you?" 

He softly sings, the melody filling my ears. Jaejoong's presence, his soft singing makes me feel at ease and attracted to him even more. What makes me uncomfortable is the sorrow in the song that he composed and why he is teaching me how to sing it. 

"Hey, is that song dedicated to anyone?" I ask. As curious as I am, I didn't want the answer to be 'yes' because then it would mean he'll probably never see anything in me and I'll probably be the one he ends up hating since I started the marriage... only if Changmin's analysis on Jaejoong's parents are legitimate. 
"None of your business." He bluntly replies. That response didn't answer any of my queries and I some how feel a little disappointed in his attitude towards me, why can't he just tell me things? If he did, I wouldn't have to be a stupid crazy doing things that disrespect him just because I want to know more about him. 

"Can't you just...tell me?" I ask in a serious context. 

"There's nothing I can really tell you about." 

"Are we friends?" I ask again. He furrows his eyebrows and stares at me weirdly. "Why are you even asking all these weird en questions?" 
"I just want to know."

He sighs, "Well, if you were completely nothing then I wouldn't celebrate your birthday nor buy you anything. Can you just sing the lyrics after me?"
He teaches me line by line until I sing it out loud, my voice sounding completely terrific compared to his. "What's the meaning and title of this song anyway, what's the point of teaching me?" 

"My only comfort." He replies, not answering the second part of my question. He edges his way towards me and embraces me in his arms, resting his head on my shoulder. "What are you-" 

"What, is there a problem with holding my wife or something?" He asks, still hugging me. I slowly move my hands to hug him back but immediately stop upon hearing his words. 

"The song, you were right. It's for someone I met years ago, I don't quite remember anything between us, but I'll always remember her face. Five years ago, we lost contact and every time I think of her, I feel guilty and I'm not quite sure why." 

So, he does have someone deep in his heart. Maybe Jaejoong isn't that much of a and a player I thought he was, maybe he never found anyone to love because of that special 'someone' which lead to his habits. I feel a little sad but then again, I don't love Jaejoong, I'm only attracted, so it's fine. "Way to go, forget about her even though she's so important." 

"You forgot about me as well." 

"You weren't important to me." I lie, "You're still not important to me." I lie again, it feels like I just stabbed myself. 

"That's why I share this song with you, you're just as stupid as me in terms of forgetting about people... and you remind me a bit about that person too." I forcefully free myself from his grasp and angrily stand up. 

I'm who I am, I am no one else but Ka Eun. If the one in a million possibilities of Jaejoong liking me came true, he wouldn't like the Ahn Ka Eun but probably the person deep down in his heart.

"You're going to be late to work. I'll make breakfast." I say, not even turning around, leaving a confused Jaejoong behind, probably giving me the 'what the ' look like usual. 
*
I sit on the couch in the living room all by myself, clutching onto the bright coloured cushion, long after Jaejoong left for the company by himself. 
Why is he even telling me these things, is he trying to piss me off? Maybe he knows I like him, and if that's the case I may as well drown myself in a bucket of fairy dust in hope to disappear into another dimension. 

"Five years ago, we lost contact and every time I think of her, I feel guilty and I'm not quite sure why." 

There's something peculiar about the five years ago, and that's when it really hit me. It stated something that happened five years ago on the medical certificate, I need to confirm t his right away...., I can't! Changmin took the documents away from me and said he'd take care of it, where is he?

I'm just going to text m