Chapter twenty: Starry night

I lay in the grass beside Yoochun staring at the night sky. Jaejoong, the typical Kim Jaejoong went clubbing tonight and obviously I don’t want to follow him. I don’t want to know what he’s doing, seriously.

“Yoochun, why don’t you go clubbing with Jaejoong and the others?” I ask, nice guy Yoochun.

“Why don’t you go clubbing?” He asks.

“I’m not really a clubbing person.”

“Exactly.”

So maybe out of the five boys, Yoochun is more peaceful, and more of a gentleman. I continue to stare at the stars, each of them shining wonderfully at me. I reach out my hand and place it in front of my face. It feels as though I can touch the sky and steal a star.

“Do you make wishes with stars?” Yoochun asks.

“Yes.”

“I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“When you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. The star is dead, just like your wish, just like your dreams.” My heart sinks, have you ever wondered how many times I have wished upon a star?

“Thanks for stepping on my hopes like that.”

“Mianhae, I studied astronomy before, that’s why.”

“Yoochun… even if the star is dead, it doesn’t mean that my dreams are dead. I can still wish upon a star, dead or alive.”

“Mianhae. I just don’t believe in this stuff. Maybe because I’m a man, not a weak little and childish girl like you Ka Eun.” He cheerfully says, laughing. I can tell he’s not joking though.

“Why don’t you believe in this stuff?”

“You can’t wish for things Ka Eun. If your wish really does come true, the credit doesn’t go to the dead star, it goes to you. You’re the one who achieves it.” That’s part correct, but what if you’re wishing for someone, wishing for someone’s heart? “What if you wish for someone to love you?” Yoochun remains silent, he turns his head around and looks at me as we lie side by side on the grass.

“I guess it’s just natural, if someone doesn’t like you, you can’t control it. Wishing for their love is useless right?” Why is Yoochun such a party pooper? To be honest, lately I’ve become really annoyed with Jaejoong. Just like last time, he would act all gentle and calm, emotionless and strange. Then the next day he’d go all jerk-like again, and full on taking all his anger at me. Why can’t he keep his emotions stable and stop getting his period?

Sometimes it even looks as though he’s afraid of something, something that probably happened a long time ago. Scared of finding out what it is.

“Ka Eun, what are you thinking about?”

“I’m thinking about Jaejoong.”

“Do you miss him already? Or are you feeling sad that he’s clubbing again?” It’s not that… it’s just that I actually feel really distant from him. Even if I’m not his proper wife, nor his friend, I still care.

“His personality keeps changing. Sometimes he’d be all emotional, and seem afraid of something, and next he’ll be all jerk-like again. It’s strange.”

“Really?”

“Neh… Yoochun, you’ve been friends with Jaejoong since your childhood right? You should know all about him right?”

“I know most things, why do you ask?”

“Has something bad ever happened to him?” Yoochun remains silent, biting his lip. I don’t even know whether or not he knows.

“Do you feel distant from Jaejoong?”

“He just… he just seems more strange than I thought he’d be, and it feels like I don’t actually know anything about him at all.” Who am I to care so much anyway... honestly. 

“Ka Eun, do you know everything about yourself, do you know everything that’s happened in your life?”

“I… I forgot most things.” I barely remember what happened three years ago with Jaejoon and me. “Maybe things were forgotten because they weren’t important. Every night when you sleep, your brain clears out the unimportant information so the next day you usually forget about all your conversations you once had. I guess over time, when things didn’t seem as important to you, your brain cleared out everything for you.”

“Everything you talk about is always going towards Science.”

He chuckles, “I know, but maybe that’s also the case with Jaejoong. I’m guessing if you ask him what’s wrong he wouldn’t even know himself. There’s that feeling inside him, but maybe he actually knows nothing.”

“Then, is it easy to remember?”

“If something reminds you about it, there’s probably a chance of remembering about it. To me, there’s no point looking into the past, so Ka Eun, stop worrying so much. Look ahead of you.”

“I know… are you sure Jaejoong is alright though?”

“You seem so concerned about it, everything is alright. Stop looking backwards!” He reaches his hand out in front of him, I do the same.

“Yoochun, let’s try and catch these stars. Dead or alive.”

*

Park Yoochun is so difficult to deal with, I got no information from him.  What he said is probably correct though, maybe no one wants to mention things that aren’t important in their lives. So I guess I’ll just be the person who won’t try to ask people things.

Ka Eun, let this curiosity disappear! Who cares about joong! He can go clubbing all he wants and eat mud! He can get AIDS and