She was tired but she didn't even have enough courage to sleep. She just lied there, staring at the dark ceiling. She wasn't even sure how long she's been like that. It must almost be morning because the sky was at its darkest already. It was always darkest before dawn. His hand was behind her head, making itself her pillow. She sighed when she remembered.

She was trying her best to breathe normally. She almost gave in earlier. If she didn't see that it was Dean's face above her, she would have collapsed and shook involuntarily again. She would have fainted. She would have wasted the moment she could have been his. Until now she was still trying her best to breathe. She enjoyed every moment, that was for sure. But she was scared that if she closed her eyes, everything would dissolve and it would all just be a dream. Was that even possible when she knew she loved him?

The weight on his arms disappeared and he wanted to turn around on the bed. But his eyes shot open. He looked over to his right side and no one was there. He looked down to the bed and saw Chahye sitting on it, her back against him. "Chahye," he called but she just turned her head slightly. He sat up and made sure the blanket was covering his lower half.

"Did I wake you up?" she asked.
"No... I just... Why are you awake?" he asked as he moved to sit right next to her.
"I just... I just couldn't sleep," she said hiding her face from him.
"Aaaww. Come on. Really? You should be tired by now," said Dean as he crawled to face her.

Chahye was hugging her knees to her chest, the sheets in between. They were both still and the room was still dark.

She looked at him as he sat in front of her the same way. "When did you have your first experience in , Dean?" she asked, resting her chin on her arm.
"Do you really want to talk about that?" smiled Dean shyly.
"Yes," she said quickly and without hesitation.
"Uhm... Well... Okay," he said. He positioned himself just right across her, hugging his knees a well. "I think I was... 18? Or maybe 17... I can't remember exactly. But... She was older than me," he started.
"Did you like it?" she asked with no specific emotion.
"Uhm... Yeah. I mean, it was my first time and she knew very well what to do," he said. Chahye just looked at him and somehow, that made him say more.

"I was already rapping when I was 16. You know, with Keith. So we met a lot of people from underground. Keith became really popular because he was so good at his craft. And since he liked trap, he had this cool aura. He kinda tried to live breathing trap. Haha! But me... I was kinda popular because I had this pretty face. I knew that. Everyone made it obvious that they like my face. Girls, too. I guess I used that to my advantage. It became easier to hit on girls, date some. But there was this girl, she was older than us. But some of the rappers we knew hung out with her. She was cool. She was pretty. She was kinda like you. Like... She was sweet and nice in the morning then at night, she drank like wild and every guy in the club would have already got a hard on because of her."

"I'm not like that," commented Chahye.

"Well, yeah... Not in that exact sense since you don't really hit on guys. But your alcohol levels might have been the same. Well, anyway... I had a slight crush on her. I didn't really like her because I knew she was someone else's boyfriend and she was older than me. No way was she going to fall for me, right? But I just couldn't help it. And I was wrong. One night, even though we shouldn't have, me and my friends, including Keith, had a drinking session. I remember telling my parents we were just going to prepare for a rap battle the next day. But Keith somehow bought drinks for us. She was there. So we drank. The next thing I know, her hands were on me already and she was kissing me. And damn, that felt amazing. I knew it wasn't right but we had that night in the other room. She certainly taught me things."

"Did you like it? Were you happy?"

"Uhm... Yeah. It was my first time. And it certainly rocked the living daylights out of me. Better than just watching . The only thing she didn't do to me was kiss me. And I would have wanted to."

"What happened after that? Where is she now?" she asked still concentrated on him.

"After that... I saw her again, maybe twice or thrice a week, the usual. But she began to ditch sessions and shows we were in. She was avoiding me. I guess, for me, I was just looking for the excitement again... But I couldn't deny that I wanted to be with her, talk to her, hold her. I had a crush on her. Then one day, I saw her at a show, and she was with another guy, a different guy, and he was also younger than her. That day, I feared I could have gotten an STD. How should I know how many guys she's already ed in her life? Thank the heavens though, I'm still clean. I had a number of girlfriends after that but they all didn't work out. I would either just want them for or they got tired of me because I didn't have enough time to be with them. I decided to go to America, be a producer, work hard for myself and I slowly forgot about her, and all the other girls I've been with. Well, there were also ones I hung out with in LA, but nothing just came close to actually catching my heart. Not until I met you."

"Aren't you even going to ask me when my first experience was?" she asked ignoring his small gesture of love.

"Uhm... Maybe... I don't know. I always thought I was your first since you said you never even got to kiss Oh Hyuk. But okay. When was your first time?" he asked curiously.

Chahye just looked at him then smiled, closing her eyes as she worked her thoughts. "My first time..." She started, then fell silent.

Dean just waited. Somehow, in the back of his head, he was starting to get nervous. Why? he thought.

"I... I was eight..." she said and Dean instantly leaned his head back in surprise.
"What?! Are you... Are you serious?!" he asked almost thinking she just brought out a joke.
But she just looked at him with a faint smile. "I was eight. It went on until I was 10... He did it almost every night," she tried to say, her voice starting to crack.
Dean released his knees and put both of his hands onto her arms. "Wait... You mean... Chahye... Don't tell me you're a..."
"He was our father," she said before a tear escaped her eye as she locked eyes with him.

Dean was unable to talk, his mouth slowly opening, trying to get the right words out of his mouth. "Oh my god... Chahye...," said Dean, not knowing if he should hug her. "Is... Is that why...," he tried to say.

"I was ... And my mother didn't even know about it," she said in between hearty tears.
"Chahye... You don't need to..." Dean tried to say, wanting her to stop.
"No... Listen to me..." she said sternly. And he did.

"I remember every night he would slip into my room. I had a separate room but I was supposed to be sleeping with Daejung when he grows up. He was just a baby then. And I loved him. But my mom... She started working nights. I don't know where but they said she was washing dishes. Might be some cool restaurant because she always brought home good food. But while my mom worked at night, he took every opportunity to come and get me. He was always drunk. I tried to lock my room but he has keys to everywhere in the house."

"It was horrible at first. It hurt. It hurt a lot and I cried. I was crying in front of him but he didn't stop. There were days that I got sick and couldn't walk but since my mom didn't have enough money to bring me to a hospital, she just helped me with fever medicine or whatever. I just remember not ever going to a hospital. He scared me. He had a gun. He always warned me that if I tell, he'll take Daejung away from me. Or even worse, my mom..."

She started crying and Dean just stared at her, rubbing her arms hoping it would help her relax.

"I was just safe whenever my cousins would visit or when our Aunt and grandma took us out. But once we come back, the nightmares went on again. He loves to torture me. He says my mother never gave it to him anymore, so I should. I hated the sound of his belt buckle. I already knew when it was him walking inside my room and I shake in fear each and every time."

"Chahye...."

"The last time he did it... He made sure I would never forget... It was a Thursday. And I remember so well. Daejung was already 3 and he was running a fever. We were both taking care of him. Aunt and Grandma were not free to help so she had to stay home. But she had work that night and she told me to look after him. I was 10 then... I could take care of him. She left and I stayed beside his bed, watching him carefully.

"But he came home and I was scared. What if he took me?! I ran to my room, locked the door and pretended to be asleep. I thought he wouldn't step in because his son was sick. But no. He opened the door to my room just like every other night he would. Only this time, I was crying. I was crying so hard and loud. I was hoping Daejung would wake up and stop him although I knew he wouldn't be able to. I tried to stop him, I did. But I was too weak."

"And then something different happened that night. His dirty was already inside me and I was crying. Then the front door opened and I heard my mom scream... she was looking for me, for him. He covered my mouth but he didn't stop. She was saying from the kitchen that her boss allowed her to take the night off to take care of Daejung. I heard her and I was happy. If only I could push him off of me, I would have ran to her. I heard her footsteps go to their room and Daejung started crying. But then she came walking to my room. And she saw it."

"She rushed to me when she saw me crying, when he was startled and fumbled down the bed. I was crying and I saw her cry as well. She started hitting him, screaming.... But he did, too. I remember quickly putting my shorts on and get off the bed wearily. I was hurt and weak. But then she gave me Daejung and I hugged him, and it felt like the whole world was all fine. I ran out of the room as they fought. I was scared... And Daejung was crying... Then he hit her and mom fell to the floor. I wanted to help her but I couldn't leave Daejung. She got up and looked at me and told me to go out. She was following us. But he was, too."

"The next thing I knew, Mom was pushing me towards to the door... But she fell back and I screamed. He had his gun out. I knew what it looked like because he always showed it to me. He even once shoved it through my when I didn't listen to him. Mom... She covered us... She fought him only to make us run. We did. But I heard it behind me and I turned around."

"My mom had her hand on her heart and she was bleeding. Next thing I knew she collapsed on the floor, onto me... my leg. And Daejung... He was crying but he held on to me. He was saying things near the door but I couldn't hear him anymore. I couldn't understand him..."

At this point, Chahye's cries became wails. She held her hands out and stared at them as she shook in fear, tears streaming down her face. She was broken and Dean knew that. He feared touching her as if it would bring her more tears, more memories. But he still raised a hand to touch her cheek.

"All I knew was that my mother my was dead and I would have been gone next. But I didn't. I was alive. I woke up in a hospital bed after, Jiho and Jisuk oppa were beside me. Daejung... They took him from me."

"Jin Chahye," he said touching both of her cheeks and trying to wipe away the continuous tears flowing from her eyes.

Chahye now looked at Dean. "Now... Do you understand why I told you before you can't love me?! I'm a wreck, Dean. I was . I was the reason my mom died. I'm the reason why my brother doesn't have parents anymore. I have trauma that I try to hide. I have tendencies to be just like that monster. You can't love me, Dean. No one can."

"No.. Don't say that.."

"That's why I don't like people. I don't like big crowds. That's why I don't have friends. If I can't trust the person I grew up to treat as my father, how can I possibly trust other people I barely even know? That's why I want Daejung with me... I owe him too much. I owe him his parents. He doesn't even remember his mom."

Unconsciously, Dean has started to cry as well. All kinds of questions ran through his head. For most of them, Chahye already answered. But most, Dean still didn't know? How was a woman so brave and strong able to conceal all these secrets, and still be able to face others with a smile? Why were monsters like her father even alive? Of all the people in the world, why should it be the woman she loves?

"That's why I don't believe in love, Dean. If there was love, my mother wouldn't have raised me up all alone. If there was love, he wouldn't have killed her. If there was love, he wouldn't have defiled me. If there was love, I wouldn't be in this situation."

Dean held her face and make her look at him. "Chahye... Don't talk like that..." he said softly. "If there wasn't love, I wouldn't have been head over heels for you. I wouldn't have taken care of you." She continued to cry and tried to hide her face from Dean. "Listen to me, Chahye..." he said.

"How can you love someone like me? I'll just bother you every night that we're together with my fits of fear... With my cries... With my past... It haunts me every night, Dean... I'm always scared. I'm always scared... But...," she continued, once again shaking. "I live for Daejung... Because my... my mom left him to me... But he's still alive. He still wants to get me... I know he wants to get me... I try to act strong because I can't let Daejung live in the same dark past as me... But I'm not strong, Dean. I'm not..."

This time, although he was crying as well, he reached for Chahye and embraced her, giving her the tightest hug he could muster. "That's not true, Chahye... You are the strongest woman I have ever met... If you were some other girl, they would have already committed suicide. But look at you," he said releasing her and taking her face in his hands. "You're beautiful. You're brave. You're smart. You're a good sister to Daejung. You're talented. "You're friendly and nice. You are more than what anyone would have expected form a person like you, Jin Chahye," he said kissing her forehead. "And don't you dare say that no one loves you. I love you. Jiho hyung loves you. Daejung loves you. Jisuk hyung. Hyoseob hyung. They love you. Your aunt, your uncle, grandma... Hyuk loves you, too. CJamm, BeWhy, Andup, Lil Boi hyung, Louie hyung, Giriboy hyung... Even Uglyduck hyung.. So what are you talking about? A lot of people love you... And they would do their best to make you feel that... To protect you. I will. We all will."

"I'm sorry, Dean," she said, taking his arms in her hands.

"For what?" he asked.

"For telling you all of that," she said.

"No, Chahye. You don't have to be sorry," he said. "I thank you for telling me. Now I understand you. And I will still try to understand you more as the days go by. Thank you for telling me because I finally felt that you trust me. And please... Trust me... With everything that I can do, I will always try to support and love you with all my heart. I love you," he said leaving a light peck on her lips.

"I... I... I love you, too, Dean..." she said as another tear escaped her eyes, hugging him tightly.

"Please stop crying and sleep, Chahye... You're too exhausted already," he said hugging her back.