It was dark and she was awake. She never experienced good sleep, not when he was around, not when he was drunk, not when he just wanted to get off. The door was locked and she prayed he was drunk enough to not realize he had a copy of the key. It clicked and her eyes shot wide open. In the darkness of the night, she no longer felt sleepy, she no longer felt tired. All she felt was fear. If only her arms were there around her body, if only she was with them, if only she knew.

The smell of alcohol drifted in the air and it sickened her. His footsteps sounded closer, stepping harder onto the floor.Pretending to be asleep, she closed her eyes and hugged her pillow tighter than ever. She prayed. The pastor at the church in the next neighborhood often spoke on the microphone saying prayers work. Could it work tonight? Will the heavens actually hear her now? When will her hell end? When can she see the light in a home no one wants to be in? Why should it be her?

She heard the familiar metal unclasp near his waist. This is it then. Another night. Another nightmare for a girl whose prayers were never listened to, whose voice never made it out . She felt his weight on the bed and she started shaking, her heart beating ever so fast and loudly. His wretched smell lingered in the air and she wanted to throw up. She felt his hand rub against her legs through her blanket, going down to reach its hem. She cringed. He heard her whimper.

"Are you excited for me, too?" his hellish voice ringing through her ear.

Her toes felt the cool air pass through her legs. She shook in fear and she laid there unable to do anything. His hands rub in between her legs and she shouted.

"NO!"

Jiho suddenly got up from the floor he was sleeping on, startled by the scream that invited itself in the dawn light. He got up feeling too much adrenaline in his veins and he saw it again.

Chahye was now sitting on the bed, blanket up to her legs. She was sweating furiously, breathing fast, eyes lost in the darkness of the room. "Chahye," he called out softly. She turned around cautiously and saw him kneeling from the floor, arms on the bed, his hand trying to reach her hand on her side. She lifted it away from him. "It's me, Jiho," he said.
"Jiho," she said repeating him.
"Right. I'm here. I'm right here. It's fine," he said reaching for her back. It was one of those nights again. She won't be able to speak in a long while again and this made Jiho sigh again.

He got up and stretched before sitting on the bed with Chahye. She just stared into nothing, sitting the same way for minutes now. He wanted to talk to her but he knew it was never going to help her. Chahye moved and eventually hugged her knees to her chest. This time, Jiho sat right beside her, hugging his knees to his chest as well. Through the light coming from the window, he was able to get a good look at the side of her face. She grew thinner and cheeks that used to be so bubbly disappeared. He could only sigh at the sight of his cousin. He felt bad for her.

"Don't feel bad for me," she suddenly said, as if she was able to read his mind. He didn't reply. He just sat there. "You should have went back to the party," she said.
"How could I when you were crying?" said Jiho.
"I always cry. You should have been used to that already," she said.
"Not when I know something happened," said Jiho looking at his cousin. She didn't look back. "What did happen, Chahye-ssi?" he asked.
"Nothing happened," she said, burying her chin closer deeper in the space between her knees and chest.
"I promised you I'll always be there for you, Chahye."
"You know that isn't possible, Jiho."
"But we could try."
"Jiho... I'm tired of all of this."
"Of what?"
"Of seeing him in my dreams. It's like a nightmare that would always come and haunt me. Even until now, he torments me."
"He was an , Chahye."
"And we're related. Making me an as well."
"Don't talk like that, Chahye."
"I'm an and you know that."
"No. You're just... different...."
"Thank you for your kind words."
"Why do you always have to look down on yourself?"
"I'm not. I'm just stating the facts of my life."

Chahye pulled the blanket from her legs and lied down, pulling it back up to her shoulders, her back to Jiho. "I'm going home tomorrow," she said.
"Aren't you even going to tell me who assaulted you last night?" asked Jiho worriedly.
"I don't know him. I haven't seen him before. I probably wouldn't remember him," she lied.
"Do you want help from an artist? So we could see his face?" said Jiho moving closer to her.
"It doesn't matter, Jiho," she said closing her eyes. It was hard enough lying to people. But it was devastating to do it to her cousins.
"Chahye, it matters. Everyone matters. You matter to me and hyung and eomma. We need to tell that person that what he did is not right," said Jiho.
"Go back to sleep, Jiho. Please," said Chahye softly.

Jiho froze and sighed. He never would really understand her and yet he wanted to. She purposely shuts her world from everyone, including the last of her family. The psychologist said it would be hard to get into their minds because they choose to shut up, to not invite unwanted people into their space, into their lives. Trust would always be the issue and it was hard to get theirs. It's been more than 10 years now and she still was the same Chahye that felt so distant from him. They have helped her cope with other phobias and traumas the doctor said she could experience. She wasn't scared to go out. She wasn't scared to be with people. She wasn't scared of men in general. She looked pretty normal. But once that button behind her head was pressed, once someone she doesn't know or trust touches her, she goes mental. And she stays that way for a long while.

Jiho stood up and looked at her for a while. Her shoulders weren't moving and he concluded she was already asleep. "Good night, Chahye. Saranghae," he said leaning low, kissing the top of head.

In the morning, Chahye left early. Zico didn't catch her anymore but told Taewoon that she would be back soon. Their mother sighed as they talked about her. "Sometimes, I don't know how to help her anymore," she said.
"Eomma," said Taewoon. "It's important that we help her. We're her only family left. But if she wants to handle things on her own, we have to let her. That way, she helps herself in finally overcoming her past."

But something bothered Zico too much. It wasn't about Chahye's predicament anymore. He was now more absorbed at the man who assaulted her last night could be. If she reacted that way, there was a possibility that he was someone she knew or met already. No one could just approach her that close and make her shake in fear. Chahye could have just walked away when she sensed a stranger invade her space. She was smart to know that. And somehow, thinking that it's someone he knew. made Zico mad. She trusted them.

That afternoon, Zico arranged a meet up with his crew. He needed to be sure, it's not just someone from the people closest to his life.

It was 30 minutes past 3 and only the people from Do'mains appeared: Hanhae, Giriboy, Andup, Uglyduck, TakeOne, Louie and Lil Boi.
"This . When will they ever come on time?" said Lil Boi putting his hands behind his head.
"They never do," said Andup shaking his head.
"Especially the hyungs," said TakeOne with a smirk.
"Well, maybe we don't need them all anymore. I'm sure Kkalchang hyung, a hyung and JTong hyung are still in their beds," said Zico.
"I'll put my bets on that," said Uglyduck smiling.
"Me, too," agreed Andup.

Zico leaned across the table they were sitting in at a cafe in the hidden parts of Itaewon. He looked at all of the men with him and smiled. He couldn't think of them doing such a thing to Chahye. Especially not the ones from Do'mains. They were literally the only people who told him they could help them with her. No way.

Uglyduck saw Zico shake his head and he leaned across the table, too. "Why did you ask us all here anyway?" he asked. "Is it about Chahye?"
"How is she?" asked Lil Boi.
"She's fine. She went home really early. I didn't even catch her," said Zico.
"Aish. That girl," said Louie crossing his arms over his chest.
"So, what do you want to talk about then? Chahye's all fine," said Giriboy.
"I don't know," said Zico slumping back onto his chair. "I hope I don't sound too intrusive or stupid or ungrateful, but I was thinking...," he continued. 
"Are you thinking it was one of us?" asked Hanhae with a smile.
Zico was surprised he thought of that and so his mouth hung open. "I... I just," he tried to say.
"Don't say it. We knew you were bound to think of that. It is logical," said TakeOne.
"Actually, we have something to tell you, hyung," said Andup getting Zico's attention.
"The other guys from the crew aren't coming," smiled Lil Boi.
"Huh? Why?" said Zico his eyes widening at the realization. "Did you plan this?"
"Yeah. We did," said Giriboy winking at him.
"Why? I was hoping to see everyone here," said Zico.
"We needed to tell you something, Jiho," said Hanhae.
"And it's something that has to be confined within us. No one else," said TakeOne.
"The hyungs might overreact and we would all be doomed," said Giriboy.
"What is it? Why do you guys look so serious?" said Zico.
"Well, you see," said Uglyduck who searched his friends' eyes for approval. "We don't want to sound as if we're making this person look bad to you but we think you should watch him closely." he said.
"Who are you talking about?" asked Zico leaning close to the center of the table. All the others followed, their conversation becoming more of whispers.
"Dean," said Hanhae.
"Huh?!" said Zico. "Dean?! Kwon Hyuk?"
"Is there anyone else?" whispered Lil Boi.
"Why are you thinking about him?" said Zico.
"We think Chahye is working with him," said Uglyduck.
"Wait. Wait. How did you...," started Zico. No one answered. Everyone just looked at him. "That other part-time job Chahye was talking about.... Is that it?" he asked.
"Bam! You got it," said Giriboy
"Dean needed a dancer. Chahye jumped for it," said Uglyduck.
"Remember that one time when we met at Cakeshop? I was with Incredivle. Chahye was with us but she left immediately when she saw you guys coming. And you were with Dean," said Andup.
"She could have just avoided talking to me," said Zico.
"No man. She avoided Dean. That's for sure. She would never avoid you," said Louie.
"But if she's working with Dean, she should have told me. She knows I'm working with him," said Zico.
"She doesn't know that, Jiho. She never gets herself into our world. She doesn't even know your songs, remember?" said Giriboy.
"But since you asked that, we prepared an answer for it as well, to prove that it is Dean," said Andup.
"We went to the cafe she was working at one time, last week, I think," said TakeOne. "We asked her if it was fine to walk her to her next work. She said yes. And guess where she took us."
"Where?" Zico still asked although he thought he already knew the answer.
"Joombas studios in Mapo-gu. That's where they record songs and rehearse right?" said Hanhae.
"Okay. Okay. Let's say Chahye is now really working for Dean. What makes you think he'll do that to her?" asked Zico.
"I saw him last night," said Hanhae, all eyes now on him. "He was at the party with Paloalto sunbae and BFree hyung. Remember, I was standing when Louie gave that joke about Hwaro hyung doing tattoos in his sleep. Then the two of them approached us, Dean following, asking how we all were. I saw him come from the comfort room and that was when Seungtaek and Taekwon got up to go. What if they met near the comfort rooms and Dean greeted her?" he explained.
"In a not so nice way," said Andup.
"Again. We're not saying he did it but think of it this way, Jiho," said Louie getting his attention. "Chahye is a dancer for Dean. We all know she could dance. She's good. She's going to dance Dean's songs. And currently, most of Dean's hits are the ones that are y."
"Pour Up, Put My Hands On You, I Love It. Even I'm Not Sorry sounds y to me," said Lil Boi shaking his head.
"Imagine what stress Chahye is going through because of the choreography she has to go through everyday," said Louie.
"Not to mention having Dean in the rehearsals and him looking at her," said TakeOne.
"And Chahye is a beautiful woman," said Uglyduck.
"With incredible body lines," said Andup.
"So there. We got you your suspect," said Hanhae.
"I... I still can't believe this," said Zico covering his face with his hands.
"We may be wrong about Dean. It may be some other guy. But what we want you to guard on is how Chahye is reacting towards her job there," said Uglyduck. "What if they make Chahye do y dances with Dean on stage? She'll blow."
"No, she won't be able to do that," said Zico.

= _ = _ = _ = _ =

I understand, Chahye. I understand.