Dear Diary, 

Please tell me this is all a bad dream. Please tell me I will wake up and I can start over. These past few days, I've had many sleepless nights. The panic attacks became more severe. Namjoon could only distract me for so long before the numb sensation returned. Every night I relived my mistake over and over again. It was like this dark void I couldn't escape. I had no one to talk to. No one to talk to about the crime I committed....A crime...I've committed a crime. That statement alone was  overwhelming. No matter how many times I prayed, the dirty feeling wouldn't go away. The only reason I had a little bit of sanity left was because, of the fact school was on break. I spent my days in my room trying to understand what led me to that point. She may have been mean, very mean...But, that doesn't justify my actions. How did I lose control? Her face continued to haunt my brain. Her very last breath in my hand. I was a killer. Murder. But I wasn't going to allow this slide. I decided to take serious repercussions. I extended my therapy sessions. It was time I got the help I so desperately needed. 

"Sujinah, Hongbin is here! He says he wants to drop you off to therapy." Nari barged into the room with a pocky stick hanging out the corner of . I sat up in bed before swinging my legs over to the side to get up. I rubbed my tired eyes now walking over to the door where she stood. 

"Omo! Sujin, you're looking worse and worse everyday! Are you sure you're not ill?" Nari asked with a concerned expression. Her eyes wide and mouth shaping in an "O" form. Physically ill? Probably not. But, mentally was something I was now questioning. 

"Annyeoooong? Earth to Sujin!! I am talking to you!!" Nari waved her hand in front of my face to gather my attention. 

"Ani, I'm fine. Tell Hongbin I'll be down in a minute please." I replied now moving towards the closet to find an outfit to wear. Today's ootd would be an old pair of ripped jeans and a plain white t-shirt with converse shoes. Feeling satisfied with my outfit selection, I strolled down the flight of stairs adjusting a falling strand of hair behind my ear. Hongbin stood at the he end of the hehe staircase with a smile on his face those adorable dimples in his cheek. 

"Sujinah. What took you so long? I thought I was getting stood up." He teased his hands were behind his back as if he were a shy little boy. I half smiled. 

"I could never stand up the famous Lee Hongbin." I played along before grabbing his hand as I met the end of the stair case. It was strange how death could change relationships. Me and Hongbin were best friends again. Despite, the fact we would never be more than friends he was very supportive and we were closer than we'do ever been. Although, we both blame ourselves for Bora's death, spending time with eachother made us accept our reality even if it wasn't what we wanted. 

"I'm flattered." Hongbin kissed my hand playfully. 

"And I'm sick to my stomach! Why don't you just date already?!?" Nari yelled like a toddler having a tantrum before running up the stairs and slamming the door. Her and Hope still hadn't gotten  back together yet. Which shifted her attention back to Hongbin, who had absolutely no interest in her what so ever. We both exchanged looks with eachother before giggling. 

"Yah! We don't slam doors in this house, Nari ah! I swear that girl is so moody!" My aunt Sorin hollered up the stairs. 

"Not as moody as Sujin. All she does is stay in her tomorrow with that journal." My father said from the dining table while reading the news paper. 

"I didn't know you were home." I replied lowly. He was usually never home and when he was home it always left me with bruises. 

"How could you when you're always in your room?" He asked in a cold tone. I nodded my head awkwardly before exhaling. 

"Well, Hongbin is taking me to therapy. Tell mom not to wait up." Was the last thing I said before heading to the door with Hongbin. This had become our routine now. Hongbin knew how much stress I was under and was very supportive of my decision to continue therapy. Namjoon was just as supportive, but we didn't see eachother as often as I would like due to his "business". 

I rubbed my pant leg as we pulled up to the Open your Heart Foundation. It was a nervous habit I'd gotten recently. 

"Sujin, are you okay?" He asked as the car came to a hault in front of the building. I got that question alot lately. Are you okay? Are you sick? What's wrong? I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't hide it. Every thing made me want to break down. All I could think of is if Bora was alive would she have become a better person overtime. Did I take that chance away from her? Don't her parents miss her? She was somebody's daughter after all. Hongbin knew my thoughts were going wild and reached over to place his hand on my lap giving my thigh a quick squeeze. My head instantly turned to him.

"You're zoning out again. Listen to me Sujinah, just because of your past doesn't make you a bad person. We were both at fault. So your burden is mine and mine is yours. But we agreed you wouldn't keep hurting yourself. We said you'd take therapy." Hongbin reminded me and I nodded whilst brushing the back of my tongue against my bottom lip. 

"You're right." 

"Aren't I always?" He joked making me smile lightly. 

"Alright, Sujinah. Make them proud, huh?" He half hugged me before I exit his vehicle waving a farewell as he drove away. 

I stepped into the waiting room waiting for the receptionist to allow me in to the office for my one on one. Once the signal was given I entered the room and sat at her desk.

"Ah, Sujin. My ray of sunshine. How are you today?" She asked while sitting on the other side of the desk. 

"Not well..I know we weren't suppose to meet today, but I need to talk to you." I placed both of my hands on her desk desperately begging for her help. 

"To be honest,Sujin. I've been worried about you. Your progress seems to be spiraling. You have walls up again and you seem very distracted. I'm glad you came and you should know the doors are always open for you." She held my hand causing me to half smile. 

"I'm in a bad place right now. I did something very bad and no matter what I do i cant seem to forgive myself. "

"Have you broke down the reason why you did that every ad thing? We all have something that triggers us,Sujin." 

"Hatred. Anger. Pain. I couldn't control myself."

"Sometimes, it's hard to control ourselves when we are pushed to the edge. Sometimes others influence our lives without us ever realizing it. If the anger, hatred, a pain entered your heart, it is most likely someone, something, or a experience caused it. Trauma makes us react in the strangest  ways, Sujin."  She explained and I nodded in agreement. 

"I want to start over. I want to live a new life." 

"You can start over, it's never to late, but what actions will you take to start over? Do you know your first steps? Do you know how to start over?" She continued to mentor me. 

"No, but I know someone who does...My brother Isseul." I wiped away my falling tears. 

"How did his new life work out for him?" She adjusted her glasses now and I sat up in my chair. 

"I don't know, but I'm gonna find out. Thank you for your advice!" I rushed out of her room. 

WHEN I got home everyone was gone surprisingly. It was the perfect time for me to execute my plan. I quickly stuffed as much clothes as I could into my backpack along with snacks from the pantry and a few bucks from my mother's wallet. I was going to run away and start a new life for myself in Seoul. Even if it meant leaving everyone and everything behind. I text Hongbin all of the details.

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To Hongbin: 

I'm sorry for all of the pain I caused you. I hope one day you can truly be happy. Even though this is my birth city, Busan issue no place for me. I will be leaving to start a new life in Seoul. Thank you for the laughs, smiles, support, and love. Even though I couldn't love you as much. I'll miss you- Sujin.

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I exhaled as I hit the send button. Now for the hardest part...Letting go of Namjoon.  I walked through the woods with my backpack on. My knuckles met the cabin door as I knocked. The door swung open quickly and Namjoon greeted me immediately wrapping his arms around my waist followed by a kiss. 

"Couldn't stay away from me, huh?" Namjoon said cockily pressing his lips against mine one more time before allowing me in. His tone was very velvety and seductive as he closed the door and pinned me against the entrance. I moaned slightly when his lips attached to my neck. 

"I just finished running a hot bath for us." He rubbed his hands down my back. The sensation he made me feel intoxicating. I craved more and more of him. He was only making the situation harder. How can I let him go after everything that happened between us. We had history. A rough start, but we made it work and I would be throwing it all away to start a new life. Was this really right?

"That's not why I've come here." I pushed him away gently. 

"Oh okay, did you wanna talk about something?" He went into the kitchen pulling out two wine glasses before filling it with juice. 

"Yeah, I do." I sat down on the chocolate brown couch thinking of how to break this to him. 

"Okay, babe. I'm listening."He spoke softly. I shut my eyes tightly at the word babe. 

Suran-Winter bird 

"What are we doing?" I asked with my legs crossed now. He stopped shuffling around in the kitchen now. His shoulders tensed up before he turned around and exhaled. 

"What do you mean?" He walked towards me slowly with the glasses of juice in his hand. We were now sitting across from eachother and that's when it dawned on me. The boy I wanted to be with for so long was going to hate me after this. We would probably never speak again. I wondered if this was really for the best or a stupid decision I'd later regret. I shut my eyes tightly again against I felt sharp pains strike my temples. 

"What are we doing?" I repeated. He sat the glasses down onto the coffee table, before readjusting his in the seat. 

"Baby--" He began and I interjected. 

"Don't baby me. Both of our lives have changed frantically since we crossed paths." 

"And what's wrong with that? Sujinah, we've made eachother stronger. We've saved eachother lives. We've helped eachother through so much." He reached across the table trying to touch me and I backed away. 

"I've only caused you trouble, Namjoon." 

"Don't say that sujin. Don't you dare say that!" 

"But it's true, isn't it? I killed your ex, with my hands. My own hands!! Don't you think I need help? How could you want someone like me?" I sobbed.

"It was an accident, Sujin! You're not ill!" Namjoon explained with a distraught expression. I shook my head frantically. In that moment, when Bora died. Something in me had snapped. If killing her was an accident. That was one hell of an escalated accident. There is nothing accidental about me wrapping my hands around someone's neck and taking their life. That's when I realized Namjoon loved me and that love made him blind. 

"Accident ? I wanted to kill her! I saw black! All I wanted was for her to disappear!" The tears formed in my eyes again. I rubbed them away frustratedly before grabbing his carton of cigarettes and taking one out. As I brought the lighter to the end of the stick, he snatched it out before tossing it.

"Hajima! Hajima! Don't destruct yourself, you're better than this." He got up taking the whole carton and throwing it into the trash. When he returned he wrapper his arms ! round me tightly. Planting a kiss on my cheek and rubbing my shoulders.

"What are we doing," He repeated my question, 

"We are both going through a hard time, but we're fighting to get through it together. As long as we have eachother, we'll be okay." He spoke softly in a soothing melody. My heart tightened. 

"I want to take a break." I responded lowly in defeat. His grip loosened before he backed away and stared at me. He chuckled inwardly. His jaw muscles bulging in anger. He shook his head as if he were trying to comprehend. 

"A break?" He slowly fell back onto the couch seat across from me. 

"I'm going to Seoul. I don't know when I'll be back." 

"Then, I'll go with you."

"It's not a option. You need to look after Bts. Besides, this is best for us." 

"Best for who, Sujin? This is bull. You can't just take off when things get hard!" He said angrily. I rubbed my pant leg again. It was for the best. It was. I needed to convince him of that. I needed for him to get the message. Even though I couldn't bare the thought of losing him. 

I'm going to Seoul to find my brother and there is nothing you can do to stop me." I responded emotionlessly. I was hoping if I ripped off the bandaid it would be easier for him to move on. This relationship was toxic anyways. No matter how bad I wanted it.. We weren't good for eachother.  

Namjoon pushed the glass off of the coffee table allowing it to crash with the wood floor. The sound of breaking glass met my ears. He was now rubbing his hands through his hair messing and I knew he weren't taking well to this. 

"So you find your brother,  then what?" His tone frustrated.

"I start a new life away from Busan." I replied still using a cold tone. 

"So you're just running away? Leaving me behind?" Namjoon had tears b his eyes at to his his point. His reaction was killing me inside. I couldn't help it anymore. I caressed his cheek before pressing my lips against his. A long, passionate, goodbye kiss. I gazed into his eyes one last time  before heading to to the door. He grabbed my forearm.

"Jebel, even if you leave me,you can never push me away...Let's work through this." He was pleading now and I didn't dare to look back into his eyes. His voice was shaking and his palm was sweaty. If I didn't know how much Namjoon loved me before, I sure as did now. He was a trembling mess with a tight grip around my arm. The weak part of me wanted to turn around round and embrace him. He was what I wanted. But I didn't deserve happiness. Not after all of the damage and pain I caused. 

"We cant." Was the last word I uttered before leaving him behind.  As I walked away I could hear him shout my name again. A nauseating feeling came over me as I headed for the local bus. The trip to Seoul would be 4 hrs long.  So, I made sure to pack my charger and some snacks. When I'd finally reached the bus stop I was surprised to see Hongbin standing there with a big bag. 

"Hongbinah, what are you doing?" I couldn't hide the excitement in my voice.

"Let's go find your brother." He replied with a smile on his face. 

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Namjoon's POV

It had been two hours since Sujin had left me and I couldn't stop blaming that dumb of a cheerleader. I wish she were dead. I wish she had died. I wish she'd never existed. Me and Sujin could've been happy... I thought we were happy. I screamed at the top of my lungs. 

"I wish you were dead! I wish she did kill you!" I shouted at Bora who resided in the hospital bed. The only response was her beeping monitor. 

"Even when you're in a coma, you're ruining my life..I hate you." I sat down in the chair looking at the girl who had a feeding tube shoved down . She was helpless. The same thing I was without Sujin.

"Hyung, we should probably get out of here. One of the nurses heard you yell. They're going to check this room soon." V informed me and I nodded now getting up from the chair.

"Let's take care of business." I huffed now exiting the room.