Dear Diary,

This was the worst nightmare of my life. No matter how hard I tried not to drown at the seams, I only fell deeper into the dark abyss. Today not only was I forced to attend a therapy group session, but I found out that it was inevitable for me to live a life where Kim Namjoon didn't exist. He haunted me in my dreams, my journal, my life. I stood up from my seat slowly not being able to bare it any longer.

"Is this a joke? You can't be serious..." I shook my head violently in shock. The person who caused the pain in my heart, the suicidal thoughts in my head, the gash in my arm was sitting right across from me in a therapy group session. Aha! How laughable! How ironic! The blood in my veins boiled with rage and hatred. 
My therapists rose from her chair as well, now extending her arms out as if she were trying to tame a wild animal.

"Sujin, please calm down." She spoke in a soft voice as if I were mental.

"Calm down? Calm down? I refuse to calm down! You people are insane if you think I would ever want to join a therapy group filled with bullies!"

"Sujin, we've all made mistakes. The world changes constantly as do the people. You have to let things go."

"Let things go. I will never let this go! He's caused me more pain than I can even swallow! He ruined my life!"

"Then , tell him. Tell us all how you feel, Sujin. Let it out."

I shook my head while holding back the tears in my eyes. 
"I'm done with this." I spat before leaving the room,slamming the door behind me. I slid down the wall in the hallway as my panic attack took over. I panted as my body began to tingle all over. My brain now becoming fuzzy as the nauseating feeling clouded over me. I felt as if ice were running through my veins. The urge to run away took over, but my body paralyzed and I felt as if I were being squeezed into a tiny ball. The lady at the desk quickly ran over to me dropping all of her paper work. 
"Gwenchanayo? Gwenchanayo?" She panicked, but somehow no words left my mouth. I was incapable of doing something as simple as speaking. My tongue numb. Vision blurry. I covered my face with the palms of my hands while screaming. I wanted it to stop..I wanted it to go away.

"Sujin, stop! Sujin, just stop!" My therapist ran out of the room to help. She grabbed my now balled up fists while looking me in the eyes.
"We're here for you. We're here for you." She repeated while I frowned catching sight of a distraught Namjoon watching me from the hallway.

My parents were called immediately to pick me up. When the car arrived in front of the building the lady and therapist me out to the car knowing how unbalanced I was at the moment. They both shared a ten minute conversation with my parents where I was not included of course.

"Do you want to explain what happened in there?" My father was the first to interrogate and I leaned my head against the glass window in frustration. I escape one nightmare just to get into another.

"Answer me!" He shouted while clashing his shoes with the breaks.

"I don't want to go back there ever again." I uttered waiting for my mother to slap the back of my head, but they were both relatively calm after my statement.

"Any particular reason?" She asked now positioning her body to stare at me from the front seat. Not wanting to get too in depth with my predicament, I decided to lie.

"I don't feel comfortable, I can't relate to any of them." There was a moment of silence before they both nodded simultaneously.

"Listen, Sujin...Its going to be difficult at first to adapt, but you have to keep going. Me and your father signed a form stating you would have to attend the class for thirty hours before leaving. The class is only two hours a day."
I scoffed at word "only". Until they have been through what I have, seen what I've seen, felt what I felt, they would never completely comprehend my behavior or my thought process. Thirty hours. Thirty hours, two hours a day, two weeks and one day. Perhaps, there were a waiver that could be signed to remove me from that dreadful place.

"Isn't there another form that could revoke it? Mom, please if I have to go back I really think I will die."

"Please, sweetie stop being dramatic this is for your own good." She smiled and gave me a pat on the head as if I were a dog. I shut my eyes tightly and exhaled. These were going to be the worst fifteen days of my life.

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"So, you're telling me your parents signed a paper that won't permit you to leave until you've completed thirty hours." Hongbin snapped a picture of the lake before turning around to meet my eyes. I sat in the grass criss cross style while picking the petals off of the flowers.

"Yeah, I have no idea how I'll get through it. This all doesn't even feel real. Its like I'm stuck in a movie. Why do bad things keep happening to me?" I shook my head in irony.
The corners of Hongbin's lips turned upward slowly and his dimples deepened.

"Come on, bad things don't keep happening to you." He tried to be optimistic making me raise one eye brow at him.

"OK, so a few bad things have happened, but who knows Sujin maybe one of these days will be the best of your life. What if it all starts there? You know what people say? One thing leads to another. Maybe, this is just the beginning, the first act, but something greater will happen." He enthused making me smile at his fascination for karma, destiny, and fate.

"You're an adorable little dork, has anyone ever told you that?" I teased now standing up to ruffle his hair.

"I have now." He chuckled now plopping his body down onto the soft grass. I joined him leaning my head onto his chest. We both exhaled when he out his arm around me. The sun setting.

"I'll always be there for you,Sujinah, even if it kills me." He said against my ear softly before kissing my forehead. The warmth feeling in my cheeks as I looked up to see his face. His eyes were fixated on the lake across from us.

"I'm really happy that I have you. You're the only one there for me when the world seems to shatter down on me...I'm grateful." It was at that very moment that our eyes locked and our heads leaned towards one another, but the sprinklers ruining another moment for us. We ran quickly, our sneakers slushing in the now wet grass as we made it to his father's car (he allowed him to borrow it for today). When we escaped the evil sprinklers, we both laughed and made fun of each others soaked hair and clothes. He grabbed my wet hair, pushing some aside from my face. Now admiring me before leaning in again, but of course there was another interruption, my cell phone. We both chuckled at the perfect timing.

"I should take you home now." He insisted making me nod in agreement. When he pulled into the driveway of my home I gave my thanks as usual this time he stopped me before my hand could reach the door.

"If you need anything, just call me, okay? Actually, you can text me too. Our code could be 911 if you need my help."  I nodded.

"Thanks, Binah." 

"Do you want me to walk you to the door?" He asked in a nervous jitter like tone. This made me smile.

"No, it's okay. I'm probably gonna just use the tree in my backyard and climb to my room." 

"Right...Right..." He tapped his hands on the steering wheel. 

"Good night, Binah." I spoke through the rolled down window after I exit the car and he half smiled before leaving. 

Suddenly, the scent of burning wood met my nose and I wondered if it were something in our backyard. I ran quickly to find the burning tree, but didn't have any clue or evidence. With no signs of fire I decided to let it go, erase it from my mind. I climbed up the tree right next to my balcony before throwing my body onto the fence that surrounded it. I gripped onto the metal fence tightly before pulling body up, giving myself a pat on the back afterwards. That's when my feet cemented as I looked at the reflection in my glass door. Namjoon's house was on fire literally. I turned around quickly holding onto the fence as I leaned over slightly. Gasp escaping my mouth. His house engulfed with flames. My heart raced and my brain scrambled as I pondered of what to do. Call the fire station, there's one not too far from here. No, just leave it alone, someone probably alerted the fire station already. What if no one saw the fire besides you? Just go to sleep and act like it never happened, what do you think he would do if your house were on fire? I'll tell you, nothing. Maybe Binah called the fire station already. Oh, he went in the opposite direction, he wouldn't have known.  Me and my concious played tug of war with each other. There was a tightening sensation in my chest and overwhelming weight on my entire building. I felt as if I were chained to my house and didn't have the right to save him after all he's done to me. But the other part of me didn't want to see him die...What if he's in the house laying on the floor choking to death on gas and smoke? What if I'm the only one who can save him. I was sliced into a million pieces, but that fire wasn't going to stop burning anytime soon and a decision needed to be made. I quickly dialed our local fire station giving the address of my bully's home. After they notified me of their estimated time, I ran over to his house like an idiot trying at the door knob. Of course it was locked. 

Adam Lambert-Mad World

I went around the back finding a brick before throwing it through the glass window kicking the remaining shards out with my boot. As I climbed into the window I realized, I'd never seen a fire like this before. The way it devoured everything in it's path as if it were nothing. All of the items linked to his birth, childhood, soon to be adult hood turned to ash. It just makes me think how you could have everything you want in this world, but it could be taken away from you as fast as three seconds. I covered my mouth while gagging from the gas in the air. Focus, Sujin. Focus. Find Namjoon. I looked around at all of my burning surroundings. The paint peeling off of the walls. It was depressing to see someone's home incinerating. 

"Namjoon!?! Namjoon!?!" I shouted gagging in between with no response I was positive he were lying down on the floor somewhere. The living room was completely destroyed. I decided to move upstairs after covering the entire lower level. A flaming picture nearly fell on top of me as I moved up the staircase. 

"Namjoon!?! Namjoon!?! Are you here?! Please, answer me!!!" I continued to call his name. There were a door with a poster saying "BTS PROPERTY GO NO FURTHER". I figured this were his room and tried to open the door but, it wouldn't budge. 

"Namjoon! Namjoon!" I shouted getting several coughs in response. I repeatedly shook the door knob hoping for it to unlock finding no luck. Thinking quickly, I pulled the bobby pin out of my hair and used it to unlock the door (learning this trick from Nari). When the door finally opened I found a red eyed Namjoon with a dozen of pills in one hand with a bottle of water in the other. A path of fire the only thing dividing us. Were he contemplating suicide? He smiled at me bittersweetly clearly embarrassed to be caught by me. 

"What the hell are you doing?" I scolded him in an agrravated tone.

"What are you doing in my house?" He replied in a snapping manner. 

"Are you ing serious or are you just oblivious to the fact that your entire house is ON FIRE!" My patience were slowly depleting as his ungrateful attitude sunk in. 

"Just get out! Leave me alone!" He threw his giant blanket at me. The edge of it caught fire and I stomped it out quickly. 

"I've already made it this far, I'm not leaving."

"Fine, then I guess you'll die with me." He held up his water bottle as if he were saying cheers before tossing  the pills from his other hand into his mouth.

"NO!" I shouted before wrapping the blanket around me diving into the fire and squeezing his face to release the pills. I watched them fly across the room before turning my head back to him my eyes filled with tears. I didn't even realize my hand were still on his face when he pulled it away disgustedly. 

"Why did you do that?" He asked in a devastated tone.

"Because, I would want someone to do it for me." He blinked out a tear while holding his mouth agape slightly in a crooked position.

"We need to leave now or we really will die." I grabbed a trophy from his shelf the one thing that hadn't caught fire yet surprisingly before smashing the window in his room with it. 

"This is the only way out. Everything else is on fire." 

"Ladies first." He insisted.

"Don't give me that bull. I know you'll just stay behind after I jump out and I am not going into a flaming house for nothing. You first." I moved aside allowing him to jump and I followed just in time to see the entire house completely engulfed. The fire fighters had just pulled into the driveway rushing to put out the fire followed by an amulance.

"Is there anyone inside?" The firefighter asked me and I shook my head before staring at a panting Namjoon. 

We were asked several questions while sitting in the back of the ambulance where the nurse covered my scars from the glass shards with bandaids after cleansing them thoroughly. The nurse wrapped blankets around us to give comfort.

"Do you know how the fire started?" The firefighter asked Namjoon who only shook his head for yes and nos. Once the interrogation was over I had a question for Namjoon myself.

"Did you start the fire?" I asked in an empathetic tone. He paused for a second before turning his eyes away from mine. This answered my question. Namjoon was in fact suicidal and the fire was intentional.