Nell- Slip Away

Dear Diary, 

I've gone back into the deep depression my parents promised would subside once we moved here. Two weeks had passed since our little camping trip. Everyday at school is like hell on earth. When I sit in the cafeteria, I can't breathe I feel all of the eyes in the room piercing through my skull. I hear all of the laughs, snide remarks, and rumours about me.  I hear them spit out words like , , .The worst thing about this depression is no matter how many funny cat videos I watch on the internet, the feeling of being numb won't fade. It feels like you're constantly drowning or under pressure. To know that you have absolutely no one, not even a pet, a friend, a family member, a significant other...And when you tell people no one truly hears you, it's like everything you told them flew right above their heads. In one ear out the other. Or they always have the same advice "Just stand up for yourself" and you see where it gets you. It digs your grave deeper. Now every week day was the same routine.

Wake up, take a shower, get dressed, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, brush your teeth again, go to school, get bullied, go home, study, cry yourself to sleep. Depressing, right? For the first time in a while I even decided to stay home 'sick'. I didn't bother to show up for soccer practice, Leo made it clear he didn't want me to step foot on his field again.  Hongbin was consumed by his photography and Nari was consumed with popularity. So, that left me exactly where you guessed. At home in my room watching the rain slide down my balcony window while listening to music. I had a perfect view of Namjoon's house. Although he hasn't returned since his father's death.  Every time I saw him, I could only think of how much I truly despised him. He made me this way. He made me block the rest of the world out, because of the fear of constant judgement and being bullied. He's the one who made me not raise my hand in class because of the fear of saying something stupid or irrelevant. He made me depressed. Revenge was the only thing my brain was stuck on and I knew it would only be as disastrous as before. There was no way I could beat him and his disciples. 

I scrolled through the images on my camera. Stopping at a picture of Hongbin. A smile on his face while holding a glass of bubble tea. It was the day we created operation take him down. We were so happy and connected. I would give anything to have that again. I sighed at the thought of our good memories together. It was all short lived and I wondered if things would ever turn to normal again with us. Nari entered the room throwing down her backpack and jacket. 

"Aish! The forecast was wrong! It rained and my hair got ruined! I had it curled today! Do you know how ugly it looks now? The guys looked at me like I was a circus freak! It was so embarrassing!" She whined while gesturing to her drenched hair.

"It's not that big of a deal. You still look pretty." I replied whilst scrolling through the images again.

"Wish I could say the same to you. Sujinah, you seriously look ill. Are you coming down with a cold?" She asked.

"Nope, it's just my face."

"Your eyes are puffy and you have dark circles. It's like you've been crying all day."

"I wonder why...Did you see the new poster of me at school? Apparently, I'm a e now. I'm not sure if that's an upgrade from being called a stripper before." I nodded whilst sad smiling. Nari sighed before sitting next to me on the bed patting my back.

"Sujinah, I'm really sorry about what's happening to you. Namjoon is a jerk. Everyone at school is a jerk, but can you blame them for the rumours they're making? They saw you in Namjoon's lap. Even if you guys didn't have ...It looks wrong and suspicious."

"So, you're taking their side? Of course, you are. Miss Popular always believing what her peers say." I scoffed before standing up from the bed and she bit her bottom lip as if she regret everything that slipped from .

"I'm not the only one. Even Hongbin believes it. He's torn apart because of you. I see him everyday after school, he talks to me. He misses you, but he doesn't know what went through your head that day and he doesn't understand how it even happened. He feels like you betrayed him." Nari exclaimed now standing up from the bed as well.

I walked over to the balcony window watching the rain drops hit the glass. That was when I noticed something. It was the first time in a while that Namjoon actually came home and he wasn't alone. Bora was on the back of his bike wearing his helmet and rain coat. They were both laughing and smiling trying to run inside the house before getting more wet. For a second I could've sworn Namjoon's eyes looked up to my window, and I backed away quickly hiding behind the silk beige curtains, hoping my face wasn't seen. 

"Hongbin should've talked to me then...Why would he believe in our enemy?" I folded my arms across my chest whilst pouting. 

"I mean, Sujin. What do you expect? You've been marked by Namjoon since day one, he's not going to stop until he gets what he wants even if that means convincing your friends you're a bad person."

"And what is it that he wants?"

"To break you, until there is nothing left. You're not his first victim and you won't be his last., but you need to be smart."

"So, what are you suggesting I do?"

"Right now, set things straight with Hongbin. Then, from there talk to Leo and stop falling into Namjoon's traps."

"I've already tried for two weeks. What makes you think they would turn around now?"

"I just have a feeling...Follow your heart, Sujin. You know what to do." She ruffled my hair before leaving the room again.   

"Yah! Sujinah! Nari-ah! Come eat! Dinner is ready!" My mother hollered from downstairs and I sighed knowing it was time to put on a show for my family, again. Smile, pretend you're happy, pretend you have an appetite, pretend you're still on the soccer team. I strolled down the stairs next to Nari before joining Aunt Sorin, my mother, and father at the table. Sorin smiled before passing around the dishes and bowls filled with food. I thanked both her and my mother graciously as my father gave me the stink eye as usual.

"So, Sujin. How's school been?" Sorin asked enthusiastically. She was the only one in my family who actually possessed an interest in my well being and happiness. I smiled while chewing the chicken before blotting my mouth with a napkin and saying 

"It's great. I'm making more friends now." my typical response for this question. Nari looked away uncomfortably knowing my real situation, but she didn't dare to snitch on me. Instead, she went along with it and I was grateful.

"Really? More friends? Then, I guess that old journal of yours can retire now." My father elaborated and I rolled my eyes.

"How's work, dad? Did you lock up anymore innocent people for crimes they didn't commit?" I retorted with a smug smile and he grunted his fists balled up as he hit down on the table. Nari jumped slightly startled. Even with us living together for months I don't think she would ever adapt to my father's abusive behaviour.

"You little---"

"Not tonight, okay. Please, let's have one civilized dinner. You guys are family for heaven's sake just be nice to each other."

"Family? If I'm his family why does he insist on treating me like an animal? If I dropped dead right now, I guarantee my 'father' wouldn't care." I did quotation mark gestures with my fingers at the word "father" and he cleared his throat.

"Do you wanna know why I can't have a civilized dinner? It's because my daughter is nothing but a liar and I'm disappointed. I thought I raised you better than that." He scowled at me from across the table and I scoffed.

"Raised me? I raised myself for years while you and mom worked your asses off to pay for 'treatment' for my gay brother. As if being gay is a disease."

"I told you not to talk about Isseul." He grumbled. Nari elbowed me under the table indicating for me to stop. I shook my head whilst smiling.

"Unbelievable, that I can't even talk about the one I love...The only person who ever gave a about me."

"Language! Watch your language!" My mother shouted now her elbow coming into contact with the glass next to her knocking it to the floor. I watched the glass shatter to bits. There were glass shards everywhere and she threw up her hands in defeat before breaking down into tears at the table. 

"Are you satisfied now?" My father asked then, stood up from the table to get a broom and dust pan. Nari looked down at her feet before excusing herself from the table. Apparently, her appetite was gone now. I never had one to begin with so, I had no problem with leaving the dining room. It was Aunt Sorin who stopped me in the kitchen. While, my mother continued to cry at the table. 

"Sujinah, I know that you're a very strong young lady. You say what you feel and you mean what you say and I admire that about you, but there are times where you have to remain silent. Tonight was one of those nights." Sorin placed her hand on my shoulder with teary eyes.

"I don't understand why it's wrong for me to love my brother. I don't understand why I can't mention his name without some kind of commotion. He's not a bad person, because of his ual orientation...He's one of the most  beautiful people I know and I wish I'd never lost contact with him when my dad threw him out. I wish he were still here, maybe then there would be some happiness left inside of me." My voice cracked and I cleared my throat in attempt to hold back the tears but found them falling. Sorin handed me a tissue.

"I miss him too. I know you love him and it's not wrong. You're allowed to love him, but in this family there are things we can't talk about and he's one of those things." Her voice a gentle and soothing tone. 

"Why did mom freak out? This isn't the first time I mentioned him." I asked feeling like something was missing from the story. She exhaled. Her expression as if she were contemplating whether or not to disclose the hidden information with me.

"You need to leave. I'm afraid your father will act very violent tonight. I don't want to see you get hurt, again."

"What? Leave? You're kicking me out?"

"Only for tonight. By tomorrow he will have cooled off. But, we both know how dangerous your father can be. Please, be safe." She kissed my forehead before leaving to attend to my mother again. I ran up the stairs to grab my backpack stuffing my school uniform inside along with my toothbrush and other toiletries. Nari was no where to be found and I couldn't say goodbye. I was taken back when my father busted the door open before grabbing me by the neck. I choked as his grip around my neck tightened.

"You thought you could sneak your little out of here?I know exactly what's going on! I see and hear everything! I know you stopped going to soccer practice, I know you had with one of those bts boys, and I know you're failing in school. You think I don't go shopping for groceries? You think I don't hear your classmates talking about you? You're wrong. You're nothing but a disappointment and a little ! I should've thrown you out when I had the chance!" He shouted as I stuggled to gain oxygen. 

"S-Stop! Let...Go...Of....Me!" I coughed while trying to pull his hands off of me. I had no strength left in my fragile bones and found myself failing. My mother ran behind him.

"Stop! You're going to kill her and then, you'll go to jail!" She screamed. He grunted before looking me in the eyes again then, released his grip. I fell to the floor holding my neck as I choked and gasped finally collecting oxygen into my lungs. I looked up at the man who was considered my father at least biologically. There was nothing father-like about him. He wasn't a parent. He wasn't a giver. He wasn't nurturing. He was my bully at home. There were tears falling from my eyes and just when I thought our fight was over he bent over to slap my face and kick my stomach until I laid on the floor helplessly. I looked at my mother weakly as she cried for me. She offered a hand, but I declined and decided to pick myself up as I usually do. 

It was still pouring rain outside and I had no where to go. So I walked. I walked around aimlessly looking for shelter with my raincoat being my only shield against the cold drops. I walked down the trail. The same trail BTS said was their territory. I walked through the woods. The woods they also claimed to be theirs. The only thing in my mind was that the pain I felt on the outside from my father's abuse was nothing compared to the pain inside my black heart. I gasped when my eyes caught sight of a cabin in the woods. Tiny lamps surrounding the perimeter of the place. It was big and cozy looking from the outside. I looked over my shoulder both ways before trying the door knob to the place. It looked abandoned, but was still in very great shape. It didn't look old, you could tell it was fairly new because of the paint job. But there was no existing evidence of occupancy. I turned the knob slowly before pushing the door in.

"Hello? Is anyone here?" I asked while peeking my head through. With no reply I flicked the light switch.

I dropped my bag down in astonishment, closing the door behind me. It was furnished completely with a chocolate brown theme. The first thing I noticed was the run away brown fur rug underneath my feet. It was gigantic it covered just about the whole living room. The sofa was also chocolate brown with beige and white pillows. It was fluffy and I plopped down immediately. It felt like laying on a giant teddy bear and I rolled around happily. There was even a television across from the sofa the only thing coming in between the two was the glass coffee table. That had a venus fly trap plant centered in the middle next to ographic magizines...A little weird and creepy, but it didn't take away from the ambiance of the room. The place was absolutely flawless, spotless, fresh. It was everything I could ask for if it were my own place. 

The kitchen was fully stocked with appliances and food, not only in the fridge, but the pantry as well. I was also surprised to find a microwave and coffee express machine. The water worked so, the first thing I decided to do was take a shower. Even if this was wrong, seeing there was now evidence of someone living here, but I doubt they'd be back anytime soon. So, I took a long hot shower to sooth my muscles and relieve some of the pain that had been afflicted on me. I wrapped my body with the towel from my backpack before proceeding to moisturize my body and clothe myself into my pajamas. It was when I was drying my hair with my towel that I noticed a picture frame on a counter. I picked it up before looking at the image. I dropped it instantly seeing the familiar face whilst gasping. The glass frame cracked and just as I were about to grab my things and leave it was too late.

"Ah, Sujin. Sujin...Breaking and entering? I thought you learned your lesson when you went to juvie." His voice met my ear drums and I turned around to see the blonde haired boy smile now closing the front door behind him as he stepped inside...