[Trigger Warning]: Faint allusions to ual violence in this chapter.

Jin had to go pick up Wonwoo from his class in about two hours, but she was finished with her own classes. She decided to go back to her dorm and maybe find Sena. Since that night when Sena had told her that she had something to say to her, they still had not found the opportunity to talk.

Jin was happy when she came the dorm and found Sena there. Sena was actually studying. It was a strange sight, Jin thought. Jin could not remember the last time that she saw Sena study.

“Hey,” Jin greeted Sena.

“Jin,” Sena turned to Jin and smiled, “is Wonwoo in class?”

“Yes,” Jin replied, “I have to go get him in a bit.”

“He’s having a lot of trouble, isn’t he?” Sena asked sadly.

Jin nodded, and she sat down on a chair beside her, “we need to talk.”

Sena nodded. She closed her books and gave Jin her full attention: “I’m very sorry that we’re drifting apart. I know it’s my fault.”

“No Sena. I’m the one that has been keeping so much from you."

Sena shook her head, “but it’s my responsibility to talk to you. You’re quiet and introverted; I’ve always known that. I noticed that you stopped talking to me, but I didn’t do anything about it. I should have taken the initiative and asked you about all of the crap you were going through. But I didn’t. Instead I made other friends and fell into a lot of trouble with them and now I just feel so..." Sena gulped. Her face went dark: "I feel so dirty.”

“What kind of trouble?” Jin asked curiously.

“So much trouble,” Sena replied, her eyes starting to tear up, “I drink a lot more than I ever did my entire life, that’s one. But that’s not the worse thing. A few weeks ago, something bad happened. I want to tell you, but you have to promise you won’t tell anyone. Not Seokmin, not Wonwoo. Not anyone.”

Jin nodded, eager to hear what Sena was experiencing.

“A few weeks ago, during midterms. I remember it was when you and Seokmin were meeting for something. Anyways, I was drunk, and neither Seokmin nor Wonwoo were with me. Some guy… he…” Sena began to cry. She covered her face with her hands and cried.

Jin understood.

She didn’t know what to do. was open in shock, and her body froze.

“He touched me and…” Sena continued in a muffled voice…

“You don’t have to say it,” Jin told Sena quickly, rubbing her arm comfortingly.

Sena nodded, sniffled and wiped her tears, “I felt so dirty, and ever since then I’ve just been so consumed with alcohol and dancing and clubs and… I failed all of my mid-terms, and I…”

Jin put her arm around Sena and hugged her, feeling a knot in her stomach. She felt so much guilt. How could she not have known about this? How could she have not helped Sena through it? All of her own problems seemed so small and stupid now.

Jin could not imagine how it felt. She just knew that it was traumatic, and that it would never be the same for a woman who has experienced it. Shes heard stories, and she knows that the women who undergo it feel messed up for the rest of their lives.

“I feel so dirty, Jin,” Sena said, “and I needed someone to tell. I can’t tell anyone else. I’m not close to the other girls, and Wonwoo and Seokmin would probably want to beat up the guy. And I know I don’t deserve to talk to you after ignoring you for so long…”

“Sena, don’t say that,” Jin replied, “you’re not dirty, and I was the one that was ignoring you. I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t understand, Jin. You really don’t,” Sena said as tears fell from her eyes, “what motivated all of this… what motivated me going crazy with the drinking. I was so jealous of you, Jin.”

“Me?” Jin asked, confused.

“Seokmin and Wonwoo both prefer you to me, and I just feel like the third wheel when I with you guys sometimes… and I just needed to feel like more than that. So I looked for other friends. I just realized how bad of a friend I was, being jealous of you.”

Jin felt like she knew absolutely nothing about Sena right then. Sena was jealous of her? Jin had always thought it was the other way around, but it wasn’t. It was so weird to think that Sena was the jealous one.

“I’m so sorry, Jin.”

Jin was at a loss for words. She didn’t know what to say. It felt rude to just ignore that that Sena was violated, but at the same time, Jin didn’t know what to say about it.

“That guy… did you report him?” Jin asked.

“No,” Sena said, “I don’t even know his name. I remember what he looked like clearly though. Anyways, I don’t want to report him. If I do, I’ll have to face him again, and I don’t want to do that anymore, Jin. I really don’t. That’s why I don’t want to tell Seokmin or Wonwoo. I know they would respond with anger, and I just don’t want that. If they beat him up, it won’t make me feel better. I just want to forget about it and move on, but it’s so hard to move on from it, Jin.” Sena started crying again.

Jin hugged her friend again, squeezing her tight against her chest.

“I’m sorry,” Sena told Jin, “I’m so sorry for being jealous of you and then turning into such a about it…”

“I stopped talking to you because I was jealous of you,” Jin told Sena, “don’t say these things anymore. Wonwoo and Seokmin don’t prefer me to you either. Why would you even think that?”

“Wonwoo likes Mingyu, doesn’t he?” Sena asked, wiping a tear.

“How did you know?”

“I didn’t,” Sena replied, “I just saw how he looked at him the other day. He told you, and not me. I know he doesn’t trust me, and he’s right not to…”

“Sena, he didn’t tell me. I found out by myself, honest.”

Sena shrugged.

“And Seokmin does not prefer me to you. He likes you, Sena. He wants to date you,” Jin revealed.

“He told you about his late girlfriend right? Well he didn’t tell me anything. He hangs out with you so much, and last time I asked to join you guys, he indirectly told me that he didn’t want me there… I just feel like a stupid idiot among you guys. You’re so close, and I’m just there, drinking, doing drugs, being a …”

“Don’t say that!” Jin said, gritting her teeth, feeling her own self consumed with guilt and sympathy for her friend.

“I love you, Jin,” Sena said, “I love you very much. I wish I was more like you. I wish I were as smart as you, as reliable as you, as trustworthy as you. I wish our friends would confide in me like they do with you. I wish I had a passion for God like you do. I wish I were not so… dirty. I’m so dirty.”

Jin wiped away her own tears and took Sena’s hands in her own, squeezing them supportively, “you’re not dirty, Sena. You’re not.”

Sena sniffled, “I need to get myself together.”

Jin nodded, “I’ll help you, Sena. I’ll tutor you to help you get your grades up. I’ll help you write your papers. And if you want to go out at night, I’ll come with you and stop you from drinking too much…”

Sena smiled at Jin. It seemed like a genuine smile, “I don’t deserve you. Thank you, habibti.”

Habibti was the Arabic term for “my love,” used for lovers, friends and family. Sena used to call Jin that when they were in Jordan, but she had stopped since they came to Korea. It was nice to hear that word again. It brought back memories of their days in Jordan, where they really were the best of friends, and when life was so much simpler.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

Today I learned that I wronged Sena. I was so bitter towards her, but as it turns out, she felt the same towards me.

I learned a lot today. I learned that I know nothing about other people. I learned that even those who I thought were perfect are far from it. I learned that no matter how much I think I am personally lacking, to someone else, I have everything they want.

Sena is pretty. She is confident. She is kind. She is sociable, and everyone loves her. But she is not perfect. Sena was jealous of me. Imagine that. She was jealous of my “smartness,” my “reliability,” my “lovability,” my “purity.”

I never thought she felt that way.

She told me that her jealousy drove her away from me, like mine drove me away from her. We were both simultaneously letting negative feeling repel us from one another. The only difference was that Sena dealt with the jealousy differently. She drank. She found other friends and succumbed to peer pressure. And then things happened that I will not say in this diary in case someone like Vernon gets their hands on it again.

The point is, she feels like her life has going out of control, and I wish I could have known…

I don’t know if this means me and Sena have made up. It’s such a strange way to make up. She made me feel so sorry for her, to the point that I no longer feel like any amount of dislike for her…

But no matter how much a try to conquer that little black dot in my heart, the black dot of jealously: I can’t. I can’t get over the fact that Seokmin likes her in that way, and I can’t get over wishing that he never confesses to her, and that she never accepts.

I'm a terrible friend.

A/N: So I finished my other story, and now I can focus on this more yay.