Mrs. Choi had to leave that night to the airport, and so Vernon had to say goodbye. Although he tried very hard not to cry, he failed. He cried, and eventually let loose and even sobbed. Jin felt like she was intruding watching this scene unfold before her.

After many minutes of Vernon crying on his mother’s shoulder and promising he would visit her over the summer and that he would call her everyday, it came Jin’s turn to say goodbye.

Although Jin did not really know this woman, she also shed tears as she hugged her. Something about her suddenly felt so familiar, and it really did feel like JIn was saying goodbye to a mother.

Jin wondered if she would ever see Mrs. Choi again. Probably not. It was saddening to think so.

Vernon’s mother kissed Jin’s forehead and wished her the best. After one final embrace from Vernon, they finally parted, and Mrs. Choi was off in the hospital van to the airport.

Vernon was still crying. He didn’t even hide it anymore from Jin. He didn’t even wipe his face or try to stop. He looked so broken as he stood on the sidewalk and watched the van take his mother away. Jin really could not imagine the pain he was going through.

They walked back to the hostel quietly. It was dark out, and the streetlights were much too dim for Jin to properly make out Vernon’s expression. But she heard him sniffling.

Every sniffle from him made her feel worse. She longed to do something for him, to comfort him in some way. Without really realizing, she reached out and took his hand in hers. She couldn’t tell his reaction, but she could feel that he opened his hand for her and wrapped it tightly around her own. They walked in the darkness, hand in hand, silently.

It was only when they entered the room that Vernon let go of her hand and went into the bathroom. Jin could hear him washing his face and blowing his nose from inside.

Jin wished she could be to him what Seungcheol had been, a confidant, a person with whom he can talk without feeling embarrassed, without feeling his pride was at stake. Vernon now needed Seungcheol more than ever, and so this must have been doubly painful for him.

He came out a few minutes later in his pajamas. His eyes looked tired and puffy and his nose was red. Jin was glad to see that he had at least stopped crying.

He took a seat on the bed, his back to her as he just sat there for a quiet moment. Jin did not know how to act, but she figured she should do something.

She hesitantly approached him and took a seat beside him. “Cheer up,” she said to him.

“Nothing can cheer me up now, unfortunately,” Vernon replied with a shrug. His voice was scratchy, and the smile he attempted to give did not come through at all.

Jin drew closer to him and sat so that she was right beside him. Out of habit, she leaned in closer and kissed his cheek. She always remembered seeing a hint of a smile on his face whenever she did that, and this time was no different.

“Okay, maybe that cheered me up just a little bit,” he told her, his eyes brightening.

“I’m sorry about all the sadness that you’re going through,” Jin replied, “and I’m sorry if I’m contributing to it…”

Vernon looked at her with a soft yet sad look in his eyes. “Let me tell you straight out that that you are contributing to it,” Vernon told her.

It felt bad to hear him say it. “You’re making me sad.” That’s what he was telling her with that solemn look in his eyes that drove her crazy. Was he guilt-tripping her? Because if he were, it was working.

“Remember when you first agreed to dating me?” Vernon added, “I told you that you can break it off with me and I wouldn’t be heartbroken or anything. Either I lied or a lot has changed since then. I’m actually not sure which it is.”

Heartbroken? That word was even worse than ‘sad.’ Did Jin really ‘break his heart’? She never thought she was capable of ever doing that to someone, because she never imagined that someone would like her enough to be heartbroken because of her.

And yet, here Vernon was claiming that he was.

Jin could tell that Vernon was not trying to guilt-trip her. He didn’t look like he expected anything from her. The way he was looking at her made her feel like he was confessing his heart to her, not making her feel bad for breaking his heart. It was like he was only revealing that he was heartbroken to convey to her, in this twisted, roundabout way, how much he liked her.

But Jin did not take it that way. She felt guilty for how he was feeling, she felt responsible for his pain and felt obliged to fix it.

“I… I take it back,” she said to him hesitantly.

“Take what back?”

“I’ll stay with you,” she told him. She came to that decision on a whim, in her attempt to make him feel better. All of the reasons she had for breaking up with him in the first place were suddenly forgotten, and all that mattered in that one moment is for some of the cheerfulness that was characteristic of him to shine through his now soulless eyes.

He did not look too satisfied though. “Don’t,” he replied, shaking his head, “If you want to give me a second chance, do it because you think I earned it, not because you feel sorry for me.”

Jin was silenced by that. She knew it was true that she felt sorry for him, but was it really pity that was motivating her desire to not leave him? Jin herself was not so sure about that.

Vernon noted the sad expression on her face and said, “don’t feel bad for me. I’m not dying or anything.”

Jin nodded and lifted her head to look at him with a concerned look in her eyes. He was looking back at her. Neither of them blinked, and they maintained this eye contact for many moments too long.

And Jin, not matter how flustered locking eyes like this made her, could not avert her eyes. His gaze was like a magnet to her, she simply could not break this eye contact.

That moment filled her with a raging kind of desire. She wanted to get closer to him; she wanted to kiss him again. She really, really wanted to. It was not because she felt sorry for him; it was because she was attracted to him in this physically and emotional way.  She liked him. No matter how much she tried to tell herself otherwise, it was beyond her control.

Vernon reached out and put a few strands of hair behind her ear, not breaking the eye contact at all. His fingers then caressed her cheek softly, and he started to close the distance between them.

Natural bodily functions sometimes come at you in the worst possible instances, as they did for Jin as she could not suppress the yawn that came out of at that moment. The yawn caused her to close her eyes and therefore break the eye contact, and it also cause Vernon to pull back from whatever he wanted to do.

“Go to sleep,” he said to her, the hand that was on her face withdrawing back to his side. She could tell that he was embarrassed; she was too to be honest. A spontaneous and almost perfect moment like that ruined because of a stupid yawn.

Jin did not want to leave it like that, but she yawned again and figured that God was perhaps telling her to get down from the clouds and stop falling for him.

She stood up, flustered and confused and angry at her body for manifesting its tiredness at the worst possible time.

It was awkward in the room all of the sudden. That fleeting moment instilled so much tension between them. Jin luckily had an excuse to escape the awkwardness for a moment by going into the bathroom, grabbing her bag with her all of her pre-sleep necessities: her pajamas, her toothbrush and her diary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

I still like him. Even thinking about his insults can’t stop me from feeling like I’m missing something because of where I stand with him. I just had a moment with him where I felt this... spark....

I did tell him that I took back what I said about breaking up. I did tell him that I didn’t want to leave him, but he rejected that and told me not to feel sorry for him. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not pity that’s driving me to him. I don’t pity him. I care about him.

What am I supposed to do in this situation? Do I cave into my desires and tell him that I take it all back, and that I want to commit to him and be his girlfriend and be with him despite everything. Or do I wait?

I don’t know what I’m going to do about this. I feel like I don’t have the guts to come out and tell him how I feel about him, and I don’t have the guts to do anything with him.

I also feel like I shouldn’t. Time and time again, Vernon has done things that would have made anyone hate him. He read my diary, teased me, blackmailed me, threatened me, kissed a random girl while he was dating me, insulted my best friend in the worst way… what makes me think he wouldn’t do any of that again? He probably will, and I’m just too head over heels for him to consider any of that when everything in my heart is yelling for me to get back with him.

A/N: i know im taking relatively longer to update this fic im sorry. And im sorry if this chapter and has like zero development. I felt like I was forcing it out of me to give you guys an update and so I wish it less than I think it does ;;