Nayoung called Jin that night. Jin had been nervously waiting for that call, as she was waiting to find out what Vernon did not want her to know.

Instead of telling her, Nayoung asked her to go out to a bar that night. “Seungcheol, Vernon and Aron will be there too too. Vernon said he wanted a drink that night for whatever reason. I think you should come.”

“I don’t like going to bars,” Jin said, refusing the offer, “but thanks.”

“Okay, suit yourself,” Nayoung replied.

“What did you want to tell me?” Jin asked.

“I’ll tell you later; I have to get ready now. See you, love,” she said quickly, and hung up, leaving Jin curious as ever.

-

That night, Jin decided to tell Sena about the trip that they planned. She would leave out the part about reporting Seungcheol right before the trip, because she knew that Sena would not agree to that right away.

It was hard to look at Sena after what happened with Seokmin, but Jin knew she needed to get over it eventually. It would do Sena no good if Jin just moped around regretting it for the rest of her life. She decided to just forget the kiss and forget how it made her feel, and she will tell Seokmin to do the same.

“I met with Seokmin yesterday,” Jin told her, making Sena perk with curiosity. “We planned a trip with the four of us. Seokmin already told me you have no exams or assignments, and so we already booked a ticket for you and…”

“No. I’m not going,” Sena said, making Jin groan. This was going to take some convincing.

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“Jin please, I’ve done a good job distancing myself from Seokmin. I’m not going to ruin that.”

“Seungcheol won’t be there where we’re going. He won’t see you, and so you can do whatever you like.”

“But he will note that both me and Seokmin are absent and connect the dots. And even if he doesn’t, if I spend a lot of time with Seokmin, I won’t be able to resist him. I still like him, Jin.”

Jin fell quiet as the guilt of kissing him came back to her. She swallowed it and kept trying to convince Sena to come: “that’s all the more reason you need to come.”

“No…”

“Just a few days, Sena. Just let it go for a few days. Be with him for a few days, and when you come back, ignore him again…”

Sena shook her head, “that would be cruel to him.”

“Fine, if that won’t convince you, what about this: it’s Wonwoo’s birthday. He would want you to celebrate it there with him.”

“I’ll just get him a gift or something,” Sena said with a shrug.

Jin didn’t know what made her say what she said next. It was probably desperation; she needed Sena to comply or the plan falls apart, and so she capitalized on Sena’s guilt and said: “so you’re going to miss another friend’s birthday?”

Sena looked confused by that statement. She narrowed her eyes, but suddenly her expression changed. It seemed to have clicked in her head what Jin was implying. She looked at her phone, probably to see the date, and then covered in shock. “Oh my God… Jin…”

Jin regretted saying it when she saw Sena’s reaction. She felt so mean for doing it to her, for making her feel bad.

“I’m so sorry, Jin,” Sena said, wide as she came to the realization that she had forgotten her best friend’s birthday.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jin said quickly, “I’m over it, really. It’s been months.”

Sena took a seat and rubbed her forehead. She looked dazed, “I can’t believe I forgot your birthday.”

“Make it up to me and come celebrate Wonwoo’s birthday with us. Please, Sena.”

Sena looked shaken, and the guilt was very apparent in her expression. Jin wished she hadn’t said it and made Sena feel bad. Jin realized in that moment that she had been hurting Sena a lot the past few days: kissing the person she still liked, and now guilt-tripping her into agreeing to go on their excursion when she was too scared to do it.

It worked in the end, though. Sena agreed to go on the trip, even though it looked physically painful for her to do so.

Jin felt like she was psychologically torturing her best friend.

She really was no better than Seungcheol.

-

The following morning, Jin received a text from Nayoung asking to meet her.

They met in a small campus coffee shop.

“Do you like Vernon?” was the first question that Nayoung asked as she was ordering coffee for the both of them.

The question was abrupt and came as quite a surprise for Jin. After considering for a moment, Jin only nodded her head uncertainly. She did like him a lot for sure. It was different than what she felt for Seokmin, but she still liked him… whatever that word meant. There simply was not enough vocabulary in language to be able to properly articulate what she felt for Vernon in comparison to Seokmin.

“Do you think Vernon likes you more than you like him?” Nayoung asked, which was yet another question that stumped Jin.

“I don’t know,” Jin replied with a shrug.

At this point, they had finished ordering and had sat down on a table. Nayoung continued with her awkward interrogation that Jin wished would end. She hated questions that made her talk about her feelings.

“Would it bother you if Vernon kisses another girl?” Nayoung asked her, eyeing her curiously.

There she went with those questions again. Jin hesitated. She didn’t really have right to be bothered given that she herself did it, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t be.

Nayoung didn’t wait for Jin’s response; she seemed to already know the answer. Instead, she looked through her phone while explaining: “I feel like I have a duty to you as a girl. We girls need to look out for each other, which is why I’m showing you this. Yesterday, we went to a bar, and Vernon had a lot to drink. Here’s the aftermath,” Nayoung handed Jin her phone.

Vernon was with a girl, and he was kissing her.

It would be a lie to say that it didn’t hurt. She didn’t have the right to be hurt because she did the same thing, but it still hurt. Jin stared at the picture blankly and blinked.

“I’m sorry, love,” Nayoung said sympathetically. “Vernon would kill me if he knew I showed you, but I wasn’t going to let his jerk moves go unexposed.”

“It’s okay,” Jin said after swallowing the hurt and repressing any sign of it from manifesting in her expression, “our relationship isn’t a committed one anyways. He made that very clear.”

Nayoung nodded. Jin returned Nayoung’s phone to her.

“You know, Vernon confuses the hell out of me sometimes,” Nayoung said with a groan. “Just yesterday he was going on about how he was going to ask you to be his girlfriend, and now he’s going around kissing other girls…”

Jin narrowed her eyes. “Wait… what?”

“Oh yeah, that’s what I had wanted to tell you before. Vernon told us that he was going to ask you yesterday, but right before the date he texted us saying that he changed his mind. He wouldn’t tell me why he changed his mind though, and I’m bitter about that. And Vernon would kill me if I told you, but I always take the girl’s side.”

Jin felt her heart sink as she processed what Nayoung was telling her. Vernon wanted to asked her to be in a committed relationship… but didn’t. Jin knew all too well the reason he didn’t.

“Did something happen before the date that stopped him from asking you?” Nayoung asked Jin.

Jin nodded. “I told him I kissed someone else,” she admitted shamefully.

“Oh,” Nayoung said, looking kind of surprised, “it makes so much more sense now.”

Jin looked down at her hands shamefully. It was then that the barista called out their names to get their coffee.

“I’ll get it,” Nayoung said as she got up to bring the cups.

Jin really felt like writing in her diary then, but she couldn’t do that while she was with Nayoung. Her thoughts were a mess after everything she learned now, and she needed time alone to organize them.

Nayoung handed Jin her cup and asked Jin another hard question: “do you have feelings for the guy that you kissed?”

“For a very long time, yes,” Jin admitted to Nayoung. She didn’t really know why she found it so easy to expose her heart to this girl that she barely knew. She was telling her these things without much hesitation, and actually trusting her with them, trusting that she would not tell Vernon or Seungcheol or anyone else for that matter.

“I see,” Nayoung said silently, “and Vernon knows this?”

“He does,” Jin revealed.

“Let me guess, when you told him you kissed another guy, he acted like he didn’t care?” Nayoung asked.

Jin nodded, and Nayoung rolled her eyes.

“He definitely cared,” Nayoung revealed to Jin, confirming her suspicions and making Jin feel horrible about what she had done again. “I know he likes you a lot,” Nayoung continued, “more than any other girl I’ve seen him with. He talks about you like you’re the most precious thing in the world to him, you know? And when Aron and Baekho about how crazy he is about you, he does not even deny it.”

What?

“Well, I think I’ve said all I wanted to say. I hope things work out for you,” Nayoung told her with a polite smile. She then stood up to leave.

Jin also stood and bowed to let her off.

“Oh, and … one more thing,” Nayoung said before leaving, “don’t tell him I told you any of this please.”

Jin nodded. When Nayoung was out of sight, Jin felt this overwhelming feeling of regret wash over her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

I just learned a few things about Vernon. And right now I feel hurt and flattered and surprised and guilty and stupid all at the same time.

Nayoung showed me a picture of Vernon when he was out last night. He got drunk and ended up with another girl. He was kissing and holding her. When I saw it, I was really hurt by it. And I know I did them exact same thing and I let it go even farther and I was not even drunk, but I still felt bitter and resentful of him. I felt like I was nothing to him, that I was just part of a game he played with so many other girls. It bothered me so much.

But then Nayoung revealed other things. She told me he wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend before the date yesterday, in the same time I told him I kissed Seokmin. He didn’t in the end, probably because I told him about Seokmin. He acted like he didn’t care, but he did; he wanted to turn the relationship a committed one, but he didn’t because I couldn’t commit.

If I had not kissed Seokmin, and if Vernon asked me to be his girlfriend, would I have said yes? I think I would have. Actually, I’m sure I would have. I do like him enough to commit to him.

I’m just so angry with myself.

So he was hurt by my betrayal, but he just pretended that he wasn’t by brushing it off as no big deal. He also probably did it so that I wouldn’t feel bad. It worked. I did feel less bad about it when I saw his reaction, but now it’s coming back to haunt me. I’m so sorry, Vernon.

Nayoung also told me that he talks so highly of me, and that he doesn’t even deny that he’s “crazy” about me. I was so surprised when she told me, because I could have never guessed it myself with how much he hides of himself in front of me. He’s so difficult to read.

And now that I know all of this, his behavior during yesterday’s date makes so much more sense. He couldn’t ask me to be his girlfriend because I kissed another guy, and then he got the phone call about his mother transferring to another hospital. So many blows all at once. Small wonder he was acting strange.

I guess he was kind of angry and sad altogether because of me, which is why he went to the bar and why he kissed the girl like that. I really want to confront him about it and tell him I don’t want him to do it, but that’s so unfair to him given what I did. I don’t have the right to be angry with him. I can’t help it though.

I’m very thankful to Nayoung for telling me all of this. I know a lot more about where I stand with Vernon because of her. She told me not to tell him what I know, and I will honor that request for her.

It bothers me that someone like her is with Seungcheol. She said she told me all of this because she’s always on the side of the girls, and that girls need to look out for each other. And I feel like I have to do the same for her. Her boyfriend is a terrible person, a criminal, and she needs to leave him. But I can’t tell her straight out what happened, because she will confront him about it, and he will know I told her. He already suspects me.

I’m worried about Sena too. Would he do something to her now that he suspects she told me?

Dear God, please protect her.

A/N: keep streaming Carats!!!!!