Mid-terms were here, and Jin, being the studious person that she was, would not catch a break. She spent all of her free time on her studies, not even taking a break to eat. She brought books with her to lunch and dinner. She isolated herself from her friends, much to their annoyance. Seokmin, Wonwoo and Sena begged her to put her books down for one hour, but she said she needed to study or she would fall behind.

She spent Friday night studying, only sleeping at 3 AM. She woke up the following day planning to sit down and study. Sena had gone out that weekend to spend the weekend in Gangnam with a bunch of her other friends, the really pretty and popular ones. Jin thought it was a perfect opportunity to sit and work with zero distraction.

She checked her phone for the time, and instead noticed two unread messages. The first was from Mingyu, the then there was another from Seokmin.

Mingyu: Hey Demon! Wanna go to dinner tonight? There’s this Arab cuisine place that I’ve always wanted to try and since you lived in Jordan you can probably tell me what’s what. What do you say?

Seokmin: JINNNNNIIIEEE JIN I COMMAND YOU TO HANG OUT WITH ME TODAY. THAT IS AN ORDER. NO EXCUSES. IF YOU TELL ME YOU HAVE “STUDYING” TO DO OR WHATEVER I WILL MARCH OVER TO YOUR ROOM AND BURN ALL YOUR BOOKS. WE HAVENT HUNG OUT IN LIKE WEEKS.

It was true. They had stopped hanging out for a while now, mostly because it was mid-semester, and all the work had been piling up for the both of them. They had also stopped texting like they usually did. Something of a rift had been forming between them. It was sad for Jin because she liked him, but she hadn’t really let herself stress over it now with mid-terms in the air.

She had planned to study that day, but she decided that she would take a break for just this day. She just really wanted to hang out with Seokmin, to restore their old relationship, to just talk to him and be alone with him for a while.

As for Mingyu… if she had to choose between Mingyu and Seokmin, she would definitely go with Seokmin. Plus she didn’t want to do anything with Mingyu without telling Wonwoo first.

To Mingyu, she responded, hey mingyu! Today I have plans with someone else, sorry! maybe some other time? After she sent it, she decided she should probably send another message, just to make things clear in the off chance that they weren’t, and to create an opportunity for Mingyu and Wonwoo to meet: I actually have a friend who had always wanted to try Arab cuisine, maybe he could tag along if we do this some time soon?

Mingyu responded in a minute with: okay, no worries :)

She then went on to text Seokmin: I’ll come…

Seokmin responded almost immediately with: GASP. Is the nerdy Jin REALLY going to be separated from her books for an entire day???

J: Who said it’s an entire day????? I thought it was just lunch.

S: NOOO. You get your tush in here right now and you aren’t leaving until like midnight.

J: why would you want the entire day to hang out with me?

S: cuz I want to. I also need to get you off the books for a sufficient amount of time so you could just breathe

J: I’ll stay for a day but I’ll bring books

S: And I’ll burn them

J: -.-

S: seriously, no books allowed.

J: What the hell will we do for like 12 hours?

S: idk. Come, I’m waiting.

J: fine…

Jin still brought books with her; she knew she would use them at least once throughout the day. Seokmin would probably scowl at her, but he was being unreasonable saying they would always have something to do for 12 hours.

She found that while getting ready, she was spending more time than usual. She looked at the mirror for longer, and even tried to do something with her hair. She usually just had it down all the time, but this time, she tried a high ponytail. She also chose not to wear a T-shirt like usual, and went for a more feminine shirt. She also pulled on the sweater that Seokmin gave her because it was cold.

She noticed Sena’s make-up on the table. She was tempted to put on eyeliner but realized that it would then probably be too obvious that she was being more attentive with her looks. She wanted him to notice something different about her, but not to notice she was trying to impress him.

She felt like a schoolgirl with a crush, sheepishly doing things to impress the guy she liked, trying to get a good word out of him. She hated how she was falling so easily to this kind of thing. It felt shameless.

She tried to push the negative thoughts away, and reveled in the prospect of seeing Seokmin and spending time with him. It had been far too long, and she looked most ever forward to it.

When she finally arrived at his door, she patted over he hair one last time and knocked. A moment later, she heard Seokmin’s voice say: “give me a minute!”

The moment after that, someone four doors down opened turned the doorknob. It was at that very moment that Jin recalled who it was that lived four doors down from Seokmin; Seokmin had told her the first time she went over.

Vernon came through the door of his room. Jin’s eyes widened, and she turned at an angle away from him, praying dearly that he would not notice her.

“Oh hello there, Frostbite,” Vernon said to her, and Jin tried her absolute best to remain composed, “visiting SeokSeok are you?” He winked.

Jin wanted to die. It was so embarrassing. Vernon knew about her feelings for Seokmin, and now he was mocking her.

He walked a few steps closer and rested his back against the wall beside her, “you look cuter than usual. Loving the ponytail.”

“Go away,” she said, wishing to God that he would just disappear.

“Give me a kiss on the cheek, and I’ll leave?” he said. She frowned. “Oh come on!” he encouraged, putting his cheek closer and pointing to it with his finger.

She felt like slapping him, but took a deep breath and held it in.

Just then, Seokmin opened the door with a smile on his face. The smile faded as soon as he saw Vernon there.

“Get lost,” Seokmin frowned.

Vernon grinned, “okay. Have fun on your little date!” he sneered. Jin could not believe he said that. She turned bright red and dashed into Seokmin’s room.

Seokmin closed the door behind him.

“Jerk,” Seokmin muttered under his breath, “what did he say to you?”

“He was just being annoying,” Jin told him quickly.

“If he keeps bugging you…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jin said quickly, brushing it all off. She did not want to talk about Vernon with Seokmin.

She quickly tried to change the subject: “so have you been studying for mid-terms?”

“Not nearly as much as you,” he laughed.

She sat down on his bed and put her back against the wall, “I think you should study more.”

“Meh,” he replied with a shrug. He took a seat in front of Jin in his bed and said: “we need to talk by the way.”

“Talk about what?”

“You haven’t been yourself lately. What is bothering you? Tell me.”

Jin felt like she was on the spot all of the sudden. Seokmin looked so sincere, and Jin did not want to lie in response to that. But she also did not want to tell him the full truth of it all. The part about all of her secrets (including her love for him) being known to the biggest in the school.

“There’s a lot that’s been happening,” Jin said, “I’m surprised you noticed. I thought I was good at hiding my emotions.”

“You are, but I’m better at discerning them. Now tell me what’s up. Is it Sena?”

“She’s part of it. I just feel kind of distant from her nowadays. I’m kind of over the jealousy, but I don’t know. It’s just not the same as it used to be between me and her. I can’t tell her everything like I used to.”

“You should talk to her then,” Seokmin suggested, “really, talk to her. Tell her how you feel. She loves you like a sister, Jin. She would do anything for you.”

“The thing is, I don’t want her to do anything or to change. She’s a perfect friend. She doesn’t need to do anything to fix this. It’s my fault. I’m the one who’s causing this.”

“It’s not your fault. These things happen between friends. It’s just a phase. It will pass,” Seokmin reassured.

Jin nodded hopefully.

“What else has been bothering you?” Seokmin asked.

After considering it, Jin decided to tell him part of the truth: “someone read my diary.”

Seokmin did not react the way she expected. He looked indifferent, as if he didn’t really recognize how important this was for her.

“What was in your diary?” he asked apathetically.

“Everything about me,” Jin responded, “someone read it.”

“Anything bad?”

“No… I mean… well…” he didn’t understand. Seokmin just did not know how important it was for her diary to stay her own, and for no one to read it. The fact he was acting like this was nothing was kind of upsetting for her.

“If there’s nothing bad, then there’s nothing to worry about,” Seokmin told her, as if that was comforting in the least bit. She fell silent. She didn’t want to let him know just how hard it was when it happened. She didn’t want to make him understand. But it did hurt the way he implied that her feelings were ungrounded.

He didn’t understand. He just didn’t understand.

“What else?” he asked, quickly moving on from what was to Jin one of the most distressing things that had ever happened to her.

Jin shrugged, “that’s it really.”

Seokmin nodded, “it’s all no big deal,” Seokmin said comfortingly, “you’ll be okay.”

Jin nodded, pretending that she absorbed the comfort he offered, although it was much less comforting than it was upsetting.

“Now I have something to tell you,” Seokmin said. He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes, letting Jin know it was serious.

Jin shifted, feeling kind of uncomfortable with the eye contact.

After a slight pause, he said, “I want to finally confess to Sena.”

Jin’s heart stopped. After the initial shock, she quickly recognized the need to pretend to be happy. She smiled at him and gave him two thumbs up. She hoped she was not too obviously overreacting, and that her smile was not too fake.

“I think Sena has established that you don’t have any feelings for me,” Seokmin added, and it felt like an invisible spear had just been jutted through her chest, “and so I think I’m ready to take the next step.”

It was hard to keep a smiling face, to hide how much it hurt. Just when she had started to get over the jealousy, there it was: crawling up at her again, taunting her and making her hate herself.

“It’s about time!” she continued to pretend.

Seokmin studied her for a while, and Jin feared that he had seen right through her.

“Would it be awkward for you?” he asked, “if me and Sena date, that is?”

“No, not at all!” Jin said, and she had a feeling she was overreacting, “I’ve been waiting for this actually. I’m sure she’ll accept you. You two would make such a cute couple!”

Seokmin nodded, “we would. But the more I think about it, the more I feel nervous. Maybe I’ll confess after mid-terms…”

Jin tried to look encouraging.

“Jin, do you like anyone?” Seokmin suddenly asked, “not as in someone to put in your list of crushes, but as in having legit feelings for someone?”

You.

“No,” Jin told him. She thought she sounded convincing enough.

“Are you talking to any guy? Besides me and Wonwoo?”

“No,” Jin repeated.

Seokmin raised an eyebrow: “What about Mingyu?”

Jin’s eyes widened. “How did you know about that?”

“So you are talking to him!” Seokmin said, pointing at her as if he had just caught her red-handed.

“I texted him like twice,” Jin explained, “That’s it. There’s nothing else.”

Seokmin did not look satisfied, “oh yeah, show me your messages.”

Jin did not understand why Seokmin was making so many assumptions about her relationship with Mingyu, and she did not appreciate how Seokmin was prying into her privacy like that.

“How did you know?” Jin asked him.

“Honestly, I found the piece of paper with his number when we had lunch in your dorm the other day. I then called the number, and talked to him. He likes you.”

Jin felt invaded. She was so angry all of the sudden. It was like nothing was hers anymore. Vernon had taken over her diary, and now Seokmin was prying into her relationship with boys. She could not believe he actually did that. Didn’t he understand that she liked privacy? Didn’t he know at least that much about her?

All of the negativity culminated in her in that moment. This visit had been a disaster. First, Vernon had mocked her. Then Seokmin had trivialized the fact she had lost her diary. Then he revealed he was going to confess to Sena, and now he had revealed that he had invaded her privacy and interfered with her relationship with Mingyu, and perhaps encouraged him. She was angry. She rarely ever is so outwardly angry, but she was pushed to the limit.

“I’m leaving,” she told Seokmin all of the sudden. She started to climb down from his bed.

He looked surprised at the reaction. He grabbed her arm, “why?”

“You had no right to do that,” she told him firmly. It was the first time she had ever used that tone of voice with him, and he looked very startled.

“Are you angry?”

“Yes,” she affirmed. She pulled her arm away from him and grabbed her bag.

“I just wanted to help you find someone to date,” he explained, “I thought…”

“You thought wrong,” she told him, raising her voice, “I’m sorry, I just need time alone.”

He grabbed her arm again, “please, just let’s talk this out,” he told her, “don’t leave like this.”

“I can’t stand being here anymore,” she said. She felt like she was about to cry, but she tried to hold it in. She couldn’t break in front of him now. She needed to stay angry. She wanted him to understand why what he did was wrong; she didn’t want his sympathy. If she cried, that’s exactly what she would get. She needed to get out of that room as soon as possible before she burst into tears.

He tried grabbing her arm and pleading her to talk to him, but she pushed him away and walked right out the door, explicitly asking him not to follow her. He didn’t. When she was sure that he wasn’t after her, she let herself burst.

She walked quickly back to her room, avoiding eye contact with anyone who saw her on the way.

Vernon was one of those who she encountered on the way, but surprisingly, he did not say nor do anything about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

Today was the worst possible day in every single way imaginable. I went to Seokmin’s dorm, and it honestly could not have gone worse. For one, before I entered, I had Vernon mock me. Then I told Seokmin I lost my diary and he treated that like it was nothing. Then he told me he was going to confess to Sena, and later he told me that he found Mingyu’s number in my dorm and called him to see what kind of relationship I had with him…

I’m so disappointed. I’m so angry. I’m so sad. I feel like this is the lowest I have ever felt this semester. Somehow it’s a greater blow to my heart then it was when I first found out that Vernon had my diary.

I guess I just expected better of Seokmin. Maybe I’m overreacting because my heart broke when he told me that he would confess to Sena.

I should apologize for over-reacting.

No, I shouldn’t. He was wrong to do it.

But he didn’t mean it… I’m sure he thought he was helping…

Or maybe he was just doing it to help himself. If I date, then that would mean that Sena does not have me as a reason to reject him. That seems highly plausible to me. I am just dirt to everyone after all.

Whatever it was, he was wrong. And I’m not apologizing.

I’m so disappointed in him.

And I hate that I love him so much in spite of it. I hate that I want to be Sena, just so that he could desire me like he does Sena.

I was so heartbroken when he told me his plans to confess. The thought of them together breaks me more than anything ever has, even more than it broke me to know that someone had read my diary.

Dear God, please don’t let me experience this heartbreak. Just the prospect of it depresses me; I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it if it actually happens.

A/N: Again, sorry for the relative lateness, but hey, at least this chapter was long. I'm still in the middle of finals, and so it might take a week to update next. Thanks for the patience!