I think I like you too.

When Jin saw the text from Seokmin, she immediately deleted it. Sena could not possibly see it. It would hurt her so much.

The confession from Seokmin did not make Jin as happy as she probably should be. It made her nervous. It made her guilty, and it confused her so much. What was Seokmin doing to her? How could he just come at her out of no where, in the worst possible time, and tell her he liked her and kiss her like he did?

I just added to the list of things we need to resolve in our trip… he added a minute later.

Jin felt like she was going crazy.

Jin… answer me please.

Jin couldn’t find it in herself to make her fingers type out a reply to him. She didn’t know what to say. Her mind was almost completely blank when it came to him, and all she could think about was Sena and Vernon.

When Sena came back to the dorm after a counseling session, she was smiling. Seeing her after kissing Seokmin like that was almost painful for JIn. She could almost physically feel her chest ache.

Jin tried to act normal with Sena. She wasn’t going to admit her mistake. She was not going to tell her anything at all. Sena already had enough to make her feel bad, and Jin really could not think of adding this betrayal to it.

-

That night, Jin received a text from Vernon. Frostbite! About tomorrow’s date: I’ll pick you up at 4:00 and we’ll meet Seungcheol and Nayoung at the bus stop and go bowling~

Jin would not tell Sena about the betrayal, but she was certainly going to tell Vernon; Vernon could take a betrayal, and Sena couldn’t.

She texted him back saying she needed to tell him something important.

After a couple more exchanges, they made the plan that Vernon would come to her an hour before the date the next day.

When the next day came, Jin felt extremely nervous about admitting her guilt to him.

She did not know what to expect. How would he react? Would he get angry? Would he be sad? Jin could not imagine that he would be sad, but she could imagine that he would be very spiteful. Jin had already internalized that the relationship was more or less over. It couldn’t really carry on after what she did, and for some strange reason, she was regretful. It was over before it really had the chance to be anything, and all because she was too weak to say no to Seokmin.

They met outside of Jin’s building. He greeted her with his usual friendly “Hey Frostbite!” Jin saw that she was also dressed up for the date, wearing a collared shirt and looking quite nice. She felt guilty as she came down in her typical jeans and t-shirt outfit.

They settled on one of the benches outside of her building. Jin’s heart was beating out of control; she knew that whatever would come out of this conversation would not be good for her, and she wasn’t very ready to face him with the truth.

“You’re making me uneasy!” he said to her, “why do you look so sulky?”

She tried to smile to cover the sulkiness, but she could tell it came out extremely fake.

“Okay, I’m eager to know now,” he said. “What did you want to tell me?” He looked at her expectantly. He didn’t seem to expect anything bad or serious; on the contrary: he actually looked more cheerful than usual.

She stood up from the bench and bowed to him. When she stood upright, she admitted it, without beating around the bush: “Yesterday I was with Seokmin and he kissed me. I was too weak to stop him, or even to avoid kissing him back.”

The cheerfulness in his face was definitely gone. There was moment of disappointed shock very apparent in his expression, but it didn’t last very long. He didn’t seem angry at all; as a matter of fact, he smirked and said: “congratulations, Frostbite.”

“What?”

“You like him, right? And I’m guessing the kiss means that he finally realized he liked you too. Took him long enough” Vernon replied with an amused huff.

Jin could not articulate any words to say. Why didn’t he seem angry? Not even that sad? He took it so nonchalantly…

“Oh well. It for me though,” Vernon replied with a casual shrug. “I guess you’re here to tell me that you don’t want to go out anymore?” Vernon looked at her questioningly, waiting for her answer.

But no, that was not what she wanted to tell him at all. She felt put on the spot all of the sudden. Was he giving her the final decision about whether or not they would go out? Was he asking her to end it with him?

Vernon raised an eyebrow when she said nothing.

“I… don’t understand,” Jin said quickly. She sat back down beside him and turned to him curiously, “you’re not angry?”

Vernon also looked confused at her question, as if it was so ridiculous suggesting that he would be angry.

“I don’t understand,” Jin repeated, shaking her head.

“I think I know what’s going on here,” Vernon said nonchalantly. “I’ll ask you another question then, Frostbite. Did you ever consider me a boyfriend?”

Jin blushed at the question, but shook her head. She had never used that term to describe what he was to her.

“And I never thought of you as a girlfriend either,” Vernon continued, “just a girl I’m seeing that I think is cute and I kinda like. We’re seeing each other; we’re not in any kind of committed relationship or anything. I thought I made that clear in the beginning, but apparently not. Sorry about that.”

“Oh…” Jin said, feeling kind of stupid.

“So don’t worry, you’re not cheating. And no, I’m not angry. You can kiss him all you like,” Vernon told her with a shrug.

“I see,” she said softly.

“So, are you going on this date or not?” Vernon asked her. He did not really seem to care about whether she said yes or no.

She felt silenced for some reason. And stupid. She didn’t answer the question.

Vernon waited for her answer, but when she didn’t, he asked another question: “okay, let me rephrase: do you want to be in a relationship with him?”

That was a much easier question to answer: “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because of Sena.”

Vernon nodded in understanding. “That’s really messy situation you're in,” he said, quite amused. “And I’ll make it even messier for you by asking you to to keep going out with me in this non-committal kind of way. What do you say?”

She took a moment to think, but then nodded her head in agreement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

I told Vernon the truth, and he reacted in a most unexpected way. And I don’t even know how to feel about the way he reacted.

He told me it was okay that I did what I with Seokmin, and that I wasn’t cheating, and that this whole dating thing that we had was “non-committal” or whatever. I guess I was relieved to know that what I thought was a betrayal actually was not a betrayal at all.

I felt stupid and embarrassed for thinking that he actually cared that I kissed Seokmin. I don’t know why I did. I don’t even know why I didn’t even consider that he would react this way. Of course he would. He probably kissed four girls since I agreed to date him himself.

To be honest, his reaction actually bothered me. I want him to care that I kissed Seokmin. I want him to be mad at me. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I feel some uncomfortable knot in my heart ever since the conversation I had with him. I feel uncomfortable about dating him if dating is “non-committal,” as he put it.

I just couldn’t help but feel like this dating thing has just been a game for him. It was not like that for me, and I don’t want it to be just a game. And I’m finding it so difficult to reconcile what he’s saying now to what he said in the last date when he told me he liked me. To like someone… doesn’t it mean that it would bother you if they kiss someone else? Why didn’t he seem bothered at all if he liked me? Or am I completely misunderstanding what he meant by “like”?

I should stop thinking about it. I don’t think I have the right to complain about anything after what I did. Anyways, he’s waiting for me now. I have to go on this stupid double date and pretend I don’t hate Seungcheol. Sena doesn’t know that I’m doing this, but I’d rather not tell her.

I can’t wait until it’s over. I feel like even Vernon won't make it better.

A/N: so the good news is that writer’s block is more or less over yay.