46

Illiana

Please understand why I am doing this!

It had been 2 weeks now, when Suzy said those things. I still needed to figure out what I was going to do.
Strangely enough my headaches were gone, or I grew numb to them. I couldn't remember and when I tried I just blocked, it didn't go further.
In the meantime something very weird happened with our neighbours. When I passed one of them, they would drop a piece of paper. It was weird. I knew every single one of their names now. They were like a group, refused to tell their group name though and kept calling someone the maknae. I knew Heechul, Hangeng, Leeteuk, Donghae, Eunhyuk and Sungmin. There were others too in another apartment that was called 2, apparently my neighbours were in 1 and there was a smaller one that was called three where Henry, Siwon and Shindong lived. In 2 were Zhoumi, Yesung, Ryeowook, Kibum, Kangin and the maknae. Everyone refused to call him by his name. Donghae and Sungmin were the most subtle to distribute papers. Donghae and Sungmin would leave notes too. The others didn’t. Sungmin had left me this hoodie too, smelled like chocolate chipcookies. I kept on running after them to give them back, but they were pretty fast. Henry stopped when he "lost" his piece. I didn't expect it and bumped into him. He smelled like the chocolate chip cookies, I bluntly asked him, if he was the one. He just stood there, blinking at me, staring like I've said the stupidiest thing in the world.

But he smelled like the hoodie, why wouldn't it be him? He never answered the question he just said -look for the one with the eyes.- What was that suppose to mean?

One evening I sat on my bed with all the pieces spread out. It was so weird. I had a nose, lips, 2 hands, etc. But I didn’t have the eyes and after I got every aspect of a body except for the eyes. I was just staring at them. 

The answer was why? Why would they do something like this. I was turning a piece in my hand, suddenly I noticed. All the pieces were from one picture. I never actually put them all together I just kept them in a box. I didn’t know why off all nights why I had the urge to lay them all open

I started to puzzle. Lips, neck, body, arms, hands, legs. I went back to the top. Nose, hair, forehead. I got almost a whole person in front of me. Except for the eyes.

Who was this person? Somehow he looked awfully familiar. With tape I put it all together, it was like fixing some kind of ripped poster. I took the notes.

A drawing of a hairpin, should I know this?. The word, wolf, Why? My wolf dreams were almost over, except for one who kept returning were Ethan shot the wolf. Lucas’ hat that gave me creepy feeling everytime he wore it and the last weeks that was a lot. Like every opportunity he got. Than I got this paper airplane. I really didn’t get it what the connection was with the eyeless guy infront of me

My mind wasn’t really on figuring out why they did it. Weird neighbours, yet caring and sweet. It confused me more and more and Lucas telling me to let it come to me but carefully, I mustn’t overdo it. I didn’t want to think about it. I took the laptop from the ground and began to book my flight to Kenya. Where my mother was. I called her last night asking her for help. She actually said something smart for once. That I needed an escape, something that would take my mind of all things.

She was right though, I had been here for too long, I didn’t feel happy, Suzy became more distant, Lucas had his secrets, Mrs Jung well Mrs Jung was Mrs Jung  a mother I would never have but I wanted one like her. But I just wanted to feel like myself again. Therefore I had to go back to the beginning, to where it all started. I had to didn't I? 

I looked at the screen the first flight from here was in two days. Two days wasn't a lot of time to prepare my brother that I was leaving him. I wasn't planning on taking him with me, I didn't want a repeat of Congo. No, Lucas had to stay here with MRs Jung and Suzy, he would be fine here, better than in Africa and as soon as I figured out everything I would be on the first plane home. 

"What would you do?" I asked my puzzle. "What would you do? Would you go or stay if you were me?"

I carefully picked up my taped puzzle and hang it on the the wall. if only I had the eyes. I traced his hand letting my fingers glide over his, somehow I felt warm and save doing that.

"You would stay, wouldn't you?"

"Why do I feel like this? You make me feel save, like nothing is going to happen when you're there. I feel like I know you. Like really know you." 

"I want you to be real, to hold me, to say I'm wrong about leaving. Maybe if you would be real I could stay." 

"But you are not real, you're just a picture. You might be a real person, but you're not here." I pulled back my hand and returned to my bed where the laptop was.

"Lu? Where are you?" It was 8am in the morning, Lucas came out of his room half a sleep.

"Present" He waved one hand in the air the other one he used for rubbing in his eyes.

"Good, I need to talk to you."

"Oh, have you figured it out?" He smiled.

"Figured what out?" I said confused.

"What they are trying to tell you?" 

"they?"

"The neighbours, with the notes and the pieces of papers?" He raised his eyebrow.I sat down in the couch taking a cushion on my lap.

"euh... That, no I didn't. That's not what I wanted to talk about to you."

"Oka--ay, what's up?" He plumped down next to me in the couch.

"This is so hard for me to tell you, and I don't want you to hate me, but you will."

"Sis?"

"You know I've been stuggling and lately I've been bringing every one more and more trouble."

"Where is this going?" 

"Lu, I...I'm ... I'm leaving."

"to get breakfast, lunch and dinner? Why are you telling me for."

I shook my head "I'm leaving. Like really leaving."

"Ok, where to? You know you always have to have somebody with you."

"Lu, I'm not staying here, I'm going back to Africa."

His eyes changed in pure horror. "YOU'RE WHAT? NO."

"Lucas, please understand why I am doing this."

"NO YOU'RE NOT LEAVING. I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THERE"

"You don't have to." I whispered

"You're leaving me behind as well?" I nodded slowly.

"NO, If you leave, you'll be like mom. I thought you were diffirent but you are just the same."

"What's all the fuss about?" Suzy came out of her room.

"SHE'S LEAVING" My brother yelled. 

"YOU'RE WHAT?" Suzy came to me. "WHY? WHERE TO?"

"Because I've been a burden to you all and I need an escape from all of this. I need to go back to a place where I can think, where I can be alone. I need to go to Africa."

"Li. What are you talking about?"

"I just need to get away, don't you get that?"

"I don't actually. Why would you want to go back there?"

"Because it's quiet there, I almost have all my memories back except for that one person. I can't stay here."

"Why?"

"Because I don't feel like myself here, I'm just half the person I was. I don't feel happy and I want to be me again."

"You are just like mom." Lucas mumbled.

"i'm not, I'm coming back, I promise. But i need this." 

"Mom said she was coming back too. I never saw her coming bacl instead she took us with her. At least Africa was a good thing for something. It brought you back to your old self. I thought you would stay, you would not leave me."

"Wait, you're leaving him behind?" Suzy said confused. I nodded. "ARE YOU CRAZY?"

I didn't answer that.

"Li? You're out of your mind do you know that? I'm not listening to this."

Mrs Jung came in the room. "What is all the fuss about, I had a late meeting last night ans was planning on sleeping a little longer."

"SHE'S LEAVING" Lucas and Suzy yelled at the same moment. Lucas stood up and slammed the door of his bedroom.

"Illiana-honey, have you thought this through? What about Lucas?" I opened my mouth but Suzy spoke first.

"One part she did think through, She's leaving her brother with us." Suzy said mad like I wasn't in the room. Suzy went to her own bedroom and threw the door shut.

Only Mrs Jung and I were in the living room. Mrs Jung took Lucas' previous place.

"Illiana, are you sure you want to this?"

"I don't know what else to do, I don't feel like myself, I don't feel happy here and I want an escape to think a couple of things through." I looked at her, I felt a tear leaving my left eyes. 

"Ooh, dear, come here" Mrs Jung took me in an embrace. "If you think that is the best thing you can do. Than you have to do it."

"Will you take care of Lucas?"

"I will" Mrs Jung patted my bag "But you have to come back, when you feel right. Lucas needs his sister."

"I know, and I will but I can't take care of him, if I'm not feeling alright."

"Ok, than when are planning on leaving?" Mrs Jung pulled out of the embrace and looked at me.

"Tomorrow?" 

"YAH, Illiana, you don't give us much time do you?" 

"I'm sorry, I booked it yesterday."

"Well than we have to have a big dinner tonight."

Suzy ignored me the rest of the morning and Lucas went outside, probably because he didn't want to see me. Mrs Jung had already headed out to work. So the apartment had a very quiet atmosphere, like someone died or something.

There were knocks on the door, very impatient ones. I went out of my room to open the door. Suzy was already  there opening the door.

"Suzy?"

"Kibum? ì thought you were forbidden to see me?"

"I am. You're not mad anymore?"

"No. What are you doing here? What's all the rush about?"

"Keep Illiana inside, whatever happens, keep her inside."

"Why does this sound like I'm never going to see you again?"

"Because there are chances you won't."

"Why? What's going on?"

"I'll explain later, if I can but for now, know that I love you." Kibum pulled Suzy closer and kissed her. Than pulled back and whispered something.

A somewhat confused and flustered Suzy, came back inside. "you" she pointed at me "stay inside." Than she went back to ignoring me and the telivision.