43

Illiana

Old Habits Don't Die

PREVIOUSLY IN THE STRANGER NEXT DOOR

“You’re absolutely positively sure that it was Illiana?” Sungmin nodded. “I need a drink” she walked to the kitchen.

“Mrs Jung?”

“Calm down Sungmin-shi, I’m just getting some water that’s all. I highly doubt that Suzy or Illiana would have alcohol here.”

----- (29) Lucas - Illiana, my sister

Mrs Jung's technique worked but it didn't remove all the stinging in my head. I still had a headache, but now just a light one. When I went into the living room Suzy disappeared again.

“Illiana, are you going to be okay. Lucas and I have to go to the store.”

No not really -- “I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Where’s Suzy?”

“Oh, probably next door. She got an appointment afterwards so she will not be coming home for a bit.”

“Oh okay"

“Are you really going to be ok on your own?”

No, but you probably need some time of your birthwatching and babysistting me--- “Yes, sure”

“I’m ready” Lucas shouted from his room. “See ya later sis.”

“Don’t give Mrs Jung to much trouble.” I smiled.

“I never give people trouble” He pouted.

“You never do, little brother.” I ruffled in his hair.

“Yah” Lucas said while fixing his hair.

No one is here, how could they leave me alone? I'm like at my worst today, that stupid headache kept returning. I can easily fall back in old habit. God that last headache really did it. It kept stinging. Pain. Pain. It needed to go away. Why can't I remember that person, good okay let's try this again. My head hurts already anyways so come on, let's do it. Although it seemed a good idea, no one was here to help me if it went wrong, but still I had to to do it.

Brown infinite eyes, brown soft hair, PAIN, stupid pain go away. I need a vision right now, not pain in my head, I could try to ignore that pain though, but it stung really badly, come on, features taller than me, older than me, Korean. PAIN. No Illiana fight it, you can do it. You just need that image.

Did we have something to make this pain lighter. Alcohol would be good now. But than again there were this old habit where I would drink the pain away and Suzy would beside me, telling me to not listen to Sam anymore, she didn't know what I went through, Sam shot my boyfriend. No Illiana do not drink. PAIN, no go away.

Come on, Eyes, nose, lips, hair, taller than me, older me, come on, what more, protective maybe? A person who cared for me?

I needed that drink though. I went to the cupboard without knowing anything. To my surprise there was a bottle of Vodka in it. How the hell was there alcohol in this apartment? But okay, better than nothing. I opened up that bottle. Pain kept stinging. No Illiana you can't drink the pain away. I just needed to wait it out. In the old days we would drink a bottle each, of these things. But it's been so long since I had a drop of alcohol in my body. I put the opened bottle on the table and went as far away from it as I could. Every time Sam would hurt me I would drink, not this time. I needed to resist it. But it distracted me. This was such an easy solution. I should do it. Before I made my headache worse. I should, shouldn't I?

Sam's family ruined me. Ethan, Eric. They all did. So maybe one sip wouldn't hurt, right? It would take the pain away too. Just one little drop. I went back to where I put the opened bottle. I went to the kitchen first and took a glass out of the cupboard and went to sit in front of the bottle. Why the hell is it here? Do I or do I not drink from that bottle, I can't let old habits win, can I? Ready to pour me a drink. I was still in battle with myself. 

I couldn't do this. PAIN. Okay one itsy bitsy sippy. That couldn't hurt. I poured myself the drink. Drank the glass as a one shot. I feel lighter already. Maybe one more and pain goes away completely. I drank one more. Why did I even need a glass? I put the bottle directly to my mouth and drank like half of it, I think. I didn't know.

The Pain was finally gone, I felt so light at the moment. This felt good, but wasn't I forgetting something important. I didn't know anymore, was I thinking of something earlier? Noooooooo. I drank some more. Why did we have this bottle in the room? I felt so tipsy already. In the early days I would've taken me a whole lot longer to get tipsy, I wasn't drunk. I just saw things in a different, blurry, double kind of way. I needed this thing and drink that in my room. Where was that? I'll just stay here on the sofa. No needed to stand up. Pfft, why bother, I was perfectly fine where I was right now.

How long where they going to stay away? WAIT, why the hell would I care, I felt just fine on my own. No PAIN no worries. Suddenly I felt the need to pay or neighbours a little visit. Haha I was wiggling to the door, hahah this was funny.

.

This needed some music. I walked back, well I rather stumbled to the radio and put the volume up. Wiggling my a little more. Wiggle Wiggle lalalaal ahahaha. This was so fun. I was at the front door. wow look at that even the room wants a party, it was already spinning around and around and around, making me dizzy

"Come on, room let's get some party people." I made a move you could say I was trying to embrace the room. HAHA the room didn't like hugs. I had the bottle still in my hand. the room wanted to go though. LIKE REALLY BAD. I needed just a little more time to go outside

"YAaaahh, shhhhh, I need to sip this, WAIT a second. I know I know, we are going in a bit." OMG this room was so pushy, never in my whole life I'd known a more to be more pushier than this one, spinning and spinning around, I knew it wanted to party, but couldn't it just wait one more second? WOW now I felt dizzy.

Wait I stuck my finger in the air, I needed to wiggle my as I went forward.

"lalalalala, wiggle wiggle pfffhhahahahah"  Why was this so damn funny? Why was the room not following me, it wanted to party so why wasn't it helping me to get more party people. I couldn't do it all on my own. God so annoying. I was out in the hall already knocking at 630. Someone opened, I peered through my eyes. "Weee--ee--hiiiik----lll Hellow there--hik, how are yo---oouuuuu *poring my finger in the stomach in front of me* doing? Wanna partaaaaay, oeeeoee do I feel abssssszzz?." I blinked sweetly with my eyelids. wiggling. Haha wiggling was fun. "Why aren't you saying something, AISH, you're no fun" I left. ooeoeoeoeooe what was this? an elevator. Two of them? I jumped in the air clapping my hands wiiiiiii. I'm gonna make a ride with the elevator. Right one is buuuu---zzzaaaayy, left one was free, joy.

"Illiana?"

"You, misterrrrrrr..... What's your name again?" Looking at him wondering and pointing with my finger. "Aish I don't care, mister aaaabbbbbssssszzzz is no fun."

I wanted to go with the right elevator, suddenly the left didn't feel right. JUST MY LUCK. hehe the right one stopped at our floor.

"Illiana, where the hell are you going? Are you drunk?"

"YOU, Mr Abbsszz !!! *I pointed at him* YOU ARE NOOOOO FUN" I was looking at the person in 630 not noticing who came out the elevator. An elevator was a funny thing, up and down, down and up and back again hehehe. I wanna do that right now.

"ILLIANA, WHAT THE HELL?" I shifted my attention to the person in the elevator.

"SUUUUZZYYYYY-AAAAHHHHH, that room in the apartment is crazy." I yelled first and than pouted I flung myself at Suzy and hugged her. "SUZZZY-AAA, you look like you've seen a dead person." Looking at her face. My hands squeezed her cheeks. To get more color in them like DUH.

Suzy was looking at the person from 630. Who was shaking his head, holding up his arms

"SUZZYY-AAA Mr abszz over there   hik   is no fun at all." I pouted again and stuck out my tongue in his direction, like a little kid.

"Illiana, did you drink?"

"Nope" I shook my head firmly. "Just took a little sip." Now Suzy looked mad at me.

"Suzy, are you mad?" I pouted. "Suuu--uuzzzyyy??? Suz?"

"ARE YOU CRAZY?"

"YYY---EEE--PPP" I gave a very strong nod. That nod made my head hurt. "SUZY-AA head hurts again" I was pouting, I felt like a little child though.

"and your head is going to hurt alot more." She said trying to open the door.

"YA, YAYA , Suzy, don't" I stood in front of her with my arms spread wide open.

"Suuzzyy, there is a bad like really bad room in there." I was so convinced of it.

"What in the world did you drink?" She shoved me aside and I fell in Mr Abszz his arms.

"Well Heelloww There AGAIN."

"Li, O My God, stay away from him."

"Issss heee your Boy-friiieend?" I said porring his abs.

"No" They said at the same time.

"Than I can have him right?"

"No" they said in unism.

"Why not?" I stopped porring mr abs

"You just can't, OK!" Suzy said, pulling me away from him.

"OOOOEEEE I KNOW, It'S SO OBVIOUS, Ok I solemnly swear I will not take my friend's crush as it is stated in the friendship rules" I pleaded with my hand held up, like I was stating an oath.

"REALLY, Li, Oh My god, come inside."

Suzy opened the door. She probably saw the bottle lying there somewhere, cause I didn't know where It went, it just went away from my hand earlier and vanished. "YOU DRANK THE WHOLE BOTTLE?!!??"

"NOOO, the room did, I'm innocent. Maybe I just took like an itsy bitsy sip." I showed her with my fingers how small of a sip I took.

"Illiana, a room can not drink" She turned her back at me.

"Can too, look it is spinning."

"Illiana, where do you think you're going, come back here" I slipped back in the hall, I wanted to make a ride in the elevator, that must be soooo much fun.. But she already caught me.

"Illiana, stay inside."

"But I wanna ride the elevator." I stumped my feet on the ground.

"NO"

"YES" I smiled and nodded

"NO, inside with you." Pulling me back into the apartment. "Now, did you drink this whole thing.?"

I was thinking, very deeply, noo I didn't drink that whole thing, I just drank half of it, right.? So where did the other half go? The only answer for that was the room. Who suddenly decided it wanted to have a party on his own. All my effort of getting some party people flushed down the toilet.

"Illiana" She tapped her foot "I thought you were over this? Tell me honestly, if you can, did you drink this whole thing, and please don't say the room again."

"Nope, I didn't drink the whole thing, only half of it."

"Than where is the other half?"

I shrugged, how would I know, It was there one minute and the next it was gone.

"You just had so much luck that it was me in the elevator and not my mother or your brother. Li,why? Why would you go on this path again? I thought this was behind us?"

"Head hurts"

"Drinking out of pain again, I guess old habits don't die, and where did you even get this bottle?" She sighed and realised we normally had no alcohol in the house.

"I don't know, the closet gave it to me as a birthday present." I shrugged, but something clicked in my head. Birthday present. Birthday present, Naah probably not that important anyway

"Li, a closet can not give it to you as a birthday present. Stop lying, I can’t handle this right now. I've got enough problems as it is."

"OOh problems?" I tried to make a cute face

"YES, Li, problems, my problems for once."

"Are you mad at misterrr Abbs or something. Do you two need some time alone, I can go outside and take the elevator if you want, so you can talk out your ll--ooo---vv---ee--troubles"

"ILLIANA, SHUT UP"

"HAHAAHA I'm right, what has he done to my sweet Suzy??"

"GOD, Li SHUT UP."

"Has he cheated on you?"

"LI"

"Is that it?"

"Li, just hold that pretty little mouth of you shut."

"OMO, that is it. OK let me handle this." I pushed up my rolled up my sleeves and started walking in more zig-zag movement. Couldn't this just be a straight path to the door? It had to zigzag? Mr Abss was a jerk, he hurt my little Suzy so he had to pay.

"YAAH, Wth Li, STOP. Stay here. He didn't cheat on me ok. He's leaving, He's leaving me for the second time, and I want to hate him, I really do, I just can't. But I'm still mad" I saw tears running down Suzy's cheeks. "I can't change it. You can't change it. Just let him leave. OK, just let him leave?" She plumped down in the sofa and I took a couple steps backwards and turned around and went to sit next to her.

"It's going to be OK." I patted her back.

"It's not."

"Wait, did you start being playful, than became jealous than wanted to cheer yourself up again by playful again and than took everything wrongly? Like you always do." I looked at Suzy.

"You know me to well, even when you're wasted." She gave a little smile.

"Come on, we're going to wiggle our butts."

"Li? What?" Suzy raised an eyebrow, Did she not understand me? Should I say it in a different language?

"Come on, Wiggle" I stood up and showed her. "Come on" I pulled her off the couch. I started to shake her. "It's so funny, just try it."

We turned up the volume pretty loud and we were dancing in the room. On the tables, on the floor I even managed to dance on the chairs. After a while we became tired and Suzy plumped down in the sofa again, she had her phone in her hand. I was so tired I laid my head on her shoulder and looked at what she was doing. I was sobering up. Suzy had made sure that in the past hour or two I had lost to drink and eat so I would sober up.

"Call him" I said when I saw her hovering over his number. Although I thought it was his number

"Mmm" She answered.

"If you aren't calling him, I will"

"We can't call him" She said

"Why not?"

"You wouldn't understand right now."

"Why wouldn't I understand?"

"Because you don't have your memory back."

"ok" I yawned suddenly wanting to go asleep. My eyes slowly fluttered shut.

"Are you asleep?" I didn't answer I was almost asleep but was too lazy to answer. When I noticed Suzy sighed I knew something must've been eating her up inside.

"You are piece of work, Li, really you are. I can't help feeling sorry for you right now. But I am mad at you too you know. If you hadn't gone out for food on my birthday nothing would have happened. Kibum wouldn't push me aside. Mom wouldn't be as busy as she is now, I rarely see her anymore. Every little problem I got is because of you, you know that right? In times like these I wished I never knew you. I was this close, this close to having Kibum. And you ruined it, now we can't see each other and can't talk to each other anymore. Oh wait we can talk through text what isn't really talking at all. I wished I was as strong as you are, always pushing it to the end, always knowing what to do with your little brother. I wished I could do that. But I can't and it's making me mad, it's making me furious. For once I could've had something that was mine, fangirls don't bother me, you do. Every time again, I have to come to your rescue. When are you coming to mine? I'm actually glad you're asleep. So I can tell someone even if it has to be you. Why do I always have problems that involves, starts or ends with you?"

There was a knock on the door. Suzy carefully laid me down in the sofa. I still had my eyes closed, to not scare her that I was actually awake through all that. I just didn't dare breaking her monologue.

Suzy went to the door

"Oh Donghae? What are you doing here?" She said softly.

"I wanted to check up on you. See how you were holding up after ... well after the fight." the man's voice was full of concern.

"You heard?"

"Yes, I think to whole building heard."

"Ohw. Do you want to come in?"

"Is Illiana here?" I opened one eye and held the other shut so it looked like I was sleeping. I wanted to get a view of the front door as we had no real hallway and every door was connected to the living room. I could see everything.

"She's sleeping, why?"

"No reason, I just wanted to check up on you and her"

"You already said that, I'm fine, she’s fine"

"and I wanted to give you these on my way out. Kibum left this for you when he left."

"He left already?"

I saw Donghae nod.

"I don't want it."

"Suzy, please take them. It would mean alot to him if you just take this."

"I don't want that, I see Leeteuk waving, you are going to be late for your schedule, bye"

"Suzy"

She closed the front door. I slowly sat up with both of my eyes open. Suzy turned around and looked with wide eyes at me, in pure horror she couldn't even bring out a word. She probably didn't expect me to be awake. I stood up. I ran to the front door.

"Illiana don't, wait stop"

I passed Suzy and ran in the hallway. My mind was set on whatever it was this Donghae-guy tried to give Suzy and take it anyway, in her place. Cause she would hate herself more later on for not taken it. Luckily they were waiting for the elevator. I ran to the person who just stood in front of our doorway.

"Anyoung hashimnikka, Donghae-ssi" I bowed in front of the person who looked like he saw a ghost.

Someone nudge him in his side. "Anyoung Illiana" Still shocked I was standing in front of him

"Oh, we're familiar with one another?" I said confused.

He nodded.

"it doesn't matter" I waved and saw the lift numbers going up I needed to ask now. "I have a question." I didn't wait for his answer right now. "Can I have that what you were trying to give Suzy earlier? She will probably be angry with herself later if she didn't have that."

"You have to promise you won't like start to investigate things when you get this. Give it straight to her." Donghae said

The elevator arrived and the doors went open

I nodded.

"You won't read his letter, it's only for her. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I won't read it or look at it, I just put it in her room and not look at it anymore, I promise"

"Donghae, we need to go." I assumed the eldest said.

Donghae handed me the package and joined the two others in the elevator. 

“Oh” It was like he thought of something. “Here our maknae left this for Lu.” He handed me a game on top of the package.

"Gumawoo" I said and bowed again, he smiled at me before the elevator doors closed completely

I went back inside the apartment where Suzy was channel surfing. She wasn't exactly happy that I went to get the package. I knew she blamed everything on me and maybe this is something I could do for her. I laid the game down on the kitchen table and than I went to her room and placed the package on her nightstand not even looking back or thinking about what it was.

When I got out of her room and went to the kitchen I heard Suzy sigh angrily.

"You had to do it, hadn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone."

"It's a born nature to help others" I tried to give her a friendly smile. I took the game of the table and started reading the back.

"right. I'm going to my room, there's nothing good on tv anyways."

“one day you are going to thank me for going after that person.”

She ran past me and to her room. I sighed and went to the sofa and sat down with a glass of water in my hands and put the game in front of me on the table.. "I was only trying to help, Suz, I'm your biggest problem, I know that. Don't shut other people out because of me." I whispered to myself. Maybe I should go away for a while, like a week or something. Maybe I should go to Kenya, not bothering anyone, not even my mother who probably won't notice I would be there anyway. Maybe I should do that. Returning to Africa. Letting others lead their lives without me. Lu wouldn't probably take it so good and saying I was just like mother for leaving. I couldn't take him with me. Mrs Jung would do a better job in raising him than me. I'll come back for him one day. But seeing Suzy like this and knowing it was my fault wasn't exactly helping me either. Living on my own wasn't an option because I would have now one to help me with the headaches at least my mother was a doctor and could help. I didn't notice but a single tear fell down out of my right-eye-corner.

I quickly wiped it off when I heard the front door unlock.

“We’re home” Mrs Jung said happily

“Oh, Sis, What’s with the sad face?” Knocking out his shoes and his coat. My little brother saw everything didn’t he? He came up to me and sat down next to me.

“Nothing” I whispered with a cracked voice when I ruffled his hair. “absolutely nothing.”

I didn’t know how to break the news to him about thinking to go back to Africa.

“You sure?” His concerned expression told me he was looking for a clue that proved my lie wrong

“Brat” I smiled “trying to assume things that aren’t there” I faintly smiled holding back another tear. “Wanna play a two-player game? One of our next door neighbours left this for you.”

“Hyung……Left a game for me? ” He beamed. “He never gave me a two-player game”

“I swear if this guy is luring you into something you don’t want to do. Or he is taking advantage of you. He’s dead.” I warned him.

“He’s a good guy, sis,  you’d love him” He smiled brightly. And put the game on