33

Illiana

I'm here. Don't you dare let go of me ! 

I opened my eyes. What is this?  Kyuhyun was beside me.

“KYUHYUN ” I yelled. Why doesn’t he react?
 

Why doesn’t he look at me? 

“I’m over here” I waved my hands.

Why can’t he see me? I found him.

Why can’t he hear me?

I needed to show him I was alive, but how?  Just now, I noticed this wasn't right. I saw myself laying down on the hospital bed. I’m separated from my body!?! Why is he crying? I saw a teardrop falling on my body's hand. I looked at mine, wait I felt that, how could I feel that? I went to my body. Come one stupid body react. I started to pump my fingers. He stared at my body’s hand. Did it work? He looked so shocked. What was going on?

Wait where is he going? No, stay with me, please. Stay with me. I ran after him, leaving my body in that room. I am in Seoul right?
“I’m here, I’m here” I yelled behind him. I was still trying to get his attention but by the looks of it, that was nearly impossible but I had to try, hadn't I?

Who was he looking for? He even ignored his bodyguards. I stopped in front of the female one, she looked so worried, like a mother was worried for her son when he got hurt or something. I heard Kyuhyun asking every nurse he passed where the person was he was looking for. What is his plan? I'm here. He didn't look behind him. He didn't notice me.

He stopped and went in a patient room. Ooh he was looking for the doctor.

“YAH, I’m here, look at me” I was still trying to get some attention, to let him know I was here. But NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING. God this is frustrating.
 

“Please, look at me, Kyuhyun, I need you to see me ! 

"STOP RUNNING” Kyuhyun took the doctor to my room. I needed to work on my stamina, but than again I had great stamina before, Why am I getting so tired?

Right, let’s try this again. “Take my hand, Kyu, take my hand.” I pleaded.

“PABO !, Why aren’t you taken it?” I went up to him. I started to wave my hands in front of his eyes, I even flicked his forehead. Although I didn't touch it but went trough it immediately.

He rubbed his forehead like he got some kind of headache.
 

“TAKE IT, pl—pleeeaassee, so I can show you, I’m here” I cried. “You gotta take it, Come on” I sniffed. You stupid fool,

I’m begging here. I wanted to shake him.

“Mr Cho, Are you sure, you didn’t imagine it?” I really didn’t pay attention anymore. C’mon is this one for real ?, sure he didn’t I felt it too. If he just takes my hand again I can show you. I can show you I'm here. I turned to Kyuhyun, I tried something, I knew this was wrong, this was so wrong, I stuck my hand through his head. Really, I could because I’m some kind of ghost or a spirit, right? This is weird, it feels weird. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling either. I moved my hands back and forth, I think I just gave him a big headache. I’m never doing that again. It feels gross, it feels like something mushy. Like I was preparing dough for bread or cake or something.
 

“Mr Cho, you alright?”
 

“No, I got a sudden headache. Maybe from lack of sleep or something”
 

OOOOh! really?, I could hit him right now, instead of hitting him, I went through his head again and gave him an even worse headache.

YAH I’m giving you that stupid headache, IDIOT. I was getting annoyed by the minute.

I saw his hand on my mine. YES, now I just needed to …. . Why wasn’t it working? Why couldn’t I feel his han?. It worked fine last time. It worked before, please stupid body do it again just move one finger. C’mon. But nothing happened.

“I think it’s best that you go home now, there is no changed in her situation.” Kyu nodded.
 

"I’m here, you stupid doctor." I said in disbelieve and I was really disliking this doctor right now. "Yah, yah, yah Kyu don’t go". I'm here, can't you see? Why do I feel this way?, I feel alone. But yet I am not. I can't handle this. I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

“Don’t go, I’ll move, I’ll move, Come back” I promised. I felt my tears coming out and rolling down my cheeks.

I tried to grab the bed to shake it but all I grabbed was air. I saw Kyuhyun getting up. No, what are you doing? Stay !

I ran after him but when he got out of the exit doors. But when I tried to exit I was blocked by an invisible wall.

“NOOOOO, I need him with me ! I need Kyu here” I cried, and shouted and I started to hit the invisible wall. “I need him with me, Kyu---“

My kicking and shouting didn’t work and he was long gone.
I went back to the room. Passing the nurses’ and doctors’ room.
 

“I think he lost it” I heard the doctor say to a nurse “He was imaging that she had moved.” The nurse nodded in agreement.

“Idols these days” she said.
 

“He really lost it, she is so good as dead, it’s even a miracle that she’s in a coma. That poison she had in her, I don’t think she was supposed to be alive. But laying there in a coma isn’t living either. I’d had a talk with the family about pulling that plug.”

The nurse again nodded in agreement and sighed “Such a pity to loose her life at a young age, and those damn paparazzi’s are outside again, trying to get the story”

Yah fool ! Do I need to give you a headache too ?, I can and I’ll make it much worse than Kyuhyun’s. I stood in front of the doctor ready to give him a headache but I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to get that gross feeling that I got with Kyuhyun.
I stomped away, to my hospital room. I was mad.

"Pulling my plug, what the hell was he talking about.!!"  I’m perfectly fine. I'm here, aren't I? Off course YOU can't see nor hear me. 

I went to my body. Outraged at the stupid lifeless thing in front of me.
 

“ARE YOU STUPID !?!!” I furiously yelled to it.
 

“Why didn’t you move?, you stupid disobedient body” 

"Didn't I learn you to listen to me?!"

"Tell me, what the hell am I doing? I'm going crazy, I can't touch or speak to anyone. I can't do anything. Why am iI tired from running, TELL ME?, Why can't I just be connected to you and show everyone. Why can't you just listen to me?  And tell me Why the hell do I feel Kyu and nobody else? TELL ME" I yelled to the lifeless me. What in the world am I doing ? It can't talk back I'm here and I can't feel any connection unless Kyuhyun touches me.

When the night fell, I couldn't sleep cause I was obviously not human right now, but yet again I was. I was all-alone in the hospital, sure I had people around me, but no one could hear or see me. I kept thinking about what the doctor had said, she was meant to be that with that poison in her. Who would kill me? I didn’t do anything wrong in the past few months after my return. Wait, maybe? Could it be? Sam? Nah, Sam wasn’t free yet. Than who?

It’s been a long lonely night. But this time I was determined to stay, right where I was, Kyu will be back, won’t he? He has to. I thought maybe next time if he could hold on to me a little longer, I’ll return in my body. I had to connect to it and obviously I could only by his touch.

In the morning, everything went back to normal, it had been a busy night though, But now more nurses and doctors were running around, visitors (family members who had come with the patients in the ambulances) visiting their family members and friends. I was walking around, It was so boring watching yourself just laying there for a whole night and listening to the beeping sound of my heart monitor and off course in the hallway the night parole who was walking around so the patients wouldn't leave their rooms.

I was just at the end of a hallway, room 367 I was watching someone who just came out of a car-accident. Uch he didn’t look pretty, although he was wrapped all over and I mean all over his body with bandage, he would scarred really badly. I went to the next room. OO poor kid, he broke his leg. That’s six weeks in a cast for you than. I turned around in that room there was a girl, 18 I think, she was sleeping her mom her hair, she head her whole chest in bandages, probably broken ribs, poor girl. The mother slowly covering her with the hospital blanket.

My mother never did that, not even when Lucas fell when he was little, I was always the one who nursed his wounds, who protected him. What would it be like to have a mom like that ? Not one who put her children in second place. Maybe that’s why Sam had easily persuaded me to do things I didn’t want to do. Suzy would always be mad at me when I did things for him. But I hadn't had a choice, I had to do it, whatever bad thing I did was because of him because he threatend me so much and all people around me. Like the one night I actually refused his request to do something. The night my long-term boyfriend was beaten and killed, no one knew of my boyfriend everyone thought Sam was my boyfriend, but he wasn't. I had a nice, good-looking, smart, understanding boyfriend and Sam killed him. I had say goodbye to a 5 year long relationship and no one knew it. I never was a bad person, I just was made into one.


But suddenly I felt a squeeze, I looked at my hand and there’s only one person who could make me feel anything.

“Kyuhyun?” I ran back. I saw Kyuhyun standing next to my body. Like last it was like I almost flew there. The jolt of energy I got, felt amazing. I could really feel me connecting to my own body.
 

“I got a reaction out of you last time, I’m trying this again.” I leaned on the back of the bed. I saw him moving closer to my body's face.

Wait? Did he kiss me before?, no way, you ert, you kissed someone that’s unconscious, but you can’t kiss me when I’m conscious?

I felt his touch, his hand that cupped my body's face, his soft finger slightly caressing my cheek. I moved my hand to the same place he had his hand on my body. Than the soft kiss on my lips. I was touch my lips with my finger, my fingers ran over my lips. I froze, on the spot, I couldn't move. His lips felt soft and warm, I was a little disappointed for the little kiss I got but in the meantime I got butterflies and electricity that shot through me. I could feel a jolt of energy running through me. I could feel him. I really could feel him, but I was to amazed to do something. I forgot everything around me and heard angels sing.
 

“Why aren’t you reacting?” Kyuhyun said softly. Wait, what? Whoops. I was so taken by the kiss I forgot to move. I forgot that I could show him I was here. 

Try to kiss my body again. Please. I moved closer to him and stood beside him.

“Please, kiss me again” I said softly. Please let him hear me for once. I'm begging you, hear me.
 

He turned around. Flabbergasted. Did he just hear me?  I took a step back then stepped right in front of him. 

“I’m right in front of you, c’mon, just kiss me again, I’ll try to move, I have to move. I’ll promise move my stupid body, just one more kiss.” I said loudly, but he didn't respond to that. So maybe he didn't hear me.
 

“Illiana?” He was so confused, he looked around.
 

“YAH ! JUST KISS ME AGAIN ! Hurry, before I loose the connection again.” He looked right through me this time.

What is he looking at? OMG, why are you looking at that? 

“Buddy, Eyes up here” I said pointing up to my face, but what did it matter he couldn’t see me anyway. He probably saw air, so why would I be mad if he was looking at me.

“What? I must’ve been imaging it.” Aish, really? NO NO NO you didn't imagine it, this was making me frustrated.Really frustrated. But I needed to keep my calm.
 

“kiss me” I whispered in his ear. This time I was sure he heard me.

“Illiana? I am not imaging it right? You’re here?” He looked around.

For heavens sake, I facepalmed myself, Do I have to do everything myself?  Slightly expecting I would go through him again, I pushed his head down.

Wait?, I didn’t go through his head. I really touched him. I really pushed his head down.

“Kiss me you fool” I yelled in frustration this needed to go faster, I couldn't wait any longer. If he wasn't going to touch me I was afraid I was going to loose my connection and disappear.

He didn’t respond, he was just astonished of what just happened? Why can he hear my whispered but when I yell he can’t hear me?

He rubbed the back of his head, I don’t think he quite understood was happening.
 

“You want me to do it again?”
 

“YES, yes, yes, ppalli” Finally you get it. I was going to explode otherwise. Och, forget it you can't hear me anyway.
 

He bent down again, he closed his eyes. I could feel it. Could I kiss him back?  C’mon react stupid body and I ran to the other side of the bed cause I could only see Kyu’s back. I watched my still body, and focused,

OMG My body reacted, I really did it now. This was so weird mid air kissing and than again I kinda wasn't, but my body was in fact kissing him back, no way. His eyes spread wide open and widened with the second. I think they couldn't go weider even if he wanted them to. He pulled away. I pumped my fingers, to squeeze his hand. It was working. I smiled happily, come on. Don’t let me go now. Hold on to me. I could feel my connection to my body. He fell in the chair not letting go of my hand. If he kept holding on maybe I could reconnect with my body. Maybe I would fload  back in my body and loose this horrible feeling of something was missing. But he had to hold on.

“Illiana” He whispered “omg it really worked? So it was that where you reacted on last time too.” I squeezed his hand again and held my grip around it. I wanted to hug him and hold him close. “I need to tell the others”

“Wait ! NO !, Kyu !, no, don’t let go. NO, what are you doing?” He let go of my hand. I shook my head frequently.  NO, you idiot. He my hair, but I couldn’t feel it anymore. I couldn't feel his touch nor could I feel my own body.

You fool I told you not to let go. I cried again, come on, this isn’t fair. With tears running down my cheeks I tried to see if he could still hear my whisper and I ran back to the other side.

”K-K-Kyuhyun, you c-c-can still h-h-hear me right?” I  sniffed through my whisper, but he didn’t even react on it.  I tried to touch him but nothing. NOTHING.

PABO, why did you have to let go? I saw him run out, WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING ? PABO. COME BACK HERE.

I tried to grab his wrist, but I grabbed air instead, no. no. no, my desparation got the best of me again. I went through it again. The strange thing was, now I couldn’t follow him, I was locked in this room the invisible wall was now stationed at the hospital room, not at the exit no, this can’t be true, I started to feel a way around the wall, This isn't happening. But there was no way around it. I needed to follow him I looked around and ran to the window, I looked in the window, to look for him outside but apparently the only I could see myself without others seeing me.

Was I vanishing? I was almost transparent now. NO, not now, I was almost there, I was almost there, looking at myself in the reflection and tears that roll out of my eyes. 

I heard the sound of the door opening, I turned around.

“Kyuhyun?”

But it was too late I slowly vanishing, the room was vanishing like paper that burned in the flames and everything came black again.

Why did he have to let go of my hand? Why Kyu? I could’ve stayed longer.