29

Lucas

Illiana, My Sister

Today was Suzy’s birthday, and my sister was running around like a chicken without a head. It made me crazy. I decided to play a game, but she was distracting me so I was like just staring at the tv-screen. She got us take-out from the stand not far away from the apartment, she said it was new and the guy who served it didn’t seem Korean. She hadn’t time to cook herself, but I didn’t want any, don’t get me wrong, I was hungry, my stomach was growling. I just didn’t want take-out. I’m not a difficult boy, I loved home cooked meals besides Suju-members would definitely bring me some left overs later on. They always gave me the good stuff. Henry was chef today so why should I want take-out, I couldn't wait for Henry’s cooking, let my stomach make noises, I didn’t care.

For what it is worth, I couldn’t take it any longer; to keep the secret, Kyuhyun and I, and others held. I needed to tell Illiana someday. I was planning on telling her tonight. I couldn’t tell her right now she would freak even more out and go over there without even thinking.

I was staring at a  game that I’d borrowed from Kyuhyun, he felt like a big brother I never had and I would love to have him as my brother-in-law, than he could always help me with homework and stuff and take me with him, like he already did, to shows and dance practices and stuff. The other Super Junior members where fun too. Heechul would take me to hairdressers, we always take selca’s he was so energetic. Eunhyuk, Donghae, Shindong were absolutely the prank team. We would spray the other members with water when they fell asleep. Eunhykie-hyung also started to teach me how to dance. They would take me around Seoul. Zhoumi always had some new clothes for me, when he went on his shopping spree, he always bought something for me, I had to be careful though so my sister wouldn’t notice my closet was full of new clothes. But I loved Kyuhyun the most. He was smart, had game skills and taught me everything I needed to know. When he didn’t have a schedule and knew I was at home, he would come knocking and we would go shopping or we would just go for something to eat. I hoped Illiana would choose him, he was one for the keeps, that’s why I sometimes asked her about it, like Alex, was he a boring guy!, I would’ve hoped she said she was in love with Kyuhyun, she didn’t though, Kyuhyun obviously loves her and I totally ship those two together,  not like her other boyfriends who turned her into and let her do things that she wasn’t suppose to do.

Like one day this guy, Sam (never was her boyfriend though), was put in jail, I was so happy when Illiana didn’t have to go. I don’t know many details but Sam is one I remembered he mistreated and used my sister whenever he could and when one day they did something bad actually he did something bad, he was put in jail and they let her go. I saw his brother furious, I wonder what happened to him. That night when they got arrested, I heard Sam threatened and beat someone up and made my sister watch it. I couldn’t believe what I heard, Illiana did things like stealing, going to a club when she was underage, but beat someone up, never. Illiana never talked about that day. I guessed she wanted to forget that night as much as we did. Than mother accepted a job in Africa. I hated it there, I couldn’t be who I wanted to be, I was so much smarter than the schoolteachers, they never learned me something new, no communication to the western world, there were computers in cafés but they were so old like Windows 98 old, I wasn't even born than, and so far away. And than the wars, we always had to stay on our feet. Illiana had to protect me and defend me so I wouldn’t be taken like some other kids. She would kick someone’s just to save me, probably learned that from Sam, but in a moment like that I didn’t care. 

Mom wouldn't let me cry at those moments. She would say :
DO NOT CRY WHEN THEY HIT YOU, it will make you seem weak, 
DO NOT CRY WHEN THEY TAKE YOU they just think you’re easy 
DO NOT CRY WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE GET HURTS cause they will take advantage of that. 
DON'T CRY WHEN YOU'RE HOMESICK, cause you won't make it easier. Just cry when you’re alone where we won’t see it, you need to grow up Lucas, you can’t be a little child here, and if something happens like this again your sister won’t always protect you, you cry baby, so stop crying.. Cause it's embarressing for me and you. 
Illiana would always say, when we were alone, I should cry, I shouldn't hold it in, that it was bad for me. Sis would always hug me and yell at mother that I was just a kid for not letting me cry. Mom would give sis a lecture on how she doesn't know, what I needed, on how she didn't know what it was to care for a child. Even when I was almost taken away, mother would lecture Illiana. I never got it why mom was that way, even when Illiana did something good. Sis was a better mother for me than mom ever was. Always busy with work and putting work first.

I admired my sister and I will always be grateful to her, always be in her depth. Illiana changed, did more good than wrong, a lot when we were in Africa; she became her sweet old self, like she was when I was born. Although she was a rebel girl of 14 then, she never feared something and would always be sweet to me. You can’t imagine how happy I was when mom sent us back home, after Illiana's serious pleading to take me with her, sure I would miss her she was still my mother, but I hated it in Africa, I was always scared, if not from the wars than it was from the lions and other wild animals. Before Africa I loved to tease my sister, in Africa we both changed, and now I kept a secret. That I never told a soul.

When that Sam guy beat up that other one and made my sister watch, I was there after it happened. How come I was there? I was looking for my sister who was supposed to babysit me that night, she got a call from Sam and called Suzy, but I never saw Suzy that night so I went looking for sis. She didn’t go far. So I found her rather quickly. Although I didn’t see what had happened, I saw the police arresting my sister yet again. And Sam was running away with another guy.

I only went to the beat up guy for a split second, who was laying there in the street. I asked if he was okay, if he needed something, although it was obvious he needed an ambulance, his eyes just widened at the sight of me, I never understood why, but it felt like he knew who I was. But what could a seven year old boy do in his eyes. I tried to get him up. But I hadn’t the muscles to do it. I didn’t have a phone with me so an ambulance was out of the picture. We heard footsteps and whispers coming from the way Sam ran. The guy on the floor nudge me away and said I needed to run, he also said my sister wasn’t the one who did this. Before I could say anything, I hid myself behind a container not so far away from the guy.
It was Sam and I think it was his brother who returned to the guy. I didn’t dare to look anymore so I turned around that time. I heard them talking about my sister that she was his but she really wasn’t (he sounded jealous in that moment) and something about the beat-up guy and my sister. A gun shot went off and got chills all over my body and I had to hold my hand in front of my mouth cause I could’ve screamed. Footsteps coming towards me untill Sam said they needed to go, I heard them walking away. And the guy on the street, well you could guess what happened. I ran to the police office that night and made an anonymous testimony. So Sam went to prison and my sister was released. They still don’t know it was me. And I still can’t believe the police believed a seven year old boy so easily, it haunted me every stormy night cause thunder reminded me of the gunshot although it sounds nothing like it but it was frightening, that was why I stayed close to Illiana on stormy nights. Sometimes I'm scared the other guy will come after me by putting Sam in prison.

 “Lucas, I just have to pick up the cake and than we are all set.” Illiana said, I looked at her, something didn’t seem right. She looked paler than she was. When she passed between me and the Wii game. I paused it. I wasn’t paying much attention to the game anyway and I was thirsty.

“Okay, sis don’t be late.” I studied her, I don’t know why though, but something seemed off, I ran to the kitchen to pour myself a drink. She didn’t know I was still keeping an eye on her. She was looking at the tv, don’t let her notice that it isn’t my game.

“Lu, that’s not one of our games, where did you get it.” , she noticed? I nervously looked around, I was suppose to tell her tonight that Kyuhyun was our neighbour, not now, what would I say, euhm.

“I..I…I..” I startled.

“Lu you aren’t stealing games I hope.” I never stole something in my life, how could she think that.

“Sis, I would never steal. How could I, I’m not you at my age.” I never knew her at age ten, but mom told me stories of how Illiana came back with little things like jewellery, magazines, stuff like that that wasn’t hers.

“So where did you get it than?” she looked back at the screen, “and where did you learn Korean so fast?” What now? What do I do?

“Next door neighbour” I tried to be as casual as possible.

“You saw our next door neighbour?” She was shocked, with a little tick of jealousy; I saw that, I’d been around Kyuhyun more lately than my own sister, partly because she was always busy with her job, but still putting me first if I needed it.

“Yeah many times, he helped me out quite a lot, with homework and stuff. He even brought me food one day, that the others cooked.” Was I cool enough? I tried to act cool.

“Who is he?”

“They said to keep it a secret, I’m not going to spill it.” Not now, not when she’s like this, she needs to be calm and zen when I tell her. Tonight.

“Yah, bro, you can tell me.”

“Actually I really can’t tell you. Go get that cake. Suzy will be home in half an hour.” Trying to get her off the subject.

“Fine”

I sat back down in the sofa and looked at my sister, a sudden movement made her grab her stomach and the wall, I knew there was something wrong.

“Sis, you okay?” I paused “Don’t get the cake, we can do it without it too, Suzy wouldn’t mind.” I sprang out of the sofa and ran to my sister, I’m calling a doctor right now, she can’t go. I was searching for my phone, the one I got from Suzy of course, Sis got one too.

“I’m fine, lil bro. Don’t worry.” She ruffled my hair and picked up the keys from the tray.

“I’ll be back soon” What is she thinking going out like that. But before I could say a word, she already closed the door. What do I do? What schedule did hyung have? He was returning from one, wasn’t he? I hoped he was close by. I tried several times. Why wasn’t he picking up, he would always be the fastest to pick up his phone. How many times did I try already?, this would be the sixth. Come on, pick up, pick up. A feeling from angst started to from in my veins, my heart was pounding. Pick Up your damn phone, come on. The tune went away, Answer machine but the moment I ended the call he called back.

“Why didn’t you pick up your phone?” I shouted.

“Lucas calm down. What’s wrong?” Sungmin asked. Sungmin was with him. That was a good thing.

“Illiana” I started worriedly. The angst of something happening to my sister right now was creeping up

“What’s wrong?” Hyung asked.

“I don’t know, this morning she was perfectly fine, now it’s like she’s ….” I was racing through the sentence I needed to get it out as fast as possible.

“Lucas, stay calm we are on our way.” Sungmin asked calmly.

“ppalli” I yelled.

“Lu, keep it cool. Tell us very calmly.” I couldn't keep it cool, I’m not calm, this is eating me up. This feeling was the worst. It gave me tears in my eyes. But I may not cry. Illiana wasn't here, I could only cry when sis was here.

“She-e-e went to gee—ee-t the cake for S—Suzy. Suddenly s-she was like g—ggrabbing onto stuff. I think it’s going to get wo—oo--orse. I don’t think it’s norm--mmmal.” Tears welling up out of angst so I kinda sniffed through the whole thing. I may not cry, don’t let the tears out, Lucas.

“Lucas, we’re almost there, we are just around the corner. We’ll come to you” Sungmin said. If they don’t hurry, I’m following my sister myself, this would be my first time out alone, there was always someone with me.

I was pacing around the apartment when I heard knocking on the door. I ran to it, it was more like I flew towards it. I opened it and to my astonishment there was only Sungmin, I expected three of them. Where were my sister and Kyuhyun? I looked up to Sungmin. Did he run here? He looked sad and out of breath.

“Lucas” He panted. Trying to catch his breath.

“Where are Kyuhyun and Illiana?” I asked with a little voice and looking in the hall, to see if they weren’t behind him. “Sungmin-hyung ….?”

He had a concerned expression. “What’s going on?”

“Lu, may I come in?” He sounded hasty. I motioned him in and closed the door softly, what was going on? Where is my sister?

“Illiana is … how do I say this” He was searching for the right words. “Illiana is being brought to the hospital. Kyuhyun is with her”

I didn’t make it to the sofa, I plopped down on the ground, did he just say Illiana and hospital in the same sentence? There was another knock on the door. It made me jump up in surprise. 
I opened the door, a very excited Mrs Jung stood in front of me.

“HELLOOOO” she happily let out. “Oo Sungmin-shi, what are you doing here? I thought you were in 630, ooo wait you are here for my daughter, right? What’s with the sad atmosphere? It’s my little girl’s birthdaaaay, cheer up” She said still smiling, not knowing what was going on. “yah, want to know something this stupid ambulance was blocking my taxi's way, I couldn’t get through, did Mr Park from 854 break his leg again? Do they always need an ambulance for that?” she rattled on, apparently she was well known with the residents of this building, maybe that’s the reason why we are in 629.

“Hello, Mrs Jung” Sungmin replied, finally got through her rambling “I guess you better sit down for this?” Mrs Jung looked at me. “Did he see a ghost or something? Lulu? Are you alright” She waved a hand in front of my eyes.

“Mrs Jung, I’m sorry to ruin your good mood, I guess the ambulance you got annoyed with was the ambulance Illiana is in right now. She’s being brought to the hospital as we speak, Kyuhyun-shi is with her.”

Mrs Jung didn’t expect to hear that, she let her purse drop on my foot, what was in there it felt like a rock hitting my foot.
“auwch” I winced from the pain. They were't really paying attention to me, so I set the purse against the wall.

“You’re absolutely positively sure that it was Illiana?” Sungmin nodded. “I need a drink” she walked to the kitchen.

“Mrs Jung?”

“Calm down Sungmin-shi, I’m just getting some water that’s all. I highly doubt that Suzy or Illiana would have alcohol here.”

Sungmin’s phone went off.

“I got to take this, I’ll be back.” He went to the kitchen, where Mrs Jung just came out of. Not much privacy though with such a kitchen, with no door.

“Hello? Kyu?, Kyu answer me, what’s going on?, what is that beeping sound? KYU?! God damn it Kyuhyun-ah” Sungmin went silent after that. Sungmin came out of the kitchen, I was still standing at the same place I stood when Mrs Jung dropped her purse on my foot. Sungmin came straight up to me. I couldn’t move, frozen at a statue I stood there.

“Lucas, I’m going over to the hospital, You’ll be fine with Mrs Jung, I’ll send Eunhyuk & Donghae later on, OK?” He knelt down to my eye level and stared into my eyes. I slowly nodded, what was going on?, why was he going over there?. He gave me hug “It’s going to be alright, do you understand?” I nodded again., I felt something wasn't right at all, the tone in his voice was bad, I felt tears welling up but I may not cry, there were people around. He ruffled my hair than stood up and bowed to Mrs Jung, than he was gone, he left to go the hospital. I glanced at Mrs Jung, she padded the spot next to her in the sofa.

Not much later Eunhyk and Donghae were at the door. Suzy arrived on that exact same moment and Kibum took her in his arms, well knowing she didn't know anything of what was going on.

“Yah, Kibum-ah, what’s going on? Not that I mind all of this?” She said excited.

"M--Mom?!?" Suzy was surprised and kinda pushed Kibum off her when she saw her own mother behind me. Suzy had a pink-redish shade and probably felt embaressed being hugged by Kibum and her mom seeing it.

LeeTeuk probably was telling the others and Mrs Jung was trying to reach my mother. Mrs Jung agreed Suzy and I went with the guys to their apartment. I heard Suzy talking to Kibum. He kind of ordered her to sit down on the couch.

“Yah, Kibum-ah, what is going on?” I heard Suzy ask him again, and he sighed. I wasn’t nearly over the fact that Sungmin used Illiana and hospital in the same sentence and D&E were trying to cheer me up. But I was more eavesdropping on Suzy and Kibum than paying attention to the attempts that D&E were making.

“Suzy-ah” he sighed, he knelt down so he was at eye level with her “look at me” Suzy probably felt uncomfortable. “Hey” Kibum stuck out his hand to caress her cheek “I need you to stay calm, ok” Suzy slowly nodded, she was flustered from his touch. Ugh, I had to pick the chair where I could see every inch from the room. “listen to me carefully, Illiana is in the hospital”

“Why?”

“We don’t know why yet, we just know, that Sungmin and Kyuhyun were with her and called an ambulance, Kyuhyun went with the ambulance. Sungmin just called that he arrived at the hospital, to get Kyu” Suzy became agitated. She pushed his hand away.

“I have to go to her” She stood up and went to the door. I followed her with my eyes. “Suzy” Kibum ran after her. I could hear her shouting in the hallway. I was staring at the open door. The shouting disappeared and was replaced by sounds of crying and whispering. I averted my attention on D&E still trying to cheer me up. I felt so lonely, sad, but I couldn’t cry. The only person I showed my tears to wasn’t here.

It wasn’t until late in the evening when Sungmin and Kyuhyun returned. Kibum managed to calm Suzy down and she was laying down with her head on his lap. He had been her hair for hours. E&D didn’t give up to cheer me up.

They both looked so defeated, Kyuhyun turned to the practice room. And Sungmin told us all to sit down in the couch. He told the others what was going on and why they were home so late, I didn't hear a thing he said, I followed Kyu-hyung straight in the practice room.

“Hyung” My voice was trembling, I could show my tears to him, right? He wouldn't judge me, he would let me cry like Illiana did so many times; wouldn't he?. “Hyung, ???”

He motioned me to come over and I slowly let myself slide down the wall and sat on the floor. It was so quiet, just what I needed, I didn’t need cheering up. I laid my head against him.

“Sis is alive right?” I stared in front of me, I looked at the mirrors in front of me.

“mmmm” That wasn't a yes or no, right?

“She’ll come back, right?” My voice was unsteady and trembled more. “She’ll come back, right?” I looked up at Kyu. Please, Kyu, you need to tell me she’s ok, you need to tell me she’s alive, you need to tell me she’ll come back to me. “Hyung, tell me, she’ll come back, right?” I pleaded, tell me. Please.

“Hyung??”I begged, I could feel tears coming in my eyes.

“I don’t know” He softly said. I couldn’t help feeling disappointed in him right now, he could’ve just lied to me, telling me she’d be back in the morning. But than again I appreciated his honesty towards me, he wasn’t treading me like a kid right now, I felt like he was treading me like an equal, just by being honest, but still it wasn’t the answer I was looking for. I laid my head back down on his arm and started to cry. He was like the closest I had right now, Suzy didn’t dare look at me, probably feared I would see her cry and Mrs Jung was to busy trying to get a hold on our mother. E&D tried they’re best to comfort me but it didn’t work, and the one I used to only cry in front of wasn’t here, so I started to fear the worst. Thinking about something Illiana told me. "If I'm not there, find someone you love and are comfortable with and cry" Even thoug my mother's words are engraved in my mind, but this was my sister, my sister who got hurt, sometimes I would choose my sister's words above my mother's, this was one of those times and there was no one who would take adventage of me, right? They wouldn't? By the way only Kyu-hyung was here, he wouldn't feel embaressed if I cried, right?

He’s the only one who may see my tears tonight.