Title (3/5)
It's an alright title but I would have preferred something with agreements make and more hyorin-centered
Foreward/Description (6/10)
The foreword just makes it sound like Sehun wants something physical from Hyorin in return for protecting her which is a false truth because the story actually contains some form of love and deeper meaning. Pity it did not come through in the foreword.
Appearance (4/5)
I do like the colour and emotions portrayed in the poster.
Plot (10/15)
I am going to be stricter since this is your second review request. The general stoyline and idea is good but you really need to do something about your language in bringing these points across.
Chapter 1: It seems more like an attempted more than anything else with Sehun forcing himself on Hyorin. You might have wanted to drop a hint of feelings here leading to chapter 2
Chapter 2: You did not manage to link up the flow nicely in revealing Sehun's real feelings for Hyorin and even explain why. From the to suddenly being a possessive emotional guy. Luhan's appearance is also out of nowhere with no indication that he has been Hyorin's friend. Which makes it confusing because she is looked down upon in the school hierarchy and she is suddenly having multiple crushes
Chapter 3: I get the threat
Chapter 4: Does Hyorin even like Sehun in return? More emotional and relationship development needs to be shown
Chapter 5: Sehun seems like he's being a jerk again asking for after the girl he apparently cares about just went through a traumatic experience
Chapter 6: I dont get the hair cutting at all, Nana-Luhan confession was short-lived and the ending was abrupt.
You had a good idea but was not capable of letting it come through nicely.
Originality (13/15)
I think you deserve some credit here since I do like your plot idea.
Grammer & Spelling (8/20)
Everything is wrong, I really suggest you reading more to get an idea of how to phrase things.
For starters, the start of each sentence needs to be capitalized. There is no need for italics for the entire story. Stop using "..." and insert other correct punctuations like "." "," ";" "!" "?" Form proper sentences instead of snippets. Let me re-write a random paragraph and I hope you can see the difference
"Just close your eyes .." i just follow what sehun said . I close my eyes . It dark .. it's remains me .. how dark my life before .. but . Sehun is the light .... who bring a light of happiness to my life . Count 3 2 1 .. i open my eyes back . The rooms are already full with a red candle .., sehun hug me .., he kiss on cheeks ,, and after that hee kiss on my nose .. and lastly lean a sweets kiss .., soft lips gently kiss mine until i can't breath properly . We stopped . He wisper to me with his sweet voice
"Just close your eyes..." Sehun whispered and I followed his command. I saw darkness, darkness liken to how my life was before Sehun. Sehun was my light, he brought a ray of hope and an abundance of happiness into my life. I couldn't hear Sehun anymore so I counted to 3 and opened my eyes again. I was greeted with a room full of lighted red candles. Sehun enveloped me into a hug, kissing my cheeks, kissing my nose, and finally placing a kiss on my lips. His soft lips did not part mine until we were both out of breath.
Flow (2/10)
I have to penalize you here because the content was not brought across at an appropriate pace and length.
Characterization (4/10)
So much lacking for what could have been a deep and interesting story. Particularly on Hyorin as a victim of bully, all the emotional trauma, lack of self worth and finding love is a whirlwind of character development that could have been looked into.
Overall Enjoyment (7/10)
The idea was good. That's all I can say.
57/100!
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