~Yumi~

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"You're.. ok?" JaeJoong asked as he took my hand and was holding onto it tightly

I swallowed hard and nodded lightly as I was looking at the read in front of us. Mom and dad wasn't able to take me there but they would come later on just in case the doctor wanted to speak to them. JaeJoong on the other hand refused to let me go by myself when I said that I could take the bus. He was stubborn and in the end I gave in and was letting him drive me to the hospital..

I didn't know what the doctor were going to inform me about and I hadn't been sleeping so well during the night. JaeJoong had stayed until late and he came early in the morning. It was almost as if he was afraid that I were going to disappear from him if he left me alone..

But he was an amazing boyfriend. Supportive and loving. His concern for me was more than I could ask for and when we had been writing letters to each other, I kind of realized that he was pretty different from the letters than in the reality. In the letters, he always wrote with much concentration as if he had to think it all through before putting down the words but now when we were seeing each other, everything just came out naturally and I have never seen him frown, being angry or anything like that. The smile of his were always on his lips..

When we arrived at the hospital, JaeJoong took a hold of my hand as soon as I had gotten out of the car. He locked the car and we walked slowly towards the hospital. Well in fact, I was the one who was walking slowly. My steps kind of slowed down for every step I was taking and JaeJoong noticed and slowed down with me. He was wearing glasses today making him look even more beautiful but I think I kind of knew why he was wearing it. I would've been blind if I hadn't seen his puffy eyes. He had been crying over the night. Why ?
I didn't dare to ask him ..

"Gwenchana?" He asked and faced me

I nodded

"It's... very.. frightening in a way" I said and looked at him.

He put my hair behind my ear and kissed my cheek softly before we started to walk towards the hospital again

"It'll be fine.."

We asked for which floor we had to go to since I had never been to a hospital for people with disabilities before. It was almost frightening to see how many people who was living there. Well not living but... staying there.
We sat down in the waiting room but before I even had time to start a conversation with JaeJoong, a doctor arrived called Mr Jae Ha. Unfortunately JaeJoong couldn't come with me which the doctor was very strict with but JaeJoong told me that it was going to be fine and that he wouldn't move an inch while I was in the office with the doctor.

Letting go of his hand made my heart feel a bit empty, as if the body turned cold and I slowly followed the doctor inside his office. He closed the door behind and I sat down and he soon took his seat in front of me

"How.. are you feeling Yumi~ssi?" He asked

I nodded

"Nae~~ I'm.. doing good"

He smiled gently

"Very Good.. You see.. your doctor sent me your papers.." He started

"Nae~~"

"Have they.. prepared you anything? Like, the life after.. how it will affect you, physically and mentally. Your surroundings.. your family.. friends. Have you gotten any help with that?" He asked

I swallowed hard

"Aniyo~~"

"I see.. "

He started to browse through the papers and I quieten, not knowing what to say

"First of all.. I'd like you to answer some questions for me" he said

I nodded. He grabbed his pen, ready to take down notes

"How do you feel.. about this.. About.. knowing that you will soon be a blind person?"

I looked up, not knowing what to say. I had never thought about it before but right now it seems like the black spots in my eyes became a lot clearer, almost blocking my view as I was looking at him

"I don't know what to feel.."

"Have you accepted it?"

I nodded slowly

"A long time ago.."

"Yumi~ssi.. Do you know what embossed printing is?"

I looked up

"Aniyo.."

"That kind of language are only for the blind ones, embossed printing makes it possible for you to read books, newspapers.."

I looked at him

"You see, what I'm trying to do here, I mean the reason why you are here is to prepare you for the life as a blind person. When you won't be able to see anymore, we want you to be prepared. The life won't be the same and you will be needing a lot of help and support. Assistants as well. At least during the first period. It will be hard to make it on your own.. and it's very important that you will be co operative. Cause I'm sure you want to live a normal life as possible right?"

I nodded slowly

"I'm going to tell you the sincere and honest truth here. It will be hard for you and for your family. You will be the one who is most affected but your family will also be affected as well but in another way.."

"What do you.. mean?" I asked slowly

"Their responsibility will grow and the pressure will probably grow as well. I've had many patients who had relied on their parents way too much but that is probably because their support is the most important thing. Friends can abandon and take a step away from you.. which isn't rare at all. From my perspective and personal opinion, I'm sure you want to be an independent person even though having this disability right?"

I nodded slowly

"To make it all easier, I'd like for you and your family to attend a course, where the professors will help you step by step to adjust yourself to the life of having someone with this disability. In that way, you will be prepared and it will be much easier for you once you've gotten the control and adjusted yourself to the eyes.."

I swallowed hard and took the paper he was handing out to me

"Doctor.." My voice was thick now

"Nae~~"

"I don't want my parents to come with me" I whispered and looked up as a silent tear fell down my cheek

"Mwoh?"

"I don't want to be a burden for my parents or my friends" I whispered

"Yumi~ssi. Even though their pressure and responsibility will grow, they are still your biggest support. You need to rely on them during the first period.."

"Isn't there an assistant instead?"

"Of course but still.."

"Doctor, I'd like to have an assistant instead. I don't want to keep my family from doing what they're doing or my friends. I don't want to become a burden, a person who need their help and preventing them from doing stuff they want to just because I need help.. I want to take care of myself.."

"But.. this is just a course.. it's just preparation.."

"Isn't there some kind of special.. hospital for people with my disability?" I asked

"There is.. but.. don't you want to stay with your family?"

"I have to move?" I asked

He nodded

"It's very far away.. But they have everything you need. Assistance 24 hours a day. The latest equipments that you need and books, school, education for you. It's the same fee as for you attending an university. Although, you will be living in a dorm, sharing with another girl I think since one dorm is being shared by 2"

"How is.. the life of a blind person.." I asked and looked at him

He looked at me for a very long time..

"It's.. tiring and sometimes you will probably.. wonder what you've possibly done to deserve this. I think what your family and friends need to prepare is.. that they will have to see you suffer the first couple of months. That is when you need their support the most. You won't be able to see and you will have to use your ears, your hands, stick and probably any other helpful equipments in order to help you 'See'. The family needs to be prepared for the life of an disability person cause their responsibility will be just as important as the progress of yours while you're adjusting yourself to the life"

I felt myself shaking as I was holding the paper in my hands

"If I.. move to this hospital.. I have to leave everything behind right?" I choked and my voice quieten

"Yes.. there's a lot of things you have to sacrifice.."

When I stepped outside the office I sat down on the closest bench I could find, with tears strolling down my cheeks as I looked at the paper. Becoming a burden to everyone isn't what I want to be..
I want to be able to make their life easy, happy and not harder and more complicated..

I don't want mom and dad helping me around all the time. I want to be able to move, walk and be independent. being a burden is the last thing I want to be. .

I stood up and walked slowly towards the waiting hall where I knew JaeJoong were waiting for me..
I rounded the corner and I saw JaeJoong sitting with a little girl, helping her to build something. She was blind..
Tears started to fall harder as I watched JaeJoong helping her, encouraging her..

Words that I didn't want to think about started to form inside my head. Would JaeJoong.. really.. accept me for who I am .. ?
Isn't it unfair to him.. that I won't be able to see him.. encourage him if he had done something good?
Would he really be able to stay by my side, helping me all the time since I can't make it on my own? Would he have the patience.. ? How would he feel? Would he... give up ? What if.. his feelings for me disappeared and he.. won't be able to break up cause he would pity me?

I didn't want him to stay with me because of that..
I started to cry harder as my grip around the paper hardened as I kept looking at JaeJoong helping her to build with the toys..

Would he really still love me even though I am blind, won't be able to see him graduate, myself graduate, future projects, travel around the world?
Wouldn't I be an obstacle, not being able to let him travel cause he would feel guilty cause I wouldn't be able to see the same things that he could ?

The paper was getting wet now because of my tears..

I would end up hurt..

Hurt because I would feel sorry for him
Hurt because I wouldn't be able to be the girlfriend who takes care of him properly
Hurt because I would always feel guilty..
Ashamed cause if he were to introduce me to his family, his friends or his colleagues in the future, and then tell them that I'm blind..

Right now the list of me being a burden was increasing while the good points where disappearing..

If he would cook for me, I wouldn't be able to see him doing it, not seeing how pretty he would place it on the plate. Like our trip, the beautiful scenery, the promise we had made to come back, I wouldn't be able to see it again and future trips, where the scenery would probably be beautiful, I wouldn't be able to see it..

So in the end all kinds of efforts that he would put in, would be a waste..
Cause I won't be able to see any of it..

He don't deserve this kind of relationship..

He deserves better.. Someone who can appreciates everything he do, someone who will be able to see his effort and who will be able to look at him, knowing exactly what he will be feeling just by looking into his eyes..

Everything just got more and more clearer as I started to understand how much I could with my eyes, why they were so important.. why we even had them..

We're suppose to see things. Beautiful things.. Experience..

Stuff that you can't say with your mouth can be expressed with your eyes..

Like people says .. The eyes are the windows to the Soul ..

I started to cry harder as I kept my gaze on JaeJoong..

I had seen his soul. It was amazing. Like an angel sent from heaven above, to make me and my life complete.. But what's in it for him ?
I sobbed quietly as I looked down on the paper and looked up again to see him smiling to the girl.

She can't see it..

She just can't see his smile..

I wouldn't be able either..

His eyes were expressive and what I cherished the most about him, the most important picture I have of him is his eyes..
His eyes that could laugh and smile with me, His eyes that I was able to see,that I could look deeply into and getting tired of it cause the eyes could express so much ..
Instead of using words, you could let the eyes speak..

I wiped away my tears as I looked at him..

He noticed me and sat up and smiled at me as his eyes were searching for any kind of wound that was building up inside of me. If there were any bad news..

I forced a smile on my lips and soon he smiled even wider back at me..

I won't be able to see any of that..

JaeJoong meant everything to me. Everything as in, he was the one who made me understand the meaning behind love. The one who made me feel complete, like I was constantly surrounded by happiness, living in a dream..

I love him..

I looked down on the paper and I felt my heart breaking into pieces as I slowly started to form the decision inside of me

I love him..

That is why I need to let him go..