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~JaeJoong~

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When I had later on dropped Yumi off by her house I started to drive home, slowly thinking it all through. The letters from 'Her' were waiting for me in the bag and I knew that she must be really sad and upset with me for not replying. I gave out a heavy sigh as I parked the car and went inside the house and I immediately went upstairs

I showered and changed into comfortable clothes and then I lied down on my bed and took out the bunch of letters.
As I was reading I started to notice that she had certainly fallen for this guy she had met.

She wrote that she had talked to him a lot and seems like they were getting closer and she said that everytime he was around her, her heart was beating like mad..
I didn't read the letters with happiness but when she started to ask me and worry why i didn't write back, I smiled at the letters..

She was still thinking of me and that's good..

I didn't want to feel forgotten but now when I think about it, that's what I have been doing for the last few days since I haven't replied her letters..

She asked me over and over what was happening and why I didn't answer her letters.. She wrote and wondered if something happened, if I was ok and if she could do anything..

I sighed heavily as I sat up and looked at the letters..
She couldn't really do anything except stop meeting the guy so that my heart could settle down and rest assure that she still belonged to me..

I do sound selfish.. don't I?
I don't want her to be happy and I knew that he was making her happy cause it wasn't hard to notice through her words but yet.. my heart didn't feel good about this..

My mind soon started to think about Yumi and my heart started to beat faster.. The chest of mine started to become warmer and I somehow started to feel a bit nervous.. excited somehow..

I shook my head as I realized what kind of feeling it was and I looked at the letters.. I knew that I couldn't have possibly.. fallen... for her.. but it's just.. no.. I love 'Her' and not.... I can't possibly.. have..

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath just to calm myself down. When I after wards opened my eyes I went over to my desk and started to write a long letter to her..

As I was writing I kept writing about that she might should confess if she really feels this way for him.. She said that she couldn't really explain her feelings since she has never felt this way and I guess.. no.. I know with no doubt that she was falling in love with him..

You can't even imagine how heavy my heart felt when I was writing down, encouraging her to confess to him. Of course, I didn't want that but if she.. wants.. and if she's determined and sure.. there's nothing much I can do about it.. right?

I then started to think of Yumi again and I started to wonder if.. this was kind of the same way .. If this is how she feels for him.. and if my feelings for YUmi were similar..

I had unknowingly spent so much time with Yumi that now, it was getting harder and harder to NOT think of her.. I then looked down on my own letter and my eyes widened when I suddenly remembered the letter that she had left for me..

I dropped the pen down on the table and ran downstairs and into the livingroom. Mom and dad were watching tv happily but they looked at me and watched me as I was starting to look on the table and around in the livingroom

"Are you looking for something?" Dad asked slowly

I stopped and looked up

"A letter" I mumbled

"Letter? What kind of letter?" Mom asked

"It's important mom. Have you seen it? She told me she left it here on the table" I said and looked at them

Both of them shook their heads

"No I haven't seen it.. what color is it?" Dad asked and stood up

"Mol la yo.. She just told me that.. she.. left a letter here on the table" I said

"Hmm. yobo ah~~ weren't you cleaning the table earlier? throwing away magazines and such?" Mom asked dad

I looked at dad who was confusingly scratching the back of the head

"Maybe.. it got into the magazines that I threw away.. But I threw it out and the garbage man came earlier and cleaned away all the trashbags" Dad said

I let out a sigh of disappointment

"Sorry son. I didn't know.. I should've been more careful"

I shook my head

"Gwenchana~ It was just a letter.. I don't think it was that important anyway.." I shrugged

"You're sure? It seemed to be important to you" Mom asked

I shrugged

"It's ok.. I'll go to sleep now" I said

"Jjal ja yo" Mom said

I went upstairs, dragging my feet heavily as my disappointment were taking over. I couldn't really blame dad for throwing it away but I just couldn't help but feel somewhat disappointed

I sat down on the chair and looked at the half finished letter in front of me..
I wonder if I was really interested in Yumi in that way or if it was me, just rushing since I wanted to feel something similar to what She was feeling towards the guy..

I really am sad.. so.. hopeless.. Hopelessly in love with a girl who has feelings for someone else. But yet she cared for me, which wasn't according to me not enough and also, when I was thinking about Yumi, I knew that something was definitely different and very special with her but I had no idea what but it just.. made me.. approach her..

And our talks had deepened and I have even hugged her.. kissed her on her forehead.. and she didn't even protest.. Is something happening to me or is it just me goofing around?

I sighed frustrated as I realized that I might have done a mistake. I knew for sure that I loved 'Her' more than anything but now when Yumi comes into the picture, everything is getting a lot worse and somehow I think I was dreaming. dreaming that Yumi is 'Her' and all the emotions that I am feeling, I'm taking it out on her..

I should have really used my brain before doing something like this.. I really should have thought about it..

That's when I realized my mistakes and what I had just done..

I didn't.. have any special feelings for Yumi, even though my heart went a bit overline sometimes, my chest getting warm.. I was imagining that Yumi was 'Her' and somehow my heart were speaking and taking over my body whenever I was around her..

Great.. Great.. Just great..

I have probably done something very unfair to Yumi , not to mention 'her' ..

I started to wonder if I'm really am Crazy..

I mean hallucinating that Yumi is 'Her' ? You must be kidding me..

I really am Crazy.. my heart is..

I knew that I wasn't myself whenever I was around Yumi..

I have to stop talking to her.. I have to stop see her..

I'm going crazy here..

Nothing is making sense anymore, my brain is getting messed up and my heart.. it's confusing me.. It's too much..

I have to stop before I do something even more hurtful, that will cause Yumi or 'Her' pain..