SM’s Practice Room, 10PM KST

I just don’t know what I’m actually feeling right now. Anxiety, exhaustion, sadness, wariness, and even a spark of happiness are mixing into one.  I was being taught by the real choreographer of f(x) and it is so tiring. Like real. It has been a long time since I’ve sweated so much. I danced for 3 hours staright. The real workouts I have been doing are not as tiring as this! And I’m also worried for the camera, I mean.. I have never handled how to do stage act at all, and now BOOM! I have to do this, as a substitute member of f(x) who is requested by a daughter of South Korea’s President.

I do feel tired and sleepy, since I just got back home from Music Bank and I just done an operation this morning! I reviewed the patient’s condition last night till 2AM in the dawn. And here I am pushing my body way too hard. Doing tiring activities from this morning till the night without resting a single second. But I guess it will be worth it since I’m helping Dad, and I’m promising myself that this is the last time I’m going to help him regarding these idol stuffs!

To be honest, I don’t know what feeling that keeps tingling me inside despite all the hateed to the fact that I have to perform tomorrow. Although I am annoyed and yeah, I was forced at first to substitute Sulli, but.. I actually feel some sparks within me while I dance and perform. What is this sign?

“So how’s training? Do you like it?” Amber taps my shoulder.

“Ah, I didn’t know it is so tiring. It must be hard on you guys.” I reply.

“It’s been a habit, actually.” Luna smiles at me and wipes her sweat off using the towel handed by f(x)’s manager.

“So, eonni, I heard that the daughter of our President requested you to substitute Sulli after seeing your pictures online and reading a fanfic of yours? Have you checked on the fanfic she read about?” Krystal asks me. Suddenly all the members direct their gaze to me, looking totally curious with this topic.

“I.. I.. actually didn’t know what fanfic she’s reading since when I searched it online, there are actually… lots of fanfics about me and Kris.” I sigh.

“Including the rated one?” Victoria gasps.

“I… think so. I can’t even open it since it is closed and only members who are registered to that website can access. I don’t even want to think on it.” I shake my head.

“Welcome to the idol life, then.” Amber laughs.

“Although you’re being forced to be an idol…” Victoria adds.

“Yeah.. Thanks.” I reply and I smile.

“So, have you mastered the dance?” Luna asks me.

“Yup, but I’m still afraid that I can’t do well in public tomorrow.” I express my nervousness.

“Debut stage, it’s normal.” Victoria says and the 4 members of f(x) nod.

“You don’t need to worry. As long as you focus on the dances we’ve practiced and on your lines, you’ll do well. And.. don’t forget to smile.” Victoria says.

“That’s true! And I see some idol’s aura in you. And Sajangnim trusts in you so much, so I guess you’ll be good tomorrow.” Amber says.

“Agree! So, goodluck tomorrow for us,” Krystal smiles and we do a group hug before we come back to our dorms.

Yes, I’m staying in SM tonight since I have to get up early tomorrow for the makeup and etc. /sigh/

I have my dinner, I take a bath, watch some live performances of f(x) and listen to some words of advice from Soorim. She loves Kpop afterall, and she gives me the characteristic of good idols. Now I do realize theory is so easy to be spoken but so hard to be done. I’m just so afraid that I will go blank suddenly and the whole audience will throw eggs to me.

Yuck. Just by thinking of that, it gives me a shiver to the spine and I’m regretting so hard upon my agreement to Dad’s request. URGH!

It’s 1AM and I still can’t sleep. It’s not that I’m not tired, but I’m having insomnia, for the first time actually, And I just can’t relax thinking that it’s my debut stage tomorrow. Not officially though, but still… I can’t even think clearly. I need to go to the balcony to find some fresh air.

As I open the balcony door, I’m quite surprised to see Kris is already standing at the balcony, looking at the beautiful environment of Seoul’s night life. Lights which illuminate the darkness are filling the roads of Seoul. The high skyscrapers can be seen in the night due to the massive lights put in the buildings. The night wind is cooling, and the stars are shining brightly, filling the black sky, and becomes a great view to be admired of all people in this world.

I do feel like going back to the room upon seeing Kris is already here, but I shouldn’t do that. I will certainly looked like I’m staying away from him, although that’s the fact. So, I walk near him and admire the beautiful environment of Seoul as well.

“Ah. Looking for some fresh air since you are too nervous of your debut stage?” He looks at me in the eyes.

Have I told you how my energy is being drained totally being starred by Kris? But I have that feeling inside me which hungers for Kris’ presence. So, I’m emotionally drained but fulfilled in the same time. Strange, isn’t it?

I nod. “Ah. Been there.” Kris smiles.

“Remembering back when I debuted, I feel.. happy, so happy and it can be the happiest moment in my life.” Kris says.

“I have waited for that moment for years, and finally my days being trainee is going to end in hours. Being trainee is.. happy yet sad. It’s like you’ve trained and trained without knowing when you will debut. But by being trainees, you can find your brothers. Just like EXO and some of my friends who didn’t get the luck to debut.”

“Yeeun-a. Are my stories boring?” Kris’ words wake me up from my thoughts.

“What? No. Of course not.”

“But you didn’t listen to what I say?”

“Ah.. I listened! But I was deep in thoughts.”

 “What were you thinking about?”

“I wondered about the sadness you guys will have despite the main goal being reached. Your privacies taken, you leave your other trainee friends behind who didn’t have the same luck as you, not forgetting the weariness you’ll forever have by taking the group’s name and SM’s name. It’s not easy.”

“How did you know about it? You’re not even a trainee.” Kris laughs.

“Well, I just know.”

“Now are you keen on telling me about your weariness? Because I’ve been there too.”

 “Well… To be honest I can’t sleep. I can’t even breathe properly. I feel suffocated by my surroundings. Just standing in this building alone give me chills.”

I add, “I know I’m not a real idol, but being requested by the daughter of The President herself, being the one chosen by Dad himself, being Sulli’s substitute.. I am terrified.”

He nods. “You  must be feeling so troublesome, worrying that you will forget the dance moves, forgetting your lines? Am I right?”

“How did you know? That’s just what I feel.”

“I told you I’ve been there.”

“I tell you what. You will enjoy the stage yourself once you step on the stage. You will make the crowd amazed, Yeeun. Because you, yourself are amazing.” He reassures me, by  looking at me intensely right in the eyes and putting his hands on my shoulders.

“I’ll be there tomorrow. When you feel like your heart is going to burst due to the nervousness, just look at me. I’ll be there for you. Now don’t think of any burdens you hold, just let them free. And enjoy the stage, and of course the crowd. Remember to drink and pray too before entering the stage.” He says.

I didn’t know.. that he can be such a great listener and adviser. My burdens felt like lessened a lot after hearing to what he says.

“Kris. I’m actually wondering, why do you guys wanted to be idols so bad despite the consequences you’re going to have?

He smiles.  “Despite only having a few hours to sleep, you live just to please the society, your privacies taken away, you can actually see the excitement in you when people cheer up on you, when people laugh at your jokes, when people actually send in birthday wishes and gifts, and the most important thing, how you change people’s life to be better.”

“Change people’s life to be better?”

“Yes. We may not be the best motivators in the world, but we do give our fans motivations. People who love us will surely follow our habits, and thus, we can change people life. And do you know that we can bring happiness into their life? You’ve seen how the fans scream, shout and even cry in happiness when they see us on stage, haven’t you? We’re happy and pleased to actually entertain them and make their life better, brighter without knowing their real stories in their life.”

I nod. And I didn’t know that being an idol can actually have a huge impact to people. They’re not just dancing or singing or swaying in stage, they’re indirectly.. changing people’s life to be better. Now I know what I should do tomorrow. I’m going to bear in mind, that I’m actually bringing happiness to people by performing on stage.

*Author’s POV*

After having a long talk, and got nothing else to speak about. Kris and Yeeun just stand there and enjoy the night view of Seoul silently, and probably.. enjoying each other’s presences too. 

Little did Kris know, Yeeun  is hoping for his hugs and kisses. Her body hungers of Kris’ warmth around her. But she emphasized to herself that Kris is just a good friend of hers, Kris is a guy who is kind to everybody, not with her alone. And the fact that she couldn’t erase the image of Kris kissing another girl in the club, she couldn’t let herself fall in another trap.

So she just stands there silently, enjoying the view of Seoul in the night, not knowing that Kris wanted to hug her so badly. He himself carves for Yeeun’s presence in his life more than anything.

Looking at the intimacy of Yeeun and Kris, Yunho who accidently saw and heard the whole conversation, closes the door and accept the bitter truth and keeps the heartbreak by himself, knowing that Kris has consoled Yeeun right before him, in which he is not needed for Yeeun anymore.

[AN : Thank you guys for the comments! It made my daaaaay~ and enjoy the update!]