Someone asked me, ‘What was my biggest regret in my life so far?’  And I only have one answer in mind. It was true, regrets always comes last and that you’ll only realized someone’s presence once he or she was gone. And at the end of the day you’ll be bitter thinking over and over again why I haven’t done this, done that… and you’ll be frustrated finding no answers with those questions that clouded your mind.

I grow up on a family with parents who are always absent at home because of business trips and all that’s left in the house were me and my younger sister plus the maids and the driver. Unlike other rich kids who went to school with those nannies and body guards around when we were still young, our parents gave us the freedom to go to school without those persons as we both don’t like it. I was thankful with my parents because it made me independent and hopefully my younger sister would be too.   

When I hit puberty stage, I felt weird about myself when I found myself being attracted to the same . I was confused, am I trapped in a woman’s body with a man’s heart? I yearned to find the answer yet I ended up on accepting the fact that I was infatuated with my classmate which was never acknowledged by anyone because I refused to reveal my true self.

During High School, some would ask me if I am a lesbian or not. I keep mum about it because I was again confused with myself. I somehow felt attracted with those guys at school but I would always be smitten with those girls. When I tried to ask for an opinion from my best friend who accepted me on what I am and who I am, she’ll say I was biual. But I know, if I’m going to rate my attraction on two gender; I say 90% for girls and 10% for boys, then the answer would be I am a lesbian but nah, I’ll play safe, biual it is. 

So, what was actually my biggest regret in my life? It was when I let that person whom I love to slip away from my hand. I was coward back then, some confessed to me and tried their luck but failed when I refused to open up my heart to them. It’s true, I was still secretly in love with my grade school classmate and that was the reason why I can’t open my heart to those who made their efforts so I would noticed their presence. That would be unfair for their part knowing that they love me with all their hearts yet all I could give was the small portion of my heart which I am afraid it wouldn’t be shared either. Because this stubborn heart of mine was still occupied with that someone I doubt would reciprocate my love.

But there was one among those who confessed their love on me that stood up from the rest. Why? Because she never let me be in peace during weekdays, she would always pester me at school or anytime and anywhere that she’ll see me.

“Yo! Jessica, wait up!” She yelled trying to get my attention while I pretended not to hear anything from her and keep my walking fast. I was defeated because she has long legs since she’s taller than me so she caught up with my pace immediately.

“Hey, are you avoiding me? I know what I did was so embarrassing but you left me with no choice you are so hard to get.” She grabbed my wrist and forced me to face her. Her last statement boils my blood, how dare she? 

“Well, Im, I already rejected your confession is it hard to understand that I.don’t.feel.the.same.way.as.you.do?” I asked while emphasizing my words. Well, she’s Im Yoona, if she’s nobody at school she could’ve been humiliated for the rest of her years in school because everyone witnessed how I rejected her confession, though I felt guilty with what I did but I don’t want to be unfair to her and gave her false hope.

Im Yoona, the only daughter of the school’s proprietor she has the beauty and brain, she has a lot of admirers but out of them she would always focus her attention on me, which I don’t really get. Why me? I am just Jessica Jung, nothing special about me.

Even after how many rejections I made, Yoona was still persistent that I was always annoyed at her actions. Instead of slowly falling for her it was the opposite that happens I was fast on hating her.

“You know, even if you say that a lot of times, I wouldn’t stop showering you with my efforts hoping you’ll see how much I love you.” She said and I felt the sincerity of her words but what can I do? Kwon Yuri has my heart even before. I sighed and closed my eyes trying to formulate words that are not so harsh for her.

“Yoona, I appreciated your efforts it’s just that… I love someone else al----” I was talking with my eyes still closed and I felt the need to look at her in the eyes while saying my next words but I wasn’t able to continue because she’s already gone. I sighed heavily; one thing I’ve learned about her is that she hates to hear words like ‘I love someone else’.

Days, weeks, months, and it’s been two years since Yoona had been pestering my college days. I somehow get used to it. One time, she asked me if she could take things slowly between us. If she could be my friend but before I agreed with her I made clear to her my intentions on agreeing with her. She understands it and respected me. Though, at times, she cannot avoid it and get clingy on me and even doing skinships which never made me shivered and get those feelings of butterflies around my stomach.

“You know, I sometimes admire Yoona’s determination on getting your love.” My best friend Taeyeon said when we were having our lunch.

“Don’t tell me, you like her?” I jokingly said and nudged her. 

“Oh please, Sica. I was just saying, besides, what’s wrong when I admire her? She has the looks but I don’t know what happen to her brain or she just had an eye defect that she failed to see you like that.” She rolled her eyes and uttered those words while gesturing her hands with those judging eyes of her but no offense were taken. I got used to it because she was my friend since diapers.

“You know, humans have limitations too. Sooner or later, Yoona will get tired of waiting for you to give your heart to her. I get it that you considered Yuri as your first love but for love’s sake it was clearly unrequited love Sica. Move on from it, can’t you see someone out there is willing to give their love for you even waited for years?” Taeyeon added and I admit it, her words somehow knocked some sense on me.

“I’ll try Tae… but I didn’t know you have some advice stuck inside your erted mind.” I said but couldn’t help it and teased this best friend of mine. She slapped my arms and instead of minding the pain I laughed.

Slowly, I tried to move on from Yuri and entertain Yoona’s efforts for me. Each day that I spent with her, I realized I was slowly opening my heart for her.

“Sica? What’s my status in your heart now?” She suddenly asked while we were walking towards the bus stop since we agreed to take the bus when going home from school.

“I-I don’t know… Yoona… uhm… can we not talk about it first?” I was sure that she was now occupying my heart bigger than Yuri does but I was afraid to admit it and get hurt in the end. I never had been into any relationship before that is why I was scared.

“Okay. But let me know soon what’s your answer becau-- ahh, never mind.” She said while smiling but I felt that she was sad to know that I was still uncertain. I wanted to assure her that when time comes when I’m brave enough to accept anyone’s love for me; I wanted it to be from her.   

She walked me towards the front door of our house and she bid her goodbye not forgetting on giving me a kiss on my cheeks which actually became a routine every time she walked me home.

“Good night Sica. I hope I’ll know your answer soon. Always remember that I love you.” She kissed my forehead for the first time and for the first I felt the butterflies spreading their colorful wings inside my stomach and my face heated. Yet, I have a bad feeling; I somehow felt that this would be the last time we’re going to see each other but I shrugged it off thinking that this might be the effect of the forehead kiss that Yoona just recently gave me.

It was another day I walked inside the school building feeling odd.

“Why is everyone glaring at me like that?” I mumbled quite bothered with those glares that the other students were giving me when I walked passed at them. I noticed that most of them were Yoona’s fan girls and some fan boys were staring at me like judging me for a sin I committed. I continued on walking until I came to a halt when someone grabbed my wrist and in a split of a second I felt a pain on my cheeks.

“Hey, I didn’t do wrong why did you slap me for?” I angrily asked that person who slapped me. It turned out to be one of Yoona’s crazy fan girls the of all es, the head of the cheerleading squad.  

“You did not do wrong? please, you are the one who have the guts to reject Yoona in front of all the students and I don’t understand why you have to give her a false hope. You let her do things that affected her studies, she would skip her evening class just to send you home and last night… she…” I was stunned to hear such revelation maybe my perception for this cheerleader was wrong after all, instead of calling her a it much suited on me.

“She met an accident and that was because of you! If you did not give her that false hope she would’ve stop sending you home… she wouldn’t have been fighting for her life now!”  She forcefully pushed me and I ended up sitting the cold hard floor. Another revelation has been told and I don’t want to believe it.  Tears fell from my eyes and I was too occupied with the thought of Yoona fighting for her life to even wipe my tears away. 

I gathered all my courage and went to the hospital were Taeyeon told me Yoona was admitted to. I saw her lying lifelessly with tubes around her body and beeps of machines were the only sound I could hear. I wanted to go beside her an