This is it.

This is what my whole being is waiting for. I wonder if she can hear my heart thumping loudly against my chest or if she can see the eagerness and nervousness radiating through me. But, she closed her eyes. And I could feel her shallow breaths hitting my face as I lean closer. I inhale her scent when our faces were just merely inches apart. I close my eyes from intoxication. She smells sweet. I leave my eyes closed and slowly lean in even more, making my lips lightly brush against hers.

I feel strong chills go up and down my body. This is very overwhelming. I lean a little closer and I press my lips very lightly against hers, still not really kissing her. I move my head down and press my forehead against hers. My nose touches hers and it makes me shudder from it.

I felt her freeze.

I slightly open my eyes and see her eyes wide as the night sky. I open my eyes all the way and meet hers. I didn’t even think about moving away. Maybe she’s letting me do it…

As if hitting me right where it hurts, disappointment came to me in a rush. Her eyes started watering as she stared right back into my eyes. It nearly broke my heart. But what she did next, just turns my whole heart into ash instead. She places her hands on my chest and weakly pushes me away. I stumble back as if she punched me. My hands fall back to my sides as my back hits the opposite wall. I stare at Charlotte, trying to keep my own tears from falling.

Tears were already flowing effortlessly down her cheeks as she stares shakily at me. She shakes her head once.

“I’m sorry…” She says, her voice barely a whisper.

With that, she runs away.

My knees give out and my back slides down the wall. I stare at the wall in front of me, my vision fading in and out. In a blink of an eye, Charlotte was gone. I lean my head against the wall and look up at the dark sky. I smile bitterly. She chose him. I knew that she would… but I got myself in too deep already.

This side, the one I was scared of, is taking over me little by little now.           

It’s a side that is slowly and painfully driving a knife through me.

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[CPOV]

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I whisper to nobody in particular.

I trip and fall on the sidewalk, my tears falling one after another. I get up on my knees. I let out a loud sob.

“I’m sorry…” I repeat, hitting the sidewalk with my fist.

A few feet away, I hear a deep scream, making my head turn and heart twist. The sound echoes through my ears. I let out another sob as I grab my chest, the place where my heart is.

“I’m so sorry.” I sob. I pull myself up to my feet and start running again; running away from that scream. The scream replays over and over in my head. I grab a handful of my hair on both hands and pull on it as I continue to run. Get out! Get out now! I don’t want to hear this!

I fall down again, my headfirst. I grow still, suddenly feeling exhausted. I let out a shaky breath and look at the floor. Grass. I’m lying on grass. I grip the ground, feeling the grass and dirt on my palm.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper again. This seems to be the only thing I keep saying…

I clench my teeth together from letting out another sob. I gather up all the strength I can and push myself off the ground. I only managed to get up on my knees. I fall back and sit on my . I look around me blankly. I’m at the park. Why is it that I always end up here when something bad like this happens?

My eyes sting again as I think about Seunghyun.

“I’m sorry, Seunghyun.” I whisper again. I just had to leave. I didn’t think, I just ran. He was so close. Closer than YoungBae ever has gone. A sharp pain in my heart sends me shaking again. I pull my legs up to my chest and I wrap my arms around them. YoungBae. Seunghyun. I was so close to kissing Seunghyun. What makes me uncontrollably shake is that when I felt his lips brush against mine… I pictured YoungBae. That’s why I almost let it happen. Then I pictured Seunghyun… it almost made me let it happen, too. And this is what scares me.

I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what’s left and right or what’s up and down anymore. This is all too confusing. Maybe I shouldn’t have come here. Maybe I should’ve stayed in the states. I was sort of fine all by myself…

Who am I kidding? I was so alone back in the states. But here, I’m actually with people… people who don’t treat me like dirt. I’m grateful for the boys, but maybe I got too comfortable with them too fast. Maybe this is my punishment for trusting people too fast. I’m probably better off alone.