I go straight to my room and lie down on the bed. Lying flat on my back, I stare at the ceiling. I need to see her. I haven’t seen her the whole day. The whole day enough just killed me. Why did it have to be Seunghyun hyung? Despite all the food I ate, my stomach feels empty, hollow. I turn my head to the left and eye the pillow. She’s supposed to be here with me.

I turn my body around so I’m lying on my stomach. I throw my pillow at the chair, hard. I grab the other pillow and bury my face in it. I close my eyes and inhale. It still smells just like her, something sweet. I feel like screaming. I can’t stand this. Even if she’s just in the room across from me, I need to know that she’s fine. In fact, I need her here. I want to see her smiling at me across the room. I want to see her climbing into my bed and laying down at the edge. I squeeze my eyes tighter and clench my hand into a fist.

I want to feel her in my arms at night, where we’re in our own world.

“Hyung…”

I ignore the voice and bury my head deeper into the pillow. I felt some weight add on in my bed. I lift my head up and turn my head. I see Daesung, Jiyong, and Seungri sitting cross-legged on the bed. They smile weakly at me.

“What do you want?” I mutter before I let my head drop back on the pillow.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t know what to do.” I hear Daesung apologize.

I shake my head. I sit up and face them. “It’s not your fault.” I say quietly. I glance up and see Daesung with his head hanged. I reach over and place my hand on his shoulder. “Really. Not your fault.”

He looks up at me and smiles a little. As much as I’m suffering, I hate to see Daesung without a smile. I try my best to smile back. I think it looks like a grimace instead.

“Hyung,” Seungri whispers. “You like Charlotte, right?”

I turn my head to him. Does he know? I thought only Daesung knows about everything.

“You like her, too, don’t you?” I question.

Seungri shakes his head and grins, trying to lighten the mood. “Not as much as you do.”

At the corner of my eyes, I see Daesung and Jiyong break into a smile. I sigh and roll my eyes. The boy can break the tension sometimes.

“So, what’s this about with Seunghyun hyung?” Seungri asks as he lets out a sigh of relief.

Daesung shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s weird. I’ve never seen hyung this way.” I sigh at his response. I thought he would know. So, I guess this is all a mystery to all of us. We stay in silence for a few minutes, just lost in our own thoughts. Jiyong’s watch suddenly beeps. He glances at it.

“It’s 10 p.m. already. Time went by fast.” He mutters the last part. “I think we should call it a night.”

Jiyong slaps my back while Seungri smiles before they leave. Daesung sighs. “I’ll see what’s happening tomorrow, hyung. After all it’s my turn tomorrow.” He gives me a smile and an exaggerated wink before he closes the door. I quickly turn off the lights and fall into my bed.

I instantly bury my face in the pillow and inhale. As much as I enjoy having her scent on the pillow, I’m still not as satisfied. The scent on the pillow is not as strong when I bury my face in her hair. I reach over and slide my hand on the left side of the bed, wishing more than ever that she were right there. I grab the cover and hug it close to me. Surprisingly, she’s softer than the blanket. If I thought having a hard time sleeping with her here is bad, I should think again. Trying to sleep without her could just be the death of me.

At least I knew she was with me, now it just hurts thinking about Seunghyun hyung having his arms around her while she sleeps soundly.

But what if she likes Seunghyun hyung? Then there’s nothing stopping them, right? My throat constricts as I think about it. No, no. I can’t think about stuff like that. I gasp for air and punch the mattress several times. For the first time, I feel my eyes tearing up. I clench my jaw and punch the mattress again. I sit up and angrily wipe at my eyes. I’ve never cried like this. In fact, I’ve never even had feelings like this. It’s too overwhelming.

Just when I’m starting to embrace the feelings, someone else takes her away and the feelings backlash at me.

“Calm down.” I whisper to myself. I look out the window and stare at the moon. “Why am I like this?”

But…why am I taking this seriously? She’s just sleeping there for one night, right? It’s not like they’re doing anything… I shake my head furiously. Stop it! Yes, she’s just sleeping there for one night. That’s no harm, right?

My heart squeezes and my throat constricts, as I know that’s a full out lie. No harm done, I think bitterly. This one night is slowly killing me, piece by piece. Just then, I had a feeling of determination take over me. She was never mine to begin with. But, just the same, she was never the others either. Just seeing her with someone else kills me.

I’m determined to earn her heart until she gives it away to someone else.