Kyungsoo’s POV

The mood in the dormitory was pretty down, following yet another loss of a precious member. No one spoke; silence hung in the air like a thick fog. Everyone seemed to be dragging their feet, throwing themselves into whatever project they were working on to keep the mind from wandering.

For me, it was the twins.

They provided me a sanctuary, demanding for my attention and love. And at the same time, showering me with the same love and affection. The pureness and innocence I saw in my boys soothed my emotions; it felt like that cleansed my thoughts of darkness and depression. Not to say that I was ok with them 3 leaving, I just came to accept that some things were just beyond my control. And instantly, I felt relieved, lighter. Still sad, yes. I still wished none of it happened. But I was more at peace.

I wish I could say the same about Jongin.

The way he handled it made me wonder if Tao leaving was the last straw. His anger took days to extinguish. After the anger burned out, hardness took over. His usual playful and joking self was replaced with a rather sinister and hard person. He started becoming distant from me and the boys. I wasn’t sure it was intentional to hide the negativity from our boys but he hardly spent time with them anymore, choosing to stare at the computer screen. Heck, he hardly even touched me these days. To be perfectly honest, I hardly noticed his withdrawal. Perhaps I was too caught up in my own grieving process that I failed to notice. I can still remember the day I finally noticed.

I was getting some laundry done in the room; as I was making my way past the living room to get to the kitchen, I glanced ever so slightly to the twins. To my utter horror, they were playing with the trophies we had won at various music shows. Those cold hard glass figures were sharp and heavy to say the very least! There were probably millions of ways the twins might get injured playing with those. How they even got their chubby little hands on them were beyond me. I rushed over to relieved those hands of the trophies before placing them carefully out of the reach of my two little chunky monkeys. My mouth opened with shock, I turned to Jongin who was sitting on the couch supposedly watching over the twins. Instead, I caught him staring blanking into space, back straight and rigid.  

“Jongin.”

Blank.

“Jongin.”

Still no response.

“Jongin!”

He didn’t jump one bit but some thought and recognition shone through the blanked-out face as he turned his head slightly to regard me. His head tilt slightly in question as I just continued to stare at him in disbelief. Normally he would have smiled and winked at me but this afternoon, his expression remained stone cold.

“Why were the twins playing with the trophies?! Don’t you know how dangerous those things can be?! Why didn’t you stop them?” My tone turned frantic at the blatant nonchalance on his face.

He simply sat back on the sofa and shrugged, “I’m sorry but it was clear to me that they were fine. Beside they were too heavy for them to lift them up; they were playing just fine.”

Staring at the twins, I replied casually, “Well, it’s better to be safe.”

“Nothing happened, they’re still in one piece,” he replied. “Stop coddling them.”

I turned slightly from the twins, bewildered by the way he worded that pronouncement. It was as if he were referring to characters in a story. “What does that mean, ‘They’re still in one piece?”

He shoved so quickly to his feet that the sofa moved back an inch. “I just misspoke. What’s the matter with you today? You’re picking on every little thing?” He wheeled toward the hallway. “Let the children be children. They’ll grow up way too fast as it is.”

“And where are you off to?” I asked, my voice laced with irritation because his criticism had hurt my feelings.

“I’m taking a short nap. Maybe you’ll be in a happier mood when I come back out.”

The way I saw it, I wasn’t the one in need of a mood change. Suddenly it all came dawning on me. Normally he laughed, cracked jokes and made light of things. He also usually helped with the laundry and household chores that needed to be done, but he hadn’t the past couple of weeks. I laid it off to him being tired from dance practice which doubled with the departure of Tao, but deep down, I knew I was only making excuses for him. There was once during a concert when I reached for his arm and he pushed me away. Something was troubling him and he was in grim spirits because of it. Concerned, I followed him into our bedroom. For the first time since we got together, I was genuinely unsure if it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t sure if I should have given him space. I found him sitting on his side of the bed, his elbows braced on his knees, his head in his hands. The dejected slump of his strong, broad shoulders made my heart break. I closed the door softly behind me and stood in front of him.

I chose to say nothing for a moment, giving him the opportunity to shoo me away if he didn’t want me there. When no rejection occurred, I said his name. “What’s bothering you? Why don’t you tell me about it? A problem shared is often a problem solved.”

“The problem is not one that I can solve, Kyung ah.”

Studying the side of his dark face, every line of which had been etched in my memory, I saw him grimace. It was almost as if he wished he could retract his words. Then he straightened and released a long breathe.

“It’s just that yet another one of us left and who knows who will be next.” He slanted a quick glance at me but failed to meet my gaze. His expression was so tortured that I yearned to cup my hand to his lean cheek. But tension rolled off him in waves and I knew instinctively that any sympathetic overture from me would be unwelcome.

“And that’s what bothering you?” I asked, strongly suspecting that he was circling the truth. There had to be more than that. I knew him way too well, perhaps better than himself. “The choices they make are out of our control. We have to simply trust their judgment and hope that whatever choice they made were made after careful consideration. Getting in a dark mood surely won’t help.”

“Would you leave too?” he swung around to look at me, and the intensity in his dark eyes made my nape prickle.

When I didn’t reply immediately, his face darkened. That was when I realized.

There were silences that were harder to take back than words.

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Jongin’s POV

When he didn’t reply immediately, I wasn’t completely sure what to make of it. Part of me knew that he loved me with all his heart and yet another part of me felt the need to consider the possibility. Feeling so vulnerable and open, I just rattled on, saying anything and everything that came to my mind.

“I know that it is out of my control. It is precisely because it is out of my control that I feel so helpless. It is the very reason that I feel like there is nothing I can do to make sure that I won’t lose the biggest part of my life. I used to be so sure that the future I had in mind was certain and unwavering. But you saw how easily Luhan and Kris left. You saw how they left without warning. You saw what it did to Sehun and Tao. And I am no longer certain. No longer sure that it will stay the way it is. When it comes down to choosing between EXO and our boys, you know what you will choose. I, on the other hand, can’t say for sure. Dancing has been my life.”

I couldn’t even bring myself to meet his eyes, keeping mine fixed on the carpeted floor of our bedroom.

“And I hate myself for thinking that way. I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate myself for even having to hesitate. I hate myself for even considering putting my needs before our sons’. But if I were to say that I would choose our boys in a heartbeat, I wouldn’t be telling the absolute truth. I love them so very much, don’t get me wrong. I love them till it aches but…”

My head hung so low, black spots danced across my eyes, my arms dangling by my sides. Having said those thoughts out aloud released a wave of anguish and certainty that those spoken thoughts could no longer be taken back. A single tear escaped. Suddenly, warm arms encircled me. I recognized those arms, oh how I’ve missed them so much. Hi hand curled over the back of my head and turned my face against a chest that I’d explored many times with my fingertips. He silently toyed with a tendril of hair near my temple. As always, his touch electrified my skin.

“Jongin.” His calm, monotonous voice.

Instantly, my heart raced, pounding insanely fast that I could almost hear it at my ears. I wasn’t sure how he was going to react. I hadn’t thought that far when I spontaneously spilled all my inner thoughts.

“Hey,” he murmured. “Look at me.”

I remained still, afraid to see the look of disappointment. When I didn’t move, his hand cupped my chin and gently pushed my face up. When our eyes met, I could no longer hide. His brows were drawn together in a frown. In the darkness of our bedroom, no night-light glowed; only a faint hint of moonshine came through the window, highlight the lines of his unreadable face. My stomach felt as if it dropped to somewhere around my ankles.

“Listen. If the time comes for you to make a decision like that, and I must emphasize the word IF, you will make the right one like you always do.” His voice was firm and assertive; not a hint of flattering. His eyes shone with fierceness and determination. “Never once did I ever doubt your love for our sons, and never will I ever. And I would never leave your side. You, my friend, are forever stuck with me. Come what may; we will face it head-on. As a family; as one. Because that’s what family do. We protect our own. Do you understand?”

I could only stare, trying to peer through the gloom at him. Tears glistened at the rim of my eyes before spilling over as my body shoke from the sobs that raked through my body.

“I’m here. I love you. Go ahead and cry it out. I’ll still be here.”

And I did. I cried my heart out, releasing all sorts of ugly little pressures and tensions that weighed down on me. It felt like a slow walk in a dark dense forest but now a gleam of light shone at the very end.

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Kyungso’s POV

This silly boy.

When the sobs turned to whimpers, I released him and took a step back to stare at his face. “Mop up that handsome face and come out. I’m going to make something to eat. You haven’t been eating well lately and you barely touched dinner just now. Come on, you worry wart, let’s get some proper food in you.”

Wiping his cheeks, he pushed from the bed and followed me out into the lighted hall.

His eyes and face were red and puffy from crying. But the smile he sent me was faint but warm.  “What are we having?”

That was more like it.

He was finally starting to be more like his usual self.