Baekhyun’s POV

Asian Idol Awards, seated at the table

The fear of exposure was still at the top of my mind when we landed in China. If anyone knew, we were doomed. Seriously doomed. It was not just about my relationship with Yeol being way more than just friends and roommates; the fact that I was pregnant now would be more than enough to make people cringe. If it were only me standing to get hurt, I probably wouldn’t be so affected right now. But that wasn’t the case. Kyung and Jongin. Their happy little family. Yeol. Rainbow. Even Dot. EXO members. All of them were vulnerable to the backlash from the public.

As I glanced over to the other table where some members were seated, I saw Kyungsoo and Jongin having all that skinship in front of the live audience. Touching each other’s neck, whispering into each other’s ears. I simply couldn’t understand how they were so at ease and dared to be so lovey-dovey in front of the general public. At such a huge event, there would definitely be photos taken. Those would definitely go up on the internet. Weren’t they worried? Didn’t they think about the consequences? With my tensions up so high, Yeol was definitely not helping by initiating any skinship in public. Not like I was feeling up for any skinship at all. Ever since that incident at the hotel lobby, I hadn’t felt any wants or desire for any y night sessions. I didn’t even want him to touch me. Plus, I had been so exhausted lately for some reason that I just fell asleep the moment my head touched the pillow. Maybe it was from the pregnancy, maybe it was from all the stress and worrying.

So when we were on stage getting ready to perform ‘Wolf’, Yeol came up to my side to whisper in my ear and I flinched away.

“Don’t touch me.” I whispered harshly.

I knew it was uncalled for and unnecessary but at the moment, I was just too afraid that fans would see. The shock on his face was almost immediately. But before he could react, the emcee introduced our next performance of ‘Wolf’. As we danced the familiar routine, his eyes were trained on me. I didn’t want to catch his eyes but when I did, I saw hurt and disbelief shining in his bright eyes. Maybe some anger as well. His mouth still hung slightly agape. How could you do this to me? Though he didn’t say those words, there was no doubt that was what he was thinking.

Now that our performance had ended, we were seated side-by-side at the table to watch the award ceremony. The air between us was evidently awkward and strained. Our chairs were so far apart and we hardly paid any attention to each other. I kept my eyes fixed on the stage. Seated at the edge of the table, the only one beside me was the one I was avoiding. Looking over at him, I saw that he was his cheery self and chatting with the other members at the table.

 

 

 

I never felt so alone.

I was lonely. I felt it deeply and permanently, that this state of being on my own might never disappear. Yeol might not want me anymore. I saw the look on his face when we were performing ‘Wolf’. But what was weirder was the fact that I welcomed this loneliness. Although it nibbled away at my insides and made me feel horribe, it wasn’t going to give my family away, it wasn’t going to give our secret away. If that was what it took to keep my baby and Yeol safe from public backlash, I would gladly take it on.

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Chanyeol’s POV

Mood swing again?

No.

This was getting way out of hand.

Don’t touch me.

Truth be told, it stung. His words hit me like I didn’t think it would. His sharp and cold words stabbed me in the heart like an old rusty blade. Throughout the performance of ‘Wolf’, his words repeated over and over again in my head. And I couldn’t believe he could say such things to me. No matter how bad his mood was in the past, it never ever resulted in this. We had fights, countless of them, but at the end of the day, we never pushed each other away. Instead we gravitate to each other and seek solace in each other’s arms.  We relied on each other. We needed each other.

Now I just felt like he was completely shutting me off.

Anger burned through my veins.

I was angry, no denying it.  And it was a paralyzing emotion ... I couldn’t concentrate. People sort of think it was an interesting, passionate, and igniting feeling. But no, I didn’t think it was any of that. It was helpless; it was the absence of control. It was frightening.

As I sat here at the table watching the award proceedings, my mind churned over the recent events. Now that some time had passed since I heard those hurtful words, the initial shock, anger and betrayed feelings gave way to something else. Compassion? Understanding? Maybe. I felt myself trying to put myself in his shoes. But of course, I couldn’t. Glancing over to him, I saw that his look was pensive and distant now. And for the first time in the years I had come to know him, he had reverted back to his old self, shut away from the rest of the world. The walls around his heart were up once again, just like the first time I met him, but with metal reinforcements this time.

 

 

 

I had to do something.

The mood between us right now was so heavy and loaded that it didn’t feel like us anymore. This wasn’t what defined our relationship. This wasn’t what we were like. Laughter, smiles, all that was missing.

So I decided to make the first move.

I with the lamp, trying to fool around with him once again. He turned to look at me, stunned. A myriad of emotions flashed across his face. Shock. Disbelief. Uncertainty. Confusion. Amusement. For a moment I saw a glimpse of the real mischief he had in him as he took his own water bottle and hit me. Hard. Wincing at his hit, I rubbed the sore spot and smiled sheepishly. After a loaded stare, the corners of his lips lifted ever so slightly before it completely disappeared and he turned back to face the stage. He laid a tentative hand on my thigh. And as quickly and fleetingly as his smile, his hand left my leg almost instantaneously.

 

 

What was holding him back?

We used to have so much skinship. So many moments to ourselves, even in the public. We were always having fun together, fooling around together. We were never afraid to show our affection for each other. We never held back.

But now?

Did we grow distant without me even knowing? This was more than just a mood swing. His emotions didn’t swing back. His every touch or smile for me seemed so calculated and careful. The air between us was tense and broken off. And that hurt. The reason it hurt so much to be so separated was because our souls are connected.

Or at least, I thought so.

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Baekhyun’s POV

This was the right thing to do.

But why did it feel so wrong?

Why did I feel like the world was crumpling down around me, spiralling into an endless pool of darkness? Why did it feel like the end of the world for me? Why?

As I stood out here in the hallway, I never felt so dejected in my life. Not even the time when I had all that self-doubt right before our debut. Not even when my father left me and my mother. I felt like a piece of me was missing, which made no sense to me. I had what I had always wanted. A loving partner, a baby, a career as an idol. What more could I ask for? The loneliness was just a tiny price to pay. I stopped in front of the hotel room that Jongin and Kyungsoo shared. I hated to disturb them, hated to burden their happiness with my troubles but I didn’t know who else to go to.

Raising my hand, I gave their door a firm knock.

The moment Kyungsoo opened that door and took one look at my face, I knew he would understand.

“I need to talk.” I whispered.

They ushered me into their room and sat me down on their bed.

“What’s the matter, Baek?” Kyungsoo’s soothing voice and his warm hand on my shoulder brought me some comfort. Maybe I wasn’t that alone after all.

“It’s Yeol.”

“What did he do this time?”

“I can’t stand to be seen with him lately. It started out in public but now even when we are alone together, I have been so harsh and cold towards him. I know that it is very bad of me but I just can’t help it. I don’t want him to touch me or even speak to me. I don’t even want to look at his face,” I blurted out as my eyes filled up with tears that threatened to spill. If they were shocked by my outburst, they showed no signs of it. Instead they calmly got tissue and wiped my tears off my face.

“What brought this on?”

“I don’t want the public to see us together and guess that we were in a relationship. What if they find out about that and the baby? It doesn’t help when he always wants to publicly display his affection; it just makes me more irritated with him. Am I a bad person? It’s not that I don’t love him. I do! I really do! And I feel so bad but the next moment I am with him again, those feelings returned. All the irritation and annoyance towards him. I just…” I began to cry, not hysterically or screaming like when people cried to conceal rage with tears, but with continuous sobs as one who had just discovered that he was alone. I cried because the safety and reason that I had known seemed to have left the world. Loneliness became the only reality.

They let me cry my heart out, until my throat turned raw and my eyes were red and swollen. Then Jongin spoke, gently and softly.

“You know, pregnancy tend to intensify any emotions that you are going through. Maybe it’s not Yeol per say. Maybe this stems from the other concern that you have.”

Nodding enthusiastically, Kyungsoo added, “You are not irritated with him. It is more like you are afraid to be exposed and so you want to minimise the interactions you have with Yeol so that people cannot tell.”

That’s right. I knew that they would understand and take my side.

“But that’s where you are wrong.” Kyungsoo wagged a finger in my face

Or not.

Slowly their faces turned stern and firm.

“That is not the way to go about a relationship. For starters, have you tried speaking to him about this issue? No. You just pushed him away without any explanation. How do you think that makes him feel? Left out and abandoned, probably. Yeol had always been an expressive and open type of person and for you to deny him that right without any reason whatsoever is like a betrayal to him as a lover, Baek ah. Don’t you see?” Kyungsoo‘s face was creased into a frown.

Suddenly I did.

I really did.

What had I done?

Then Jongin added with firm tone, “On the issue of exposure, we too are worried. We too have so much at stake. But we realised that life is too short to be wasted on worrying about things that we cannot control. We were not going to waste the time that we could have spent together on what-ifs. When the public comes to know, we will deal with it then. As of now, we decided to focus on keeping the twins’ existence a secret but for our relationship, who cares? The fans already set up fanclubs for us as a couple, it wouldn’t hurt to up our interactions just a notch now, would it? But that is our decision. I suggest you have a good long talk with Yeol and settle your difference. All this moping and stress is not good for you and the baby. Remember Baek, your life is no longer yours and yours alone. What you feel the baby feels as well. Spare a thought for Rainbow.”

I was trying to protect them and ended up hurting them?

I guessed they saw some realisation appear on my face, because their faces softened. “Try talking to him, Baek. Let him understand what is going through your mind. He has grown so much the past few weeks. He might just be exactly what you need right now.”

 

 

 

As I walked down the hallway, I recollected my thoughts.

Well, least to say, I needed that prep talk. It was harsh, but it was a much-needed wake-up call.

I still left down and alone but there was some light at the end of the tunnel. Some hope. Some optimism. I stopped in front of the door and took a deep breath. My heart was thudding wildly as I tried to prepare myself for the talk to come. Slipping my card into the door lock, I willed myself to push the door open.

Darkness enveloped me the moment I stepped into the room. After my eyes adjusted to the lack of light, I saw a lump under the comforter on the bed and realised that Yeol had already fallen asleep.

I guessed the talk would have to wait till tomorrow. I let out a sigh of relief. Call me a coward but I was really afraid to have this conversation with him. For what reasons, I wasn’t too sure myself. Perhaps I was afraid of myself, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stem down the irritation and end up ruining the relationship between us. That was the last thing I wanted to do with Rainbow on the way.

So I washed up and crawled into bed, falling into a dreamless sleep.

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Chanyeol’s POV

In the hotel room

I was pacing up and down the hotel room. Where was he? Was he avoiding me? Where would he go in the middle of the night? He didn’t even take his handphone with him! He just left without a word. I chewed on a nail as I worried incessantly.

Suddenly, I heard a card slide into the door lock. As if instinctual, I dove into the bed and pretended to be asleep.

Then I heard him enter and let out a deep sigh of relief.

He left the room, only to return when I had fallen asleep.

 

 

 

So he was avoiding me after all. 

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A/N: As promised, Baekyeol~ This is a double update! Remember to read the chapter before this as well~

Hope you guys liked both chapters :D

Leave a comment ^^~

 

 

Yeol not too happy with Baek

Baek staring at Yeol

Baek touching Yeol