Baekhyun’s POV

In the hotel room

This morning, I woke up to an empty bed.

The dent in his pillow was still warm but he was nowhere to be seen. His belongings were still in the room, just him. He was gone. A confusing mixture of feelings overwhelmed me. Relief was a big part of it, mainly from the desire to avoid talking to him or to even face him. But there was undeniably a pinch of disappointment that his face was not the first thing I saw this morning.

A knock on the door sent me into a frenzy as I struggled out of bed to make myself somewhat presentable, before dashing to the door.

“Ye----  Oh.”

It was just my coordi noona, coming to prepare me for the recording of the China Big Love Concert. The disappointment intensified as I tried to hide it from her.

“Where’s Yeollie?”

“Hm?” She answered absentmindedly as she styled my hair, “He’s in Kris’s room, probably having his hair and makeup done as well.” Kris’s room? What was he doing there? He was avoiding me? Once she was done with me, I sat on the bed in the empty hotel room, staring despondently at the wall, having an internal conversation with myself.

Well, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?

Yes!

Then why are you moping?

I’m not moping!

Oh?

Well, I’m not!

But you’re missing him, wanting to be in his arms. And you’re angry that he chose to have his makeup done in someone else’s room.

Well, what’s wrong with missing him and being angry at that?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Leave me alone.

Silence. For minutes and minutes, only obedient silence hummed inside my head.

If you wanted him with you, you should have just said something.

I don’t want him with me.

Oh, sorry. I thought that’s why you are moping.

I’m not moping.

 

 

 

But I was, and I knew it. There was just something so obvious about emptiness, even when I tried to convince myself otherwise. Pride and selfishness muddled with strength and independence. That was the emptiness I felt.

~

China Big Love Concert

The first time I saw him today was the moment I entered the stage for the China Big Love Concert. We sat separate vans to the concert venue. By now, the long absence had caused the disappointment to overshadow the relief. I was practically aching for him. But he remained indifferent towards me. So he was avoiding me. Once the recording started, he was his usual cheery happy-go-lucky self that provided reactions to every single comment the hosts or members made. I could hardly focus on the recording with my mind wandering endlessly. I tried my best to put on a smile for the camera but it was hard. I went through the motions, playing the games, drawing on the drawing pad, guessing the image etc. But my mind was always somewhere else.

Yeol.

The recording went on in a blur. Somehow, one thing led to another and before I knew it, I was on one knee, proposing to Yeol. As I held my hands out to him, our eyes met. He looked mighty fine today. All tight lean muscle, with ivory smooth skin and a mouth as soft as rose petals. Hair as black as night, and eyes as bright as the sun. I just wanted us both to forget the conflict between us and put the past behind. I was so sick and tired of this distance between us emotionally that all I wanted to do was give in and give up.

“Marry me, Chanyeol.”

But those words held another meaning.

I’m sorry. Forgive me. I was wrong. I was mistaken. I want you back. No, I need you back. That’s all I need. I just need you back.

I searched his eyes but his expression was hard to read. Lowering my head, I stayed in that position and waited for his response.

Say yes, please. Just say yes.

 

 

 

 

”No.”

What?

Then he just whipped around and pointed to Kris.

 

 

 

Jerk.

A pretty handsome jerk, I might add, but a huge, colossal mega jerk nonetheless!

Anger rushed through my veins the moment I saw him choose Kris.

But the more I thought about, the more the upset and disbelief clouded the anger.

How could he?

How could he just do that to me?

I reacted to his public rejection the way I should for the cameras. I continued the recording the way I should for the audience. I sang in a helium voice for laughs. I did everything that the other members did, everything the hosts asked me to. But I was empty inside. A hollow shell of a man. My hand often toyed over my stomach, hoping to seek comfort from Rainbow. But it reminded me too much of him. Tears threatened to spill but I knew I couldn’t do that so I it up and shut off any thoughts, simply going through the recording without much of a thought.

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Chanyeol’s POV

Did I feel sorry for blowing off his ‘proposal’? Yes. The look on his face threatened any resolve I had in me. Did I regret doing it? No. Absolutely not. For starters, it was good variety sense; it made the show interesting.

But the main reason was because I was mad at him.

I understood the underlying meaning behind that proposal. I saw the look in his eyes.

And I didn’t accept that.

Not that I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. I just felt that it was too simple, too superficial for a problem that ran so deep. I gave him space since morning, giving him a wide berth of distance. Because I thought that was what he wanted. Because I thought that was what he needed. Not because I wanted to punish him or anything like that. I thought giving in to him was much easier and probably better for his well-being as well as Rainbow’s. I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable or upset especially in his current state. Especially after what he had went through.

But the whole ‘proposal’ and its subtle meaning at the recording angered me. It was like an insult. Behind that apology I saw no intention to explain, no intention to share his burden. I still saw the walls, the same guarded look, the same closed-off Baekhyun when we first met in that training room. And it made me realised that giving him the space he wanted was making him miss the whole point.

So the moment we reached the hotel, I loitered behind him, waiting for him to enter our room before entering and locking the door behind us.

Silence fell between us, made more awkward by the passing minutes and the fact that there was something so paramount on our minds.

Then, I felt a hard shove and fell backwards into the door.

“You jerk! How could you?”

Baek’s hands were raised, poised to give me another shove, when I gripped both his wrists and pushed him further into the hotel room. “How could I what?”

“How could you reject me like that? In front of everybody? In front of cameras? How could you?!” He shrieked as his eyes narrowed into a death glare. He violently shook his hands free with a grunt.

“You were the one who wanted space. You were the one who said not to touch you. YOU were the one who pushed me away!”

“Don’t you dare turn this around and blame it on me!” His face was flushed with anger as he raised his voice, jabbing his finger painfully into my chest.

“Blame you?! BLAME YOU?!” I was so flabbergasted that I just wanted to go in a room and break things and scream. He still didn’t see. He still didn’t get it.

“Didn’t you see that the proposal was me trying to apologise?! Didn’t you see that I was making the effort to close the gap between us? I was asking for forgiveness! And what do you do? You completely BLEW ME OFF!” He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation and started to walk away. And that tiny gesture made me madder than mad. It hit me like an insult, like he thought I was too immature to see, that I was too selfish to accept that apology, that I was completely at fault here. All the resolve I had to give in to him, all the controls I had in place to control my emotions, all shattered instantly.

“I'm as mad as hell, and I'm NOT going to take this ANYMORE!” I yelled.

Startled by my voice, he whirled to face me, his expression incredulous. His eyes widened as he froze at the sudden change in my tone. Words seemed to fail him for a moment. Once I captured his attention, I continued, just as firm and stern.

“You think a simple apology can resolve the entire issue?! You think I’m just going to let this slide and ignore the underlying root of the problem?! You think we could just forget everything and move on?!” The anger within me spurred me on. “What are you to me, you once asked me. So now it’s my turn. What am I to you? Nothing, apparently. Have you spared a single thought for me when you whispered those harsh words to me on stage? Have you taken me into consideration when you ignore me and avoid me? NO! I was never on your mind, was I? You don’t even give me a bloody thought for me, let alone a chance to do anything. I don’t even know what is going through your mind anymore. I don’t have a FREAKING clue about your train of thoughts. So how do you think I feel when you just shut me off without so much of an explanation??!”

I panted slightly from all the pent up anger and shouting and stared at him. His head was hung low and he stared at the ground. Unable to see his face, I wasn’t sure what he was feeling.

“Look at me, for goodness sake. Is that too much to ask for?” I roughly cupped his face in one hand and lifted it up to face me. His eyes was bright with anger and rebellion.

 I had not expected that.

He raised a hand and slapped mine off his face before he trained a defiant glare at my face.

 

 

 

 

What the hell?

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Baekhyun’s POV

What the hell?!

The way he was shouting was as though he thought he was right! And who was I doing all this for in the first freaking place?! I swatted his hand off my face and looked him dead in the eye.

“I was trying to do all I can for you, damn it,” I gave him another hard shove. “I was doing what I could for YOU!”

“For me? FOR ME?” He roared but it neither scared nor intimidated me. Though he towered over me, I stood my ground and kept my eyes fixed on his. “Where do I come into the picture, huh? The part when you push me away? The part where you shut me off? Tell me, Baek. IN WHAT WAY IS THAT FOR ME?”

“YES, IT WAS FOR YOU, alright?! I did it all for you! I did it to protect you! I did it to protect our family! You saw it yourself that day at the hotel lobby, how close we were to being found out! Don’t you see how vulnerable we are to public if our secret gets out? Don’t you see that all of us stand to get hurt? Not just you and me! Rainbow! Kyungsoo and Jongin! The twins! The rest of the members! I am not going to risk anything. I will not compromise on anything when it comes to the happiness and safety of all of us!”

I saw his jaw muscle ripple as if he was struggling to control his anger. He took a deep breath and let it out.

“So you think that by being noble and all will solve the problem? You think that by isolating yourself, you can save the rest of us? You think that just by not interacting, no one would know? Are you five years old or something? We are a FREAKING family! What of that does your dense brain not understand?”

“Oh I understand just fine, thank you very much! Have you even heard a word I said?! You are being so childish and immatu---“

He gripped me by the shoulders hard and my words got stuck in my throat.

“No. YOU listen to me. I’m not done here. We are a family! And families stick together. We are ONE! Neither of us are complete without the other. This problem is OURS, not yours alone. What makes you think that you are the only one who has to make a sacrifice? Wait. No. What makes you think that this is EVEN IN YOUR CONTROL?! What makes you think that this will somehow prevent the public from finding out? This is way beyond us, it is not something that we have control over. Yes, we can take precautions but yours are way too extreme. Is that how you want to live your life? Cowering in fear at what other people say? Letting them dictate how you should act and feel?”

He took another breath and pondered for a nanosecond, “You know what? I don’t even think that this is about the public knowing.”

What? What was he saying?

“Oh yeah? What is it about, then?” My head lifted ever so slightly in rebellion.

“You are afraid to love. And afraid to be loved. That’s what all this is about, isn’t it? Because love tends to strip bare all emotional barricades. The incident at the lobby just reminded you that this happiness we have as a family can be so easily taken from you that you became afraid. Afraid that you might lose it all, am I right? So you build all those walls around your heart and block everyone else out. You are just afraid of getting hurt. Just like the time when your father walked out on you and your mother.”

 

 

 

 

 

I was speechless.

I had no idea what to think.

Every bit of defiance and strength left me. The realisation hit me like a train training at full speed. Remorse spread its hot charges through me. With it came sudden stinging tears. I sat down on the bed in misery, with my heart painfully clamouring and a lump in my throat that felt the size of a baseball.

 

 

He was right.

The emotional scars from my father’s departure must have left a deeper wound than I thought. It had not occurred to me that it all stemmed from my desire to have a long and stable relationship that I wanted to protect the one I had with Yeol so badly. Only I went about it the wrong way. Kyungsoo’s and Jongin’s words from last night reaffirmed what Yeol had just said. They were right. All of them. They saw what I couldn’t see.

“You asked why I couldn't forgive you at the concert today," he said, very quietly, and I jumped a little. "It was because you are the love of my life, Baek. And for the past few days, it seemed like you didn't want to be. That's hard to let go.”

He knelt down in front of me and his hands reached out to wipe the tears from my face. “When I first met you, you isolated yourself from everyone. I worked really hard to bring down those walls. I fought every way into your heart. I battled every step to find the real you. The one who loves to laugh, play and have a good time. The one who is optimistic and enjoys life. That’s the Baek I fell in love with. The real you. When you miscarried, you locked yourself up again and I was so worried but you pushed through. You fought your way back to me. Back to me. But this time, it was different. You blocked ME out. And it scared me less, to be honest. I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I thought you didn’t care for me anymore. I thou----“

“I care," I said in a trembling voice. "I care so much that I don’t know how to tell you without it seeming inconsequential compared to how I feel. Even if I was distant at times and seemed as if I do not want to be with you, it is only because this scares me, too. I don’t want any of this to be taken from me. Rainbow. You. EXO. It all seemed too good to be true. I was so blissful and then at the hotel lobby, reality came crashing down. I got so scared. You are right. I am afraid. I am so…”

“Sweetheart, that’s what I’m here for. We are in this together, as a family. The public will come to know, eventually. But that won’t change what we are to each other. It's like there's always been a piece of my soul missing, and it's inside you, Baek. The past few days were so suffocating and horrible. Why can’t we just enjoy every day that we have together? Whether the public knows or not will not change how we feel about each other, will it?”

He pushed erect and sidled toward me. As I sat unmoving, he stopped, moving his black glaze slowly over my face, and then cupped my chin in his hand, trailing his thumb lightly over my cheek. “Maybe someday the walls of your heart will come up again, maybe they won’t. But always bear in mind one thing.”

“What?” I asked shakily.

“No wall will be high enough to block me out. That’s for sure.”

I sank deeper into the bed, the tension in my body draining away.

He released my face and threw his arms wide open. “Come here, sweetheart.”

I stared dumbly at his open arms for a second before I threw myself arms, propelled by the force of anguish. I clasped him, burrowing into his chest, accepting his consolation as I cried out the negativity and worries accumulated over the past few days. He held me, rocked me, let my tears wet his shirt.

 

 

 

At the end of the day, without love, strength and independence would just lose every bit of their worth, becoming nothing more than a fearful, intimidated, empty shell of me. As I felt Yeol’s warm strong arms around me again, my entire being felt completed.  

And with that, the walls came crumbling down once again. 

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A/N: So I couldn't wait until the broadcast for this chapter but I think I'll wait for it to write the Kaisoo part. ^^

Hope you guys liked it~ Leave a comment ;D