Baekhyun’s POV

In the bathroom a few days later

Negative.

Looking at the pile of used pregnancy tests in the bathroom bin, I couldn’t help but sigh. With each failed pregnancy test came an incremental deflation, accompanied by a seizure of disappointment and guilt. I threw the used pregnancy test I was holding into the bin. My hopes were all dead, struck down with the constant setbacks. I looked on my cherished wish to bear a child, yesterday so blooming and glowing; now it just lied stark, chill, dead.

Was it even possible?

Could I even do it?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chanyeol’s POV

In the bathroom

I stared at the bin beside the sink.

All that pregnancy kits. How many did he take? Was he pregnant?

I randomly picked one out and saw that it showed negative.

How did I feel about that? Definitely not disappointment. Which was surprising because that was how I expected to feel if Baek didn’t manage to get pregnant. So how did I actually feel about the negative pregnancy test? I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t quite put on my finger on it.

Before I could sort out my feelings, the bathroom door swung open. Crouched down by the bin, I looked up to see Baek standing at the door with a horrified expression.

“B---“

I had barely opened my mouth when he rushed into the bathroom. In one swift move, he violently pushed me backwards, causing me to land on the hard bathroom floor. He then proceeded to hover protectively over the bin.

“Wha---“

“Get out!” He shouted. His back was facing me, his posture hunched over the bin, hiding his face from me. Too stunned by the sudden intrusion, I just sat on the cold bathroom floor and stared at the back of his head.

“GO AWAY!” He shrieked.

Then it clicked. His defensive posture. The cold sting from the bathroom floor. The negatives. The number of pregnancy tests. The words he had said in the past about his fear of failing.

So that was what I was feeling.

Concern. Worry. Anxiety.

 

For him.

All this was new to me.

I got up wordlessly from my position on the cold hard floor and slowly made my way towards him. One step at a time. Cautiously. As silently as I could. I didn’t want to startle him further. He was either too absorbed in hiding the bin from me or he simply didn’t hear me approaching. When I was sure that I was close enough, I reached out and wrapped my arms around him in one quick move. I heard him gasp in shock as I pulled him backwards into my chest. After that moment of surprise, he started to resist and struggle against my grip. His nails clawed into my skin. His body tried to twist his way out. His legs kicked furtively at the air, pushing both of us to the ground. Despite his efforts, I never once gave up and continued hugging him as tightly as I could.

“Let me go!” He tried to loosen my intertwined fingers to no avail.

Eventually, he was the one who gave up and his body went limp. Both of us laid still on the bathroom floor, exhausted from the wrestling. The minute I felt the starch in his body disappear, I loosened my arms and lifted the both us up from the floor until we were both sitting upright on the floor. I turned him to face me.

The colour of defeat and insecurity choked his pupils as he stared at the ground, sitting slumped against the bathroom wall.

I didn’t know the words to say. I didn’t know the moves to make.

He slowly lifted his head to look at me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baekhyun’s POV

The lost look in his eyes. The sensitivity that shone through. The desire to do something for me was plain and clear. I could see that desire burning in his eyes. And I saw the hesitation in every move he made. I never felt this vulnerable around him before, or around anybody for that matter. Not even when I told he cheated on me in the park. I used to believe that the minute you showed your weak side, people were going to take advantage of you. So who could blame me for always trying to be brave? I had trust issues as a child; and that followed me even up till this present day. I just wanted to protect myself. But that look in his eyes just tore all my defences away like they were made of paper. I couldn’t hide. I couldn’t lie. I could only trust.

His face was pale, and he dropped to the floor so that he was half kneeling, half sitting before me. "Baek ah.."

So simple.

No need for words.

No need for actions.

All from his eyes.

I saw no disappointment. I saw no anger. Instead I could see the sincerity. I could see the concern. I could see the worry. At this very moment, I saw that nothing other than my welfare was of his concern. I could see all his focus on me.

For once in my life, I felt like I was the most important person to someone. Like all my flaws didn’t matter. Like I was perfect anyway. I was never felt that way as a child. My mother blamed me for causing my father to leave. My classmates bullied me in school. Teachers would clack their tongues when they see me. Things took a turn for the better when I got to know Chanyeol. Being in a relationship with him did make me feel special. I knew I was important to Chanyeol. However, I guessed I never did feel like the single most important person to him.

Not until today.

 “If you move one step forward, darling, you can cry in my arms. And while you do, I'll tell you how sorry I am for everything I've done -" Unable to wait, I rammed my body into his awaiting chest, cutting him off mid-sentence.

I buried my face in the crook of his neck and wept brokenly.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chanyeol’s POV

I pulled him tightly against me. "And when you’re finished," I whispered hoarsely as he wrapped his arms around me and sobbed uncontrollably, "you can help me find a way to forgive myself."

I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to forgive me. Who was I to demand so much of him? Who was I to simply take and never give. I had never seen him so vulnerable, so scared. And scared of who? ME. I could see him searching my face for signs of disappointment. Like I was going to lash out at him for not getting pregnant. After all, I was the most familiar to his background, what he went through as a child. I had seen the walls he had built around his heart from the first day we met. I had known all along his inner desire to be loved and appreciated. And yet…

Tortured by his muffled cries, I clasped him tighter and rubbed my jaw against his temple. "I'm sorry," I told him, my voice a ravaged whisper. I cupped his face between my palms, tipping it up and gazing into his eyes, my thumbs moving over his wet cheeks.

“Baek..”

Ugh. The trust in his eyes were just…

“There is no need to rush. There is no pressure. Do I want to have children with you? Sure I do. Do I need to have children with you right now? No. Most definitely not. We have the rest of our lives together to create our family. We can afford to take our own sweet time.”

“But… It’s not so much about the timing. I am not sure if I can even bear children, Yeol ah. Before Kyungsoo, I had never even heard about mpreg before. That means it’s rare. Too rare. The odds are that I may not be as lucky as Kyungsoo. I may not be able to have biological children with you.”

“Then so be it. We’ll adopt. Simple. I have told you before. I will tell you again. There is no pressure on you. Of course we will continue to try; women too don’t always get pregnant on their first try. If all else fails, then we will always have the option to adopt.”

“But it was easy for Kyungsoo.”

“You think he got pregnant the first time? Of course not. Who knows how many times they done it before they became pregnant with twins.”

“I really really want to create a child with you, Yeol ah. I just want to have a warm and happy family. I yearn for a child so badly that it aches in my heart.”

“I know. I know. We will try. I promise. I just don’t want to see you like this after every time we sleep together. I just want you to enjoy and not stress about getting pregnant.”

“I’ll try.”

And…

My stomach had to growl. A low loud growl filled the silence between us.

What an anti-.

 

 

Well, at least that loosened up the mood a little as both of us couldn’t help but smile.

 

 

“Come on, big guy. Let’s get some food in you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Sorry guises..... ಥ_ಥ Don't kill me ><

Leave a comment~