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Kyungsoo’s POV

The whole saga about Kris leaving, followed by Luhan, felt like one comet after the other, came crashing down on us with no warning whatsoever. They just packed up and left in the dead of the night when no one was awake. When Kris left, Suho hyung sat us all down and we poured our emotions out that night. It had taken us weeks to recover, to function again, though I don’t think any one of us truly recovered from the gaping emptiness of Kris leaving.

And then Luhan left.

The reactions this time around were completely different from when the time Kris left. Instead of clinging on to the slightest hope that he might return, it drove a divide amount the members. Which, of course was the worst thing that could happen.

It didn’t happen immediately.

No. It crept up slowly and before we knew it, the members were not speaking.

Ok that isn’t entirely true. The members were speaking to each other.

All but one.

All but Kim Jongin.

I still remember the morning we found out that Luhan left. The shock, the loss of trust and yet another brother, all those emotions were just as painful and fresh as those felt when Kris walked out the door and out of our lives. But we didn’t have any time to dwell with all the concerts and appearances. When we were at the dormitory, there were the twins and the baby to keep our minds off the whole loss of two members.

At night, I seek solace in the arms of the man I loved with all my heart. Every kiss, every caress, every whisper and a bit of starch left my spine. We would kiss until our lips were swollen, ignoring the world as if only the two of us existed. Perhaps we were too desperate to drown our sorrows or we just couldn’t get enough of each other but there were days when we had no choice but to wear masks to airports because our lips were too swollen from all the kissing. But now on hindsight, I should have known back then what he thought of Luhan leaving. Maybe I did know but just refused to acknowledge it.

Flashback: 140920 The Lost Planet in Beijing

Being on stage put everyone in an extremely good mood. The adrenaline rushing through our veins provided a much-needed relief from the heavy burden of the emotions we were experiencing. Without prior agreement, we just put aside all worries and burdens to simply enjoy the moment. Even Jongin was in an excellent mood. Well, of course he was in a good mood. Last night was well... passionate. I shan’t go into too much detail. Let’s just say we hardly slept.

And that kid had this grin on his face that refused to disappear the moment he opened his eyes this morning. Just making eye contact was enough to make my face flush bright red if I weren’t too tired from the lack of sleep. During rehearsal, I literally just stood on stage, wanting to conserve any energy I had left. And yet, Jongin was dancing away with that jack- huge grin on his face as if he had the world in his palm.

All that excitement as he danced towards me and one touch of his palm on my chest was enough to send a surge of electricity felt throughout my body as memories of last night flashed across my mind.

I guess I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind since then. Maybe I was tired from the night before. But during the concert, somehow, I felt like my defences weakened. The negative emotions from Kris and Luhan leaving came weighing down on me. You know how they say, once you fall into darkness, it just drags you deeper and deeper, further away from the light. That was how I felt. There was something so heavy about the burden of the past. I wasn't sure I had it in me to keep looking back. I felt like I was falling apart. During the concert, as we sang XOXO, the scenario was supposed to be Jongin’s group and my group battle it out on the dance floor. It was supposed to be pushing and rough handling. But when he was just right in front of me, I just couldn’t resist it. My hands moved as if they had a mind of their own and reached for his chest. I trailed my palm down his shirt, feeling the hard lean muscles under the fabric. I need you was all I could think about. My other hand found his neck and our eyes met. Just for a split second and instantly I knew he could sense what I was feeling. And his arm swung upwards to wrap around my neck and HE LEANED IN FOR THE KILL. His face was just inches from mine and I could almost smell his sweet breath. I immediately became so aware of our surroundings and instinctively leaned away. Even though I knew I should pull away, my arms refused to come away from his waist.

Just a little longer.

Hold me a little longer, Jongin ah.

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Jongin’s POV

Maybe I should have let him sleep last night.

As we lined up for the tree formation in Wolf, I waited for Baek to leave to sing his part before I glanced up. And I knew sleep wasn’t the main cause. It wasn’t tiredness that lined his eyes. It was sadness and a certain darkness that felt so empty and desolate. What surprised me the most was the anger that shot up my throat. Sure I was angry when they left but that anger did not have a bitterness to it. This one had.

I tried to find it in me to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life when anger got the better of me. This was one of those times. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain degree of satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I simply invited it in. But now wasn’t the time to be swallowed up in bitterness. I had to focus on the situation at hand.

So I contemplated and reached out one palm for his face. To the audience, it would seem like a playful gesture. To me and him, it was to virtually wipe away those negativity and snap him out of it. Small but it was all I could do at the moment, being in front of hundreds of thousands of fans. I wasn’t too sure if it worked so I kept a watchful eye on him. When It came to the talking segment where we address the fans, I didn’t realise how intently I was staring at him until I saw fan-taken pictures of the concert after. But at that moment, how I could process in my mind was relief. That the darkness in his eyes was somewhat elevated. That he no longer seemed trapped in a downward spiral of negativity.

Then, and only then, did I allow my suppressed anger to resurface.

Betrayal.

Broken trust.

Selfishness.

In all its ugliness, I was angry. Not just angry. I was fuming.

Did they spare a thought for us when they just up and left? Did they consider the impact it would have on the members? Having gone through one member loss with us, I would expect Luhan to know firsthand how hard it was for the members to deal with that loss. And yet, for some reason unknown to us, he decided to leave as well. What about Sehun and Tao? Those two kids had been putting up a brave front since those two fateful days. They were our maknaes and the ones most attached to the two who left. Wasn’t it our duty as hyungs to care for them? Wasn’t it our duty as brothers to protect them?

Soon, all the concerts and promotional activities winded down. As we become less busy, the negativity started to breed. The members became depressed, easily agitated. Everyone was too kept up in their own emotions to care anymore. It was exactly same as when Kris left. There wasn’t much point in another trash out session considering the fact that everything we would want to say had already been said the first time around. They were not angry. Just sad. The more I witnessed, the more angry I got.

One night after the children were put down for the night, I called for a meeting.

Just the 10 of us.

I could no longer stand the down atmosphere that surrounded the dormitory. Why should we suffer when none of this was our faults?

It was a very unpopular opinion.

The members were quick to refute my viewpoint, insisting that they had reasons to leave. Voices were raised. The maknaes were crying as Yixing and Suho tried to comfort them. Yeol and Chen was threatening to beat me up.

“Why are you coming up with excuses for them?” I yelled those words with such rage that the tendons along my throat stung.

“Jongin ah,” Kyungsoo whispered softly beside me. I felt his hands wrap around my forearm and for once, his touch failed to calm me down.

“They left. Without any warning. How irresponsible could a grown man be?! Did they really consider the consequences? Did they really explore all options? You are right. WE don’t know. HOW could we have known when they never did tell any of us anything? Where is the camaraderie? Where is the mutual trust and friendship? Were the bonds we forged that weak where they could just LEAVE?!” Heaving for breathe, I stood with my feet spread and glared at the members in front of me. Silence answered me.

It was a long silence before Suho stood up.

SLAP.

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Kyungsoo’s POV

141102 Asian Song Festival

They have yet to reconcile. I felt like I was stuck between a boulder and a very hard place with no way else to go. You could see the cold war between the members very evidently. At the end of Asian Song Festival, he stood at the furthest end. A gap, however small, became evident when the members started to link hands to take a bow. I went to stand between Suho and him and as I turned to look at him, I was caught by surprise by the look in his eyes.

Instead of anger, it was dead. Like the light disappear, giving way to a dull black. It was sadness more than anger. His expressionless face lack colour. And I knew that he still firmly believed in his viewpoint and yet he was upset that the situation turned out like this. Knowing him, he was probably blaming himself for the bad delivery. In all honesty, I knew what he said wasn’t the fairest to the members who left but there was some truth that rang from his words. He came from the best of intentions, wanting the members to move on but somehow, the way he put it across came out as an accusation of the members who left which the members were not mentally ready for.

For now, the best I could do was to be the link between Jongin and the members. Be it in communications or at concerts when we link hands taking a bow.

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Jongin’s POV

141126 Korean China Music Festival

At the end of the ceremony, as all the artists gathered on stage, EXO stood at the back. The members were all smiling and waving to the audience. But I was loitering on the outskirts of the group, awkwardly standing there.

I haven’t spoken to the members with the exception of Kyungsoo for a couple weeks now. It has gotten cold and awkward with neither parties knowing how to go about reconciling. Through the weeks, I have given it more thought and while I still feel rather strongly about my viewpoint, I find myself yearning to give them excuses as well. And I wished I hadn’t let anger gotten the best of me in the delivery of how I felt.

From the corner of my eye, I spotted Kyungsoo standing at the furthest end again. I naturally walked over and stood to his left. I was pretty certain that he was doing it on purpose so that I wouldn’t be left out. And I was grateful for that.

As well as apologetic.

I didn’t mean to put him in the middle.

I didn’t realise I was staring at him until our eyes met as he turned to look at me. His huge eyes had none of the hatred and anger. Not even the sadness I expected to see. Instead, for some reason, I saw hope. And I suddenly felt so embarrassed of myself that I had to look away.

Tonight.

I made a mental vow.

Tonight I will make things right.

141203 MAMA Awards

And made things right, I did.

Ok, it wasn’t all me. Kyungie played a huge part. I apologised for my behaviour. I was wrong after all, we needed that trash out session. We needed to talk. We need communications. And at the end of the day, I think all we needed was some reassurance and rebuilding of the weakened trust we had between us 10. The members came to accept that they were never coming back and we needed to face what was ahead of us instead of constantly looking back.

And what better way to end of such an eventful year with...

AWARDS!

Album of the year

Artist of the year

Best male group

Best Asian style

These were sentiment to our hard work and effort. Indeed, there were many ups and HUGE downs but at the end of the day, our hard work paid off. Yes, it would definitely be better if all 12 of us were on stage to receive the awards. But it was still good to get this many awards with my 9 other members. Things were more or less back to the norm back at the dorm. Though there are still times when it feels like something was missing, we were starting to truly move forward. Sudden movement beside me broke my chain of thoughts. Glancing to my side, I realised that it was Yeol getting up from his seat to more towards Baek.

Perfect.

Smoothly, I slid over to the adjacent seat to be seated next to Kyungie. Immediately, my hand rested on his thigh. His face betrayed no emotions but his fingers ever so slightly glazed against my thumb. I leaned in close to whisper something when my mind went blank.

How could anyone’s neck look so enticing?

I smelt his sweet fragrance and conveniently forgot what I wanted to say. He was so incredibly sweet, a precious package that was all mine. Instead, I planted a gentle fleeting kiss on the nape of his neck.

I felt him stiffen. I could already imagine his wide-eyed stunned look and I couldn’t help but smile.

And you know what?

Come what may, as long as I had this man with me, I can face anything.

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A/N: Hi?

Hahahaha. Long time no see!

Sorry it took so long to update..... It'll probably take longerr for the next update >.<

So let's enjoy some pics for now ;)

140920 The Lost Planet in Beijing

Rehearsal